When Leaving Turns Dangerous: Jane’s Story of Coercive Control & Legal Abuse I Ep. 116

Welcome, Listener Letter, And Poem

SPEAKER_01 0:24

Hi, Warriors. Welcome to One in Three. I'm your host, Ingrid. Before we get into today's episode, I want to take a moment to recognize a message I received from a listener, Jay. Jay, thank you for your honesty and for trusting me with something so deeply personal. You shared your journey of recovery from both addiction and abuse, and what stood out was the way you described the numbness. How sometimes we push trauma aside just to survive until something happens and our body reminds us it's still there. I felt that because I've actually felt that. After leaving my abuser, I thought I was okay until I wasn't. And I want you to know it takes real strength to recognize when it's time to face what's been buried. Healing isn't linear. There's no timeline for when you're supposed to unpack it all. What matters is that you're here and allowing yourself to begin processing what happened. I'm so grateful this podcast could be a small part of that step for you. I'm truly honored to walk alongside you in this part of your journey. Jay also shared a poem titled Broke. You broke my heart, you broke my soul, you broke my spirit, you broke me physically, you broke me mentally, you broke my confidence, you broke my self-esteem, you broke the person I used to be. You broke me. You made me a victim. But now I'm making myself a survivor. Jay, thank you. Not only are your words worthy, they're the perfect segue into today's episode. On this podcast, we speak the truths that too often go unheard. Abuse doesn't always leave visible scars. It can be emotional, psychological, financial, or even carried out through the legal system. And it can happen to anyone. Today, Jane bravely shares her story of surviving domestic and legal abuse, exposing the manipulation, the isolation, and the long fight for protection and justice. Sharing these stories matters. When survivors speak, we break silence, expose patterns, and create awareness that leads to real change. If you're listening and this feels familiar, please hear this. You are not alone. Your voice matters. There is a community standing with you. And together, we are changing the narrative. Hi, Jane. I am so honored to have you joining me today. And thank you very much for coming on. Hi, thank you for having me. So we're going to go into your story, but before we get into all of that, do you want to just share some background information just so the listeners get an idea of who they're they're listening to?

SPEAKER_02 3:29

All right. So my name is Jane. I'm a nurse. I'm a survivor of domestic and legal abuse. And I am here to tell my story because I think it's important for all of us to start talking about this.

SPEAKER_01 3:42

It's very difficult. So thank you again. Uh, it's very brave for you to come on and share your story. And I know there's a lot of people out there that are going to be very grateful to hear your story because even though each one of us have different stories, there are so many parallels. And it's easy to get lost in where you're at and to think that you're alone and nobody has ever been through something like this before. So I appreciate it. And I'm sure there's a lot of other people out there that are also saying they appreciate you being here.

