Feb. 17, 2026
Reproductive Coercion & Post-Separation Abuse: From Control to Courage with Lynn Stroud I Ep. 108
Reproductive coercion isn’t a misunderstanding — it’s abuse. In this episode of 1 in 3, Lynn joins Ingrid to break down how pregnancy pressure, sabotaged birth control, stealthing, and financial control strip away autonomy long before survivors recognize what’s happening.
We move beyond headlines to define reproductive coercion in real life:
- Stealthing and condom removal without consent
- Birth control sabotage
- Withholding money for abortion or prenatal care
- Guilt disguised as romance
- Pregnancy used as a control tactic
But coercion rarely ends there. Lynn explains how abuse escalates into financial abuse, post-separation abuse, and custody retaliation. We discuss how family court systems sometimes mislabel protective parents as “alienators,” how mandated reporters fail to act, and why children’s disclosures are too often minimized.
Lynn serves on the National Domestic Violence Hotline’s Southern Regional Advisory Committee and leads a Knowledge Exchange focused on legal literacy for survivors. Her policy goal: codify reproductive coercion in Texas and treat stealthing as sexual assault under the law.
This conversation offers:
✔ Clear definitions of reproductive abuse
✔ Practical steps for documentation
✔ Legal literacy tools for survivors
✔ How to find trauma-informed support
✔ How to teach teens about coercive control
If you’ve ever wondered whether pregnancy pressure “counts,” this episode gives language to what many families endure in silence.
Subscribe, leave a review, and share with someone who needs vocabulary for what they’ve lived.
Lynn’s Links:
https://www.1in3podcast.com/guests/lynn-stroud/
https://www.instagram.com/knowledge_exch_abuse_survivors
https://www.linkedin.com/in/lynn-s-16878b6/
1 in 3 is intended for mature audiences. Episodes contain explicit content and may be triggering to some.
If you are in the United States and need help right now, call the national domestic violence hotline at 800-799-7233 or text the word “start” to 88788.
Contact 1 in 3:
- Send your emails to 1in3podcast@gmail.com
- Follow on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok @1in3podcast
- Check out the website https://www.1in3podcast.com/
Thank you for listening!
Cover art by Laura Swift Dahlke
Music by Tim Crowe
00:46 - Welcome And Today’s Focus
01:37 - Defining Reproductive Coercion
02:48 - Lynn’s Story Begins
04:33 - The Betrayal And Pregnancy
07:11 - Control, Pressure, And Red Flags
09:56 - What Reproductive Coercion Looks Like
12:43 - Why Awareness Now Matters
15:03 - Patterns Of Abuse Across Relationships
18:33 - Marriage, Financial Abuse, And Birth
21:23 - Post-Separation Abuse Unpacked
24:23 - Triangulation And Image Crafting
27:33 - Criminal Records And Safety Fears
30:23 - System Failure And Legal Barriers
33:48 - Courts, Bias, And 50–50 Possession
37:03 - Policy Attitudes And Child Safety
39:33 - Coercion After Birth And Minimization
42:13 - Choosing Stability And Modeling Safety
44:27 - Advocacy, Training, And Policy Goals
48:51 - Paralegal Skills And Knowledge Exchange
52:26 - How To Connect With Lynn
54:17 - Final Wisdom And Closing Credits
WEBVTT
00:00:23.500 --> 00:00:25.579
Hi Warriors, welcome to One in Three.
00:00:25.660 --> 00:00:26.940
I'm your host, Ingrid.
00:00:27.339 --> 00:00:36.140
I have learned so much over the last few years from experts and survivors alike on the multiple forms that domestic abuse can take.
00:00:36.380 --> 00:00:44.780
My guest today, Lynn, shares her story, which includes financial, legal, physical, and post-separation abuse.
00:00:45.019 --> 00:00:50.780
She also brings forward a topic that not many people have heard of: reproductive coercion.
00:00:51.019 --> 00:00:56.700
If you're like me and unfamiliar with this topic, you're going to want to lean in.
00:00:56.939 --> 00:00:58.380
Here's Lynn.
00:01:00.060 --> 00:01:00.859
Hi, Lynn.
00:01:00.939 --> 00:01:04.060
Welcome to One and Three, and thank you so much for joining me today.
00:01:04.379 --> 00:01:06.379
Thank you so much for having me.
00:01:06.700 --> 00:01:13.420
Well, before we get into our discussion, could you give some of a background just so everybody gets to know you a little bit?
00:01:13.900 --> 00:01:14.539
Sure.
00:01:14.939 --> 00:01:17.259
So uh my name is Lynn Stroud.
00:01:17.819 --> 00:01:37.099
I am a uh survivor of multiple types of abuse, including sexual assault, reproductive coercion, domestic violence, um, and also post-separation abuse, and uh I would say systemic abuse by the family court.
00:01:37.340 --> 00:01:38.060
That's a big one.
00:01:38.219 --> 00:01:44.060
And I think a lot of listeners are familiar with domestic violence and sexual assault.
00:01:44.219 --> 00:01:49.900
The reproductive coercion, I think maybe a term that individuals are unfamiliar with.
00:01:50.140 --> 00:01:58.060
And post-separation abuse, I think probably a lot of people are familiar with it, but don't necessarily know that's what it's called.
