WEBVTT
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Hi Warriors, welcome to One in Three.
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I'm your host, Ingrid.
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Most of my guests have lived experience with domestic violence, sexual assault, and or trafficking.
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Today I'm honored to welcome someone who chose this work as an ally.
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Please help me in welcoming Anthony Pisquini as we talk about why men's voices are so important in the fight against domestic violence, as well as his work with wings.
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Here's Anthony.
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Hi, Anthony.
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Thank you so much for joining me on one and three and welcome.
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Thank you.
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I was gonna say good morning.
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It's 1 p.m.
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Good afternoon.
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Thank you for having me.
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Who knows?
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Nobody knows what time it is anymore.
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I don't know what day it is, what month it is.
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We're already in 2026, which is that's hard enough to figure out.
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So, okay, we have a lot of interesting topics to talk about today.
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But before we do that, could you just give a little bit of a background on yourself so listeners can get to know you some?
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Sure, absolutely.
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So my name's Anthony Piasquini.
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Um, I'm out of the Chicagoland area.
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Uh I am a uh practicing attorney.
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I've been practicing law going on 12 years now.
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Uh, eight of those years, I was a criminal prosecutor uh in two separate counties.
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Uh I worked on domestic violence cases, I worked on uh violent felonies, robberies, burglaries, everything from traffic cases, um, you know, all the way up to felony cases.
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So a wide variety there.
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Um, I've worked uh hand in hand with law enforcement to assist them in their investigations, uh, which did include a number of domestic violence cases, child abuse cases, regulations, you know, you name it, but we worked on it.
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Uh currently uh I uh work as a labor and employment attorney on behalf of law enforcement with the Metropolitan Alliance of Police.
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We're a labor union representing uh local law enforcement, suburban law enforcements in Illinois, uh law enforcement agencies, rather, in Illinois.
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And over the last couple of years, I've been getting involved with domestic abuse advocacy work, specifically through an organization that I just think is absolutely incredible.
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It's called Wings, W-I-N-G-S.
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And it's it's like nothing I've ever experienced before.
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The the opportunities that they give people, but the services that they provide is really something that has been very impactful on the way that that you know I view the communities around me, the communities that I'm involved in, and the resources that they have to help people is um it's it's phenomenal.
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So I've been doing that for the past two years and working with them has really just completely changed the way that I perceive the world around me.
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So a lot of times people who come on who get active in the domestic violence community have a personal reason to do so.
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How did you get involved with wings?
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Was it with your or how how did you want to start getting more involved with domestic violence?
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Was it because of the work that you had done before?
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A lot of that has to do with my line of work.
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Uh when I was a law student, I had no idea what being a lawyer meant.
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I was I was under the impression that being an attorney meant uh, you know, a nice corporate gig or a nice big law firm with a corner office on LaSalle Street downtown.
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And I tried that a little bit in law school and I really didn't like it.
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Uh, it wasn't for me.
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And a friend suggested, you know, why don't you check out the state's attorney's office?
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And I had no idea what the state's attorney's office was.
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I didn't watch Law and Order, I didn't watch um SVU or any of that.
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So that was uncharted territory for me.
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But I'll never forget driving up to 26 in California as a second-year law student and seeing the courthouse and walking into the office and hearing about what they did, and then finally getting my hands on cases and I fell in love with it.
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And so I dedicated my career uh or a good majority of it so far to public service.
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And even though I don't work in that line of of uh the industry anymore, it's still something that I hold very dear to me and I and I have not let go of being of service to people.
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And so how I got involved in it was primarily through my job.
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You know, I worked in domestic violence courtroom as a misdemeanor assistant for for about a year, maybe a little bit more.
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And that was a wild experience.
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And it and it made me appreciate the things that people have going on in their lives and how these cases affect people.
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Uh, but it wasn't really until I had left being a prosecutor that I started to dig more into things that I could do outside of work.
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And so I actually attended Wings was hosting along with the Chicago Bar Association and a couple other sponsors, uh, a domestic violence symposium that was held in downtown Chicago.
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And so I attended that.
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And what really sparked my engagement was this was an all-day event.
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Every speaker that got up, every panel, uh, every presenter got up and said, take a look around the room and see how many male faces are in here, how many men are in here.
