89-Teresa’s Light, Devyn’s Voice with Devyn O'Neill

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Hi Warriors, welcome to One in Three.

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I'm your host, Ingrid.

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This year marks the fifth year the National Network to End Domestic Violence has carried the theme for Domestic Violence Awareness Month of Everyone Knows Someone.

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Today's episode embodies that message in an incredibly powerful way.

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This is not my story to tell.

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So I invite you to join me in welcoming my guest, Devin.

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Hi Devin, welcome to One and Three.

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Thank you so much for joining me today.

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Thanks for having me.

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So I know kind of the whole episode is going to be your background, but is there any little bit of a background you want to give to start out with?

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Sure.

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I'll give you my background as far as where I am right now.

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Um, so I live in a Milwaukee area, Wisconsin.

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Um, I've been married for three years, and I just had my first child.

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I had a daughter a year ago.

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Um, Charlotte is her name.

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And right now I'm home with her full time, which has been both the biggest challenge and also the biggest blessing.

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Um, just kind of being with her all the time, um, and just learning so much from her, which has been really special.

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Um, my husband works as an anesthesiologist outside of the house, and we have also one dog, Ginger.

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Um, I come from a very big blended family.

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So my parents were divorced when I was young, like four, maybe five years old.

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And um, so I never really remember them together.

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But um, my dad got remarried and I have um two half siblings from his marriage there.

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Um, so we've always been a little chaotic, very blended, but a lot of love like all across the board.

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Um, as far as like other parts of my childhood, I grew up in a small town called Warrens, Wisconsin.

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It's literally a village.

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And when I was growing up there, our population was literally unincorporated.

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So it was so tiny but so charming.

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Um, I grew up on my grandparents' cranberry marsh where we didn't really have neighbors, like for miles, and our only real neighbors were my grandma's house on one side and my uncle's house on the other side.

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Um, so I grew up very close with my uncles, aunts, grandparents, and cousins, um, which was just like such a special way to grow up.

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Um after um I graduated high school, I went to UW Lacrosse, got my undergrad, lived and worked in Madison for a few years in corporate HR, which was again a great learning experience.

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It's a special type of job, I would say.

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Um I went on to get my MBA at Whitewater while I was still working full-time.

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And then, of course, as everyone knows, COVID happened, and that's actually when I met my husband.

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So um, yeah, it was a bit of a whirlwind.

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Um, we were together for a year, engaged, married the next year, and now here we are five years later with our daughter, our dog, in our home.

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How did you guys meet?

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We actually met on hinge.

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Okay.

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Yes.

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Okay.

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As grim as the dating apps look out there, it does work sometimes.

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Right.

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One of the lucky ones there.

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Oh, for sure.

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For sure.

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There's a lot more horror stories, I think, than success stories.

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For sure.

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Okay, so part of the reason you're joining me today is to talk about family and specifically your mom.

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Yes.

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And she was a nurse.

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Now I grew up in Toma, which uh for a lot of people listening are going to have no idea where Toma or was Warren's is, but um we at least did have a population.

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I did have to go there for school.

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So right, right.

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So I think we had like a population of around 8,000 when I went to high school, but uh very small town.

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Um kind of everybody knows everything about everyone there.

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And even now, um I graduated 30 years ago and I still know a lot about people.

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I don't live there.

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I I live in Tennessee.

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And I still know a lot about a lot of people there.

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But um, so your mom was a nurse at the hospital, the local hospital.

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Yes, the only hospital.

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Yes.

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Like 30 mile radius.

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Right.

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That is true.

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That's true.

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So uh, do you want to talk a little bit about um actually just before we get into like the whole uh domestic violence end of the story, but just talk about her as who she was.

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Yes.

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Well, I have so much to say about her.

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Um, and I'll disclaim this like for the duration of this podcast, in that I share what I remember today.

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Um, and that kind of changes day to day.

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That's one interesting thing I have found about not just like memory, but like trauma in the way you remember things.

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Um, so it's not that I um making things up as I go.

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It's just this is what I literally remember today, 16 years later.

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So it's been 16 years since I've seen my mom um or heard her voice.

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And what I remember of her today is um, first of all, her sense of humor was well, as a teenager, it was irritating.

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Um, but I have such an appreciation for it now because I I've come to understand that's just how she kind of, I mean, coped with life in some ways, where you just can't be so serious and just laughing things off, making corny jokes, you know, kind of annoying your kids because you're trying to connect with them.

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I really as a mom now, I really understand.

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Um, I really understand that so much better.

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And now that I do, I just appreciated that about I appreciate that about her now, like so much more because um I think it allowed her to just carry on the day-to-day with such a good attitude.

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Um my mom never really like sat and felt like woe is me or sorry for herself, like regardless of the circumstances.

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She was very much, she was like a strong-willed, like half a glass half full like attitude, and it was very infectious.

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Um, coupled with that was her her smile was also very infectious.

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I mean, her smile and laugh were very infectious, but um, when I talk to other people about her now, so many of them will mention that about her, where it's like, oh, your mom just like lit up the room, and it was like her smile or her laugh or her humor, whatever it was, she had such a presence.

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Um, and you know, that carried through her career as well.

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She was an OB nurse.

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So, like the most vulnerable time in a woman's life is when you're giving birth.

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Um, and she was literally made for that.

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Um, she was just wonderful at it, to the point where we would, you know, go through the only grocery store in our hometown Walmart at the time.

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Um, and people I had never met before would stop us and say, You delivered my son or my daughter, and like she just made such an impact on people in like such a good way in like such a vulnerable time of a woman's life.

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And I just really admired that about her because I'm sure it wasn't effortless, but it seemed that way.

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It just seems so natural for her to just treat people with such dignity, respect, and just the ability to like listen when someone is talking to her.

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It's one everybody can hear, right?

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Like you can hear people talking, but it's different when you know that somebody's actually listening to you.

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And I feel like that's something that she really had just mastered.

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Um, so all qualities that I think the world needs a little bit more of now.

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Of course, we didn't have like all the technology that we have today to distract us, but um, I often will humble myself in moments where I'm distracted by thinking about like what kind of person do I want to be and what do I what do I want my daughter to absorb?

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I mean, that's a priority now too.

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So I find myself now as a mother, thinking about what my mother did, how she acted, how she carried herself, and just like trying to embody that as much as possible.

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Um, brings me like a certain type of fulfillment um and joy because it almost feels like she's involved in some ways because I'm trying to like carry on the way that she carried herself.

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Um the other like really funny thing, not funny, but my mom was only five, two.

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So she was a short gal, but she was incredibly strong.

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Like, so strong, and like for jokes and for fun at holidays, she'd want to arm wrestle all the men in the family just to see if she could beat them.

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Like, and she really would, like, give them a run for their money.

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And we all just like laugh just laughed about it because she was like half serious, half not.

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She had a little bit of a competitive edge to her.

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Um she was extremely present in my life and my brother's life when it came to our sports, our academics, just like always kind of pushing us to do better than we did the day before, um, which is something that I think stuck with both of us.

