July 1, 2025
75-Victim Blaming in the Spotlight: A Response to Bill Maher
When a celebrity like Bill Maher uses his platform to tell domestic violence victims they "need to leave right away," it reveals a profound misunderstanding of abuse dynamics that puts real lives at risk. This episode takes on Maher's recent comments about Cassie Ventura and others facing abuse, exposing the dangerous myths behind victim-blaming rhetoric that permeates our culture. Did you know that leaving an abuser increases a victim's risk of being killed by 70%? Or that on a single day i...
When a celebrity like Bill Maher uses his platform to tell domestic violence victims they "need to leave right away," it reveals a profound misunderstanding of abuse dynamics that puts real lives at risk. This episode takes on Maher's recent comments about Cassie Ventura and others facing abuse, exposing the dangerous myths behind victim-blaming rhetoric that permeates our culture.
Did you know that leaving an abuser increases a victim's risk of being killed by 70%? Or that on a single day in 2024, domestic violence programs couldn't meet over 14,000 requests for help due to lack of resources? These aren't just statistics—they're the reality facing survivors who hear "why didn't you just leave?" from every corner of society.
This episode dives deep into abuse psychology, explaining how abusers methodically break down victims' sense of self, creating trauma bonds that aren't easily severed. Using Tina Turner's story as an example, I explore the complex reality behind seemingly simple "success stories" of escape. Even Turner, who left with just 36 cents in her pocket, had attempted to leave multiple times before finally escaping—and still faced severe depression and attempted suicide before finding freedom.
Whether you've experienced abuse yourself or want to better understand why victims make the choices they do, this episode offers crucial context for supporting survivors rather than questioning their decisions. Listen now to challenge your assumptions and learn how we can collectively create a safer world for those facing domestic violence.
Sources:
https://youtu.be/RjUw1-g416w?si=DPRdBsMPA1DraqFI
https://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/volumes/73/wr/mm7334a4.htm
https://domesticviolencehomicidehelp.com/statistics/
https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/abuse/why-do-people-participate-in-victim-blaming/
If you are in the United States and need help right now, call the national domestic violence hotline at 800-799-7233 or text the word “start” to 88788.
Contact 1 in 3:
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Thank you for listening and please remember to rate, review & subscribe!
Cover art by Laura Swift Dahlke
Music by Tim Crowe
00:00 - Introduction to Diddy Case Backlash
02:08 - Dissecting Bill Maher's Comments
05:04 - The Reality of Leaving Abusers
10:43 - Victim Blaming and Cultural Impact
15:00 - Tina Turner's Story Revisited
19:40 - Final Thoughts on Domestic Violence
WEBVTT
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One in three is intended for mature audiences.
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Episodes contain explicit content and may be triggering, as they often include violence and other varying forms of abuse, such as emotional, psychological, sexual and physical.
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In most cases, names have been changed to protect all involved.
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Please note statements and opinions of guests do not necessarily reflect those of my own.
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Hi Warriors, Welcome to one in three.
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I am your host, Ingrid.
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I know the Diddy trial has been getting a lot of attention and, honestly, I haven't followed it closely.
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Apart from standing in support of his victims.
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I haven't felt the need to.
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But what has gotten my attention, though, is the backlash Carrie Ventura has been facing Criticism over what she said, how she said it, how long it took her to say it, Speculations about her motives, as if speaking out after surviving trauma requires a PR strategy.
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It makes me sick, it makes me angry and, honestly, it makes me sad, because Carrie has a team behind her lawyers, advisors, people to help her navigate the storm.
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But what about the others, the victims who face the same backlash, just on a smaller scale, with a smaller and sometimes non-existent support system?
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They're judged too, picked apart, disbelieved, shamed.
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And that brings me to Bill Maher.
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Brilliance, Bill Maher, and no, I'm not being facetious.
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I genuinely think he's brilliant, he's funny, he's sharp and he's unapologetically opinionated.
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He says what he thinks regardless of whether people agree with him, and I respect that.
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But even the most brilliant people can say some truly stupid things, and this time he did.