Online Dating And The Love Bomb

Moving In And Coercive Control

COVID Pressure And Escalating Fear

SPEAKER_02 4:16

Thank you. Uh, so you know, what really prompted me to want to talk about this is I was telling somebody my story, and they weren't even, they didn't even mean to sound like they were like they were being judgy or offensive, but um that but they made a comment that said, you know, God, I could never let that happen to me. And I just really got upset about that because this this is what we need to talk about because people always look or hear about these situations and they think, well, why didn't they just leave? I'm too smart for that, or I, you know, I'm this, I'm that. I I just want to I graduated summa cum laud from uh from a a nursing school. I must just say I'm a smart person with a good upbringing, and this can happen to anybody, and that's the first thing I want everybody to know. And not only that, people people like him, I shall call him bozo. That's fantastic. We need some levity, right? Yes, they target people who are successful, who are smart because they are not, they are not, they are parasites, and so they target people who um you know are self-sufficient but have empathetic hearts, you know. So, us as nurses, prime targets. Prime targets. So yeah, it took a lot of years of therapy to be able to talk about this without, you know, being triggered, but I think I'm finally ready. So I moved to the city um about 11 years ago, and I didn't know anybody here. I started from a place where I knew everybody, and um, so I had friends, I was I worked in a place where I could meet people if I wanted to date. Like I just never wanted for any kind of social interaction. Um, I never felt lonely, anything like that. And I lived there for 20 years. And when I got my first nursing job, I had to move to a new city. I didn't know anybody here. So I thought, I'll um, I'll start with online dating. I'll try it. What the hell? What's the worst that can happen, right? Yeah, I was about to find out. Uh so um, you know, and uh I'm sure all of us ladies that have been on online dating can attest to this. It's just a sea of dudes cutting and pasting, and you know, nobody even reads your profile. Nobody, it's just they're just casting this wide night, you know, and you're looking at a picture, and it's I was new to this whole thing, and I was like, no, I just did not know how to navigate this. And along comes this guy, good looking, late feast, still has a head of hair, and you know, his profile is like too good to be true, of course. Oh, my job takes me all over the world, and I'm an entrepreneur, and uh he says he's a single dad. I'm like, okay, you know, responsible, right? And uh so he sends me an email and he and it's framed it like he he actually he obviously read my profile. Oh, you're a nurse, you're an angel, blah, blah, blah. I love nurses. They are just cue the love bombing right off the bat. So we email back and forth a little bit, and then he wants to meet. Um, I said, I'm working tonight, but maybe another time. And he said, Oh, let's meet after work. I want to see you when you're scrubbed. I don't care that you have no makeup. I want to see you as you are, I don't care about any of that stuff. I was blah, blah, blah. Nurses are angels. And so I thought, all right. And uh so I did. I met up with him after work. A brief meeting, and I got a good, you know, charming, charismatic, giving me the full, the full uh, you know, love bomb act, and uh he loved my ER stories. And it's really hard when you work in the ER, you can't tell everybody your stories, not everybody has a stomach for it. And so he loves my ER stories. I was lonely, he's love bombing me, he's putting me on a pest pedestal, and so I thought, you know, jackpot. And he's a single dad, he's supporting his children, and I thought, all right, this is like this is great. So we, you know, it starts off hot and heavy, and um, you know, pretty soon after, so this goes on for a couple of months, and then he suddenly his roommate, so he lived with a roommate, and suddenly his roommate had to move out, and she was the primary leaseholder, so he was like, Well, I have to move out too. And he um he didn't jump into my place right away, it was a little too soon for that. Um he said, Oh, I have a I have this place at this, you know, it was really far away. But he said, Oh, it's it's me and my kids, and it's kind of cramped there, and we're a guest in their home, and also they're super religious. So best if you don't come over, but I can come to you. And so he would come to visit me. But he could never stay over. And I I was like, you know, what is this? And I would try to question him and he'd be like, No, no, no, no. It's nothing. I'm just I'm looking for a place and just just give me some time. And so I was like, I just felt weird about like I'm not able to see where he lives. But it wasn't very long that he was there, and uh, he called me up one night and he said, We just got kicked out, and I was like, Okay, just come over and we'll we'll figure this out. You guys can stay here for a couple of nights, but a couple of nights. Um had you had you met his kids yet? Oh yeah, I had met them. Oh, okay, okay. Yeah, yeah, and and that was another um red flag, you know. I met them right away, like the first or second time I met him was like was was he introduced me to his kids. I was like, well, that's okay. It's moving a little fast here, but all right. You know, most single parents would be like, I want to wait a second, but what do I know? I've never done this online dating before. So, and then I had honestly never dated anyone with kids before. So he brings the kids over, and I'm like, Well, yeah, this can I I you can stay here for a couple nights, but this my place is tiny, it's just for me. And then a week goes by, and then I'm like, look, I'm gonna go visit my parents. Yeah, I'll so that'll give you a few days, but you gotta be out by the time I'm gone. I'm like, I'm sorry, but I I love you, but you know, so I came back, they're still there, and I was like, look, this is not gonna work. And I was like trying to establish some boundaries, and then that's when he just started to turn it all around. Like, how can you throw us out? You're throwing my my kids out, and how can you do this to them and putting me out when we're down on our luck and you don't love us and blah, blah, blah. So it just turned into this the gaslighting. Can I ask, where was their mom? So she had problems of her own, which says a lot that he was the better parent. Um that they I and I don't think he legally had custody of them, but they were with him all the time because they didn't, um, they didn't like to go with their mother. Um, he was just a slightly better option, but not a good option. Oh gosh, yeah. Which was very sad. So I just was kind of stuck. We moved into a bigger apartment in my building, so that kind of alleviated some of it. But I still said you need to get a get up. I I kept trying to, but more and more, the more I bring it up, I brought it up, he would have just shut me down and just gaslight me. And then he just took control over everything, just held us hostage. Anytime we tried to talk to him about anything, he just he just had this explosive rage. And I went into the devalue stage pretty quickly. And um, you know, so here I am just basically paying the rent while he does whatever he wants, and he's working late at night and he's out doing God knows what. And I'm basically raising his kids. He had this job where he called himself an advocate. He basically was gaining the trust of vulnerable people and then screwing them over. Um, and I'll explain more about that once um uh later. But um anyway, so then COVID happens, and uh since I'm an ER nurse, um the hotels, since there were no tourism, were gracious enough to open their doors to doctors and nurses so that we wouldn't uh come home to our families and and you know possibly contaminate them. So I was basically living in a hotel for five months. And um that just gave him free reign to take over my whole place. And pretty soon after I got home, he had uh the the place was just it was just like a hoarder lived here. And uh I I was going through so much trauma at work that I just dissociated, you know what I mean? It was just like um, you know, when I was home, it was just gaslighting and I got to this place where he made me question everything so much that when I was at work, I was making these life-saving decisions for my patients all day long. But when I came home and I was around him, I couldn't make a decision to save my own life. And um the the cognitive dissonance was just I I couldn't even, I couldn't even, I couldn't think straight. And I I was just he had me in a spot where I was just begging for the morsels of attention that that he used to lavish on me so um he had started dabbling in drugs a little bit, but I couldn't even, I was so wrapped up with what was going on in work. We were basically living as as roommates, you know. He was gone all the time. I was gone at work, I came home, I slept, and you know, I I couldn't couldn't I didn't really have the capacity for anything else. He was never home when I wasn't here. And I would try to talk to him about it, and he wouldn't, he would just he had this explosive rage. And so I was scared to talk to him about anything. When he was home, I was scared of him, as were his children. So one morning uh I found him. I woke up and I found him sitting on the couch in the living room in his underwear talking to himself. Oh no, yeah, covered in like some sort of sort of sauce, like peanut sauce or something. What? Yeah, peanut sauce. Your peanut sauce so good you want to cover yourself in it. He was he was mumbling to himself, and I was like, what's what's going on? What's going on? And he was just he was not making sense. He was he was just kind of repeating what I said back to him. And so I was like, okay, what the fuck? So I cleaned him up and I put him to bed, and then I did something that I knew was the end of our relationship. I looked at his phone and I found a bunch of texts from his very young assistant, you know, romantic ones. And of course, I became upset. I went right back into the bedroom and I was yelling at him, you get up, get up, get out, blah, blah, blah. And um, I just, I just, I, and I kicked him out and he became enraged, he threatened me, he was violent with the children. Uh, and then he left. And he disappeared for a week. Left his children with me. Oh my gosh. Yeah, just left. And of course, we're calling him. Where are you? What's going on? And um finally he calls back and he laughs and says, Yeah, or he answered his children and he laughs at them and says, I don't have time for this, and hangs up on them. Oh no. And so finally he calls me back, and I'm just distraught because at this point I just think that he's cheated on me. You know, I don't, I don't, I have no idea of what everything else that I'm about to find out. So uh he's starting to talk to me about how he wants to have a relationship with us both, he wants to have a baby with her. He's just talking all this crazy talk. And I was like, okay, well, this this is okay, done. We're done here. So then his children decide that they are done. And they decide to sit me down and tell me what's really been going on this whole time. They told me that he's been pulling them out of school to file fake restraining orders on his um, so for his clients, he would uh file fake restraining orders on their behalf on their landlords because they were having some landlord tenant issues, and he figured out that if you file a restraining order on somebody, anybody can say anything about anyone and file it with the courts, and it's valid until you get a hearing. So you can go down to the courthouse, file a temporary restraining order, and it's it's valid, right? So you you serve it to that person and boom, you if it has a move out order, you have to move out of your own home, at least until that hearing to decide what's really going on. But anybody can claim anything. So he was he was getting these temporary restraining orders for his tenants so that their landlords would have to move out of their own buildings and not be able to live in them or even be anywhere near them. And he's he's using his children to do this? He's using his children to do this because he's saying, Oh, you know, he told them you'll get a better education with me than you will anywhere else.