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And of course, as a kid, you're you know, your parents are annoying, and it's like, what's wrong with my B?

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And why do you want me to get an A and all this?

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And she it all came from a place of just wanting what was best for us.

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And she always, at the end of the day, regardless, made us feel loved.

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And I think that's really all like like kids need, like they just need to feel loved and to feel seen and heard, and she just um again, it like came so naturally to her.

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Like she was incredible at all of that and balancing, like pushing us to be better human beings and like contributing to the world in a way that would be productive and kind.

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And so I could ramble all day about her, um, but she is just she was special.

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Like um, I find that I haven't found anyone quite like her.

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Um, and maybe I'm biased because that was my mom, but um yeah, she was just incredibly special, and I think the community and people around us felt that too.

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For sure.

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I think that when you have a if a person like what you described your mom to be, that that push that she like actually was consciously doing with you and your brother, she probably also just subconsciously nudged everyone else around her to want to be better people themselves.

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It's it's individuals like that that just have this, you know, they just give off this energy, this happy energy that people feed off of, but then like feed off in a good way.

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Um that's beautiful.

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That's a really beautiful way to describe your mom.

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And listening to you describe her.

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I'm I'm being brought to my kids and how annoying I am to my kids.

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I love all of that about your mom, and I think it's really important to point out that she had such a big impact on your life, your brother's life, and then the community.

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And that's something that really needs to be recognized that there's not just one person that is affected by violence.

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Absolutely.

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Yeah, it was and I'm sure you can relate to this too, but it's especially impactful when you grow up in a small town.

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Yes.

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Like you were saying earlier, everybody knows everybody.

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Right.

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Or somebody knows of somebody, and um just the sheer ripple effect um seemed so much greater almost in like a smaller town because you you make connections with like such a large majority of it.

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Whereas, you know, you're not just like a fish in like the sea, you're more of like a fish in a pond, so to speak.

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Or you run into the other fish in the pond, but maybe you miss them in the sea.

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So um, yeah, it was you nailed it, it's so much greater than just me or just my family.

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It's like impacting the community.

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And do you want to go into a little bit about what happens?

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Yeah.

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Um, again, this is what I remembered today.

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I don't I don't practice any of this.

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I don't like look back at newspapers and um, you know, I don't Google my name.

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All that.

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Um, but yeah, so I think a little context is important here in that I mentioned earlier my biological parents, so my mom and my dad got divorced when I was young.

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And I had always had a good good relationship with my dad, and he was very much part of our lives.

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He we saw him every other weekend.

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He was like at our sporting events, like he definitely loved us.

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I don't want to say off from afar, but there was just some distance from where he lived and where we lived for like a period of time.

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But there was always a you know, they co-parented really well and all of that.

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So my dad got remarried, but my mom also got remarried.

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Um, so I think I was eight um when they got remarried.

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Um, she got married to who was my stepfather, Brent.

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And um, you know, eight is still like very much kid age.

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And so he was like a he lived in our house.

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Like he in some ways was like around when we were being raised, and um, you know, came to our sport events here and there.

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Like he was a part, he was like a big part of our lives.

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Um, and he never had kids of his own.

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So we were just me and my brother were kind of like quote unquote his kids um when we were growing up at such like a young age.

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So um the thing about Brent was um he there was so much that I didn't like really realize about him when I was a child that I understand now as an adult.

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Um, one of those things was I didn't recognize a temper that he had.

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Um, I know my brother had witnessed or heard him say a couple of things that kind of alluded to him having a short fuse, but he was never violent towards us.

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I had not I never saw him be violent towards my mother.

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What I did see from him was he was very aloof.

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Um, so we had like a shed, like in our like as part of our property, and he had kind of sort of like a man cave of sorts in the shed.

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And um, you know, he spent a lot of time back there and up playing his guitar or throwing darts or whatever.

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And one thing that I I just like never thought much of it, but as an adult, I know that he was in the shed drinking, um, and just like away from us.

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So what I realize now is he was just a source of like high-functioning alcoholic.

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Um, where, you know, one memory I have very vividly um is we were camping with my mom, my stepdad.

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It was me, my mom, my stepdad, my brother.

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And um he opened a beer at 10 o'clock in the morning.

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And my mom like got emotional.

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Like, one thing about my mom is she I can truly count on like one hand how many times I've saw I saw her cry.

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Um, she was just not she really kind of like kept it together, especially in front of us kids.

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Um and it was me and her in the camp, or and she's like crying, and I'm like trying to understand like what why are you crying?

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There was like an exchange, and then he left, and so it was just us um at the campsite, and I don't remember specifically what she said, but it was almost like in that moment I realized like what was wrong.

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Because there's always like this underlying issue, it seemed, um, but I never could quite put my finger on it, and maybe it's because I was a teen, like a very young teenager, or maybe I just wasn't paying attention or didn't know what I was looking for.

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Um, but it was kind of in that moment that I felt something bigger was going on here.

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So um to make that a long story short, they ended up, my mom ended up filing for divorce um after they were married for seven or eight years.

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So a long time they were together.

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And I remember him moving out of our house and not being a hundred percent sure why, other than they just they weren't happy together anymore and they were just like going their separate ways.

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Like that's what I understood about it.

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Um, so then fast forward, I would say roughly a month or two, and um, it was July 22nd, 2009.

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Um, my brother was off at a motocross race with my uncle and my cousins.

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And so it's just me and mom at home, and we were doing our usual wind-down routine at night, where um I was tucked into bed, promised uh breakfast in bed for my birthday the next day, um, which I always looked forward to.

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Um and then, you know, it was kind of like lights out.

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Mom was, you know, getting herself ready for bed, and I was almost asleep.

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It was late, so like maybe 10-ish o'clock at night.

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I was almost asleep, whatever time it was.

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And I heard a really loud knock on the door, which I always found, I found in that moment to be like really odd because we grew up so far out in the country that we never locked our door for one.

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Like I never had a house key growing up.

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We were just like lived in the safe community where my neighbors were my grandparents and my aunt and uncle, and whoever was coming would just walk through the front door.

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Um, so I thought that was like very odd um that someone was like knocking really loud on the door.

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So I was like, oh, mom must have like locked the door.

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You know, I didn't think much of it, kind of rolled over.

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And I heard her walk past my room because we had our bedrooms upstairs, and then there was the main level.

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Heard her walk past my room, go downstairs to, you know, like see who was there.

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And then I heard her scream and the door hit the wall.

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And so I was immediately awake.

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I jumped up out of bed, I shut my door and locked it, and then I called 911 right away and I didn't even know what was going on.

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I just know that when you hear someone scream like that, you are a hundred percent sure that something is wrong.

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You're just not sure what.

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Um, and so I'm talking to the 911 operator, and I'm also listening to see if I can figure out why it why is my mom screaming.

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Um I hear like a man's voice, and it's more of like it's like they're having a like a heated discussion, like they're yelling at each other.