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In case you missed it, Bill recently did a segment on I think it was around May 30th on Real Time with Bill Maher in which he weighed in on the Diddy case, but it turned into more of a commentary on how Kerry Ventura and other domestic violence victims should conduct themselves.
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Yeah, he went there.
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So today I'm going to break it all down, what he said.
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What's wrong with it?
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Break it all down what he said, what's wrong with it and why comments like his do real harm, whether people want to admit it or not.
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Let's jump in and cutting to the Diddy piece.
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Bill talks about there being two thoughts in our heads at the same time.
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He jokes that the first one is the fact that Diddy is the worst thing that's happened in rap since Hammer Pants, and he calls Diddy an alleged sick fuck and agrees we should lock him up and throw away the baby oil.
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The second thought I am going to actually directly quote him.
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So here we go.
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Things have changed enough so that, moving forward, the rule should be if you're being abused, you got to leave right away.
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Now I completely understand why in the past, why women often did not do that.
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I understand, as counterintuitive as it seems, why an abused woman would send complimentary texts or emails to her abuser after the abuse.
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In an era where women felt, for good reason, that OG predators like Bill Cosby and Harvey Weinstein would never be held accountable, why not at least get something out of it?
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These men were surrounded by all sorts of enablers skeptical cops, assistants who lured women into unsafe spaces, cowards who knew what was going on but didn't dare expose a person who signed their paycheck.
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In that scenario, it was not illogical for an abused woman to say well, if I can't get justice for my pain, can I at least get a receipt, a coupon.
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But a lot has changed.
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Cosby and R Kelly went to prison.
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Harvey Weinstein is going to die in prison.
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Larry Nassar is serving 175 years.
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Jeffrey Epstein was murdered in his jail cell by Hillary Clinton.
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End quote.
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Yikes, I have to interject already right here.
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Bill, you can't just say that you have absolutely no idea what kind of danger victims are in when they leave, and actually you probably really don't have any idea, so let me help you out here.
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Did you know that during the first two weeks after leaving, a survivor's risk of being killed by their abuser increases by 70%?
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And it doesn't stop there.
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For up to two years after leaving, the risk of severe violence stays high 75% higher than before.
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And here's something most people don't realize it's not just the survivor at risk.
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About 20% of intimate partner violence homicides involve other people family members, friends, neighbors, bystanders and law enforcement officers trying to help.
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This is what we mean when we say leaving is dangerous.
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Is what we mean when we say leaving is dangerous.
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This is why survivors have to plan, wait or sometimes stay longer than they want to, Because walking out the door doesn't guarantee freedom.
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Sometimes it escalates the danger.
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Now I feel like that should be enough to end this episode right here, but Bill carried on, and so shall I.
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Back to Bill.
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Quote post Me Too.
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Reporting of sexual crimes is way up, as is the percent of women who say they're more likely to speak out if victimized, and many states have changed laws making it easier for victims to come forward.
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Now, if you have not seen the video.
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This is where a caption pops up and mentions 15 states have passed new laws to protect women after Me Too.
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As a reminder, Me Too started back in 2006, and we are now in 2025.
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There are 50 states in the United States and 15 of them have passed new laws, leaving 35.
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So Moving on, but this should be society's new grand bargain.
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We take every accusation seriously, but don't tell me any more about your contemporaneous account that you said to two friends 10 years ago.
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Tell the police right away.
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Don't wait a decade.
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Don't journal about it.
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Don't turn it into a one woman show.
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End quote.
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Hold on.
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Are you aware of how difficult it really is to leave an abuser?
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Maybe you are, and maybe everything I'm about to say will sound redundant, but just in case it's worth repeating.
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So picture this you have a good life, a great life, even.
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You're just missing one thing a partner.
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And one day they come along.
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You know they're the one, because they mirror everything about you your likes, your values, even your wounds.
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They see you, they love you fiercely, your wounds, they see you.
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They love you fiercely.
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They shower you with affection, maybe even gifts.
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It feels like fate and you fall hard and fast.
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Then, once they know they've got you, they switch up the narrative.