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And I looked around, and admittedly, at first I got a little defensive, and I was like, well, there's a good chunk of guys here.
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Like I'm a guy, like I'm here.
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Doesn't that mean anything?
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And uh the longer the day went on, the more that topic got brought up, and the more I looked around, and I I went from feeling um frustrated or or defensive about it, to a different kind of mad because I looked around and I noticed the the male faces have dwindled, and there's not as many at the end of the day as as we started at the beginning of the day.
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And so I emailed my bar association president and I emailed the wings just general line saying, hey, I I want to be involved.
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I I gotta do something.
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But this was a line of work that that I fell in love with, and to not be in a courtroom in that capacity anymore, you know, there's a a void that I I feel for that.
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So this really spoke to me.
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I, you know, I believe it called to me.
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And um I I never stopped running after that.
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You know, they they responded right away, everyone responded right away, and we came up with different ways to, you know, come up with initiatives to to to work on that very issue, is is addressing getting men involved.
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Because it really was a moment where I had to step back and think about, you know, like why was I why was I upset at the beginning of the day?
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Um, why did I get so defensive about it?
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Because having seen how the day played out, and you know, hindsight being 2020, um, yeah, they were absolutely right to bring that up as much as they did.
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And clearly it worked.
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You know, I here I am today talking about this issue because it is something that needs to be discussed.
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And so over the last two years, one through Wings and one through my local bar association, I've I've given two separate presentations now on uh the importance of getting men involved.
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And I tell that story because I think it's important for people to understand you gotta you gotta hold yourself accountable before you can hold anyone else accountable.
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And understanding why I was defensive about it, and then understanding why they were so assertive in that message, it forced me to take that step back and say, you know, one or two guys in the room at the end of the day isn't enough.
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It's it's not enough.
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And this is an issue that transcends um everything.
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It's it's it's non-political, it's it's non-secular, it has it has nothing to do with you know preferences or cultural biases or anything like that.
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It is an issue that that transcends everything.
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And and it's about taking care of our people.
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It comes with taking care of our friends, our family, our our neighbors, our our kids, our friends' kids.
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People we don't know because you don't know what people are struggling with.
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And um, you know, unfortunately, I think that that we've you know lived in a society where this topic is not as heavily discussed, and there's aspects of it that have been normalized.
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So, you know, throughout the last two years, I've I've done a lot of research on it.
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I've talked to a lot of people, I've I've done, you know, my own soul searching to figure out what is the message that that I feel like we're missing and that I think that I can communicate uh to get people to be involved and to feel included.
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Um, and that's that's how we got here.
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That's that's how it started with with my career and then leaving that career and figuring out how can I still be of service to people, you know, having left the only way that I knew how to be of service to people.
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Why do you think men, there are so little men who I mean, there are for sure men who are involved in in the domestic violence community, but why do you think it's such a difficult concept or topic for men to feel that they should get involved with it?
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Because we don't talk about it.
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I I and I don't want to oversimplify it, but I I'm going to.
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Um we don't talk about it.
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No one is um, you know, screaming from the mountaintop it would be better.
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Um and and I do think again that we've we've developed and grown in a society where abuse and violence has been desensitized, you know, in in in entertainment.
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You can go back to old black and white uh westerns.
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You know, those those movies, those shorts, those shows mostly revolved around the big, tough uh uh cowboy that was of of little words but great strength, and a damsel in distress that was hog tied to a railroad track needing rescue.
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And if she said something out of line, well then she got a slap.
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And that was normal.
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It it was laughed at, it was brushed off as oh, she's she's crazy, and look at him, like knocking some sense into her.
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Like that's we we grew up with that.
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Generations have have grown up with that.
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So we don't talk about men's roles in in changing that dynamic.
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And it's gotten better over time, and and I I like the discussions about toxic masculinity because I think that that's important to address too.
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But I also think it's important to address that masculinity in and of itself is not inherently toxic, and it doesn't have to be toxic.
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And you could be a man of few words with great strength, that can use those few words with a powerful message.
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Um, I am not a man of few words.
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I I uh I talk a lot, and uh I hope I convey a lot when I when I speak because this is something that I think needs to be discussed more, and I think the idea of um men being vulnerable, being empathetic, being sympathetic is just having the surface being scratched in these kind of conversations.