SPEAKER_00 18:57

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_01 18:58

So were were were his children part of it? Like were they part of the restraining order?

SPEAKER_02 19:05

No, he was just helping them file. No, they their names weren't on it or anything, but they were minors, and he's probably gonna do this. Okay. Uh I was like, what? And they said, Jane, he's gonna do that to you. And I was like, holy shit. And uh they said, by the way, he's been physically and emotionally abusive to us our whole lives. He's been making us lie to you about everything. That that person that we lived with when we got kicked out of the first place where we lived, where you weren't allowed to come over, that was his girlfriend. And she kicked him out. He filed a restraining order against her with a move-out order, and it got rejected, and so he came to me, and he ended up doing the same thing to me. So after I kicked him out, I had this uh, so you know, I had this plan with my family, and they said, Look, he's dangerous. Make him think that he still has a chance with you because just be nice, be nice and make him think that he still has a chance, so he'll lay it on thick, he'll try to groom you again, and then when you just keep telling him, I need more time, I need more time, and he'll get bored and move on. And I thought, okay, you know, and I wanted to be careful because his kids still still living here with me. They lived here for like two months before they eventually went to go live with their mother. He never came back for them. And so it made me sick. But I met with him a couple of times at like a park, and he of course laid it on thick, oh, I love you so much, and uh, whatever it's gonna take to get you back, and how can we work through this? And and I was just like, I don't know, I need time, I need time, and just just not but but but not saying no, right? Ugh. So I I would listen to him and uh he would just try to try to say whatever you need, whatever you need, tell me how I can make this better, blah, blah, blah. Um and uh, you know, I I would just go, okay, you know, so I did that like maybe twice. And then he got impatient with me. And uh he called me up one day and said, Are you gonna take me back or not? And I said, No. And he said, fine. His whole demeanor changed, his voice changed, everything changed. He said, Fine, I'm gonna put down everything that I'm doing right now. I'm gonna focus all my energy on destroying you. I'm gonna have you in jail in two days. I'm gonna get your nursing license revoked, I'm gonna put you in jail, and I'm gonna take over your fucking apartment. And he hung up on me. Oh my god. Yeah. So I got an attorney and right after that, I was home one night, and he came over at like 10 o'clock at night, and uh I went out on my balcony and started filming him. And I called the police and I said, Uh, you know, I called the police, I told you never to bother me again. I'm calling my attorney, leave right now, and I'm filming the whole thing. And he's pacing, and he's got this briefcase in his hand, and he goes, I tried. To reason with you, Jane. I just wanted to talk, and you're not willing to talk to me, so you're gonna be out of the house. You know, and he's shaking his head and sighing and going, I didn't want to do it this way, Jane. I didn't want to do it this way, but you're making me, you're making me do this.

SPEAKER_00 22:40

Yeah, so it's terrifying.

Cheating Discovery And Kicking Him Out

SPEAKER_02 22:42

Yeah. So I was um, so I called the police and they came and he goes, Great, I'm glad you guys are here. And he had the restraining order with him. And I have my attorney on the phone, and uh she, you know, is telling me, Do you want me to come over? And I said, No, not yet. Let's see what happens. And so the police are looking at the the restraining order and they said, sir, this isn't valid. I don't know what it was missing, but thank God he hadn't filed it properly or whatever. Uh, they said, sir, this isn't valid. I think maybe because he had just filed it that day and it what it hadn't gone through yet. They were like, we can't serve her with this, and you're here at an unreasonable, unreasonable hour. You have to leave. And you can't serve her, by the way. You can't like, you know, we're not gonna serve her with this, and you can't serve her yourself, so you have to leave. And so they left, and he left, and he was back in five minutes with some other guy that I don't recognize, and they rang my doorbell again and I didn't answer. I called the police again. The same policeman came back. They were gone by the time they got here, but they said, you know, we'll we'll we'll just keep heavily patrolling the area tonight. Call us if it, you know, blah, blah, blah. So my attorney said she called me and said he has definitely filed a restraining order. So you need to be vigilant. You cannot let him serve you. You need to be in Frank. You can't leave your apartment when you're not working. When you do leave, you need an escort. You need to make sure that no one's around, you need to, you know, take a different way to work, do whatever you gotta do. So imagine how this is, you know, I'm just I'm under siege in my own home. Right. And so she says, I I'm I'm gonna file one against him. Okay, so, but it's gonna take a couple of days. I need you to be vigilant. This is right before New Year's Eve, 2020. Everything's on lockdown, you know, everything is the courts are backed up and nothing is done in person. It's just everything is a nightmare. Everything is a nightmare. And so I go to work on New Year's Eve day. And that morning, she had been all night, my lawyer, making this, you know, making the argument, making a statement. She emailed me the forms and she said, sign these before you go to work. I'm going down there first thing in the morning. So I signed and she said, Okay, I'll get back to you. So I go to work on New Year's Eve Day. Again, COVID. It's a nightmare. We're overstaffed. Sorry, we are understaffed, we're overwhelmed. I was gonna say that's new. Yeah, right? That's never happened. We're understaffed, we are overwhelmed. Halfway through my shift, I my phone started blowing up with notifications from my security cameras in my home. He had broken into my home. And so I had to leave my shift. I had to leave my coworkers, I had to leave my patients in the middle of a global crisis and rush home. And I have never driven so fast in my life.

SPEAKER_00 26:11

Right.