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Um, and you know, I'm like like I'm trying to like figure out who that is, and then I hear my mom say, like, I tried for eight years, and then I was like, okay, and then I heard the man's voice now like okay, it's Brent.

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Like I realize like who it is now, and I couldn't figure out why my mom was so scared.

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Like, I knew she was scared, I could hear it in her voice without even like seeing her.

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But when I realized who it was, it was almost like this moment of like, do I open the door?

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Because I know who Brent is.

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Um, it's not like there's an intruder in our house, and I have like no idea who it is.

00:21:00.400 --> 00:21:01.119
I don't.

00:21:01.359 --> 00:21:11.200
Um, I don't know if it was like flight, fight freeze like moment for me, but I was like laser focused on getting the cops there like as quickly as possible.

00:21:11.680 --> 00:21:18.160
Um, and so it's felt like an eternity um for them to get there.

00:21:18.400 --> 00:21:26.640
But while they were having their argument, I'm like telling them, like, oh, like here's like what I can hear and like what's going on.

00:21:26.880 --> 00:21:33.440
And then I heard like this really loud bang, and it's like a sound that I've never heard, like from the inside of my house.

00:21:33.680 --> 00:21:43.440
So I thought like a cupboard door had slammed shut or like the the stool from the kitchen table had like fallen on the floor or something like that.

00:21:44.400 --> 00:21:49.839
And then I heard it again, and then I was like, I realized like, oh, that was a gun.

00:21:50.079 --> 00:21:51.759
Like there's a gun in our house.

00:21:51.839 --> 00:21:54.640
Like my my stepfather has a gun.

00:21:54.960 --> 00:21:59.279
And so I'm like telling the police, like, please hurry.

00:21:59.519 --> 00:22:14.640
You know, we live in the middle of nowhere, like they like the you know, this stuff took time back then, and um I can still hear them yelling, despite like these two gunshots.

00:22:14.799 --> 00:22:18.319
The second one actually went up the stairs, like kind of like past my bedroom.

00:22:18.400 --> 00:22:19.519
I could hear it.

00:22:20.000 --> 00:22:35.119
And um, you know, there was there was some more arguing, I heard some glass breaking, and then there was a third gunshot, and then I heard a thump, and then I heard nothing.

00:22:35.440 --> 00:22:37.039
Like it was silent.

00:22:38.559 --> 00:22:48.559
And then I saw my I didn't see him get in his truck, but I saw him like drive away from our house, and it still is like so quiet.

00:22:49.440 --> 00:23:05.279
And so I opened my bedroom door, and I look down the stairs, which our dining room was right, like you could see it like looking down the stairs is where our dining room was, and my mom was like laying face down on the floor, and I'm yelling.

00:23:05.440 --> 00:23:08.720
I said, Mom, and she didn't answer me.

00:23:08.799 --> 00:23:25.680
And so I start walking down the stairs to get closer to her, and I feel wood, like wood chips on my feet from like where the bullet had like hit the stairs, and the smell like of gunpowder was just like so strong in the house.

00:23:26.319 --> 00:23:52.559
And I yelled again, I said, Mom, and she didn't move, she didn't answer me, and it was I could like see this shadow next to her, and then it took like a moment, and I realized like that shadow is actually blood, and she wasn't responsive, and so I get scared, and I basically like begging these people like the first responders, please like, please get here like as soon as you can.

00:23:52.960 --> 00:24:07.599
And I go back in my room and wait, and it's not long after that that they show up, and at that moment it was just like it was such like a surreal out-of-body experience.

00:24:07.759 --> 00:24:11.599
I couldn't even comprehend what just happened or what was happening.

00:24:12.640 --> 00:24:20.480
And um I just remember like a police officer coming upstairs to like see if I was okay and they're working on her downstairs.

00:24:20.640 --> 00:24:26.480
So now they have me upstairs and her downstairs, and like no one's like really going anywhere.

00:24:26.720 --> 00:24:40.400
Um, at that point, I think they were just they got a sheet and they're like, you know, like holding it up so they could like protect me from like seeing them like work on her and like get her to the hospital like as quickly as possible.

00:24:41.680 --> 00:24:43.200
So that's all happening.

00:24:43.440 --> 00:24:47.359
And then, you know, they like send her off in the ambulance.

00:24:47.519 --> 00:24:56.640
And I remember I had to use my house phone, if you can believe that, um, to call my grandma, who was my neighbor, so my mom's mom.

00:24:56.880 --> 00:24:59.680
And I had to tell her what just happened.

00:25:00.079 --> 00:25:02.079
And so she comes down.

00:25:02.319 --> 00:25:04.960
I'm still not able to leave the house, she can't come in.

00:25:05.119 --> 00:25:10.880
Like, there's just it's so chaotic, and everybody's kind of like just doing their best at this point.

00:25:11.200 --> 00:25:14.559
Um, finally, they're able to kind of escort me out of the house.

00:25:14.880 --> 00:25:33.440
Um, and I just remember they put oxygen over my face, and I didn't really understand why, but I was like struggling, like I was struggling to breathe because I it's just like I had no control over what my body, like how my body was responding to everything I just like heard and saw.

00:25:34.160 --> 00:25:38.880
So we um follow, we go straight to the hospital.

00:25:39.039 --> 00:25:44.480
Meanwhile, my stepfather is still just like driving around um in his truck.

00:25:45.119 --> 00:25:47.200
Police are looking for him all that.

00:25:48.240 --> 00:25:56.240
Um, he ends up running into like a parked car, and he was like double or triple the blood alcohol limit.

00:25:56.400 --> 00:26:01.839
Um, so he is in custody, you know, like that part is honestly that was secondary.

00:26:02.079 --> 00:26:06.000
All we were worried about was like, is our mom okay?

00:26:06.480 --> 00:26:14.720
And um so we go to the hospital, the same one where she worked, brought life into the world every day, every week.

00:26:15.039 --> 00:26:18.960
And we just sat um in the emergency waiting room.

00:26:19.039 --> 00:26:23.519
And it was like this big group of our family, uh, like everybody.

00:26:23.680 --> 00:26:31.119
Um, even my dad was like driving in the car on his way from like way out of town, just like be with us.

00:26:32.079 --> 00:26:35.119
And we sat there for like an eternity.

00:26:35.200 --> 00:26:39.440
It felt like I actually, Ingrid have no idea how long we're in that waiting room.

00:26:39.599 --> 00:26:41.279
I just felt like forever.

00:26:41.519 --> 00:26:51.039
Um, and then just like a scene out of the movies, the doctor comes out of the double doors of the ER and says, like, I'm so sorry, like we did everything we could do.

00:26:51.680 --> 00:27:00.720
And I remember like watching everyone around me like understandably, like, break down and cry.

00:27:01.119 --> 00:27:02.640
And I couldn't.

00:27:03.039 --> 00:27:06.160
It was almost like I was frustrated that I couldn't.

00:27:06.880 --> 00:27:17.599
But I was so I was so known what I just saw.

00:27:20.000 --> 00:27:22.160
Like the gravity of it.

