Jan. 27, 2026
Why Male Voices Matter In Ending Abuse with Anthony Pasquini I Ep. 105
What role do men play in ending domestic violence—and why does their silence matter? In this episode of 1 in 3 Podcast, attorney and former prosecutor Anthony Pasquini joins Ingrid for a candid conversation about male accountability, allyship, and the power of everyday intervention. Anthony shares the moment that shifted his work from the courtroom to community advocacy, after noticing how quickly men disengaged from conversations about abuse. Together, the discussion explores how abuse escal...
What role do men play in ending domestic violence—and why does their silence matter?
In this episode of 1 in 3 Podcast, attorney and former prosecutor Anthony Pasquini joins Ingrid for a candid conversation about male accountability, allyship, and the power of everyday intervention. Anthony shares the moment that shifted his work from the courtroom to community advocacy, after noticing how quickly men disengaged from conversations about abuse.
Together, the discussion explores how abuse escalates from subtle control to coercion and violence when harmful behaviors go unchallenged. Anthony offers practical, realistic ways men can interrupt that cycle—without grandstanding—by setting boundaries, shutting down objectifying language, checking in when something feels off, and choosing empathy over silence.
The episode also highlights WINGS, a Chicago-area organization providing safe housing for survivors, children, and pets, along with education on domestic violence, strangulation, and traumatic brain injuries. Anthony explains why memory gaps in survivors may reflect injury rather than inconsistency—and why this understanding is critical for law enforcement, prosecutors, and healthcare providers.
If you’ve ever wondered how to help someone experiencing abuse, this episode offers a grounded framework: be safe, be clear, be steady. You don’t need to be a survivor to stand with survivors—and you don’t need a platform to make a difference.
Anthony’s Links:
https://www.1in3podcast.com/guests/anthony-pasquini/
https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61584143305857
https://www.linkedin.com/in/anthony-pasquini-1a7924238/
1 in 3 is intended for mature audiences. Episodes contain explicit content and may be triggering to some.
If you are in the United States and need help right now, call the national domestic violence hotline at 800-799-7233 or text the word “start” to 88788.
Contact 1 in 3:
- Send your emails to 1in3podcast@gmail.com
- Follow on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok @1in3podcast
- Check out the website https://www.1in3podcast.com/
Thank you for listening!
Cover art by Laura Swift Dahlke
Music by Tim Crowe
00:00 - Welcome And Why Men’s Voices Matter
01:47 - Anthony’s Background In Law And Service
05:24 - The Moment That Sparked His Advocacy
10:53 - Why Men Often Stay Silent
15:43 - Modeling Strength With Vulnerability
20:38 - Does Male Advocacy Change Other Men
25:58 - Calling Out Harmful Talk And Behavior
31:33 - Safe Interventions And Bystander Options
36:48 - Isolation, Subtle Support, And Small Acts
41:33 - What WINGS Does And How To Engage
46:28 - TBIs, Strangulation, And Memory Gaps
WEBVTT
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Hi Warriors, welcome to One in Three.
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I'm your host, Ingrid.
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Most of my guests have lived experience with domestic violence, sexual assault, and or trafficking.
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Today I'm honored to welcome someone who chose this work as an ally.
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Please help me in welcoming Anthony Pisquini as we talk about why men's voices are so important in the fight against domestic violence, as well as his work with wings.
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Here's Anthony.
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Hi, Anthony.
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Thank you so much for joining me on one and three and welcome.
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Thank you.
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I was gonna say good morning.
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It's 1 p.m.
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Good afternoon.
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Thank you for having me.
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Who knows?
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Nobody knows what time it is anymore.
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I don't know what day it is, what month it is.
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We're already in 2026, which is that's hard enough to figure out.
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So, okay, we have a lot of interesting topics to talk about today.
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But before we do that, could you just give a little bit of a background on yourself so listeners can get to know you some?
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Sure, absolutely.
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So my name's Anthony Piasquini.
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Um, I'm out of the Chicagoland area.
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Uh I am a uh practicing attorney.
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I've been practicing law going on 12 years now.