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And um, you know, for me on a personal level, what I pride myself on in my career, which I have uh tried to carry over into my personal life, is that no matter where I go, I I I do think I'm the toughest person in the room.
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And I thought that because of the line of work that I did, standing up for victims, for their rights, um, for families that that you know wanted to be rectified, to be made whole, and to work with some families that could never be made whole because they lost a loved one.
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Um, or their their loved one was was so abused that they'll never be the same again.
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And um, you know, that made me feel strong standing up for those people.
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Um, but now I feel strong for a different reason, and that's because I I do feel comfortable addressing my own vulnerabilities, talking about what makes me a strong man, but what also makes me um not necessarily a weak man, but where my vulnerabilities lie and and the things that I know that can hurt me.
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And and I have learned over time through conversations with friends, with family, um, through through uh uh going to therapy is learning what those feelings are, what those those thoughts that you're having are, and how to communicate them.
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And so I I you know to answer the question in an incredibly long-winded way, I think it's because we're not talking about it.
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At the very least, we're not talking about it um enough in the way that we should.
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And I believe that the way that we should be talking about that is how to be a strong man while addressing your vulnerabilities.
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Okay.
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And like, so I mean, I imagine it would be intimidating looking around a room and seeing that you're one of two or three men left in this venue, but then taking that step to go ahead and be one of the men who wants to speak out.
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What difference do you think it makes for men to speak out?
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Do you think that it has an impact on other men, on the entire domestic violence community?
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I think it does.
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Okay.
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I mean, I do too.
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I yeah, I think I think it has a profound effect.
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Um because I I think for so long this issue has been predominantly discussed through women, through the through the eyes of what it's like to be a woman who's been abused, uh, a woman who's who's uh uh watch their child be abused.
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Um and we forget that uh those perspectives are the are the overwhelming majority of domestic abuse cases.
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You know, 86% of of domestic violence cases uh affect women and young children.
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But men are affected by it too.
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And I think some of that has those numbers, the way that they're they're uh existing, um, which is is you know, nobody's certainly not the victim's fault.
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But I think it it's made it hard for men to come forward and say, I'm a victim too, I've I've been abused, I've been hit because of the the same standard, you know, that the the cowboy standard, strong silent type.
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You have to be the strong silent type.
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And I think we're just getting to a point in our society where it's becoming more normalized for men to say, no, I've I've been on the receiving of end of that, and and I and I don't like it.
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I didn't like the way that that felt.
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Um, but they don't feel like they they have an outlet to do that.
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And if they do, it's uh it's you know kind of thin ice that they have to walk on.
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Um but I think when you you break down those walls and and I say this as someone um, you know, full disclosure, I have not suffered abuse.
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I I have not been abused, and I'm very fortunate for that.
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I I didn't grow up in a household um where that was uh a thing we had to be concerned about.
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Um I don't consider that in my day-to-day life, uh, you know, raising a hand or raising my voice to my wife or or my family.
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Um, you know, that's that's I'm very fortunate in that regard.
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But I will say this you do not have to be a victim, you do not have to be someone who has experience in this area, this subject matter, to speak out and to have an opinion and to have a voice.
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To me, yes, I have I have my career, I have you know the things that I do now uh with the groups that I'm involved with.
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But at the end of the day, I got started talking about this because I was just a guy in a room that got tired of not using my voice and and seeing a uh you know the group of men in that same room dwindle and dwindle and dwindle.
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I I got mad and you know, I hit a breaking point.
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And I think there's a lot of other men out there that are getting to that breaking point and they want to be good role models for their kids, they want to be good role models for their family.
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And I think when you when you do that, when you have those conversations between men, between men and women, um it it affects people to to to say, hey, I think I'm the strongest guy in the room.
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I think I'm the toughest guy in the room, but this cuts me deep, this cuts me deep, and this hurts me.
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That doesn't just cut me, it hurts me.
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But I'm still the toughest guy in the room because I put in the work to understand those things.
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And it's important for me to know and absorb how I felt because of that, and then try to make it as easy as I can for people that are going through those same experiences to say, hey, you're not alone in this.
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I've got you, I'm not gonna let you fail.
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We're not gonna let you fail.