00:27:22.480 --> 00:27:23.920
It had it hit me.

00:27:24.480 --> 00:27:27.839
And I was almost like, I should be crying right now.

00:27:28.000 --> 00:27:29.200
It's like I can't.

00:27:31.839 --> 00:27:34.880
So we couldn't go home because our home was a crime scene.

00:27:35.119 --> 00:27:37.440
It was the only house we ever lived in.

00:27:37.680 --> 00:27:44.480
Um that's where we grew up, and so we ended up actually like staying at the hospital.

00:27:44.799 --> 00:27:56.240
Um they got us a room, and me and my brother crammed together in one of those tiny hospital beds and just like laid next to each other.

00:27:56.319 --> 00:27:59.039
And I just remember like we were looking at the clock.

00:27:59.200 --> 00:28:08.400
I don't know if it was midnight or two in the morning, but he just like kind of nudged me and said, like, happy birthday dad.

00:28:08.720 --> 00:28:10.720
And it was like so sincere.

00:28:11.599 --> 00:28:24.960
Um and then after after that, it was like it was so intense, it was like the most massive whirlwind like ever.

00:28:25.680 --> 00:28:29.279
And I just remember being like wondering, like, where are we gonna live?

00:28:29.519 --> 00:28:32.559
Um because like we can't go home.

00:28:33.279 --> 00:28:42.400
And um honestly, like even living with my grandma was probably not a good idea for me at the time because she was right next to our house.

00:28:42.720 --> 00:28:50.319
Like for me, it was like almost like being as far away from that as possible was kind of like probably what was needed at the time.

00:28:50.400 --> 00:28:53.200
I don't remember making a lot of these decisions because I probably didn't.

00:28:53.359 --> 00:28:56.240
I was a teenager, uh, freshly like 15.

00:28:56.559 --> 00:29:04.640
So our family and friends just like really stepped up and um like did whatever they needed to do to protect us.

00:29:04.880 --> 00:29:08.960
So um, my dad's mom also lives in Toma.

00:29:09.279 --> 00:29:15.119
Um, so we ended up staying with her um for like a period of time so we could like figure out our living situation.

00:29:15.279 --> 00:29:21.680
My dad had to move from several hours away back to Toma and then like figure out like what are we gonna do?

00:29:21.759 --> 00:29:22.880
How are we gonna do this?

00:29:23.039 --> 00:29:29.440
And um I'm just so I was like so thankful for him.

00:29:29.680 --> 00:29:41.759
Um because he had like this whole other family like this part of his family um that was also being like impacted by this because now his two of his kids like don't have a mom.

00:29:41.839 --> 00:29:47.119
So like now what do I do when I have these other two kids and it's just it was like very intense.

00:29:47.279 --> 00:30:03.599
And so the next day we're at my dad's mom's house and my grandma Sue's, and um I had I called my godmother, who is my mom's best friend, Cindy, and And um who by the way is still like a huge part of my life.

00:30:03.680 --> 00:30:05.839
Um and I'm like so thankful for her.

00:30:06.400 --> 00:30:19.599
But I remember calling her and like for the first time, like saying out loud like what happened, like telling her what I just told you, and I finally could cry.

00:30:20.240 --> 00:30:27.039
It was like the those like hot tears that like you can like feel in your bones almost.

00:30:27.359 --> 00:30:38.480
And it was like in that moment, that's how long it took for me to like feel the emotion that I like needed to feel like a release because it can became so real.

00:30:38.640 --> 00:30:46.720
Like when I had to tell someone what happened, um, it was it didn't feel like this bad dream anymore.

00:30:46.799 --> 00:30:49.839
It was like, oh no, like this is real life, she's actually gone.

00:30:50.000 --> 00:30:52.720
And like I actually just saw that.

00:30:53.759 --> 00:31:00.079
Um the funeral was difficult because my mom was only 37.

00:31:00.319 --> 00:31:05.680
So um usually at 37 you don't have arrangements like put together.

00:31:05.920 --> 00:31:10.400
So we kind of did our best um and did like what we thought that she would want.

00:31:11.519 --> 00:31:21.200
And um, I remember like even her wake, like looking at her in the casket and like just didn't look like her.

00:31:21.359 --> 00:31:41.039
I don't know that anyone ever really looks like themselves after they pass, but that was also like very um difficult for me to see her like so still and just like not her color, and um, she just looked so not herself.

00:31:41.279 --> 00:31:50.079
Um so it's almost like in that way I felt like I don't even know if I felt like I really got to say goodbye to her because it didn't even like look like her.

00:31:50.480 --> 00:32:00.880
Um, but I remember at her wake, there was like, I'm not joking, like hours of of people, like lines of people like showing up for her.

00:32:01.119 --> 00:32:19.039
And that's where like I really understood her impact in the community is like the sheer volume of people that like came to say their goodbyes to her was so it was like shocking, but also like so special.

00:32:19.680 --> 00:32:24.640
Um, because I was like, whoa, I'm not the only one who thought like she was so special.

00:32:25.359 --> 00:32:40.000
Um you know, you try to like realize your own bias, but like when I when I could see these people like showing up for her, I was like, oh my gosh, like this is like so much bigger than like I thought, like so much bigger than like just our little family.

00:32:40.160 --> 00:32:53.759
And um we had her funeral, and um, you know, she was buried like two miles from where I grew up, and um like that's where she, you know, like was laid to rest.

00:32:54.799 --> 00:33:02.000
And so the real aftermath was like almost when the dust settled.

00:33:02.160 --> 00:33:11.920
Um it's like when the dust settled as far as like her her funeral was over, like we were trying, we were navigating like basically like what happens next.

00:33:12.079 --> 00:33:17.279
You know, this happened at the end of July, so school was coming at the beginning of September.

00:33:17.440 --> 00:33:18.640
Like, what's that gonna look like?

00:33:18.799 --> 00:33:20.799
And there was just like so many unknowns.

00:33:21.759 --> 00:33:22.880
Is my dad moving here?

00:33:22.960 --> 00:33:24.319
Like, what's going on?

00:33:24.559 --> 00:33:40.400
Um, but like as an individual, the more time went on in like those early days and months, the more it kept setting in on like the damage that it did to me.

00:33:40.559 --> 00:33:48.400
Um, like as someone who like witnessed their mother like getting murdered, because that's what it was.

00:33:49.279 --> 00:34:00.160
And so I struggled, like I've never struggled before, and like my mom, I'm not a super emotional person, um, especially when I was younger.

00:34:00.400 --> 00:34:07.359
I've certainly softened up since I've had a daughter, but um, I just never I never was like a really emotional person.

00:34:08.159 --> 00:34:15.039
It's like because I couldn't release my emotions through tears, I like struggled in like more dark ways.

00:34:15.360 --> 00:34:24.719
Um I could not, I would just stare at my bedroom door, and it wasn't even my bedroom, it was a bedroom at my grandma's house.

00:34:24.800 --> 00:34:34.239
I would just stare at it with like the most irrational thoughts, just thinking like I had myself convinced that my stepdad was gonna like break out of jail and he was gonna come after me.

