Sept. 23, 2025
Red Flags and Reality: Escaping Domestic Violence with Tiffiny Newton I Ep. 87
What does domestic violence really look like behind closed doors? In this raw, unfiltered conversation, host Ingrid sits down with fellow survivor Tiffiny Newton for a candid exploration of abuse dynamics that goes far beyond what most people understand.
Together, they unpack the subtle warning signs that precede full-blown abuse – the love bombing, future faking, and gradual escalation of control that can feel deceptively like love. "It's the green screen of relationships," Tiffiny explains, describing how abusers create an illusion before revealing their true nature. Their discussion reveals how technology has become a powerful tool for abusers, with surveillance cameras, GPS tracking, and digital monitoring creating virtual prisons.
The most chilling revelations come when they discuss how abusers weaponize vulnerabilities. Those personal insecurities and past traumas shared in intimate moments? They become ammunition for devastating psychological attacks later. Both women describe living in constant fight-or-flight mode, where even "good times" become torture because of the anxiety about when the next explosion might occur.
Perhaps most valuable is their practical wisdom about escape. From creating code words with trusted friends to secretly moving belongings to storage units, they offer survival strategies for the most dangerous phase of abuse – when a victim decides to leave. "Focus on what the next 48 hours looks like," Tiffiny advises, breaking down overwhelming fear into manageable steps.
As Domestic Violence Awareness Month approaches, this episode serves as both a wake-up call and a lifeline. Whether you're questioning your own relationship, supporting someone you love, or simply want to understand this pervasive issue better, you'll gain insights that could save lives. Remember Tiffiny's powerful closing message: "You are not ever supposed to be in a position where you feel less than who you really are."
Tiffiny's Links:
https://www.1in3podcast.com/guests/tiffiny-newton/
1 in 3 is intended for mature audiences. Episodes contain explicit content and may be triggering to some.
If you are in the United States and need help right now, call the national domestic violence hotline at 800-799-7233 or text the word “start” to 88788.
Contact 1 in 3:
- Send your emails to 1in3podcast@gmail.com
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Thank you for listening!
Cover art by Laura Swift Dahlke
Music by Tim Crowe
00:46 - Welcome to a Different Conversation
04:48 - The Many Faces of Abuse
14:51 - Red Flags and Love Bombing
24:25 - Control Tactics and Surveillance
33:58 - The Struggle to Leave
43:44 - After Escape: Healing and Memory
54:54 - Building Safety Plans and Resources
01:02:02 - Closing Thoughts and Empowerment
WEBVTT
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Hi warriors, welcome to one in three.
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I'm your host, ingrid.
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Today's episode is going to be a little bit different.
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I'm joined by fellow survivor, tiffany Newton, for a casual conversation on red flags and the realities of domestic violence.
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As we are about to head into domestic violence awareness month, I really want you to listen, for any insights or parallels you may connect with your own experiences.
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So grab a cup of coffee, get comfortable and join Tiffany and I in this conversation.
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Hi Tiffany, thank you so much for joining me today.
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How are you doing?
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Good.
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Thanks so much for having me.
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I'm excited.
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So am I.
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Before we get into our just general conversation, could you give a background, just so listeners can get to know you a little bit?
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Sure, the main reason we are talking is because of the domestic violence background that I have in my abusive situation.
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After escaping I was too full of shame and guilt to really talk about it, so I stayed very internalized which is not healthy, by the way very internalized and slowly reaching out to people who got isolated, who I got isolated from.
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And as I started sharing my story, other people started sharing their stories and little do you know that most people you come into contact with have had some type of abuse, whether it is verbal, coercive control, gaslighting, whatever the level, all the way up to physical in the hospital type scenarios.
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So in going through that, I started a nonprofit.
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I would love to do a shelter, but that takes a lot of time and a lot of money.
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So I started with self-defense teaching women and bringing in certified instructors to specific workshops that we set up and teaching them self-defense tactics and, you know, questions from law enforcement, questions from mental health counselors to like really find all the answers in one place rather than having to search on the internet or search on your phone, because I was being tracked on both of those devices.
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And then from there I wrote a book.
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From there I wrote a book and the book isn't necessarily geared towards victims who are currently in the situation, and here's why Is you probably aren't allowed to buy a book like this.
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If it arrived on your doorstep and your abuser saw it, he would toss it out.