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And I think the more we do that, and you have more men recognizing that it's okay to admit that your feelings were hurt.
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It's okay to admit that uh you're you're down, you're sad sometimes, or your reaction can't be uh to get angry and to get frustrated and take that out on other people.
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But having those conversations makes it a lot easier for people to relate to you.
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You know, it's empathy, it's sympathy, it's it's just relatability.
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It's taking care of your neighbor.
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And and I I think, you know, through the last two years, having the conversations that I've had with people, um, you know, I'm big on mentorship.
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I mentor um law students and young attorneys and uh, you know, men and women, and we have these talks.
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You know, we hey, law school was really hard today.
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Yeah, law school was really hard for me too.
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I had a really lousy time my first year and a half.
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It did not, it did not feel like a fun experience.
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You're not alone.
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And it goes the same for this, you know, just letting people know that you're not alone, letting men know you're not alone.
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Let's talk about it and let's let's problem solve.
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And then now we're we're helping everybody.
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Yeah.
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And it's you don't have to be a big speaker.
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You don't have to go on a podcast and have, you know, whatever conversation.
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It can be just the conversations within your group of people that allow men to start understanding that it is okay to talk about these things.
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And then on the flip side, you know, being a woman talking about domestic violence, and like you mentioned, it's prevalent with women being the victim and looking out and seeing other women you're talking to.
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And men aren't always abusers.
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Women can be abusers as well in either hetero or homosexual relationships, but it is disheartening because if men are the abusers, how are they getting there?
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How are other men not allowing it?
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But where is this tolerance?
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And I know you and I had a conversation before we we started recording where there's that whole locker room talk, and where there's that devaluing of women that can happen.
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And over time, does that build up into being More tolerant of abuse.
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And as a woman saying this, saying, okay, well, you're like, oh God, that girl's hot.
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Let me go grab her ass.
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And the buddy's like, yeah, go do it, go do it.
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And then, oh, the wife kind of, she got a little mouthy, so I had to smack her around a little bit and being okay with that too.
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It's, I say something like that.
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And men are looking at me like, you are way too sensitive and you are way overreacting.
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But to have men saying something similar, it has a completely different impact.
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How do you feel about all of that?
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I agree with you a million percent on that.
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Um, and I think that's why the conversations need to be have uh be need to be had.
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I'm sorry.
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You know, I I grew up in the the 90s and early 2000s, and and WWE was um white hot fire, and a lot of it was scantily clad women rolling around in in oil and and jello and mud and stuff, and that was the norm then.
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Nobody thought about it.
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But that's the the the way that entertainment escalated over time.
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You know, we went from the damsel in distress to, you know, now we're promoting these women and objectifying these women.
00:21:48.539 --> 00:21:57.180
Um, and you know, there I'm still a wrestling fan to this day, uh, but the product has changed and now you're seeing women being uplifted in different ways.
00:21:57.420 --> 00:22:00.619
And it's it's cool to see that evolution of it.
00:22:00.859 --> 00:22:14.380
But you know, when you're you're looking at at those instances of the locker room talk, um I don't know if it's if it's you know where I come from with my background, I grew up in an Italian household.
00:22:14.539 --> 00:22:18.380
You don't talk about my mother, you don't talk about my sister, you don't talk about my grandmother.
00:22:18.539 --> 00:22:22.380
You could say whatever you want about me, you're leaving the women in my life alone.
00:22:22.539 --> 00:22:24.700
Um, but I don't think that's unique to Italians.
00:22:24.779 --> 00:22:27.019
I think that's everybody.
00:22:27.500 --> 00:22:29.579
But I think it's it's as simple as that.
00:22:29.660 --> 00:22:39.660
When you if you're a man and you hear someone talking like that, and if your thought isn't, would you say that about my mom?
00:22:39.819 --> 00:22:41.259
Would you say that about my sister?
00:22:41.500 --> 00:22:43.900
Would you want someone saying that about your daughter?
00:22:44.299 --> 00:22:47.019
Is that how you want your daughter to be treated?
00:22:49.019 --> 00:22:51.420
Now you got some soul searching you gotta do.
00:22:53.819 --> 00:23:00.140
You don't, like you said, you don't you don't have to get on a podcast, you don't have to talk a lot about this.
00:23:01.099 --> 00:23:04.539
In those moments, you don't even have to speak up.