00:34:34.559 --> 00:34:42.400
And I just couldn't, it was so irrational, and I knew that, but it's like I I couldn't shake it, like I couldn't control that.

00:34:42.719 --> 00:34:44.559
Um, and I would just stare.

00:34:44.880 --> 00:34:49.199
And my grandma would make coffee every morning, like as people do.

00:34:49.679 --> 00:35:02.400
And for some reason, the smell of her coffee smelled like gunpowder to me, and it would make me so nauseous, um, so nauseous.

00:35:02.800 --> 00:35:11.119
Um it's you know, like it was the all these little things that were happening where it was like, oh, I can't just like get over this.

00:35:11.679 --> 00:35:20.800
Like this actually has a much more intense impact than a person could ever comprehend it, like unless it happens to them.

00:35:21.119 --> 00:35:37.840
Um, which I found as a teenager to be very frustrating in a lot of ways because one, I couldn't properly articulate my emotions, and two, I could see other people coping and moving forward, not moving on with their lives, but moving forward with their lives.

00:35:38.000 --> 00:35:39.840
And I felt like very stuck.

00:35:40.079 --> 00:35:57.599
Where it's like my brain was just on a loop of like just constantly like everything I had seen, smelt, like it was so fresh that you know, when someone passes, you start moving forward with your life, like as much as you can, but I couldn't.

00:35:57.840 --> 00:36:04.400
Um and I I held it in in like so many ways.

00:36:04.639 --> 00:36:07.679
At one point, I resorted to self-harm.

00:36:07.920 --> 00:36:22.800
I would take the end off a bobby pin and I would scratch my face because it made not because I wanted to feel pain, but because it made it feel like um, it made me feel seen and like not forgotten about.

00:36:23.039 --> 00:36:34.159
Where it was like I had all these people like worried about me and like protecting me and loving me, but almost in a way angry, where they were like afraid because they didn't know what to do.

00:36:34.320 --> 00:36:49.199
Like this was such uncharted territory for everyone involved, including myself, where it was like it's almost like I was like desperate to be seen for who I was, like as a as a person versus like what I had just seen witnessed.

00:36:49.440 --> 00:37:00.639
And I think that was very complicated for people because it was, you know, I was a teenager and there was like this love, like protecting me was the priority, like as any parent or loved one would.

00:37:00.719 --> 00:37:08.559
But what I needed was like, no, I need you to understand, like this is still so I haven't been able to move forward at all.

00:37:08.719 --> 00:37:09.840
Not even like 1%.

00:37:10.800 --> 00:37:15.039
And it made me like deeply hurt and angry.

00:37:15.840 --> 00:37:28.000
Just feel like I felt like so much of my youth, my joy, my like blissful ignorance, as they call it when you're young, had been like stolen from me.

00:37:28.239 --> 00:37:33.280
And I was dealing with something so heavy that I really didn't know how to deal with it.

00:37:33.440 --> 00:37:43.679
Um, and I took it out in all these unhealthy ways to try to like get people to understand like how much this was still really impacting me.

00:37:44.320 --> 00:37:50.639
Um it took a while, but I did go, I did start therapy and I went regularly.

00:37:50.800 --> 00:37:54.559
Um I got on some medication for anxiety and depression.

00:37:54.719 --> 00:37:59.679
Um, and I was just everyone was, we were all just figuring out as we went.

00:38:00.159 --> 00:38:11.199
And in the meantime, it's like, how am I, how is my brother, how is my family supposed to just like go back to nor like what's normal?

00:38:11.440 --> 00:38:18.320
Like I'll just go to school in a month and just try to act like that didn't just happen.

00:38:18.400 --> 00:38:24.239
It was so there was no winning in this situation, and there was no right way to go about it.

00:38:24.400 --> 00:38:28.079
Um, and so we just did our best, like most people do.

00:38:28.400 --> 00:38:45.679
And um going back to school was intense because it was a similar thing where it's like all of a sudden, instead of Devin, I was Teresa's daughter, and I became what happened to me instead of like who I was.

00:38:46.239 --> 00:39:06.559
Um, and that was like a very hard shift because I again like as understandable as it was, it was like I was craving so badly to just be treated normally, um, by my friends, my teachers, my family.

00:39:06.719 --> 00:39:13.599
Um, obviously that's a very hard thing to do on their end because they nothing about what it happened to me is normal.

00:39:13.760 --> 00:39:17.840
Um, and so it was just a really tough position to be in.

00:39:18.000 --> 00:39:19.840
And I struggled.

00:39:20.000 --> 00:39:23.039
Um, that was my sophomore year of high school.

00:39:23.840 --> 00:39:33.199
And I a whole year I struggled with panic attacks, anxiety, like deep depression, and I was just trying to like get through the day.

00:39:33.360 --> 00:39:44.800
Um I was just trying to get through the day, and I was I was becoming so impatient with myself because I was like, again, desperate for like a sense of normalcy.

00:39:45.679 --> 00:39:50.400
And it's like I couldn't like I couldn't get it fast enough.

00:39:50.639 --> 00:40:10.320
Um it it took so much longer than I ever thought, and a lot of work on my end um to kind of heal, like start the healing process, um, and like accepting the gravity and like the permanency behind what happened.

00:40:10.400 --> 00:40:12.079
Like there was no undoing it.

00:40:12.239 --> 00:40:17.119
And I think that was the hardest part was like there's nothing I can do to bring her back.

00:40:17.280 --> 00:40:21.199
There's nothing I can do to like erase what I had just seen.

00:40:21.599 --> 00:40:24.559
Um, and our whole world flipped upside down.

00:40:24.800 --> 00:40:28.000
Mine did, my brothers did, my my families.

00:40:28.239 --> 00:40:29.280
We were all very close.

00:40:29.440 --> 00:40:34.719
My family, we're just the community, everything was just uh like catastrophic.

00:40:34.880 --> 00:40:37.440
Sounds dramatic, but that's what it felt like.

00:40:37.760 --> 00:40:44.719
Um so there was um huge shifts in what was normal.

00:40:44.800 --> 00:40:47.679
I had to like reinvent what was normal for me.

00:40:48.000 --> 00:40:56.639
I had to actively find ways to cope more like in a more healthy sense.

00:40:57.039 --> 00:41:02.719
Um so one of those ways where I was just like, I turn my coping is like action.

00:41:02.880 --> 00:41:06.239
So like I'm a doer, I like go get her.

00:41:06.320 --> 00:41:08.960
Like, how can I make the world better?

00:41:09.199 --> 00:41:15.519
And I will say everything that happened is awful, and I would do anything to like get her back.

00:41:16.239 --> 00:41:46.320
At the same time, I feel this um almost like this gratitude for how I'm able to see life now and like the world, where it's like unfortunately, sometimes it takes something so traumatic to have such an appreciation for your life, understanding how fragile it is that you how much of an impact you can make on somebody else's life, and to basically not waste it.