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So the book is actually geared towards family and friends of loved ones who are in situations.
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So it's more of a guide on how to approach people and have that discussion and keep yourself as the safe person to talk to, so you don't get isolated from the victim.
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And then my story is actually woven in as examples.
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So it's not about the book, is not about me.
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It is about helping someone and then giving real life examples everything.
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And you know, I'm a healthcare professional, so I know I have some of the training to recognize domestic violence.
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There's so many people I could have reached out to.
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I have amazing family, amazing friends, but I kept it all internalized.
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And then when I got out, I did the same thing.
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I started talking with some friends and it was, you know, not to use the hashtag but it was like, oh, me too, and me too, and me too, and I have a very close-knit group of four women that I'm friends with locally that all four of us have been in some sort of an abusive relationship.
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So it is incredible to hear all the commonalities among people that you know and it's you know.
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They have no idea about you and you have no idea about them.
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Everybody thought we each had these amazing lives.
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Yeah, unless you end up in the hospital because of it.
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Most people don't know the other stuff that is considered abuse, because we all are taught abuse is the physical side, right, and that's the first thing of if you say you were abused oh where did you get hit?
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Like that's the first thing most people go to, but that isn't the most common.
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Right and that's the easily provable point too is all that stuff that happens behind the closed doors, where you're reluctant to say anything, because how do you even prove that's happening?
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Yeah, florida is a two consent state for recording, so it's not like you can even record them and then bring that to court.
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Right.
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I mean, that is a friend of mine actually was in that specific scenario, like they had the attorneys that she's like.
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This is what I have and it is on record.
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And they do have, thankfully, one witness that watched it happen.
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So it isn't just the video, because he didn't consent to get getting videotaped.
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They do have backup eyewitness.
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But yeah, I mean, how do you go against something like that if it's not seen, it's hard to prove that it's not he said she said or it does become he said she said.
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Well, and then, even if you say that, whatever situation escalates enough to call the police, but there's no physical outward appearances by the time the police show up, you have an abuser who a lot of times has some sort of a personality disorder where they can turn it off and turn into this most charming individual because they have zero accountability.
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And then you have a victim who's just been abused and freaking out and they look like they're potentially the crazy one.
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And then it's.
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You know this?
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Oh, I say this happened to me and it was awful, it was awful.
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And then you have the abuser, like I don't know what he or she are talking about.
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Yeah, they're crazy.
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Like look, this is what I have to deal with on the daily and such a stark example like that.
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If you watch the Gabby Petito story on Netflix, prime example, brian Landry is sitting back there shooting the crap with the cops and she's like losing it.
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I don't know, it's my fault.
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Like I don't know, I probably did.
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Until that gets recognized that behavior difference it's always going to be a problem to recognize.
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In those scenarios, when a cop shows up, the calm one is probably the abuser.
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You're absolutely right, and that's the exact example that I thought of when I saw that it took me.
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I can remember there was one particular time not a current position that I have but it was like you are going to have to do this or you're going to have to do this, and meanwhile I'm thinking of my abuser, who's going to flip out about this, and I'm like you have no idea.
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You have no idea what this is going to do to me and I'm looking completely nuts because this is so out of context.
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Do to me, and I'm looking completely nuts because this is so out of context and I'm sure they were like holy shit, we need to let this girl go.
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She's a loose cannon.
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But it was just that accumulation of everything just flooding out.
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Yeah, it's interesting because I mean the abuser will make you late for work, you'll get passed up for promotions.
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Getting promotions, you know it impacts your ability to fend for yourself.
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In the grand scheme of things, it's.
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It's so sad.
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Oh, definitely.
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Do you want to speak a little bit about your personal experience?
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personal experience.
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Sure, I mean I.
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One of the biggest things that I'm such an advocate for is recognizing red flags, because that's the gateway and if you ignore those first red flags, you're already in the bucket of trauma bonding because they're going, they know they're red flags, they're enjoying you ignoring the red flags and they're already sucking you in.
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So my biggest thing is I met my abuser at a dog park.
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So the fact that he loved animals, that he was into fitness, like he ate healthy, Like I, was like, oh my goodness, where have you been?
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Like this, is amazing.
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We have such and such in common.
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Now I'm a firm believer you don't need to have everything in common.
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That becomes boring.