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They insult you, but subtly, just once.
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And when you bring it up, they apologize.
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Everything returns to bliss.
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Then it happens again.
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Maybe this time there's no apology, Maybe they minimize your feelings, Maybe they blame you for making them say that.
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So you apologize and things go back to normal until they don't.
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Now, mind you, this timeline isn't happening day to day, or even week to week.
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It could be months in between these incidents, or even longer.
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Next time you protest and they tell you it never happened.
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Protest and they tell you it never happened.
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Now you're confused.
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What's real, what's not?
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Where's the person you fell in love with?
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You start wondering what you did wrong, what you need to fix, how to get back to the love you had at the beginning.
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And while your head is spinning, the abuse escalates, becomes more frequent, more severe.
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What was once predictable becomes erratic.
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You're walking on eggshells, trying to manage the unmanageable.
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And this is where you get trapped, Not because you're weak, not because you don't want to leave, but because, by the time you finally realize that this is abuse, your confidence has been erased, your self-esteem obliterated, your sense of self-worth gone.
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You don't recognize yourself anymore.
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You second-guess your every thought, every memory, every instinct, because the person who claimed to love you dismantled you.
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And this next quote is gold.
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And I know I just went off on a tangent, so let me remind you Bill was telling victims what not to do.
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Here he continues with a quote and most importantly, don't keep fucking him.
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End quote.
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This was met with loud applause.
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Let me fill you in on something here Sometimes fucking him is the only thing that's keeping you and others safe.
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Perhaps I need to let you know that there may be other people in the home Children even.
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Continuing on quote.
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If he walks free, it will be because his lawyers can point to an endless stream of texts from Cassie expressing what's often called enthusiastic consent to their sex life.
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If you're me tooing someone, it doesn't help your case.
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If you texted him, me too I just want it to be uncontrollable.
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If you want us to think you weren't always ready to freak off, don't write.
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I'm always ready to freak off or wish we we could have FO'd before you left.
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You know, one sign you're pretty comfortable with something is when you call it by its initials end quote.
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Let's talk about survivor blaming, also known as victim blaming, shall we?
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It's when responsibility for a traumatic event is shifted from the perpetrator to the survivor.
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It sounds like why didn't she leave?
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Why didn't he say something sooner?
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Why did they stay so long?
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Why didn't they fight back?
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Why are they sending them these messages?
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Or even what were they wearing?
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Survivor blaming is incredibly damaging.
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It invalidates the experiences of someone who's already been through something traumatic.
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It minimizes or outright excuses the action of the person who caused the harm.
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It leaves the survivor feeling isolated, ashamed and unsupported.
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And just as dangerous, it can allow the perpetrator to avoid consequences or even be consoled, while the survivor is left to carry the weight alone.
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This kind of cultural conditioning doesn't just happen in courtrooms or comment sections.
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It happens in living rooms, in families, on talk shows.
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And until we start shifting the blame back to where it actually belongs, we're just reinforcing the cycle, Skipping over a little bit.
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Bill goes on to say, quote but if we're going to have an honest conversation about abuse, we also have to have an honest conversation about what people are willing to do for stardom.
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If you want a number one record on the charts, so bad, you'll take a number one to the face.
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Some of that is on you, and if you're doing it for love, well come on.
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Oprah and Dr Phil and every podcaster in the world have done a million shows by now about how abuse is not love and abusers don't change.
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If it happened once, there will be more of it.
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To pretend otherwise is like seeing one ant in the sink and thinking, oh, it's probably just the one.
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If you're literally being held captive, that's one thing, but if you're putting up with whatever for love or for your career, then you need to have a little more honesty and accountability about that.
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Ike Turner was a psycho, just like Diddy, but in an era where there was no movement to help her, Tina Turner somehow got away, and she did it with 36 cents in her pocket and a mobile card, end quote.
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I'm so glad you brought up Tina Turner.
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She's one of my absolute favorite stories of survival and success.
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In fact, I covered her journey in a two-part series back in 2023.
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You're right, she left Ike with just 36 cents and a mobile card in her pocket.