00:23:04.700 --> 00:23:06.220
You know, it's different for everybody else.
00:23:06.380 --> 00:23:11.900
I'm at a point in my life where I feel confident in saying don't don't talk like that.
00:23:12.140 --> 00:23:14.619
Don't especially don't talk like that in front of me.
00:23:15.099 --> 00:23:16.299
That's not for everybody.
00:23:16.380 --> 00:23:21.900
And I don't hold everyone to that standard because my experiences are my experience, and there's a reason I feel comfortable doing that.
00:23:22.059 --> 00:23:24.380
That's not the same for everybody else.
00:23:25.579 --> 00:23:27.980
Silence isn't always the answer.
00:23:28.539 --> 00:23:46.220
But if it's a one-on-one thing and someone's saying, you know, one of your buddies is saying something about a girl across the bar or in the restaurant or wherever it is that you're at and you don't like it, walking away, you know, if that's something you're comfortable with and being like, yeah, I'm kind of done for the night, that can be effective too.
00:23:46.460 --> 00:23:52.460
Now, staying silent as the behavior escalates and the talks escalate, that's a different story.
00:23:52.779 --> 00:24:02.059
But if you don't have the confidence or the feeling of safety and security to confront that person with that, there are other options that you could do.
00:24:02.220 --> 00:24:07.980
If you see another guy uh uh, you know, bothering a girl somewhere, bothering a woman somewhere.
00:24:08.220 --> 00:24:11.980
Um, you know, again, I grew up in the 90s and early 2000s.
00:24:12.059 --> 00:24:18.940
One of my biggest gripes that I have with my teachers was, uh, and I'm bad at math, don't get used to having a calculator all the time.
00:24:19.019 --> 00:24:19.900
You're not gonna have it.
00:24:19.980 --> 00:24:22.779
And now we walk around with supercomputers in our pockets.
00:24:23.019 --> 00:24:32.380
You can call 911, you could call 311, you could go up to bar staff, restaurant staff, store staff and say, hey, that guy's being a little aggressive with that girl.
00:24:32.539 --> 00:24:33.579
Keep an eye on him.
00:24:33.740 --> 00:24:35.900
Um, you know, there's other options that you could do.
00:24:35.980 --> 00:24:38.140
You don't always have to be the person that steps in.
00:24:38.299 --> 00:24:40.460
And I'm not always the person that steps in.
00:24:40.619 --> 00:24:52.539
You know, sometimes it is going to somebody that that has more resources than you do because they work at the place that you're at, or they, you know, own the place that you're at, the house that you're at, wherever it is.
00:24:52.700 --> 00:25:03.980
Um, but yeah, you know, there's there's locker room talk with the boys where if you want to rib on each other, uh and you know, poke jabs at each other, that's one thing.
00:25:04.299 --> 00:25:13.740
But once you you cross that line and you and you start objectifying men, women, you you you start, you know, kind of being loose with your morals.
00:25:14.220 --> 00:25:21.900
Um that's I think where you got to draw that line and any man and just say, not for me.
00:25:22.059 --> 00:25:24.299
Like, don't don't talk about that, you know.
00:25:24.460 --> 00:25:32.380
Um, and then hopefully they pick up on it, or hopefully the people around you pick up on it and they stand with you and they say, Yeah, man, that's not funny.
00:25:32.539 --> 00:25:35.099
That's not that's not an okay thing for you to say.
00:25:35.339 --> 00:25:42.539
Um, because you never know how many people are on your side until somebody finally speaks up and says something.
00:25:42.779 --> 00:25:50.779
And I get it, it's an intimidating thing to do, it's a scary thing to do because that room could turn on you.
00:25:52.059 --> 00:25:55.420
But that's why walking away is another good option.
00:25:55.579 --> 00:26:01.420
And like I said, uh silence isn't it gets to a point where silence can't be an option.
00:26:02.380 --> 00:26:18.700
But there are certainly circumstances where you can you can show your objection without having to be vocal or being overly assertive if you feel the situation is unsafe for yourself.
00:26:19.420 --> 00:26:19.740
Right.
00:26:19.900 --> 00:26:25.900
And I did want to point that out is because sometimes the situation can be unsafe and it can escalate.