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You need your time apart, you need your own hobbies.
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But I had been so different with people that I had dated that it was nice and comforting to find the commonalities right, Even if it was just a few.
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But with him, because of mirroring, it became quite a lot right, and so I ignored many of the red flags in the beginning.
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The future faking, the love bombing that you know.
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Let's go down to Miami for the weekend.
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Literally, we started dating like the month before.
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Let's go to Miami for the weekend.
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Here's a bracelet.
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You know, help me pick out tile for the new place, because you'll be spending a bunch of time there.
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Like all of these things, like painting the pretty picture of our future and making you feel like it is love, but it's all fake.
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It is like the green screen of relationships.
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I love that.
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I've never heard that before.
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But it's a mask.
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It's fake and they're just standing in front of it or behind it.
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You know, like the mask that they're wearing, but they are okay with lying to you and coercing you into believing their way.
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They'll eat healthier for a while with you.
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They will go to the gym, but they'll give you guilt about going to the gym or what you're wearing to the gym like the little.
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Let's go do this, but knock you down a peg right so all of those little tiny things and then the rules become more intense and the consequences become more intense.
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Like it just becomes this snowball effect or avalanche effect by the end of it of if you're not doing this, some severe stuff is going to happen.
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Like the threats are, even if the actual threat isn't coming out of their mouth.
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Their body language is absolutely telling you the threat, backing you into corners, raising their voice, ripping stuff out of your hand while you're at work, throwing your stuff and breaking your stuff at home.
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That means a lot to you getting rid of things, giving stuff to goodwill that you've had for probably 20 plus years, and that means everything to you all gone.
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Those are the things that anything that meant anything, planting evidence also.
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They will plant evidence and grill you on it until you're like, well, I don't know.
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I don't know what to believe, until you just succumb and comply with whatever reality that they have painted for you.
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And that was that was.
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I mean, that was.
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Psychological torture is basically mean.
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I had to sleep with the lights on, and when I would go to turn them off, he'd come right back out and be like you're a guest here, you're going to sleep.
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How I tell you to sleep, oh my God.
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And by the time you wake up in the morning you're like that was just a bad dream, no way would anyone treat.
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And you just kind of compartmentalize it, you put it behind, because you wake up in the morning and he is acting like nothing ever happened, Like everything was lovey-dovey.
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Good morning, honey, you know, I love you, whatever let's go to the gym.
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Like all of a sudden you're like am I losing my mind?
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Was that like a nightmare that I had?
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What's going on, like that state of confusion alone is a red flag If you ever feel that it's time to escape.
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Oh, definitely.
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And sleep deprivation is a way, one of the means that they use to help control, because you I mean, when you're not getting enough sleep, it is difficult to understand what is reality, what is not reality.
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And just to be put on that constant edge of confusion is you're just at this heightened.
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You're always in that fight or flight, your adrenaline is always up and you know, the good times eventually, for me, ended up being worse than the bad times, because the good times it was what's going to happen.
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I mean, I remember telling him at one point I wish you were just an asshole all the time, so I knew what to expect every day.
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Yeah, oh, such an uncomfortable feeling constant state of anxiousness, I guess is the feeling where your cortisol levels are crazy high because you're just you're bracing for what's next.
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Like that it's you're going up the roller coaster, but with a roller coaster you know the dip is at the end.
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You just don't know in the relationship when it's going to happen.
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Right, exactly, and so another thing that you brought up is a lot of times people don't understand that physical abuse doesn't have to be a punch or a broken bone or anything.
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Posturing just even standing next to you to make you feel like you're intimidated is physical abuse, and throwing things for sure is physical abuse.
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Yeah, I mean, it's just.
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I mean I'm 5'4", 125 pounds.
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He was 6'2", 250.
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Double my size.
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But he would back me into a corner, back me against the fridge, back me up against a wall and scream in my face like this, close to my face.
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Well, and then they do things like that to push you into like a reactive abuse.
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So then you have no choice but to lash out or defend yourself.
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And I mean, it happened to me a few times where I started yelling and it was almost like an out of body experience where I'm watching it happen and I'm like what are you doing?
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This isn't you, but it was just, I couldn't control it.
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And then they stand back and look at you and not even think.
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They say it out loud like, oh my gosh, you're crazy.
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Luckily for me it didn't come to this, but some people have been videotaped, you know.