SPEAKER_02 26:12

All those years of watching Dukes of Hazard halfway home. And if this isn't divine intervention, I don't know what it is. Somebody was looking out for me that day. But halfway home, I'm on the phone with my attorney, and she says, Your restraining order just went through. It supersedes him. I'm texting it to you right now. Show this to the police when you get there. Yes, and get him arrested. So the police are there. I had to call 911 and say, you know, I'm not home, but it's gonna like you need to get there right now. So the cops got there and they're they're on the phone with me, and they're saying, they're telling me he's saying this is his apartment. He has a lease. So my lease is in my name, right? My name only. In fact, it says, you know, it says Jane Doe only in huge letters on it. No, no other tenants. And he so he had taken my lease and he had copied it. And he had he had edited it. Yeah. And that's what all of his clients with his landlord tenant issues. He was taking me the copies of their leases and changing it. So he had a he had a copy of the lease from my building that had his name on it, and they were saying, Well, he's it he's showing me the lease right now. This is his apartment. And I said, wait till I get there, don't let him touch anything. And so I got here, I showed them the restraining order, and they were, of course, like, he's got a restraining order too, and he's got the lease. And I was like, just get him out of my apartment, let me go into my apartment, and I will show you my lease, which I kept in a lockbox. And uh, so I showed them mine and I showed them the restraining order, which was dated that day, which says on it supersedes the one filed by Bozo. Even then they said, Well, he used to live here, I don't know, and they weren't going to arrest him. So, for reference, he busted a window to get into my apartment. He broke into, he broke in, he destroyed my security cameras, and he then called my father and started spouting off all this nonsense about, you know, I know I messed up, but I have a plan. I have a plan and I need I just need her to listen. I need her to listen because she's gonna be in a lot of trouble, and I want to help her. I want to help her. So and so my dad knew what was going on because I had called him too. So he's trying, he's just trying to keep him on the phone and say, you know, tell me your plan. Yeah. Trying to distract. And um and he hung up the phone before he ever told us his plan. But um so I showed them my lease, I showed them my restraining order, and they they waffled back and forth about about whether or not they were going to arrest him. There were like eight policemen here, one was female.

SPEAKER_03 29:16

Oh my gosh.

Kids Reveal Restraining Order Scam

SPEAKER_02 29:17

One was female, and I heard him in the hallway laughing and chatting with the other officers. Ha ha, yeah, women, blah, blah, blah. Oh, you know, ha ha. This is just well, you know, ha, you know, uh laughing and joking and just making making a joke out of the whole thing. My landlord happened to be in the hallway, and Bozo says to my landlord, Hey, um, I'm gonna need a set of keys to the front door downstairs because I live here now. My landlord was like, Who the fuck are you? You know, he was like, I don't know what's going on, but I'm out of here, and he just left. But um, so you know, he's he's just chumming it up with all these male officers in the hallway, and they were like, they were disagreeing on whether or not they were gonna even arrest him. And so they had to call their captain. And the captain was like, basically, like, you know, what are you guys doing? Of course, arrest this guy. So they did. They finally arrested him after, you know, hours of deliberation. And as they're leading him away, he's in handcuffs and he's shouting back over his shoulder, you're going down, Jane. I'm taking you down. I'm taking you down. I will end you, I will destroy you. As he's getting into, you know, they're taking him down the street.

SPEAKER_00 31:48

And they're questioning in the first place if they even ever should have arrested him.

unknown 31:52

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 31:53

This is crazy.