00:41:46.880 --> 00:41:50.079
And so that's how I found my way to cope.

00:41:50.239 --> 00:41:54.880
And I just it was a constant game of like, okay, what would my mom do?

00:41:55.039 --> 00:41:57.280
Or like what would she want us to do?

00:41:57.440 --> 00:42:19.360
And like that's what that was my guiding light, because it felt like one, she was still part of my life in some in some way, and two, it was almost like I can make this horrible thing that happened to us productive in like some way, and that's that's how we started like moving forward as a family.

00:42:19.679 --> 00:42:41.920
Devin, I am um, I usually can keep myself very well composed with hearing these stories, but this like you've your story really got me, and um I mean I um all the feelings, all the trauma you went through so much trauma in just one night.

00:42:42.239 --> 00:42:52.159
Um I mean, just taking if you just were to exert like just take one piece of what you went through that night, that's enough trauma for one person.

00:42:52.559 --> 00:43:10.960
But everything that you witnessed, the fact that it was your mom, the fact that you're freaking 14 years old, um, and to still have like the wherewithal to call 911 and immediately step into action, um of course you didn't move on.

00:43:11.199 --> 00:43:15.119
Um of course, and I don't think catastrophic is too big of a word.

00:43:15.199 --> 00:43:31.119
I think that absolutely um when you are a teenager and your mom is taken away from you in such a brutal fashion, catastrophe that that's absolutely the um appropriate word.

00:43:31.360 --> 00:43:36.960
Um I am uh I'm usually not at a loss for words either.

00:43:37.199 --> 00:43:41.039
Like I can't I can usually talk about anything.

00:43:41.280 --> 00:43:53.199
But um first of all, thank you so much for sharing that because that is a very difficult thing to share and and relive and um including the parts of therapy.

00:43:53.280 --> 00:44:12.079
I know it's difficult for some people to to discuss therapy and the things that you were talking about, your somatic responses to things, the smells and sights and sounds and everything that that is definitely something that a lot of people bury and don't address.

00:44:12.239 --> 00:44:13.440
I'm also a doer.

00:44:13.519 --> 00:44:24.159
Um after uh feeling that I was okay after my um domestic violence uh relationship, I went into therapy and I was like, let's do this, let's get it done.

00:44:24.320 --> 00:44:27.679
I want it, I wanted to go in and get out and be and move on.

00:44:27.840 --> 00:44:31.519
And unfortunately, that's not how things work.

00:44:31.760 --> 00:44:39.360
And for lack of something more profound to say, just all of it sucks and none of it's fair.

00:44:39.760 --> 00:44:50.400
I mean, the impact it had on you and your brother and your dad and all of the individuals of your family and your dad's family and the community, none of it is fair.

00:44:50.639 --> 00:44:57.280
I mean, it's not fair for like the for the teachers to have to try to figure out how to try to make life normal for you.

00:44:57.360 --> 00:45:07.360
It's not fair for your friends to try to figure out how do I, how am I supposed to be a friend and give her some normalcy, but then not act like I'm forgetting about her mom.

00:45:07.920 --> 00:45:10.880
I mean, none of it is fair.

00:45:12.000 --> 00:45:13.280
None of it is fair.

00:45:13.599 --> 00:45:13.920
Yeah.

00:45:14.079 --> 00:45:19.199
Um, and like it almost felt like an impossible task for everybody.

00:45:19.760 --> 00:45:20.079
Yeah.

00:45:20.239 --> 00:45:22.400
Like no one was set up for success.

00:45:22.480 --> 00:45:25.360
Um, and like, what's the best way to go about this?

00:45:25.840 --> 00:45:38.480
Um, yeah, so I mean, I understand that so much better now that I'm older and like I have more insight and like life experience, but the impact still like lives with me.

00:45:39.199 --> 00:45:41.199
The trauma still lives with me.

00:45:41.360 --> 00:45:53.760
Like, I can't tell you how many times a week something so benign will trigger my brain, like unintentionally, and I'm just like staring at my mom on the dining room floor again.

00:45:54.480 --> 00:45:57.840
It's been so long, and it's like, when am I gonna shake this?

00:45:58.079 --> 00:46:08.719
And I will go through these like stints of like nightmares, like night terror, like nightmares, where she's never in them, ironically.

00:46:08.880 --> 00:46:19.920
Um, but it's always me not being able to move and like I'm watching something really violent happen to somebody I know or love or care about.

00:46:20.480 --> 00:46:31.519
Um, and it's it's like I don't know if there's enough time um in like a lifetime for me to like completely heal from those things.

00:46:31.760 --> 00:46:37.440
So it's just become for me personally, more how do I best cope with this?

00:46:37.760 --> 00:46:45.840
Because this is part of who I am now, and I don't need to let it control me, I don't need to let it like ruin my life.

00:46:46.079 --> 00:47:06.639
Um it's just part of who I am, and like being able to accept that has made it easier to cope, and it's almost like I took my power back in some ways where it's like, yeah, this happened, but actually, like I get to decide what the rest of my life looks like.

00:47:06.880 --> 00:47:14.400
I get to decide, um, I think more people need to hear that and believe it.

00:47:14.639 --> 00:47:57.920
Like it's one thing for someone to tell you, like, you can do anything, you'd be anything, but you need to believe that um and take action for no one but yourself, and knowing that you've so much more power, bravery, compassion than like you ever thought you could, and like what a gift, like what a gift um to like live a life more fulfilled with more kindness and um like more compassion, and it's just uh yeah, it's as twisted as it sounds that I feel lucky in that way.

00:47:58.159 --> 00:48:03.199
Um I have so much more life left to live and I get to decide what that looks like.

00:48:03.440 --> 00:48:13.679
Um I mean, like part of that is like thanks to my mom, of course, because she thought that was also like just her attitude where it was like I can do whatever I want and I will.

00:48:13.840 --> 00:48:17.920
Um, and she did, and it was just so um admirable.

00:48:18.159 --> 00:48:23.360
And uh again, like I just embody as much as of her as I can.

00:48:24.239 --> 00:48:30.000
And from things I've been told about you and things that I've read about you, you you have been doing that.

00:48:30.159 --> 00:48:33.199
You organized a walk for your mom.

00:48:33.599 --> 00:48:43.679
So I will say I was certainly a helping hand, um, but my godmother Cindy was a huge, she was the captain of that ship.

00:48:43.840 --> 00:48:57.039
Like she drove it, she made sure that I was involved as much as I wanted to be, um, and that my brother had, you know, that we were like almost acknowledged and included.

00:48:57.280 --> 00:49:13.679
Um, and I just found it to be one, very helpful for healing again, um, because we were like directly impacting, like positively impacting other people's lives, like other survivors of domestic violence.

00:49:13.920 --> 00:49:19.199
Um, so we yes, we had an annual run walk for a decade.

00:49:19.599 --> 00:49:23.519
It kind of morphed into like, you know, different variations of that.