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Right here, Right here.
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Yeah, it was at the very end, actually, was it?
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Yeah, this was the very last time that I actually moved out.
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I was naked, except for underwear, and he had just come back from a trip and he said you know why are you using LinkedIn to date people?
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I'm like I'm not using LinkedIn for anything other than it's a resume site for me, like that's you connections with, you know past people you've worked with or networked with within that business, and he's like that's a lie.
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And he pulls up this guy who asked me out on a date seven years ago, before I even met him, like seven years ago, and I'm like that was a bazillion years ago.
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You can see I shut it down, you can see my response, but he was using it to date.
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He would meet someone on Match, follow him on LinkedIn and send the messages on LinkedIn.
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So I found that out and I confronted him about it, even though it was before.
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You know we met, whatever, but so was that's what he was coming at me for.
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So he then goes in and starts deleting them to then make you know me pointing out proof it's not there anymore because he's deleting it.
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So now I am crazy, right?
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So I lose my shit and I I just was like like that, feeling like that.
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I felt like a little japanese anime character, like that's the best visual.
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I love it and I went like that and like flung my arms out to this side.
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Well, this side hit a glass picture that was hanging on the wall.
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That was not my intent.
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I had blood like dripping off my hand.
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He starts laughing and picks up his phone and starts videotaping me.
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I'm naked.
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I have blood dripping from my hand.
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Oh, my God.
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But he thought it was funny because of I'm crazy, it like literally it is he.
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I mean, he started installing the first condo that we lived in.
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He put a one camera and it was at basically at the front bar so you could see who came in to the front door and you could see, like who was in the hallway, in the living room, like it was kind of like angled, where you could kind of see the whole room.
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And then he left on a trip and all of a sudden there was a nanny cam in the bedroom and I didn't find out about it until the box literally fell from the shelf.
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It was an alarm clock nannycam, oh my God.
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And so as soon as I saw that, I'm like I have to protect myself.
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So I got a USB listening device.
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It looked like a thumb drive and the audio would kick on when someone started speaking.
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So that's how I found he out.
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He cheated on me, oh my god, after he kicked me out of the condo the first time, um, and then I got a um, it was a power bank that you can get and the power bank had a little pinhole camera.
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Oh, so I got that as well because, miraculously, when I would leave for work.
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The cameras weren't working, oh my God.
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And then we moved to the next condo and he installed a camera in the bedroom, the front door, like there were like four cameras and he would.
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When he was out of town, he would watch me sleep.
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I could see the red light come on and if the cameras were off when he was out of town it was like fix the cameras or you can move your shit out.
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Right now I'll call the cops and have them move you out of the place.
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Well, and there's no reason to have indoor cameras except for, I mean, if you have pets or something that you need to keep an eye on, or if you have children and you're concerned about.
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Like at the doors, point them at the door.
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Yeah, there's no reason to have it in your bedroom.
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Right, so I had to learn where those cameras were, cause that's how I ended up sneaking my stuff out prior to actually moving out, cause I had to put together a plan, right?
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I?
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Left four times before the final fifth time, and so I started saying I was giving stuff to Goodwill and so I would roll stuff out into my car and drop it off at the storage unit.
00:20:42.721 --> 00:20:43.082
Wow.
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So what happened?
00:20:44.903 --> 00:21:02.317
Because you know the statistics are on average, somebody takes seven times to leave before they officially leave, and I just want to point out that if you're on time number nine, that doesn't mean that you're hopeless and you've already extended your chances.
00:21:02.880 --> 00:21:04.728
You just need the right safety plan to get out.
00:21:05.559 --> 00:21:05.881
Right.
00:21:05.881 --> 00:21:08.830
So what happened the first few times when you left?
00:21:10.080 --> 00:21:14.815
The first time I left was we had a really dumb fight.
00:21:14.815 --> 00:21:27.144
That's when he took my keys and kicked me out and I left the first listening device behind, just because of some weird things that happened prior, and that's a whole other part of the story.
00:21:27.144 --> 00:21:37.691
But I left and he called me when I got to the hotel and he was like you know, are you, are you sure you don't want to come here and give me a blow job?
00:21:37.691 --> 00:21:40.092
I mean that would just fix everything.
00:21:40.092 --> 00:21:41.894
You know it would put us in a better place.