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Uh, eight of those years, I was a criminal prosecutor uh in two separate counties.
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Uh I worked on domestic violence cases, I worked on uh violent felonies, robberies, burglaries, everything from traffic cases, um, you know, all the way up to felony cases.
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So a wide variety there.
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Um, I've worked uh hand in hand with law enforcement to assist them in their investigations, uh, which did include a number of domestic violence cases, child abuse cases, regulations, you know, you name it, but we worked on it.
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Uh currently uh I uh work as a labor and employment attorney on behalf of law enforcement with the Metropolitan Alliance of Police.
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We're a labor union representing uh local law enforcement, suburban law enforcements in Illinois, uh law enforcement agencies, rather, in Illinois.
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And over the last couple of years, I've been getting involved with domestic abuse advocacy work, specifically through an organization that I just think is absolutely incredible.
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It's called Wings, W-I-N-G-S.
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And it's it's like nothing I've ever experienced before.
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The the opportunities that they give people, but the services that they provide is really something that has been very impactful on the way that that you know I view the communities around me, the communities that I'm involved in, and the resources that they have to help people is um it's it's phenomenal.
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So I've been doing that for the past two years and working with them has really just completely changed the way that I perceive the world around me.
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So a lot of times people who come on who get active in the domestic violence community have a personal reason to do so.
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How did you get involved with wings?
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Was it with your or how how did you want to start getting more involved with domestic violence?
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Was it because of the work that you had done before?
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A lot of that has to do with my line of work.
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Uh when I was a law student, I had no idea what being a lawyer meant.
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I was I was under the impression that being an attorney meant uh, you know, a nice corporate gig or a nice big law firm with a corner office on LaSalle Street downtown.
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And I tried that a little bit in law school and I really didn't like it.
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Uh, it wasn't for me.
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And a friend suggested, you know, why don't you check out the state's attorney's office?
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And I had no idea what the state's attorney's office was.
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I didn't watch Law and Order, I didn't watch um SVU or any of that.
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So that was uncharted territory for me.
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But I'll never forget driving up to 26 in California as a second-year law student and seeing the courthouse and walking into the office and hearing about what they did, and then finally getting my hands on cases and I fell in love with it.
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And so I dedicated my career uh or a good majority of it so far to public service.
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And even though I don't work in that line of of uh the industry anymore, it's still something that I hold very dear to me and I and I have not let go of being of service to people.
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And so how I got involved in it was primarily through my job.
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You know, I worked in domestic violence courtroom as a misdemeanor assistant for for about a year, maybe a little bit more.
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And that was a wild experience.
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And it and it made me appreciate the things that people have going on in their lives and how these cases affect people.
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Uh, but it wasn't really until I had left being a prosecutor that I started to dig more into things that I could do outside of work.
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And so I actually attended Wings was hosting along with the Chicago Bar Association and a couple other sponsors, uh, a domestic violence symposium that was held in downtown Chicago.
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And so I attended that.
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And what really sparked my engagement was this was an all-day event.
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Every speaker that got up, every panel, uh, every presenter got up and said, take a look around the room and see how many male faces are in here, how many men are in here.
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And I looked around, and admittedly, at first I got a little defensive, and I was like, well, there's a good chunk of guys here.
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Like I'm a guy, like I'm here.
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Doesn't that mean anything?
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And uh the longer the day went on, the more that topic got brought up, and the more I looked around, and I I went from feeling um frustrated or or defensive about it, to a different kind of mad because I looked around and I noticed the the male faces have dwindled, and there's not as many at the end of the day as as we started at the beginning of the day.
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And so I emailed my bar association president and I emailed the wings just general line saying, hey, I I want to be involved.
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I I gotta do something.
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But this was a line of work that that I fell in love with, and to not be in a courtroom in that capacity anymore, you know, there's a a void that I I feel for that.
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So this really spoke to me.
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I, you know, I believe it called to me.
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And um I I never stopped running after that.
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You know, they they responded right away, everyone responded right away, and we came up with different ways to, you know, come up with initiatives to to to work on that very issue, is is addressing getting men involved.