Threats Of Jail And License Loss

SPEAKER_02 31:54

Yeah. So while they were here, the the female cop uh said, um, you know, she was the one that was even really listening, her and her partner, to be fair, were were the only ones really hearing me. And I I texted them the restraining order and they they served him for me. Like, okay, you're you're not in violation of this restraining order, you're under arrest. Let's go. And so they served him, and I was granted a five-year restraining order, which unfortunately does not stop him from litigation. And this is a guy who works for a shady lawyer. So he's not a lawyer, but he likes to tell people that he is, which is illegal. He um so he knows all about this kind of which is how he knew all about how to do the move out orders and um the restraining orders and everything. And by the way, I I looked him up in the court system after I found out what he'd been doing, and I realized that he'd been doing to ever he'd been doing doing this to every ex-girlfriend for years before. Of course. Yeah. Yeah. And he did it after me. Uh, he did it to, you know, the the woman that he was cheating on me with. He went to live with her after I kicked him out. He did the same thing to her about a month before he tried it on me. So it was just, you know, it it's it's obvious what he's doing, but the courts keep allowing him to do it. So after I got the restraining order, he appealed it. He appealed, he tried to appeal the restraining order that he filed on on me, which was dismissed because he never showed up. Um, so it was dismissed. And um, and then he tried to he tried to appeal mine, and he said, um, after so when he broke into my apartment, he tried to argue that I purposely gave him COVID because when I came to save my own apartment, he said he she purposely gave me COVID and I was in the hospital and I almost died. And you know, so yeah, so there's all these documents of him being in the hospital with pneumonia, by the way. It was never COVID. Like I purposely got him sick, like after breaking into my apartment. So this gives you an idea of how fucking crazy he is. So he tried to appeal both restraining orders, mine and his. And then when that failed, he tried to take me to small claims court. Okay, so this is right after the appeals failed. So he files a small claims case saying that I hacked his uh peoplelooker.com account, which is a which is one of those sites where you can look people up, which he needs for his job, I guess, right? So he says, you know, she hacked my peoplelooker.com account and shut it down, which cost me$10,000 in job loss. I don't know how he's gonna prove that. So I look through my own records, my own financial records, and I realize that on the very day that he's claiming this happened, there's a fraudulent charge on my credit card for a PeopleLooker.com account. Oh my gosh. So I had shut it down, and um, so basically he's trying to sue me for the fact that he tried to hack my credit card and open up an account and it failed. So I counter sued. And whenever we got to court, there was a pro tem judge. And he's like, Nope, I want a real judge. So he got it continued, continued again and again and again. He got it continued like five times just to keep it going, you know. So finally, finally, our case got heard, and he goes off on this tangent. We're not even so we're there for the people.com thing, right? This is small claims court. And he, when we get there, the the clerk said or the bailiff says, Can you stand up and raise your right hand? Swear to tell the truth. Everybody stands up. We're sitting kind of we're sitting behind him. He stood up and gave a Nazi salute and said nothing. What? Yeah, and then when we sat down, this was still 2022, and the judge was elderly and he had just come back from a from a long sabbatical because he had long COVID. And so the bailiff came over and asked him to wear a mask. It's all quiet in the courtroom, and he looks at the he looks at the bailiff and says, Are you fucking kidding me? In the court, everybody just looked at him like, What? So he grudgingly, you know, takes the mask and dramatically puts it on. And then when it's our turn to be heard, he starts going off on this tangent that has nothing to do with why we're there. He starts saying, Her father is stalking me and he's trying to kill me, and he's a police officer, and he's covered up murders in the past, and the police help him do it, and I'm in danger. I've been living in a safe house ever since she kicked me out, ever since she beat me up. You know, he tries to claim that I beat him up, and that that I'm the aggressor, right? That's been his claim the whole time that I'm the aggressor. He's the victim, right? He's always the victim. Nothing is ever his fault. I'm sure that sounds familiar to all you listeners out there. And so, yeah, he's always always the victim and never takes accountability for anything. Um, so they had to call in three extra bailiffs because he was getting so agitated, and we had to stand on opposite corners of the room with three bailiffs in between us because they were so concerned for my safety. Oh my gosh. And then finally they were like, Okay, we've heard enough, and you know, you guys can go now. And they made me stay in the courtroom until he was out of the building, and you know, they had a bailiff follow him until he was out of the building, and then they let me leave. And uh, so it just gets crazier. And then so I won that one. And then two months later, two years to the day after I kicked him out. So two years is the statute of limitations on like bodily harm, like battery, that kind of thing. So he waited two years to the day, and then he filed a civil suit against me. Again, claiming that I'd beat him into unconsciousness, that I put him in the hospital, that I destroyed his property, that you know, on and on. Unlimited amount claim, like an unlimited amount of money. And um he filed that with the courts. What was his proof? Uh nothing. So he filed it, and the only way that I found out about it was I got a letter from some ambulance chasing law firm saying, hey, we notice this person is suing you. Here's the case number. We can help give us a call for a fee. And I was like, Are you fucking kidding me? This was 2022. So I looked it up on the court's website, it was indeed there. So in my state, you don't have to answer unless you're served. It doesn't matter if you know about the case, you don't have to answer unless you're served. So um I was never served. But there's every few months there's a hearing. And so every few months I'm I'm looking at the court's website, and I've never been served, so I don't show up, right? But I'm looking at the court's website, and somehow he is getting it continued every time. Telling the judge, I don't know what, you know, I can't serve her, she's evading service, whatever, saying whatever to get it continued, right? This goes on for three years. This is crazy. Yeah. So October of 2025, there is a hearing, and it says, you know, and I look at what the what the um judgment says, and it it says, look, you need to provide proof of service, otherwise we're we're throwing this out. We're throwing this out. We're we're dismissing it. So on that day, he filed a fake proof of service. Yeah. And he said that he had served me. So the hearing was in October. He said, Oh, I served her in July. So now it looks like he served me months ago and I didn't show up for court. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 40:46

So, of course, don't you have to have some sort of like hard proof to prove that you served? Either you use like a third-party agency that can prove it or a signature or something.