00:01:58.299 --> 00:02:04.060
But before we get into all of that, do you want to just share with us a little bit of your personal story?
00:02:04.459 --> 00:02:05.340
Sure, sure.
00:02:05.500 --> 00:02:21.340
So regarding the reproductive coercion, you know, in a sense, reproductive coercion is any sexual act in which you are inhibiting another party's autonomy and reproductive choices.
00:02:21.579 --> 00:02:23.980
And that can really include so much.
00:02:24.300 --> 00:02:30.060
Um, for instance, what happened to me was I was 20 years old.
00:02:30.379 --> 00:02:41.099
I was dating a man who was older than I was, and um we had been dating for several months, and all that time I was actually on birth control.
00:02:41.259 --> 00:02:42.300
I was on the pill.
00:02:42.460 --> 00:02:45.180
And I thought that was a pretty trusted, you know, form.
00:02:45.340 --> 00:02:46.539
I was okay with it.
00:02:46.860 --> 00:02:52.699
But I went to uh go see my gynecologist for an annual exam.
00:02:52.939 --> 00:02:56.460
And she said, you know, you're a young woman on the go.
00:02:56.780 --> 00:03:01.419
Maybe you'd like to try out this new thing so you don't have to remember to take the pill every day.
00:03:01.580 --> 00:03:04.620
Uh, it's a patch that you stick on.
00:03:04.860 --> 00:03:07.020
Uh, and you know, it's pretty new on the market.
00:03:07.099 --> 00:03:08.539
And I thought, okay, this sounds great.
00:03:08.699 --> 00:03:12.300
I mean, you just put on a patch for the week and then you don't have to think about it.
00:03:12.460 --> 00:03:14.539
Uh and I said, You don't have to worry about anything.
00:03:14.699 --> 00:03:17.180
She said, No, it'll stay on in the shower.
00:03:17.500 --> 00:03:20.139
I said, Great, and marched on out of there.
00:03:20.379 --> 00:03:28.699
Um, I went on vacation to an island, and the minute I set foot in the water, the patch came off.
00:03:29.979 --> 00:03:38.139
So apparently it had been tested on shower water, but like hadn't been tested in salt water, I guess was it, but it either way, it it came off.
00:03:38.300 --> 00:03:44.860
So I come back after vacation, and um, you know, my boyfriend at the time and I we had already had sex.
00:03:45.020 --> 00:03:51.979
It wasn't anything new to us, but I sat down and said, Look, we have to be incredibly careful right now because the patch came off.
00:03:52.219 --> 00:03:54.780
I haven't been taking the pill, obviously.
00:03:55.020 --> 00:03:56.860
So we need to figure out something.
00:03:57.180 --> 00:04:02.860
And, you know, he was always the type of guy who would say, I don't want to use condoms.
00:04:03.020 --> 00:04:04.460
I don't like them.
00:04:04.620 --> 00:04:06.060
They take away the feeling.
00:04:06.300 --> 00:04:11.659
It's excuses that so many men will use so that they can get out of using one.
00:04:12.060 --> 00:04:19.180
Um, and so we decided that we were gonna use the pull-out method, and we agreed on it beforehand.
00:04:19.419 --> 00:04:25.740
It wasn't, I think, the best idea that we've ever had, but it was consensual and it was agreed upon.
00:04:25.899 --> 00:04:35.819
And so we started having sex, and I'm reminding him the entire way through, don't forget, you said you were gonna pull out, don't forget, don't forget.
00:04:35.899 --> 00:04:40.459
And he's getting irritated with me, and he's saying, I won't, I won't forget, I won't forget.
00:04:40.699 --> 00:04:48.939
Well, the end of the sex came, and he did not pull out, and he completely went back on his word.
00:04:49.259 --> 00:04:53.339
And all I could think to say was, What the hell did you just do?
00:04:53.500 --> 00:04:59.980
I mean, I was in complete shock, uh, and I felt really betrayed initially.
00:05:00.379 --> 00:05:08.139
And the way he all he could really say, and it was very flippant and with zero emotion, was sorry, I forgot.
00:05:08.459 --> 00:05:11.899
So, of course, we had argued about it after that.
00:05:12.060 --> 00:05:17.740
Um, and that sex had actually uh eventually gotten me pregnant.
00:05:17.980 --> 00:05:36.139
So, you know, um I had um I had gone about two weeks and uh ended up my period was late, and um, I took a test, and um, and I remember just being so angry with him and so upset and confused.
00:05:36.220 --> 00:05:44.459
And I was in the middle of college, I was still living with my parents, I was in no way, in no way ready to become a mother.
00:05:45.019 --> 00:05:53.899
Um, and when I called him and told him I was pregnant, he said again with zero feeling, okay, well, let's just get married.
00:05:54.139 --> 00:05:54.459
No.
00:05:56.139 --> 00:06:00.060
And so we went back and forth and we argued about it.
00:06:00.139 --> 00:06:04.300
But every time I would say to him, Why did you do this after we agreed?
00:06:04.620 --> 00:06:08.139
He would just say, Well, I was drunk and I forgot.
00:06:08.540 --> 00:06:27.259
But as the relationship went on, I started to realize that as he was putting more and more pressure on me to go forward with the pregnancy when I wasn't ready to, and trying to trap me into a relationship with him that I didn't know if I wanted or not.