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Because it really was a moment where I had to step back and think about, you know, like why was I why was I upset at the beginning of the day?
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Um, why did I get so defensive about it?
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Because having seen how the day played out, and you know, hindsight being 2020, um, yeah, they were absolutely right to bring that up as much as they did.
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And clearly it worked.
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You know, I here I am today talking about this issue because it is something that needs to be discussed.
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And so over the last two years, one through Wings and one through my local bar association, I've I've given two separate presentations now on uh the importance of getting men involved.
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And I tell that story because I think it's important for people to understand you gotta you gotta hold yourself accountable before you can hold anyone else accountable.
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And understanding why I was defensive about it, and then understanding why they were so assertive in that message, it forced me to take that step back and say, you know, one or two guys in the room at the end of the day isn't enough.
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It's it's not enough.
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And this is an issue that transcends um everything.
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It's it's it's non-political, it's it's non-secular, it has it has nothing to do with you know preferences or cultural biases or anything like that.
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It is an issue that that transcends everything.
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And and it's about taking care of our people.
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It comes with taking care of our friends, our family, our our neighbors, our our kids, our friends' kids.
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People we don't know because you don't know what people are struggling with.
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And um, you know, unfortunately, I think that that we've you know lived in a society where this topic is not as heavily discussed, and there's aspects of it that have been normalized.
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So, you know, throughout the last two years, I've I've done a lot of research on it.
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I've talked to a lot of people, I've I've done, you know, my own soul searching to figure out what is the message that that I feel like we're missing and that I think that I can communicate uh to get people to be involved and to feel included.
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Um, and that's that's how we got here.
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That's that's how it started with with my career and then leaving that career and figuring out how can I still be of service to people, you know, having left the only way that I knew how to be of service to people.
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Why do you think men, there are so little men who I mean, there are for sure men who are involved in in the domestic violence community, but why do you think it's such a difficult concept or topic for men to feel that they should get involved with it?
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Because we don't talk about it.
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I I and I don't want to oversimplify it, but I I'm going to.
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Um we don't talk about it.
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No one is um, you know, screaming from the mountaintop it would be better.
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Um and and I do think again that we've we've developed and grown in a society where abuse and violence has been desensitized, you know, in in in entertainment.
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You can go back to old black and white uh westerns.
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You know, those those movies, those shorts, those shows mostly revolved around the big, tough uh uh cowboy that was of of little words but great strength, and a damsel in distress that was hog tied to a railroad track needing rescue.
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And if she said something out of line, well then she got a slap.
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And that was normal.
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It it was laughed at, it was brushed off as oh, she's she's crazy, and look at him, like knocking some sense into her.
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Like that's we we grew up with that.
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Generations have have grown up with that.
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So we don't talk about men's roles in in changing that dynamic.
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And it's gotten better over time, and and I I like the discussions about toxic masculinity because I think that that's important to address too.
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But I also think it's important to address that masculinity in and of itself is not inherently toxic, and it doesn't have to be toxic.
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And you could be a man of few words with great strength, that can use those few words with a powerful message.
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Um, I am not a man of few words.
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I I uh I talk a lot, and uh I hope I convey a lot when I when I speak because this is something that I think needs to be discussed more, and I think the idea of um men being vulnerable, being empathetic, being sympathetic is just having the surface being scratched in these kind of conversations.
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And um, you know, for me on a personal level, what I pride myself on in my career, which I have uh tried to carry over into my personal life, is that no matter where I go, I I I do think I'm the toughest person in the room.
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And I thought that because of the line of work that I did, standing up for victims, for their rights, um, for families that that you know wanted to be rectified, to be made whole, and to work with some families that could never be made whole because they lost a loved one.
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Um, or their their loved one was was so abused that they'll never be the same again.
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And um, you know, that made me feel strong standing up for those people.
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Um, but now I feel strong for a different reason, and that's because I I do feel comfortable addressing my own vulnerabilities, talking about what makes me a strong man, but what also makes me um not necessarily a weak man, but where my vulnerabilities lie and and the things that I know that can hurt me.