00:49:23.599 --> 00:49:38.159
But at the end of the day, for 10 years straight, once a year, we had this huge fundraiser in my mom's honor and her memory, where we would raise funds for our local um domestic violence shelter and resource center.

00:49:38.400 --> 00:49:58.639
Um, and that was also incredibly humbling in a lot of ways because it made me realize like how fortunate I am to have this like absolute like unit of support when it came to my family and my friends and my community.

00:49:58.960 --> 00:50:01.119
Because not everyone is that lucky.

00:50:01.360 --> 00:50:10.079
There are so many victims of domestic violence who don't who have been so isolated they don't have anybody else.

00:50:10.239 --> 00:50:30.320
And so they have this resource center, they have this shelter, and that's what they have, and so um I was I just felt every year I was reminded like how fortunate I am to like have this like other huge group of people behind me.

00:50:30.559 --> 00:50:47.199
Um and that not everybody is so lucky, and so um being able to bring a little bit more hope, a little bit more resource to other women and their families was really special.

00:50:47.599 --> 00:50:48.800
Like really special.

00:50:49.039 --> 00:50:54.000
So um, yeah, we did a lot happen in 10 years.

00:50:54.079 --> 00:51:00.880
Um, graduated high school, went to college, and kind of started that moving forward process with my life.

00:51:00.960 --> 00:51:06.320
Um, but I still stayed very connected to the domestic violence community, like survivor community.

00:51:07.119 --> 00:51:25.039
Um, I volunteered at a shelter um in college where I would do intakes for like new um, I was guess you'd say survivors who like needed to stay at our shelter, getting them resources, restocking, making sure they have what they need.

00:51:25.280 --> 00:51:29.599
And um I did so much silently.

00:51:30.079 --> 00:51:43.039
Um I still cared so deeply about this, I guess if you wanted to call it a cause, but honestly, it's an issue because it's preventable, right?

00:51:44.159 --> 00:51:52.800
And so it's such a deeply rooted issue that um it's gonna take more than just me to like quote unquote fix it.

00:51:52.960 --> 00:52:10.960
Um, but I will say something I struggled with before coming here today was I know my friends and my family, some of them will listen to this, and it's like, oh gosh, like I don't I'm gonna like expose them to like these details and like this trauma.

00:52:11.119 --> 00:52:24.320
And um for me what's more important is if I don't, if I don't talk about it, then who will?

00:52:24.639 --> 00:52:26.559
Like who's gonna talk about it?

00:52:27.360 --> 00:52:34.320
And if these details and that my story makes you uncomfortable, I want people to think about that.

00:52:35.199 --> 00:52:36.159
Think about it.

00:52:36.400 --> 00:52:39.440
This should be talked about because it shouldn't be happening at all.

00:52:39.679 --> 00:52:44.719
And the more we bottle it up, and I used to be a professional battle upper.

00:52:45.199 --> 00:53:02.639
Um we bottle it up, the more it just goes on quietly and makes it seem like it's okay um for these types of things to happen, whether it's you're like the worst case scenario, like what happened to my mom, or anything in between.

00:53:02.719 --> 00:53:03.840
Like none of it's okay.

00:53:03.920 --> 00:53:05.679
And I I want to make that clear.

00:53:05.920 --> 00:53:10.639
And so that's just where it's not about my feelings anymore.

00:53:10.719 --> 00:53:14.800
Like it's about protecting other people because I want this to happen.

00:53:15.199 --> 00:53:17.440
This shouldn't happen to anybody else.

00:53:18.079 --> 00:53:19.199
You're absolutely right.

00:53:19.360 --> 00:53:28.079
I think so many people, when it comes to either those who have witnessed domestic violence or have experienced it, are afraid to speak.

00:53:28.239 --> 00:53:31.840
I mean, there's some legitimate fear because of a fear of repercussions.

00:53:32.239 --> 00:53:38.960
But then there's there's also the fear of what is everyone else going to think and how is this going to make everybody feel?

00:53:39.119 --> 00:53:42.000
And I don't care anymore.

00:53:42.159 --> 00:53:43.920
It should make people feel uncomfortable.

00:53:44.079 --> 00:53:52.880
It's not a comfortable situation in the fact that people are living this day in and day out, and you know, just holding on every day, just trying to survive.

00:53:53.039 --> 00:54:02.320
It should feel uncomfortable to understand that people are doing that, that there are children in the homes that are witnessing these things happen.

00:54:02.559 --> 00:54:12.239
Um I uh I wanted to say, like this whole episode has me so emotional, like, and so many different for so many different reasons.

00:54:12.559 --> 00:54:17.679
But um I I said and I wonder if I ever crossed paths with your mom.

00:54:17.840 --> 00:54:20.400
I think we were not that far apart in age.

00:54:20.480 --> 00:54:22.400
Uh how old would she be today?

00:54:23.199 --> 00:54:28.000
Today she would be I'm not estimate in her early 50s.

00:54:28.320 --> 00:54:28.960
Okay, yeah.

00:54:29.119 --> 00:54:31.840
So I'm I mean, I'm 48, I'm class of 95.

00:54:32.079 --> 00:54:37.599
So I feel like we may have, you know, crossed paths at some point.

00:54:37.760 --> 00:54:40.400
And but uh I never knew her.

00:54:40.559 --> 00:54:42.320
I can say I never knew her personally.

00:54:42.480 --> 00:54:49.199
Um but the way you described her and everything that you have done, this is a part that's getting me emotional.

00:54:49.280 --> 00:54:52.400
Um you were embodying her spirit.

00:54:52.559 --> 00:54:59.840
Everything that you described about her as far as this beautiful person, everything that you have done is that.

00:55:00.079 --> 00:55:39.679
I mean, I would just when you said you have never met another person like her, you need to take a look in the mirror, to be honest, because I mean, this the incredible work that you're doing, despite the trauma that you went through, that you're going through to help other people, um, you know, to be part of that walk as freaking a high school kid, you know, um the stuff that you went through and the things that you have done, the fact that you're raising a daughter, um, and you're keeping your mom's memory alive, like you coming on this podcast, um, all of this is so incredibly strong and so incredibly important.

00:55:40.320 --> 00:55:50.079
And just even telling the worst story of your life, you st you still emit this like light about you that you pull people in.

00:55:50.480 --> 00:55:52.239
And I want to thank you for that.

00:55:52.320 --> 00:55:56.159
And I want, I hope that you realize what an incredible woman you are.

00:55:56.480 --> 00:55:57.119
Appreciate that.

00:55:57.199 --> 00:55:58.880
It's like the best compliment ever.

00:56:01.679 --> 00:56:02.400
It really is.

00:56:02.559 --> 00:56:04.719
Um, yeah, I appreciate that a lot.

00:56:04.880 --> 00:56:15.840
And I just hope that someone else feels like seen and heard in that the thing about like domestic violence, um, is it just like it doesn't look a certain way.

00:56:17.920 --> 00:56:23.440
Anyone on the street walking by would not look would not guess that about me.

00:56:23.840 --> 00:56:33.280
And like that's part of my point, is because like people of all like all types of people are dealing with this and they're dealing with it like silently.