00:06:27.899 --> 00:06:39.899
He, I believe 100% that he intended to do what he did and that he wanted to get me pregnant to trap him, to trap me into a relationship with him.
00:06:40.540 --> 00:06:48.699
You know, that's something that I guess throughout the years you always hear of women trying to entrap men by getting pregnant.
00:06:48.939 --> 00:06:54.060
So this is this is, I think, a concept that not very many people are familiar with.
00:06:54.779 --> 00:06:55.420
Absolutely.
00:06:55.579 --> 00:07:00.699
I think, and it can absolutely happen woman to man.
00:07:01.019 --> 00:07:28.620
It's definitely not specifically a gender-based crime, but I think um generally I feel like there is an overall gender bias to the crime because if you're in a relationship and at that point I didn't know enough, I was too young to really have a good handle on it, and it was too early in the relationship for me to know.
00:07:28.779 --> 00:07:30.939
But this was an abusive relationship.
00:07:31.180 --> 00:07:51.019
After I terminated the pregnancy, he went from maybe the first few months being controlling and jealous and kind of cold to being blatantly abusive because he blamed me for not wanting to go through with the pregnancy.
00:07:51.100 --> 00:07:56.860
So then he started to become, you know, verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, extremely manipulative.
00:07:57.100 --> 00:08:13.420
And so I think when you have a relationship like that, where there is one partner who is looking to entrap the other one and inflict this kind of this kind of control, I feel like women can so easily be taken advantage of.
00:08:13.660 --> 00:08:16.779
And, you know, there are other ways that it can happen.
00:08:16.860 --> 00:08:22.459
You know, it's not just the actual, you know, a sexual act.
00:08:22.699 --> 00:08:31.180
It's, you know, like what he tried to do with me, trying to influence my reproductive choices to go one way or the other.
00:08:31.339 --> 00:08:36.220
It could be that there's a woman that wants to keep the child and the man doesn't want her to.
00:08:36.299 --> 00:08:40.539
And so he might try to pressure her into uh terminating the pregnancy.
00:08:40.779 --> 00:09:15.340
And uh he, if he if it's a relationship where, you know, let's say the man in the relationship makes more money than the woman and there's financial abuse going on, if you refuse to provide your partner with reasonable finances to, you know, either support the pregnancy and get some um reproductive treatment, or if she doesn't want to go through the pregnancy and you intentionally withhold funds um for her to get an abortion, that's also reproductive coercion.
00:09:15.659 --> 00:09:18.139
Um, and there's so many ways it can happen.
00:09:18.539 --> 00:09:18.860
Yeah.
00:09:19.100 --> 00:09:27.500
Um, and I want to get back to your story a little bit, but let's go, let's talk a little bit more about reproductive coercion since you started describing some.
00:09:27.659 --> 00:09:32.059
Are there more examples of what it can look like?
00:09:32.379 --> 00:09:32.700
Okay.
00:09:33.100 --> 00:09:39.500
So this would be kind of an overall list of ways that reproductive coercion can happen.
00:09:39.740 --> 00:09:50.460
Hiding or destroying contraceptives, tampering with condoms, um, and some of the information that I might want to talk about today would be stealthing.
00:09:51.019 --> 00:09:58.059
That is the what stealthing is is tampering or removing a condom without the other party's notice.
00:09:58.620 --> 00:10:32.299
Um, refusing to use contraception, withholding financial access, lying about fertility or contraceptive use, guilt and manipulation, forced unprotected sex, physical violence, forcing someone to have an abortion, preventing someone from having an abortion, intentionally causing them to have a miscarriage, or pressuring them to continue with a pregnancy that they don't want to continue with.
00:10:33.580 --> 00:10:37.259
And this can happen regardless of what kind of relationship you have.
00:10:37.899 --> 00:10:38.539
Absolutely.
00:10:39.100 --> 00:10:39.419
Absolutely.
00:10:39.820 --> 00:10:54.379
So I think there's a lot of misconception of what can happen when you're married and there are obligations as a spouse that these some of those items don't apply because you're married.
00:10:54.779 --> 00:10:55.419
Right.
00:10:55.820 --> 00:10:56.059
Right.
00:10:56.220 --> 00:11:11.980
And I feel like there are, you know, I'm sure that this happens a whole I think many women have heard my story and have kind of had an aha moment and have realized, wow, I I may have been really close to that, or that did actually happen to me.
00:11:12.379 --> 00:11:20.779
But um where it was more of like a dating circumstance, or, you know, maybe it was a one night stand that turned into something else.
00:11:21.019 --> 00:11:39.019
But I think that if we were to take an accurate depiction, and I mean worldwide, I think um I think this is probably something that affects so many married couples, especially in a society where there's patriarchal aspects.
00:11:39.340 --> 00:11:39.500
Yeah.
00:11:39.580 --> 00:11:46.779
And then you don't even necessarily know it's happening or it has happened until all of a sudden you're pregnant.
00:11:47.019 --> 00:11:52.379
Or if it's the other way around, the woman telling the man I'm pregnant.
00:11:52.620 --> 00:11:52.940
Right.
00:11:53.100 --> 00:11:53.500
Right.
00:11:54.379 --> 00:11:54.700
Okay.
00:11:56.539 --> 00:12:01.340
Why do you why is it important to understand what reproductive coercion is?