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And and I have learned over time through conversations with friends, with family, um, through through uh uh going to therapy is learning what those feelings are, what those those thoughts that you're having are, and how to communicate them.
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And so I I you know to answer the question in an incredibly long-winded way, I think it's because we're not talking about it.
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At the very least, we're not talking about it um enough in the way that we should.
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And I believe that the way that we should be talking about that is how to be a strong man while addressing your vulnerabilities.
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Okay.
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And like, so I mean, I imagine it would be intimidating looking around a room and seeing that you're one of two or three men left in this venue, but then taking that step to go ahead and be one of the men who wants to speak out.
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What difference do you think it makes for men to speak out?
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Do you think that it has an impact on other men, on the entire domestic violence community?
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I think it does.
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Okay.
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I mean, I do too.
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I yeah, I think I think it has a profound effect.
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Um because I I think for so long this issue has been predominantly discussed through women, through the through the eyes of what it's like to be a woman who's been abused, uh, a woman who's who's uh uh watch their child be abused.
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Um and we forget that uh those perspectives are the are the overwhelming majority of domestic abuse cases.
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You know, 86% of of domestic violence cases uh affect women and young children.
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But men are affected by it too.
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And I think some of that has those numbers, the way that they're they're uh existing, um, which is is you know, nobody's certainly not the victim's fault.
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But I think it it's made it hard for men to come forward and say, I'm a victim too, I've I've been abused, I've been hit because of the the same standard, you know, that the the cowboy standard, strong silent type.
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You have to be the strong silent type.
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And I think we're just getting to a point in our society where it's becoming more normalized for men to say, no, I've I've been on the receiving of end of that, and and I and I don't like it.
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I didn't like the way that that felt.
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Um, but they don't feel like they they have an outlet to do that.
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And if they do, it's uh it's you know kind of thin ice that they have to walk on.
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Um but I think when you you break down those walls and and I say this as someone um, you know, full disclosure, I have not suffered abuse.
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I I have not been abused, and I'm very fortunate for that.
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I I didn't grow up in a household um where that was uh a thing we had to be concerned about.
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Um I don't consider that in my day-to-day life, uh, you know, raising a hand or raising my voice to my wife or or my family.
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Um, you know, that's that's I'm very fortunate in that regard.
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But I will say this you do not have to be a victim, you do not have to be someone who has experience in this area, this subject matter, to speak out and to have an opinion and to have a voice.
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To me, yes, I have I have my career, I have you know the things that I do now uh with the groups that I'm involved with.
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But at the end of the day, I got started talking about this because I was just a guy in a room that got tired of not using my voice and and seeing a uh you know the group of men in that same room dwindle and dwindle and dwindle.
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I I got mad and you know, I hit a breaking point.
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And I think there's a lot of other men out there that are getting to that breaking point and they want to be good role models for their kids, they want to be good role models for their family.
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And I think when you when you do that, when you have those conversations between men, between men and women, um it it affects people to to to say, hey, I think I'm the strongest guy in the room.
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I think I'm the toughest guy in the room, but this cuts me deep, this cuts me deep, and this hurts me.
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That doesn't just cut me, it hurts me.
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But I'm still the toughest guy in the room because I put in the work to understand those things.
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And it's important for me to know and absorb how I felt because of that, and then try to make it as easy as I can for people that are going through those same experiences to say, hey, you're not alone in this.
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I've got you, I'm not gonna let you fail.
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We're not gonna let you fail.
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And I think the more we do that, and you have more men recognizing that it's okay to admit that your feelings were hurt.
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It's okay to admit that uh you're you're down, you're sad sometimes, or your reaction can't be uh to get angry and to get frustrated and take that out on other people.
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But having those conversations makes it a lot easier for people to relate to you.
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You know, it's empathy, it's sympathy, it's it's just relatability.
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It's taking care of your neighbor.
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And and I I think, you know, through the last two years, having the conversations that I've had with people, um, you know, I'm big on mentorship.
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I mentor um law students and young attorneys and uh, you know, men and women, and we have these talks.