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After that, she relied on the kindness of friends moving constantly amongst them.
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When Ike would track her down as a form of payment and a means to show her gratitude.
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She would clean their houses.
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She also performed in small clubs or really anywhere that would have her, and slowly but surely she fought her way back and became the icon we know her as today.
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But, Bill, there are a few points you left out of Tina's story that I would like to bring to your attention.
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Did you know that Ike was beating and raping her before they even got married?
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I suppose the number ones to her face were on her too.
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She only said yes because she was afraid of what would happen if she said no.
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He took her to Tijuana to sign the marriage papers and get this.
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He took her to a live sex show at a brothel.
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Afterward the abuse didn't stop after they got married.
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He beat her, cheated constantly, broke her ribs and her jaw, and once he threw scalding coffee in her face, leaving her with third degree burns.
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She was traumatized and deeply depressed.
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At one point she attempted to overdose on sleeping pills.
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And you want to know what's even more fucked up?
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Is she timed taking the pills so they wouldn't kick in until after she had began her set that evening?
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Why?
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Well, because she wanted to make sure that Ike still got paid, because that's the kind of emotional manipulation and control she was living under.
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She didn't leave the first time, the second time, the third time or multiple times after that.
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I mean, she did eventually try to leave, but Ike tracked her down three times and brought her back home.
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Any guess on what happened then?
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Now, like you said, this was an era without a movement to support her.
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But here's the thing has anything really changed?
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Because between 2001 and 2012, 6,488 American soldiers were killed in Afghanistan.
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During that same period, 11,766 American women were killed by current or former male partners.
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Think about that, and I'm not being overly dramatic.
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That's data.
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And during just three years, from 2018 to 2021, nearly 4,000 women were murdered by intimate partners in the United States.
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And that's just women.
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Fyi, here, domestic violence happens to men and women, non-binary transgenders, regardless of sexual orientation.
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So, yes, there are a multitude of reasons victims don't leave and while some people may dismiss them as mundane, the reality is fear is real, the threat is real and too often it ends in death.
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Here's more numbers to ponder.
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On just one day, September 4th 2024, over 1,700 domestic violence programs across the United States took part in a national count led by the National Network to End Domestic Violence.
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On that single day, they found that victims had made 14,095 requests for help that couldn't be met.
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Why?
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Lack of funding, not enough staff, not enough beds, not enough shelter?
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60% of those unmet needs were for housing, emergency shelters, transitional housing, even hotel rooms.
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So when people ask, why didn't they just leave?
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This is why, Even when a victim is ready, the help they need simply might not be there.
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The system that's supposed to catch them has holes, massive keeping holes, and sometimes those holes are the difference between surviving and not.
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Surely you've heard enough by now, but bear with me.
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I just have a few more reasons I want to give you that victims don't leave right away because they're afraid no one will believe them, because they're ashamed, because they're terrified of the ridicule that so often follows when someone finally speaks up.
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And sadly, we are still living in an era where public figures, respected voices with massive followings use their platforms to dismiss or diminish a survivor's truth.
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We're talking about comedians, political commentators, talk show hosts, people with millions of subscribers, publicly undermining the very real trauma, manipulation and gaslighting that survivors endure for years.
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And when that happens, it tells every victim watching see, no one will believe you, even if you leave, even if you speak up, so they stay silent or, worse, they go back.
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This isn't about individual choices.
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It's about the culture we've created, a culture where cruelty is cloaked as comedy, where skepticism is seen as intellect and where the benefit of the doubt is too often given to the abuser and not the abused abuser and not the abused.
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If you really want to have an honest conversation about abuse, shoot me a message.
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Until then, pull yourself together, Bill.
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Your ignorance is showing.
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Thank you for listening.
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Sources for today's episode, along with a link to the clip of the Real Time with Bill Maher episode I was referring to, can be found in the show notes.
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I'll be back next week with another episode for you.
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Until then, stay strong and wherever you are in your journey, always remember you are not alone alone.
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One in Three is a .5 Pinoy production Music written and performed by Tim Crow.
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