00:56:33.519 --> 00:56:38.960
Um that's the that's like part a huge part of the problem is like they're dealing with it silently.

00:56:39.199 --> 00:57:00.639
So I'm just like flattered that I can be at least one more voice that's not so silent, and that hopefully, if nothing else, it empowers like another woman to know that like she's just just so much braver and stronger than she like gives herself credit for.

00:57:01.360 --> 00:57:06.159
I just want more I want more women to like not only hear that but believe it.

00:57:06.880 --> 00:57:07.519
Yeah.

00:57:07.920 --> 00:57:14.559
Um before we close it youth, is there anything that you want else you wanted to share that we didn't touch on?

00:57:15.840 --> 00:57:24.960
I mean that I'm like I said earlier, like I could talk about her, I could talk about the impact of like of this all for forever.

00:57:25.199 --> 00:57:30.400
Like it's because it really has never like left um my life.

00:57:31.119 --> 00:57:39.519
Um I will say that a wound has like opened for me that I didn't even know I was gonna have.

00:57:39.760 --> 00:57:50.960
You know, my mom has been gone for like so many of my life events, whereas like graduating high school, graduating college, um getting married, like huge life events.

00:57:51.119 --> 00:57:55.360
And then, you know, last year, last September, I had my daughter.

00:57:55.760 --> 00:58:03.840
And becoming a mother myself has almost like picked the scab that I didn't even know I had.

00:58:04.000 --> 00:58:05.519
And it's like so raw.

00:58:05.679 --> 00:58:10.000
Like this is easily the hardest thing I've done without her.

00:58:10.320 --> 00:58:15.199
Um, it's so difficult to be a mom without your mom.

00:58:15.679 --> 00:58:18.800
Um, especially when you're like learning how to do it.

00:58:19.599 --> 00:58:24.159
So um I really like leaned on my circle, my community.

00:58:24.639 --> 00:58:33.519
And it just made me like really reflect on how many other women who have kids who are in this situation that also feel like alone in a lot of ways.

00:58:33.599 --> 00:58:35.840
And I just want you to hear that you're not.

00:58:36.159 --> 00:58:40.880
Um there's so many people who care and are like willing to help.

00:58:41.039 --> 00:58:46.800
You just have to be brave enough to ask, um, which is something that I'm working on myself.

00:58:47.440 --> 00:58:47.840
Same.

00:58:48.480 --> 00:58:48.800
Yeah.

00:58:48.960 --> 00:58:51.039
Uh yeah, not super good at that.

00:58:51.119 --> 00:58:54.960
Um, but I'm working on it, and I just want to like lead by example, honestly.

00:58:55.119 --> 00:59:03.519
And like if you're listening to this and you feel like you're doing it all alone and like you're just protecting your kids, like you don't have to do it alone.

00:59:03.840 --> 00:59:10.880
That's the thing, is like there's no real reward like for doing it alone, um, other than it's just really hard.

00:59:11.199 --> 00:59:17.360
So um lean on your people and find your people to lean on, reach out and ask.

00:59:17.599 --> 00:59:21.360
Um, yeah, you deserve the help.00:59:21.519 --> 00:59:27.760


Um, and you're no less of a mother for asking for it.00:59:28.000 --> 00:59:41.199


Um, so that's one other thing that I really wanted to share because I know how many other women who are maybe pr too proud or too scared um to ask for help.00:59:41.440 --> 00:59:51.360


And if anything, I think it makes you a stronger person for knowing that you actually not only don't have to do it all, but you shouldn't.00:59:52.320 --> 00:59:54.079


Because you can doesn't mean you should.00:59:54.239 --> 00:59:59.039


Um, so just lean on your people, lean on your community.00:59:59.280 --> 01:00:06.079


Um Yeah, you you're already you're already doing a great job.01:00:06.239 --> 01:00:17.440


That's another thing I need other moms to hear is especially moms who are in unhealthy relationships or violent situations, like you are doing an amazing job.01:00:17.519 --> 01:00:19.119


You're an amazing mother.01:00:19.360 --> 01:00:23.840


Um so don't be afraid to like ask for help.01:00:25.119 --> 01:00:28.880


I actually tell my daughter she's very independent, she's young.01:00:29.039 --> 01:00:37.119


Um, and I always tell her I appreciate her independence, but I say, you know, the strongest people ask for help.01:00:37.360 --> 01:00:46.079


And I had told my like I still go to therapy, but I told my therapist this, and she said, Can you say that out loud one more time for yourself to hear?01:00:46.880 --> 01:00:48.960


Because it is a very difficult thing to do.01:00:49.039 --> 01:01:03.920


I am a definitely uh do-it-yourselfer person, my you know, and um but yeah, those are really, really important things for people to hear, you know, domestic violence situation or not, mom's motherhood is difficult.01:01:04.159 --> 01:01:04.400


Yes.01:01:04.719 --> 01:01:14.800


I think there's an expectation that you're supposed to have this automatic gut feeling of knowing what to do and like this motherly yeah, this motherly instinct.01:01:14.880 --> 01:01:17.760


I was I remember when I first had my child, I was like, where is that?01:01:17.840 --> 01:01:19.440


And how come I didn't get it?01:01:21.840 --> 01:01:37.599


Um But you bring so many good points, so many like definite like take-home messages, but uh is there one specific strength or message that you would want to leave with listeners today?01:01:38.639 --> 01:01:42.400


I would say more than anything, just don't give up on yourself.01:01:42.880 --> 01:01:53.599


And you are so worthy of a healthy and safe life, and one where you find your own joy and fulfillment.01:01:54.320 --> 01:02:03.679


So while it might feel like other people might give up on you, just don't ever give up on yourself and keep trying, keep moving going forward, keep pushing.01:02:03.920 --> 01:02:08.079


Um, you are just so stronger than you think you are.01:02:09.360 --> 01:02:09.679


Okay.01:02:10.480 --> 01:02:16.000


And then just before we say goodbye, and you want to say your mom's name just so everybody can Teresa.01:02:16.480 --> 01:02:17.039


Teresa.01:02:18.000 --> 01:02:19.840


Okay, thank you so much, Devin.01:02:20.239 --> 01:02:21.199


Thank you, Ingrid.01:02:21.440 --> 01:02:21.760


Take care.01:02:21.920 --> 01:02:22.400


You too.01:02:22.800 --> 01:02:23.360


Bye-bye.01:02:23.840 --> 01:02:24.320


Bye.01:02:26.239 --> 01:02:31.599


Thank you again for joining me today, Devin, and thank you, warriors, for listening.01:02:31.840 --> 01:02:35.199


I will be back next week with another episode for you.01:02:35.440 --> 01:02:43.920


Until then, stay strong, and wherever you are in your journey, always remember you are not alone.01:02:46.559 --> 01:02:53.440


Find more information, register as a guest, or leave a review by going to the website one and threepodcast.com.01:02:53.599 --> 01:02:58.000


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Music written and performed by Tim Crow.