00:12:02.460 --> 00:12:09.340
So I think it's so important for everyone to recognize these signs, not just women.
00:12:09.740 --> 00:12:21.740
Because when it happened to me, like I said, this was over 20 years ago, and I lived in a state at the time where I did have access to terminate my pregnancy.
00:12:21.899 --> 00:12:27.340
Unfortunately, in the last few years with the reversal of Roe v.
00:12:27.500 --> 00:12:40.779
Wade, we have so many couples and so many individuals residing in states where they can no longer get reproductive access to certain things.
00:12:40.940 --> 00:12:50.940
Um, and that not only puts their health at risk, but it really is something that can change the entire trajectory of your life.
00:12:51.820 --> 00:12:53.100
Yeah, it can.
00:12:53.179 --> 00:12:57.500
And I think that it goes beyond just I want to have a kid.
00:12:57.659 --> 00:13:10.220
I think in probably most of these cases, there is some control aspect, which is when there's a power imbalance or somebody is trying to wield control, then that's an abusive situation.
00:13:10.620 --> 00:13:17.659
And it's it's really just kind of one of the warning signs, if for me at least, you know, because this was fairly early in the relationship.
00:13:17.820 --> 00:13:22.139
I want to say I was maybe with dating the guy for four or five months.
00:13:22.460 --> 00:13:29.500
And so there were other signs, like I mentioned, you know, the possessiveness and the, you know, the jealousness, the controlling behavior.
00:13:29.740 --> 00:13:37.179
Um, I think at that time, I don't even know if the phrase or the term coercive control existed.
00:13:37.820 --> 00:13:43.100
And now I think we're seeing it everywhere, but it was absolutely a red flag.
00:13:43.419 --> 00:13:56.460
And so I think it's really important for people in relationships to recognize that there are very specific warning signs, um, and even maybe some that are a little bit more nuanced.
00:13:56.700 --> 00:14:07.259
And it could be someone pretending to want to share a life with you, um, you know, which is originally the way that I took his intention.
00:14:07.340 --> 00:14:13.899
I I took it that, you know, well, the second I found out he was pregnant, so he's doing the honorable thing.
00:14:14.299 --> 00:14:26.059
But later on in the relationship, I realized that, you know, it was it his intention for doing so was completely insidious, and that what he essentially wanted was control.
00:14:26.299 --> 00:14:33.659
Yeah, it is, I imagine, a situation where it'd be very easy to mistake it as a romantic gesture.
00:14:34.059 --> 00:14:46.460
Um, I wanted to just comment quick that a lot of times in abusive situations, when the abuser starts to realize their loss of control, that's when they step up the abuse.
00:14:46.620 --> 00:15:00.620
So by you taking control over your body in your pregnancy, you took his control or his perceived control that he had over you away and and then escalated the abuse.
00:15:00.860 --> 00:15:02.139
Absolutely.
00:15:02.460 --> 00:15:02.700
Right.
00:15:02.860 --> 00:15:22.620
And I think that because there was already a power imbalance there, I think because he was older than me, because I was still in college and still, you know, mostly dependent on my parents, he was, he had already already had begun his career, he had his own money, he was a little bit more established than I was.
00:15:22.700 --> 00:15:32.379
And I think he he recognized that imbalance, uh, and he recognized that there was like a different amount of power in the relationship.
00:15:32.539 --> 00:15:38.700
And um I think when he couldn't get it that way, uh, you're absolutely right.
00:15:39.019 --> 00:15:46.299
He um he, you know, it definitely stepped up a notch and became much more dangerous.
00:15:46.940 --> 00:15:49.580
So you mentioned other forms of abuse.
00:15:49.740 --> 00:15:52.059
Was it all from the same, this same man?
00:15:52.379 --> 00:15:59.820
So I spent years, I think, going from one relationship to another where there was some form of abuse.
00:15:59.980 --> 00:16:06.220
In that relationship, it was mostly verbal and um emotional, and and then there was the reproductive coercion.
00:16:06.460 --> 00:16:12.940
I was in a relationship before that when I was about 18 years old.
00:16:13.259 --> 00:16:26.539
And I always thought, like, if if you had asked me years ago to describe that relationship, I would have probably described it as tumultuous, you know, which is it, I would have never in a million years said it was abusive.
00:16:26.860 --> 00:16:33.899
But thinking back, there was um a time where he was absolutely physically abusive and strangled me.
00:16:34.059 --> 00:16:43.740
And I actually was so shocked at the moment that it happened that instead of confronting him about it, I buried it.
00:16:43.980 --> 00:16:49.740
I buried it in the back of my brain, and it was almost like a space, like it never happened.
00:16:49.899 --> 00:17:02.059
I was in another relationship when I was in my late 20s, where um I was dating the man for oh, a while, probably several months.
00:17:02.220 --> 00:17:10.940
Um, and I was at the point where I felt like I trusted him, and he became violent one day when we were alone and sexually assaulted me.
00:17:11.500 --> 00:17:16.380
And then several years later, I ended up meeting my first husband.
00:17:16.779 --> 00:17:22.380
And in the beginning, um, I thought, you know, I had won the lottery.
00:17:22.460 --> 00:17:24.380
I thought, wow, this is my person.
00:17:24.539 --> 00:17:26.860
He seems to kind of mirror me in every way.
00:17:27.019 --> 00:17:28.059
He seems to understand.