Police Response And Invalid Service

Break In, Fake Lease, And Arrest

SPEAKER_02 40:59

Yeah, so it's so this person who he claims served me says that he served me at my home on a day that I did have off from work, but I was not home. And I can prove that I wasn't home. Thank God. But he knows what my days off are. So how does he know that, right? So this person says that he served me at my home at this day, at this time. And there's a signature. Well, the whole thing is written in Bozo's handwriting, which is obvious to me right off the bat. So I hired a private investigator, and the PI looked into it. He went to the address that he gave. These people were like, what the fuck is going on? I don't know this person. I don't know Bozo the clown. I don't know this person who says he served this person, I don't know who that is. I don't know, like, and they were freaked out that this, you know, what is what is this about? I've lived here for years, I don't know. And he looked, he up the history of the phone number. There was, you know, there was nothing there. It was was like nothing to do with with this this person does not exist. And again, I can prove that I wasn't even home. So I contacted a lawyer and she was like, Look, we can put in a motion to quash the service, which means we can prove that the service wasn't valid, and then it won't be it, it'll get canceled. She says, But look, if you do that, it just leaves him open to keep doing this over and over again. And she goes, I'm looking at the at the sequence of events. He's not even concerned about winning, he just wants to continue this for as long as possible and torture you. It's all about torturing you and costing you money. So you're innocent, he's got no proof. Let's call him on it. Let's just answer the complaint. And I know it sucks and I know it's not fair, but this is our best course of action to cost you the least amount of money and me the least amount of time. So I said, okay, let's do it. And so we did. And of course, he filed nothing, no answer. And then there was a hearing where she showed up. I did not, my lawyer. And he showed up and was like, Oh, I didn't even know she answered the what's going on, what's happening? I didn't even know. Like, nobody notified me of anything. And you know, basically they said, sir, your address isn't valid. You need to give us a valid address, or you need to consent to electronic service. And he was like, Nope. So now the hearing is in 2028. What? Yep. They are that backed up from all the cases during COVID. And I also have to renew my restraining order right now. So there was a hearing for that, and he showed up remotely and said, Oh, I'm not ready, I'm not ready, and got it continued again. So now we have to go to court again. So it's just all about I want to torture this person, I want to cost her the most amount of money as possible, and I want to have, I want to be on her mind forever. I don't want her to forget me and I want to punish her for how dare she reject me, how dare she kick me out of her home for cheating on her? How dare she call me on my abuse? How dare you do this to me. And I know that he blames me for his children not speaking to him anymore either, because for them this was the last straw, you know, not just me per se, but the way that he just abandoned them when I kicked him out, and they just he told them that he didn't have time for them, hung up on them, and they were like, We are sick of this. You know, he would do things like with his explosive, he would he would grab them by the neck, he would throw them on the ground, call them stupid, but never the face, right? Jane can't know. Jane can't know. And if she's a mandated reporter because she's a nurse and we'll be out of a place to live, you can't tell her. So that was happening under my roof, and I had no idea. I thought of a good example of like the gaslighting and abuse that was happening while before everything blew up. There was one night that I there was one time that I, you know, I never when I was begging for his for his time and his attention and his love. I had signed us up for this fun activity that was kind of expensive, and but we hadn't been able to spend any time together, and I was really excited about it, and I did it weeks in advance. I was, you know, put this on your calendar, make sure you don't schedule anything. Um, we were gonna have this whole day planned, and I was really excited about it. And then the night before, he doesn't come home and he doesn't answer his phone when I call or text, he's just out all night. And of course, I'm up all night worrying about him, and he comes home in the morning. Oh my god, this happened, that's happened, that happened. He tries to give this whole story about how God, what was it even? It was so out there. He was like, I was with one of my clients who happened to be a 25-year-old woman. I was with one of my clients, and we were at this function, yeah, and I I took a hit of this thing and it was laced with something, and I was so scared, I was so scared, and I couldn't, I couldn't think, I couldn't talk, I could blah blah blah. So I stayed with her and she took care of me. And I was like, wait, what the fuck? You know, and of course I am livid as anybody would be. But he just starts gaslighting, and he had this way of turning it around. And because I'm a nurse, and because I'm an empathetic person, and because he had warned us all down not to question him about anything, and to question our own just question our own thoughts and our own opinions about anything. He screamed at me what a horrible person I was for not being more concerned about him. And he, you're more concerned about spending the money for this for this thing than you are about m my safety. How could you? I thought you loved me, you know, that kind of shit. Uh and yeah, and I was just I was bawling at this point. I was just like, I I didn't know what to say, I didn't know what was real, I didn't know. And he's he he is punishing me for a normal reaction to gaslighting abuse, which is so common with people like him. I'm the victim here. How can you be mad at me, even though I just did this horrible thing to you, and I was just doing whatever the fuck I wanted, and you're the one that's gonna pay for it, and you're the and at the end of it all, he slapped his knees after I'm sitting there sobbing, and he slapped his knees and goes, Yep, you're the asshole. You're the asshole in this situation, with a big smirk on his face, and he had this inappropriate laughter. Anytime that I was scared or crying, he just had this inappropriate laughter that was so evil and just made me feel so much smaller, and how my feelings don't matter. Right in the beginning, there was a situation where I had come to him with something that happened at work, and I was really upset about it. I was crying, and I was just, you know, I had no one else to talk to at that point. This was at the beginning of the relationship. Sorry, I'm kind of going out of order here, but I'm kind of remembering things as they come up. Yeah. Um I I needed somebody to talk to, and I did at that point, I still had I didn't really know a lot of people, not anybody that I could come to when I was upset. And um, I'm crying, I'm like, this traumatic thing happened at work and it was really sad. And and he responded by forcing me to do a sexual act that I was not comfortable with. That was his response. And he lovebombed me afterwards and told me how the pain will help. The pain will make you feel alive and make you forget about how you I can't even remember how he put it. I was so traumatized by the whole thing. But then he would love bomb me afterwards and say, you know, I I just I'm sure you can imagine what he said. We've all been through it, all the all the I'm sorry's, and and I'll never do something that makes you feel uncomfortable again, and um, I respect you so much, and blah, blah, blah. And he would say, you know, you can tell me your deepest, darkest secrets. I just I want to know everything about you. I want to know everything. I want to know all your flaws because you're perfect like you are. And of course, he uses those against you. Thank God I didn't have any major skeletons in the closet to tell him about. But, you know, that was a tactic that he used to to like gain your trust. Like, I just I want to know everything about you because you're beautiful and I I uh I love you no matter what, no matter what you've done. Yeah. Uh so um that that is where I'm at. And just this last week, he showed up on one of his children's doorstep after they had cut him off and had not spoken to him in six years. And he showed up on their doorstep with a subpoena to testify against me in court. What? They weren't served with it, they weren't served with it, and in fact, it backfired on him because that child then served him with a restraining order. So now he's got another restraining order against him. Uh but uh so and he was he was saying all this crazy stuff, you know, looking into their security cameras and smiling and waving, saying, Call your dad, call your dad, you need to know the truth. You need to know the truth about James. And then even as he's leaving, as he's got the restraining order, the sheriff is there saying, Sir, you are now in violation of a restraining order, you have to leave. And he's saying over his shoulder, you could have done this the easy way, now you're gonna do this the hard way. Now you're gonna do it the hard way. So now that yeah you know it's just even as he's hot, he just keeps making these threats to keep to keep you wondering what's he gonna do, what's he gonna do? Because it could be anything. And he could keep this going forever, and the courts just keep letting it happen. I tried to get him registered as a vexatious litigant, and the judge, even though he more than qualified, the judge said no. Why? She said no, even though he checked every box, she said, I'm not gonna allow it at this time. He needs to be able to defend himself. She didn't really give a reason, even though he qualified. I guess it's really hard to get. They don't grant it very often, even when people qualify. But it's just this whole process has been unbelievably frustrating because the courts keep letting this happen. And I don't feel comfortable going up against him not represented because he worked for a dirty lawyer for so long. And by the way, he's suing that lawyer now, so that unholy alliance hasn't floated on his office, which was a matter of time.

SPEAKER_01 52:43

How can he keep all of this straight? Do you know if he's doing this to anybody else actively at the same time? Oh, yeah. Oh, this is crazy.

SPEAKER_02 52:53

How does he keep them straight? Yeah, it just keeps going, and this is what he knows. This is this he knows how to do. My lawyer asked me, what does he do for a living? And I said, This. This is what he does the professional instigator. I don't know how he gets any money out of it. He's never won. He's never won one case, not one.