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You know, we hey, law school was really hard today.
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Yeah, law school was really hard for me too.
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I had a really lousy time my first year and a half.
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It did not, it did not feel like a fun experience.
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You're not alone.
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And it goes the same for this, you know, just letting people know that you're not alone, letting men know you're not alone.
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Let's talk about it and let's let's problem solve.
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And then now we're we're helping everybody.
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Yeah.
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And it's you don't have to be a big speaker.
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You don't have to go on a podcast and have, you know, whatever conversation.
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It can be just the conversations within your group of people that allow men to start understanding that it is okay to talk about these things.
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And then on the flip side, you know, being a woman talking about domestic violence, and like you mentioned, it's prevalent with women being the victim and looking out and seeing other women you're talking to.
00:19:46.619 --> 00:19:49.019
And men aren't always abusers.
00:19:49.180 --> 00:20:00.140
Women can be abusers as well in either hetero or homosexual relationships, but it is disheartening because if men are the abusers, how are they getting there?
00:20:00.299 --> 00:20:03.579
How are other men not allowing it?
00:20:03.900 --> 00:20:05.740
But where is this tolerance?
00:20:05.819 --> 00:20:19.420
And I know you and I had a conversation before we we started recording where there's that whole locker room talk, and where there's that devaluing of women that can happen.
00:20:19.660 --> 00:20:25.500
And over time, does that build up into being More tolerant of abuse.
00:20:26.220 --> 00:20:31.900
And as a woman saying this, saying, okay, well, you're like, oh God, that girl's hot.
00:20:32.059 --> 00:20:33.660
Let me go grab her ass.
00:20:33.900 --> 00:20:36.299
And the buddy's like, yeah, go do it, go do it.
00:20:36.460 --> 00:20:43.339
And then, oh, the wife kind of, she got a little mouthy, so I had to smack her around a little bit and being okay with that too.
00:20:43.579 --> 00:20:45.660
It's, I say something like that.
00:20:45.819 --> 00:20:51.339
And men are looking at me like, you are way too sensitive and you are way overreacting.
00:20:51.660 --> 00:20:58.140
But to have men saying something similar, it has a completely different impact.
00:20:58.299 --> 00:21:00.059
How do you feel about all of that?
00:21:00.539 --> 00:21:03.579
I agree with you a million percent on that.
00:21:03.660 --> 00:21:10.059
Um, and I think that's why the conversations need to be have uh be need to be had.
00:21:10.140 --> 00:21:11.180
I'm sorry.
00:21:12.779 --> 00:21:35.980
You know, I I grew up in the the 90s and early 2000s, and and WWE was um white hot fire, and a lot of it was scantily clad women rolling around in in oil and and jello and mud and stuff, and that was the norm then.
00:21:36.220 --> 00:21:37.819
Nobody thought about it.
00:21:38.140 --> 00:21:42.380
But that's the the the way that entertainment escalated over time.
00:21:42.460 --> 00:21:48.299
You know, we went from the damsel in distress to, you know, now we're promoting these women and objectifying these women.
00:21:48.539 --> 00:21:57.180
Um, and you know, there I'm still a wrestling fan to this day, uh, but the product has changed and now you're seeing women being uplifted in different ways.
00:21:57.420 --> 00:22:00.619
And it's it's cool to see that evolution of it.
00:22:00.859 --> 00:22:14.380
But you know, when you're you're looking at at those instances of the locker room talk, um I don't know if it's if it's you know where I come from with my background, I grew up in an Italian household.
00:22:14.539 --> 00:22:18.380
You don't talk about my mother, you don't talk about my sister, you don't talk about my grandmother.
00:22:18.539 --> 00:22:22.380
You could say whatever you want about me, you're leaving the women in my life alone.
00:22:22.539 --> 00:22:24.700
Um, but I don't think that's unique to Italians.
00:22:24.779 --> 00:22:27.019
I think that's everybody.
00:22:27.500 --> 00:22:29.579
But I think it's it's as simple as that.