00:17:28.299 --> 00:17:40.140
Little did I know that was the beginning of narcissistic abuse and financial abuse because he kept telling me after we got married, I really want you to quit your job.
00:17:40.220 --> 00:17:41.500
You don't need to work anymore.
00:17:41.740 --> 00:17:47.099
And then once I did quit my job, the narrative completely changed.
00:17:47.259 --> 00:17:54.380
And it went from we're a team, we're in this together, to he would say things like, I made this money.
00:17:54.779 --> 00:17:55.980
You're not working.
00:17:56.220 --> 00:17:57.900
This, you don't have access to any money.
00:17:57.980 --> 00:17:58.779
This is my money.
00:17:58.859 --> 00:18:00.299
You don't have a right to it.
00:18:00.539 --> 00:18:01.740
So it became that.
00:18:01.980 --> 00:18:03.579
And there was so much more going on.
00:18:03.660 --> 00:18:08.619
I mean, uh, my first husband gambled, he abused his pain medication.
00:18:08.779 --> 00:18:15.980
And after our daughter was born, um, he seemed to become jealous of the bond that I had with her.
00:18:16.140 --> 00:18:17.980
And it took so much for me to have her.
00:18:18.140 --> 00:18:22.859
I mean, I, you know, went through a couple years of fertility issues where I couldn't get pregnant.
00:18:23.180 --> 00:18:29.740
Then once I started getting pregnant, I just kept having recurrent miscarriage miscarriages, and that happened for several years.
00:18:29.900 --> 00:18:37.900
And then I finally give birth to this beautiful, perfect little girl, and he turns, you know, completely evil on me.
00:18:37.980 --> 00:18:42.700
And and not only that, but doesn't want anything to do with either of us.
00:18:42.859 --> 00:18:47.180
You know, he starts going to work and doesn't want to come home at night.
00:18:47.339 --> 00:18:54.700
Um, he's uh hiding money from me and withholding information, and and I have no idea what's going on with him.
00:18:54.859 --> 00:18:56.859
Not only that, he doesn't want to help with the baby.
00:18:57.019 --> 00:19:01.259
You know, even when he does come home from work, which is rare, he doesn't want to do anything with her.
00:19:01.339 --> 00:19:04.380
He doesn't want to bathe her, he doesn't want to hold her.
00:19:04.619 --> 00:19:07.420
He just seems like he's not interested.
00:19:07.740 --> 00:19:12.140
And so we ended up splitting up when my daughter was about 11 months old.
00:19:12.299 --> 00:19:20.460
And the post-separation abuse that I experienced by him was probably some of the most damaging.
00:19:20.539 --> 00:19:26.140
And that's odd to say for someone who has been physically sexually assaulted.
00:19:26.220 --> 00:19:36.220
But I think the post-separation abuse was almost worse in a way because I kept, I feel like I was kind of screaming into the void.
00:19:36.460 --> 00:19:45.579
Like I would, I would get on the phone every day and I was talking to my lawyer saying, I don't feel safe and um I'm the one who's taking care of this baby.
00:19:45.740 --> 00:19:49.900
You know, I have to go, I have to figure out how to pay the bills on this house.
00:19:50.059 --> 00:19:51.660
I have to breastfeed her.
00:19:51.819 --> 00:19:54.140
I have to make sure that she's cared for.
00:19:54.220 --> 00:20:02.619
And now I have to figure out how to go back to work again because my soon-to-be ex-husband told me to stop working, and now I don't have any of my own money.
00:20:02.779 --> 00:20:11.900
He was withholding child support, all of the things, all of the terrible things that you could do to the mother of your child, that is what was happening.
00:20:12.380 --> 00:20:17.339
Yeah, and that's, I think, what a lot of people don't understand is that post-separation abuse.
00:20:17.420 --> 00:20:24.779
It can look like not paying child support, using the legal system to drain your finances, drain your sanity, more or less.
00:20:24.940 --> 00:20:42.940
And if there are no children involved, post-separation abuse can be stalking, harassment, ongoing, like if there's any financial ties, again, using the legal system and financial abuse to just continue exerting control or attempt their attempt to control you.
00:20:43.579 --> 00:20:54.619
And a lot of times I've heard a lot of stories where the children are used as pawns, like for what you said, he did not spend any time with your daughter.
00:20:54.859 --> 00:21:05.500
Well, I've heard stories where the father's not spent time with their children or very minimal amount of time, and then all of a sudden is very insistent on having equal custody.
00:21:05.980 --> 00:21:13.900
And even when they have equal custody, they're sending the kids off to somebody else's house to spend the night and whatever.
00:21:14.059 --> 00:21:19.339
So, yeah, post-separation abuse is, I believe itself, very traumatic.
00:21:19.740 --> 00:21:20.779
It definitely is.
00:21:20.940 --> 00:21:31.660
Yeah, I noticed with it my own ex-husband that he, you know, got a certain amount of visitation when we initially settled the divorce, which was probably when my daughter was about two.
00:21:31.740 --> 00:21:34.059
And he wasn't taking that visitation.
00:21:34.299 --> 00:21:41.980
But every time he would get a new girlfriend, then all of a sudden he would want to visit my daughter.
00:21:42.140 --> 00:21:46.859
And he would want my daughter to meet whoever this new supply was.