SPEAKER_01 53:19

Does he just does he represent himself when he does all of this? So he's not really losing.

SPEAKER_02 53:26

And he doesn't care about getting a judgment against him because he's not gonna pay it anyway. He doesn't give a shit. And he doesn't have he doesn't have a job where people can file a motion to garnish wages. Yeah, he just lives under the radar, and I don't know how he gets through life. You know, just recently he showed up at his kids, and I'm like, how does he have a car? How does he have gas money right now? You know, like how is he dressing himself? I don't know what he's doing for money because he doesn't work for that shady lawyer anymore. So how is he bringing in revenue? I don't know. It's a mystery.

SPEAKER_01 53:55

At first, when you started sharing your story, I thought of there's there was a Netflix documentary. I always talk about Netflix documentaries. I swear I do other things. So many good ones. There's one where it was like the Tinder swindler, and this was over in Europe, but one of the women that had gotten taken for a lot of money, I think it was like hundreds of thousands of dollars, and she's come over to the US and she's been working with a private investigator, and they go to different victims. Have you do you know what I'm talking about?

SPEAKER_02 54:28

And then I do, I do, and I was everybody said, Oh, you need to watch that. And I said, It's too close to home.

Appeals, Small Claims, And Courtroom Chaos

SPEAKER_01 54:35

I can't yeah, it sounds very similar. The only difference is he's not being blatantly obvious about trying to get money from you, but it it sounds it's very similar, very similar.

SPEAKER_02 54:49

Yes, he did he's not, I mean, he's suing me for an unlimited amount of money, which I've pretty sure he knows he's not gonna get. But uh, the whole point is to keep me him on my mind, to scare me, and to continue this for as long as possible. And if he's not gonna get my money, then my bank account is still gonna be drained in legal fees.

SPEAKER_01 55:12

Right. And that's and this is the definition of legal abuse for people who don't understand what legal abuse is. It's using the legal system as another form of abuse because, like you said, he's not going to gain anything from this other than the satisfaction of he has some sort of control over the situation and keeping you in litigation, and like you said, keeping your finances drained because of the need for representation. And it's it's disgusting. And and I'm sorry, I might be going off on a tangent here, but this is what also pisses me off when people say, why don't they just leave? Because this is what happened, this is what can happen when you just leave. And you tried to leave and it took a very long time. I mean, this dude was breaking into your apartment, serving you with false documents. This is what happens. Abusers abuse because they abuse. And then when whatever tactics they were using before don't work, they switch it up to something else that will work. I will say when I was in my 20s, I for sure was one of those women that said, I would never find myself in a relationship and in an abusive relationship. But in my mind at that time, it was only physical. The minute a man lays a hand on me, I'm out. Well, yes, if a man came up to me and punched me in the face, I wouldn't stick around. But that's not what they do. There is, like you were talking about, the love bombing, and then there's the flipping back and forth. And you know this person you fell in love with, and then they do something bad, and you think, What am I doing? But then that that person that came that you fell in love with, all of a sudden they're back and they're apologetic.

SPEAKER_02 56:54

The the dangling carrot, the begging breadcrumbs, and then making you feel like everything is your fault. Yes, struggling to figure out what you did wrong, and just constantly, I was constantly questioning myself, constantly. Constantly.

SPEAKER_01 57:11

It was terrible. Yeah, I found myself trying to figure out all the time what do I need to change to get us back to what we used to be? What do I need to change?

SPEAKER_02 57:22

Right, taking the responsibility. What do I need to change? Why is it why is it me that needs to change something? What about what are they doing? That's right. That's right. Yeah, they're the ones not trying. I'm trying. Yeah, yeah. He used to say things like, you know, whenever you're home, the kids don't want to, they they hide in their room and they don't want to come out here. They're afraid of you. They're afraid of you. Why is that? What's going on? And I was like, what do you mean they're afraid of me? You're never here, and we hang out when you're not here. I'm the one. What the fuck are you trying to tell me? And he would steal cash from me and try to try to create this this you know, uh, this antagonism, this um, you know, this distrust, and um, you know, it didn't, it didn't really work, but he he chipped at it quite a bit trying to get and God knows what he told them to do the same. And it's just it's death by a thousand cuts. You know, just all these little things. It's not uh until that one big explosion of when I kicked him out, it was just it wasn't any one thing. It was all these little things that added up to why do I feel so terrible? Why do I why do I feel so sad and so depressed all the time and so confused and so anxious? And and then you're not getting an answer from them. The answer is it's your fault. And so you're you're spending trying to fix it and there's nothing to finish.

SPEAKER_01 58:46

Right. And then the thing is, I I took a note here, or I took a few notes, but being scared, and that's one thing that I think a lot of people don't understand either, is because a lot of times these people are not physically abusive right away, or even at all, but you can still develop this fear of them, and it's hard to explain why you are afraid because they haven't done anything to you physically, but there is that fear of there's going to be some sort of a repercussion. Is it getting my God? I felt like I got yelled at like I was a kid so many times. I felt like I was like, I feel like I'm a teenager that just got caught sneaking out or something, and now I'm in trouble. And it was just that fear. And then I would sit and think, I'm like, but I'm an adult. Why am I feeling this way?