00:21:41.894 --> 00:21:42.513
Blah, blah, blah.
00:21:42.513 --> 00:21:48.817
And I'm like no, I'm, I'm tired, I've been crying, I'm not coming there tonight.
00:21:49.461 --> 00:21:50.988
And that's when he had someone come over.
00:21:50.988 --> 00:22:07.008
He was just confirming that I wasn't going to come over, but I didn't know that until I got the USB and I went to work and I listened to what went on that night and then I confronted him about it and he was like we were broken up.
00:22:07.008 --> 00:22:09.065
That had nothing to do with you.
00:22:09.065 --> 00:22:12.265
We were broken up and he's like and how did you record this?
00:22:12.265 --> 00:22:14.170
I'm like my iPad.
00:22:14.170 --> 00:22:16.241
He's like get the iPad out of here before I break it.
00:22:16.241 --> 00:22:19.488
Which I lied right.
00:22:19.488 --> 00:22:24.782
I lied for my own safety on that one, because I had the recording on my phone.
00:22:24.782 --> 00:22:30.361
He pushed me down, threw me down and ripped the phone out of my hand and broke my phone.
00:22:30.381 --> 00:22:31.805
Oh, my God.
00:22:31.825 --> 00:22:33.588
Um, so I had to get a new phone.
00:22:33.588 --> 00:22:35.413
Um, so that was the first time.
00:22:35.413 --> 00:22:39.346
And why I went back after that, I don't know.
00:22:39.346 --> 00:22:44.340
Maybe it is his charm and the we were never, we weren't together.
00:22:44.340 --> 00:22:48.046
You can't technically say that I cheated on you, blah, blah, blah.
00:22:48.046 --> 00:22:52.530
Another time it was it's all.
00:22:52.530 --> 00:22:54.032
It was all been around fights.
00:22:54.032 --> 00:22:56.556
We would have a fight and I would.
00:22:56.556 --> 00:23:02.582
I would say you know, I'm done, I I need to leave this.
00:23:02.582 --> 00:23:03.182
This is very dangerous.
00:23:03.182 --> 00:23:06.670
One of the times I left during a hurricane because it was like I just couldn't take it anymore.
00:23:07.571 --> 00:23:14.688
Um, but he was just like you know, we belong together if it's just the two of us against the world.
00:23:14.688 --> 00:23:17.862
Like why do you have to put so much other shit in front of us?
00:23:17.862 --> 00:23:21.630
If you were to just put us first that, you would be fine.
00:23:21.630 --> 00:23:23.153
Like this would.
00:23:23.153 --> 00:23:32.122
And like again the future, faking the love, bombing, bombing the flowers arrive, the you know we're going to go to Paris for Christmas, like all of this stuff.
00:23:32.122 --> 00:23:38.993
Yeah, it just became a drug.
00:23:38.993 --> 00:23:40.336
It was a drug of chaos.
00:23:40.336 --> 00:23:42.400
Like they loop you into that.
00:23:43.445 --> 00:23:53.211
But once you see the light at the end of the tunnel, that plan, the safety plan, right, like I was exiting things out little by little.
00:23:53.211 --> 00:24:01.255
I had oh he knew I had the storage unit because some of his stuff was in there and some of his mom's stuff was in there.
00:24:01.255 --> 00:24:11.500
But he didn't realize I was shipping stuff to Amazon boxes, you know, like those Amazon lockers outside of like Lowe's and Target and 7-Elevens and whatever.
00:24:11.500 --> 00:24:18.357
I was shipping stuff there and taking those boxes and dropping them at the storage unit.
00:24:18.357 --> 00:24:20.753
So everything was on my way to and from work.
00:24:20.753 --> 00:24:24.635
So if it was a stop it was like two seconds.
00:24:24.635 --> 00:24:29.696
It never added 10 additional minutes because he was tracking my time as well.
00:24:31.846 --> 00:24:39.675
So once I had that plan in place, all I was waiting for is what is going to be the straw that broke the camel's back.
00:24:39.675 --> 00:24:42.509
What is that one thing that he's going to say?
00:24:42.509 --> 00:24:46.178
That is the line in the sand, like what does he have to do?
00:24:46.178 --> 00:24:52.057
And I was working from home on a Saturday.
00:24:52.057 --> 00:24:53.823
I had one hour left of work.
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