00:21:47.259 --> 00:21:54.619
So then he wanted to create this facade that he was this active father and this loving, you know, doting man.
00:21:55.019 --> 00:21:59.980
And they the other women had absolutely no idea what was going on.
00:22:00.140 --> 00:22:05.259
The only thing they were hearing was how awful of a person I was from his perspective.
00:22:05.420 --> 00:22:08.299
Um, so there's all this triangulation going on as well.
00:22:08.460 --> 00:22:08.700
Yes.
00:22:08.859 --> 00:22:11.099
And it's all being pitted against me.
00:22:11.500 --> 00:22:12.059
Yes.
00:22:12.380 --> 00:22:23.180
And triangular triangulation is an it's an important concept because to understand, because it is pitting two people who may not even ever communicate with each other against.
00:22:23.819 --> 00:22:24.380
Each other.
00:22:24.619 --> 00:22:29.099
But then what can happen is they can twist the narrative.
00:22:29.180 --> 00:22:34.059
So right now, you're the bad mom, and this new girlfriend is this great, wonderful person.
00:22:34.140 --> 00:22:38.140
And I need you to step in and be the kind of mom that my ex can't be.
00:22:38.380 --> 00:22:46.779
And if she becomes more of a permanent fixture and a more of a prominent uh position in your child's life, then all of a sudden things will twist.
00:22:46.859 --> 00:22:51.339
And it's, oh, my ex-wife never did something like that before.
00:22:51.579 --> 00:22:53.819
You need to, you have no idea how to be a mom.
00:22:53.980 --> 00:22:59.660
So it's very twisty, turny, confusing, and just gross.
00:22:59.819 --> 00:23:00.059
Yeah.
00:23:00.220 --> 00:23:00.859
Honestly.
00:23:01.099 --> 00:23:01.420
Yeah.
00:23:01.579 --> 00:23:09.900
My ex-husband actually um got another woman pregnant while we were still legally married.
00:23:10.140 --> 00:23:14.779
So, like right before the divorce was final, he got someone else pregnant.
00:23:14.940 --> 00:23:18.539
And we had just signed the divorce decree.
00:23:18.779 --> 00:23:25.339
And I want to say a few days later, I had this conversation with his girlfriend at the time.
00:23:25.660 --> 00:23:30.700
And when I first met her a few months before that, I just got a really bad feeling about her.
00:23:30.779 --> 00:23:32.700
There was just something about the way that she was acting.
00:23:32.859 --> 00:23:43.099
She was trying to sort of like hide herself and put her hood over her face as if she didn't really want me to see who she was, and she didn't really come out and introduce herself.
00:23:43.180 --> 00:23:47.339
Um, so just something really set, kind of just told me that there was something off.
00:23:47.579 --> 00:23:57.660
And I had, I've been a paralegal now for over 20 years, and I think just, you know, kind of bells went off in my head that was like, you need you need to look into this person.
00:23:57.819 --> 00:23:59.259
And I had a legal right to.
00:23:59.420 --> 00:24:03.579
At that time in our in our decree, we had information in there.
00:24:03.740 --> 00:24:15.900
It was specifically stated that if one person was starting to live with, you know, someone else, that the other party, that they should supply their information to the other party so they could do a background check on them.
00:24:16.380 --> 00:24:24.460
So I kept begging for her information and he kept refusing to give it to me, even though the order said he had to.
00:24:24.619 --> 00:24:33.579
So eventually I dug around a little bit and I found her name and her date of birth because uh she had it posted publicly on her Facebook page.
00:24:33.740 --> 00:24:35.579
So I guess that's a warning to anyone out there.
00:24:35.740 --> 00:24:40.220
If you don't want people to find out stuff about you, keep your birthday off Facebook.
00:24:41.099 --> 00:24:41.900
Goodness.
00:24:42.220 --> 00:24:42.619
Yeah.
00:24:42.859 --> 00:24:49.819
And so I did a little background check and found out that she had a pretty extensive criminal record.
00:24:50.140 --> 00:24:51.980
And we're not just talking misdemeanors.
00:24:52.059 --> 00:24:58.859
There were a few minor things on there like public intoxication and driving under the influence and theft.
00:24:59.259 --> 00:25:02.619
But I just kept thinking, I feel like there's something here that I'm missing.
00:25:02.779 --> 00:25:13.019
And it turns out I looked into a different county and she had a felony on her record for possession of methamphetamine.
00:25:13.579 --> 00:25:14.859
Oh my God.
00:25:16.299 --> 00:25:20.700
And when I told him about this, he called me a liar.
00:25:20.859 --> 00:25:22.299
And he said, I don't believe you.