Fake Service, Endless Delays, And Vexatious Litigation

SPEAKER_02 59:38

And that's the thing that needs to be talked about. That and and I I will never say emotional abuse is so much worse than physical because the every form of abuse is terrible, no matter what it is. But emotional abuse is not talked about enough in just how scarring it is and how deep it goes, and how how it can affect you for years, until you work through it, it will affect you forever, and it will affect the decisions that you make forever. It will affect it, it will affect the the people that you pick to be in your life forever, and until you you realize that you will keep picking the same partners, and it will the cycle will continue. God, the emotional scars are just it took me so long to realize and it was it. I took it took a lot of therapy. It took a lot of therapy to unravel this. And I just like one day it just I just saw everything in a different light and went, huh? Wow, I don't I don't have to carry this burden anymore. Wow, this is amazing. And um, you know, because I just I felt so guilty for so long. I I felt so scared for so long. I was I was afraid to be with anyone, I was afraid to um I I just I was afraid of everything and everybody and I was afraid of myself. I didn't trust myself for the longest time. And when you're constantly in litigation with somebody who's trying to vilify you and get your nursing license taken away and your home taken away, it's really hard to convince yourself that you're not a bad person.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:36

Yeah. And with the emotional scars, like what you were saying, versus physical, I don't know that there is physical abuse that ever happens without there being some sort of emotional abuse that happened before it got to there.

unknown 1:01:51

Of course.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:52

Because and so that's right. You can go get your broken arm taken care of and get that set and still not really fully grasp the immense pain and damage that you suffered because of the emotional abuse. And a lot of people don't even realize it until something triggers them. They can go about their lives thinking, I got out, I'm fine, and then all of a sudden they're curled up in the fetal position, shaking, wondering what is happening and why am I reacting this way? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:27

I had to take a sabbatical from work. I couldn't leave my apartment. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I got down to 89 pounds. I wouldn't open the shades of my apartment. Every time my doorbell rang, I'd be underneath my coffee table, turn off all the lights and hide. It was it was really bad. And it was in the middle of COVID, so nobody could come for me. Nobody could come be with me. I mean, I had I had support on the phone. So I'm lucky enough to have an amazing family, an amazing friend base. Um, you know, thank God I had that, but only on the phone. Nobody could be here with me physically. And if he came for me, there was nobody here to help me. That was very scary. Very scary. Yeah, that's terrifying. That was a deep well to climb out of. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:21

And speaking of fear, are these lethality or these danger assessments that professionals can conduct to determine a victim's level of danger from their abuser? But really, it all boils down to what is the victim feeling? If you feel you're in danger, you're in danger because nobody knows that abuser better than a victim. So I think that any kind of reaction that somebody may have, if somebody is going out there saying, I think this person's going to hurt me even years later, I think it's legitimate. I think that person should be taken seriously and their fears should be taken seriously. And everyone in that person's circle should do whatever they can to help protect them.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:12

Yeah, agreed.

SPEAKER_01 1:04:14

It's awful and it's not fair. I mean, the and I hate that that's ever even the thing that is said, but it's not fair because you don't choose, you don't choose this person to be in a relationship with. And then this monster showed up instead. And all of us dealt with the abuse while we were in the relationships. We got out. All we want to do is just live our lives after we get out. And the aftermath can be just as damaging. The ongoing potential litigation, the financial abuse that can happen. There's parental alienation, stalking, the freaking cost of therapy for the emotional trauma, medical bills, missed work, all of these things. And all you can say is it's not fair.

unknown 1:05:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:11

And it hurts, it hurts to say that.

Trauma Recovery, Danger Assessments, And Closing

SPEAKER_02 1:05:13

It hurts to say that because I felt like I felt like nobody was listening for so long. You know, the the courts weren't listening yet. Uh, the the you know, police weren't listening because they were understaffed and overwhelmed, just like we were, just like everybody was. And so if this had happened at any other time in history when there wasn't a pandemic going on, things might have been different. But unfortunately, this is what we're dealing with, and we just have to keep talking about it and bringing it back to the attention of the courts and the law that emotional abuse is just as damaging as the physical, and people don't feel safe for a reason, and they should be protected.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:02

Yes, absolutely. Okay, Jane, my God, this journey that you've taken us all on has been wild. I am so appreciative that you shared it, though, because this your story really sheds a light on the realities of what's happening around the world, that so many people, and you know, God bless the people that have no idea that this is very shocking to them and they're surprised because I'm so happy for whoever's listening that is really shocked by the story. I'm so happy for you that this is something that you never could have dreamed. But for the the majority of us, and it is, I think the majority of us, not just listening to this podcast, but the majority of the people in the world have some semblance of an understanding of what you've been through. And I know all of us are out there cheering you on, cheering each other on, because we can get through this because these fuckers don't get to win. And we more we talk, I think the more it helps release shame that maybe somebody else is harboring. It releases your own shame because none of us should be ashamed. None of us, not a single one of us, should own any amount of shame by anything that these guys have done. And and I say guys, I mean girls, guys, whomever is abusing. And the more we hear, the more we realize that we're not alone, the more somebody else might have the courage to come out and tell their story. And the more stories that are heard, the more laws can get changed, the more education can get pushed for the people who are making these decisions for us. Holy shit, those freaking cops should have some massive education on domestic violence, abuse, all of that. That's just asinine that that even happened to everybody needs more education. And see, I told you I'd go on a tangent. But I am so grateful for you doing this. I really, really truly am.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:12

Thank you. I'm really grateful for to you for having me. And um yeah, I just want to reiterate to everyone out there, you are not alone. And I guarantee you, once you start talking about it, you're gonna know a lot of people around you that have been through something like this or know somebody who have been through something like this. People don't just talk about it. So don't be afraid to talk about it because we all need each other. We are all interconnected and we can't let this alienate us. So right. We've been isolated enough. Exactly. Bring back our interdependence.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:48

That's right. Is there anything else that you wanted to say, or you feel you feel good about it?

SPEAKER_02 1:08:55

I I uh I I think so. I think that's that that was a lot. It's uh it's just all kind of oof, it just all kind of came back to me at once there, but um I didn't stumble through that too clumsily.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:09

I don't think so. Okay, good. I don't think so. Okay. Well, Jane, thank you so so much. Thank you, Ingrid. It's been a pleasure and it's been an honor. Same. Thank you again, Jane, for joining me today, and thank you, warriors, for listening. I will be back with another episode for you next week. Until then, stay strong. And wherever you are in your journey, always remember you are not alone. Find more information, register as a guest, or leave a review by going to the website onein3podcast.com. That's the number one the number three podcast.com. Follow one in three on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at one and three podcast. To help me out, please remember to rate review and subscribe. One and three is a point five Pinoy production. Music written and performed by Tim Crow.