00:22:29.660 --> 00:22:39.660
When you if you're a man and you hear someone talking like that, and if your thought isn't, would you say that about my mom?
00:22:39.819 --> 00:22:41.259
Would you say that about my sister?
00:22:41.500 --> 00:22:43.900
Would you want someone saying that about your daughter?
00:22:44.299 --> 00:22:47.019
Is that how you want your daughter to be treated?
00:22:49.019 --> 00:22:51.420
Now you got some soul searching you gotta do.
00:22:53.819 --> 00:23:00.140
You don't, like you said, you don't you don't have to get on a podcast, you don't have to talk a lot about this.
00:23:01.099 --> 00:23:04.539
In those moments, you don't even have to speak up.
00:23:04.700 --> 00:23:06.220
You know, it's different for everybody else.
00:23:06.380 --> 00:23:11.900
I'm at a point in my life where I feel confident in saying don't don't talk like that.
00:23:12.140 --> 00:23:14.619
Don't especially don't talk like that in front of me.
00:23:15.099 --> 00:23:16.299
That's not for everybody.
00:23:16.380 --> 00:23:21.900
And I don't hold everyone to that standard because my experiences are my experience, and there's a reason I feel comfortable doing that.
00:23:22.059 --> 00:23:24.380
That's not the same for everybody else.
00:23:25.579 --> 00:23:27.980
Silence isn't always the answer.
00:23:28.539 --> 00:23:46.220
But if it's a one-on-one thing and someone's saying, you know, one of your buddies is saying something about a girl across the bar or in the restaurant or wherever it is that you're at and you don't like it, walking away, you know, if that's something you're comfortable with and being like, yeah, I'm kind of done for the night, that can be effective too.
00:23:46.460 --> 00:23:52.460
Now, staying silent as the behavior escalates and the talks escalate, that's a different story.
00:23:52.779 --> 00:24:02.059
But if you don't have the confidence or the feeling of safety and security to confront that person with that, there are other options that you could do.
00:24:02.220 --> 00:24:07.980
If you see another guy uh uh, you know, bothering a girl somewhere, bothering a woman somewhere.
00:24:08.220 --> 00:24:11.980
Um, you know, again, I grew up in the 90s and early 2000s.
00:24:12.059 --> 00:24:18.940
One of my biggest gripes that I have with my teachers was, uh, and I'm bad at math, don't get used to having a calculator all the time.
00:24:19.019 --> 00:24:19.900
You're not gonna have it.
00:24:19.980 --> 00:24:22.779
And now we walk around with supercomputers in our pockets.
00:24:23.019 --> 00:24:32.380
You can call 911, you could call 311, you could go up to bar staff, restaurant staff, store staff and say, hey, that guy's being a little aggressive with that girl.
00:24:32.539 --> 00:24:33.579
Keep an eye on him.
00:24:33.740 --> 00:24:35.900
Um, you know, there's other options that you could do.
00:24:35.980 --> 00:24:38.140
You don't always have to be the person that steps in.
00:24:38.299 --> 00:24:40.460
And I'm not always the person that steps in.
00:24:40.619 --> 00:24:52.539
You know, sometimes it is going to somebody that that has more resources than you do because they work at the place that you're at, or they, you know, own the place that you're at, the house that you're at, wherever it is.
00:24:52.700 --> 00:25:03.980
Um, but yeah, you know, there's there's locker room talk with the boys where if you want to rib on each other, uh and you know, poke jabs at each other, that's one thing.
00:25:04.299 --> 00:25:13.740
But once you you cross that line and you and you start objectifying men, women, you you you start, you know, kind of being loose with your morals.
00:25:14.220 --> 00:25:21.900
Um that's I think where you got to draw that line and any man and just say, not for me.
00:25:22.059 --> 00:25:24.299
Like, don't don't talk about that, you know.
00:25:24.460 --> 00:25:32.380
Um, and then hopefully they pick up on it, or hopefully the people around you pick up on it and they stand with you and they say, Yeah, man, that's not funny.
00:25:32.539 --> 00:25:35.099
That's not that's not an okay thing for you to say.
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