00:00:23.500 --> 00:00:25.579
00:00:25.660 --> 00:00:26.940
00:00:27.339 --> 00:00:36.140
00:00:36.380 --> 00:00:44.780
00:00:45.019 --> 00:00:50.780
00:00:51.019 --> 00:00:56.700
00:00:56.939 --> 00:00:58.380
00:01:00.060 --> 00:01:00.859
00:01:00.939 --> 00:01:04.060
00:01:04.379 --> 00:01:06.379
00:01:06.700 --> 00:01:13.420
00:01:13.900 --> 00:01:14.539
00:01:14.939 --> 00:01:17.259
00:01:17.819 --> 00:01:37.099
00:01:37.340 --> 00:01:38.060
00:01:38.219 --> 00:01:44.060
00:01:44.219 --> 00:01:49.900
00:01:50.140 --> 00:01:58.060
00:01:58.299 --> 00:02:04.060
00:02:04.459 --> 00:02:05.340
00:02:05.500 --> 00:02:21.340
00:02:21.579 --> 00:02:23.980
00:02:24.300 --> 00:02:30.060
00:02:30.379 --> 00:02:41.099
00:02:41.259 --> 00:02:42.300
00:02:42.460 --> 00:02:45.180
00:02:45.340 --> 00:02:46.539
00:02:46.860 --> 00:02:52.699
00:02:52.939 --> 00:02:56.460
00:02:56.780 --> 00:03:01.419
00:03:01.580 --> 00:03:04.620
00:03:04.860 --> 00:03:07.020
00:03:07.099 --> 00:03:08.539
00:03:08.699 --> 00:03:12.300
00:03:12.460 --> 00:03:14.539
00:03:14.699 --> 00:03:17.180
00:03:17.500 --> 00:03:20.139
00:03:20.379 --> 00:03:28.699
00:03:29.979 --> 00:03:38.139
00:03:38.300 --> 00:03:44.860
00:03:45.020 --> 00:03:51.979
00:03:52.219 --> 00:03:54.780
00:03:55.020 --> 00:03:56.860
00:03:57.180 --> 00:04:02.860
00:04:03.020 --> 00:04:04.460
00:04:04.620 --> 00:04:06.060
00:04:06.300 --> 00:04:11.659
00:04:12.060 --> 00:04:19.180
00:04:19.419 --> 00:04:25.740
00:04:25.899 --> 00:04:35.819
00:04:35.899 --> 00:04:40.459
00:04:40.699 --> 00:04:48.939
00:04:49.259 --> 00:04:53.339
00:04:53.500 --> 00:04:59.980
00:05:00.379 --> 00:05:08.139
00:05:08.459 --> 00:05:11.899
00:05:12.060 --> 00:05:17.740
00:05:17.980 --> 00:05:36.139
00:05:36.220 --> 00:05:44.459
00:05:45.019 --> 00:05:53.899
00:05:54.139 --> 00:05:54.459
00:05:56.139 --> 00:06:00.060
00:06:00.139 --> 00:06:04.300
00:06:04.620 --> 00:06:08.139
00:06:08.540 --> 00:06:27.259
00:06:27.899 --> 00:06:39.899
00:06:40.540 --> 00:06:48.699
00:06:48.939 --> 00:06:54.060
00:06:54.779 --> 00:06:55.420
00:06:55.579 --> 00:07:00.699
00:07:01.019 --> 00:07:28.620
00:07:28.779 --> 00:07:30.939
00:07:31.180 --> 00:07:51.019
00:07:51.100 --> 00:07:56.860
00:07:57.100 --> 00:08:13.420
00:08:13.660 --> 00:08:16.779
00:08:16.860 --> 00:08:22.459
00:08:22.699 --> 00:08:31.180
00:08:31.339 --> 00:08:36.220
00:08:36.299 --> 00:08:40.539
00:08:40.779 --> 00:09:15.340
00:09:15.659 --> 00:09:18.139
00:09:18.539 --> 00:09:18.860
00:09:19.100 --> 00:09:27.500
00:09:27.659 --> 00:09:32.059
00:09:32.379 --> 00:09:32.700
00:09:33.100 --> 00:09:39.500
00:09:39.740 --> 00:09:50.460
00:09:51.019 --> 00:09:58.059
00:09:58.620 --> 00:10:32.299
00:10:33.580 --> 00:10:37.259
00:10:37.899 --> 00:10:38.539
00:10:39.100 --> 00:10:39.419
00:10:39.820 --> 00:10:54.379
00:10:54.779 --> 00:10:55.419
00:10:55.820 --> 00:10:56.059
00:10:56.220 --> 00:11:11.980
00:11:12.379 --> 00:11:20.779
00:11:21.019 --> 00:11:39.019
00:11:39.340 --> 00:11:39.500
00:11:39.580 --> 00:11:46.779
00:11:47.019 --> 00:11:52.379
00:11:52.620 --> 00:11:52.940
00:11:53.100 --> 00:11:53.500
00:11:54.379 --> 00:11:54.700
00:11:56.539 --> 00:12:01.340
00:12:02.460 --> 00:12:09.340
00:12:09.740 --> 00:12:21.740
00:12:21.899 --> 00:12:27.340
00:12:27.500 --> 00:12:40.779
00:12:40.940 --> 00:12:50.940
00:12:51.820 --> 00:12:53.100
00:12:53.179 --> 00:12:57.500
00:12:57.659 --> 00:13:10.220
00:13:10.620 --> 00:13:17.659
00:13:17.820 --> 00:13:22.139
00:13:22.460 --> 00:13:29.500
00:13:29.740 --> 00:13:37.179
00:13:37.820 --> 00:13:43.100
00:13:43.419 --> 00:13:56.460
00:13:56.700 --> 00:14:07.259
00:14:07.340 --> 00:14:13.899
00:14:14.299 --> 00:14:26.059
00:14:26.299 --> 00:14:33.659
00:14:34.059 --> 00:14:46.460
00:14:46.620 --> 00:15:00.620
00:15:00.860 --> 00:15:02.139
00:15:02.460 --> 00:15:02.700
00:15:02.860 --> 00:15:22.620
00:15:22.700 --> 00:15:32.379
00:15:32.539 --> 00:15:38.700
00:15:39.019 --> 00:15:46.299
00:15:46.940 --> 00:15:49.580
00:15:49.740 --> 00:15:52.059
00:15:52.379 --> 00:15:59.820
00:15:59.980 --> 00:16:06.220
00:16:06.460 --> 00:16:12.940
00:16:13.259 --> 00:16:26.539
00:16:26.860 --> 00:16:33.899
00:16:34.059 --> 00:16:43.740
00:16:43.980 --> 00:16:49.740
00:16:49.899 --> 00:17:02.059
00:17:02.220 --> 00:17:10.940
00:17:11.500 --> 00:17:16.380
00:17:16.779 --> 00:17:22.380
00:17:22.460 --> 00:17:24.380
00:17:24.539 --> 00:17:26.860
00:17:27.019 --> 00:17:28.059
00:17:28.299 --> 00:17:40.140
00:17:40.220 --> 00:17:41.500
00:17:41.740 --> 00:17:47.099
00:17:47.259 --> 00:17:54.380
00:17:54.779 --> 00:17:55.980
00:17:56.220 --> 00:17:57.900
00:17:57.980 --> 00:17:58.779
00:17:58.859 --> 00:18:00.299
00:18:00.539 --> 00:18:01.740
00:18:01.980 --> 00:18:03.579
00:18:03.660 --> 00:18:08.619
00:18:08.779 --> 00:18:15.980
00:18:16.140 --> 00:18:17.980
00:18:18.140 --> 00:18:22.859
00:18:23.180 --> 00:18:29.740
00:18:29.900 --> 00:18:37.900
00:18:37.980 --> 00:18:42.700
00:18:42.859 --> 00:18:47.180
00:18:47.339 --> 00:18:54.700
00:18:54.859 --> 00:18:56.859
00:18:57.019 --> 00:19:01.259
00:19:01.339 --> 00:19:04.380
00:19:04.619 --> 00:19:07.420
00:19:07.740 --> 00:19:12.140
00:19:12.299 --> 00:19:20.460
00:19:20.539 --> 00:19:26.140
00:19:26.220 --> 00:19:36.220
00:19:36.460 --> 00:19:45.579
00:19:45.740 --> 00:19:49.900
00:19:50.059 --> 00:19:51.660
00:19:51.819 --> 00:19:54.140
00:19:54.220 --> 00:20:02.619
00:20:02.779 --> 00:20:11.900
00:20:12.380 --> 00:20:17.339
00:20:17.420 --> 00:20:24.779
00:20:24.940 --> 00:20:42.940
00:20:43.579 --> 00:20:54.619
00:20:54.859 --> 00:21:05.500
00:21:05.980 --> 00:21:13.900
00:21:14.059 --> 00:21:19.339
00:21:19.740 --> 00:21:20.779
00:21:20.940 --> 00:21:31.660
00:21:31.740 --> 00:21:34.059
00:21:34.299 --> 00:21:41.980
00:21:42.140 --> 00:21:46.859
00:21:47.259 --> 00:21:54.619
00:21:55.019 --> 00:21:59.980
00:22:00.140 --> 00:22:05.259
00:22:05.420 --> 00:22:08.299
00:22:08.460 --> 00:22:08.700
00:22:08.859 --> 00:22:11.099
00:22:11.500 --> 00:22:12.059
00:22:12.380 --> 00:22:23.180
00:22:23.819 --> 00:22:24.380
00:22:24.619 --> 00:22:29.099
00:22:29.180 --> 00:22:34.059
00:22:34.140 --> 00:22:38.140
00:22:38.380 --> 00:22:46.779
00:22:46.859 --> 00:22:51.339
00:22:51.579 --> 00:22:53.819
00:22:53.980 --> 00:22:59.660
00:22:59.819 --> 00:23:00.059
00:23:00.220 --> 00:23:00.859
00:23:01.099 --> 00:23:01.420
00:23:01.579 --> 00:23:09.900
00:23:10.140 --> 00:23:14.779
00:23:14.940 --> 00:23:18.539
00:23:18.779 --> 00:23:25.339
00:23:25.660 --> 00:23:30.700
00:23:30.779 --> 00:23:32.700
00:23:32.859 --> 00:23:43.099
00:23:43.180 --> 00:23:47.339
00:23:47.579 --> 00:23:57.660
00:23:57.819 --> 00:23:59.259
00:23:59.420 --> 00:24:03.579
00:24:03.740 --> 00:24:15.900
00:24:16.380 --> 00:24:24.460
00:24:24.619 --> 00:24:33.579
00:24:33.740 --> 00:24:35.579
00:24:35.740 --> 00:24:40.220
00:24:41.099 --> 00:24:41.900
00:24:42.220 --> 00:24:42.619
00:24:42.859 --> 00:24:49.819
00:24:50.140 --> 00:24:51.980
00:24:52.059 --> 00:24:58.859
00:24:59.259 --> 00:25:02.619
00:25:02.779 --> 00:25:13.019
00:25:13.579 --> 00:25:14.859
00:25:16.299 --> 00:25:20.700
00:25:20.859 --> 00:25:22.299