00:26:26.059 --> 00:26:31.420
A lot of domestic violence, homicides don't always involve the primary victim.
00:26:31.579 --> 00:26:35.740
It can be bystanders or somebody who tries to intervene, law enforcement, even.
00:26:35.980 --> 00:26:38.940
So definitely like watch yourself.
00:26:39.099 --> 00:26:48.460
But that like you mentioned, there are so many resources that you can use if you are witnessing something that needs some sort of an intervention.
00:26:48.700 --> 00:26:56.779
Uh, another thing I wanted to say is, yeah, it's gonna suck if you if you take a stance and everybody is like, oh my God, what are you doing?
00:26:57.180 --> 00:26:58.779
You're way too sensitive.
00:26:58.940 --> 00:27:07.819
But then you think about that person who is being devalued or abused in front of you and what's going through their minds.
00:27:08.140 --> 00:27:22.859
And to see that there is whether it's somebody you know or somebody a stranger to see somebody sticking up for you, that might just give that person that little inkling of a push of I can get out of this.
00:27:23.019 --> 00:27:28.940
I don't have to stay like this, or that person recognizes what I'm going through is not okay too.
00:27:29.099 --> 00:27:30.460
It's not just in my mind.
00:27:30.619 --> 00:27:32.220
So it's a huge impact.
00:27:32.380 --> 00:27:39.180
Something very subtle that you can do can make a very, very huge impact on what happens with that person going forward.
00:27:39.420 --> 00:27:40.220
Yeah, absolutely.
00:27:40.380 --> 00:27:41.660
I can't agree with that more.
00:27:41.900 --> 00:27:45.420
You know, that's the that's the the great thing about that is everything happens for a reason.
00:27:45.500 --> 00:27:48.299
And I and I think this is uh a really great example of that.
00:27:48.700 --> 00:27:58.779
Earlier this week, a a very good friend of mine was um had some involvement at her work where someone was less than appropriate with her.
00:27:59.099 --> 00:28:03.900
And she was deciding what do I do with this?
00:28:04.220 --> 00:28:17.019
And she reached out to me and a couple other friends, and and you know, we sat down, we talked, we exchanged messages, and part of that conversation was you do what you gotta do.
00:28:17.339 --> 00:28:21.980
If you don't feel comfortable reporting it, we're still gonna have your back.
00:28:22.299 --> 00:28:25.900
But if you choose to report it, you're not alone.
00:28:26.940 --> 00:28:29.660
We're gonna have your back regardless of that.
00:28:29.740 --> 00:28:33.740
You know, we want you to report it, but you know, we're gonna stand by you.
00:28:34.059 --> 00:28:45.740
And what you're doing by by reporting this behavior is not only advantageous for yourself, but who knows how many other people you're helping along the way.
00:28:46.140 --> 00:29:04.380
And part of that conversation was, I think, impactful because doing the right thing, which is is some of the best advice that I got early on as a prosecutor, day one as a prosecutor, was Anthony, you know, your job is to do one thing and one thing only, and that's the right thing.
00:29:04.700 --> 00:29:10.859
And I believe in that to this day, that that's that's the role, the the obligation of that role.
00:29:11.019 --> 00:29:18.619
But I also think it's the obligation for us as as people, as members of the park communities, family members, uh everything, the society.
00:29:18.940 --> 00:29:24.859
Um doing the right thing though isn't always easy and it's scary.
00:29:25.420 --> 00:29:31.099
And it's scary because it's impactful.
00:29:32.380 --> 00:29:49.180
But once you you do the right thing and you take that step, you realize that the the people on the other side of it that are are engaging in that bad behavior, that that aggressive behavior, that gross talk, the lewd actions.
00:29:49.900 --> 00:29:51.980
Now the spotlight is turned on them.
00:29:52.859 --> 00:29:58.140
And everything that you were scared about gets turned on them.
00:29:58.299 --> 00:30:03.339
So now they have to be scared because now they're being held accountable for their actions.
00:30:03.500 --> 00:30:06.700
And to me, that's what makes you a hero.
00:30:06.940 --> 00:30:14.059
That's what makes you eligible to put your cape on, fly around the city, and find the other people that you want to try and help save.
00:30:14.220 --> 00:30:16.059
And it doesn't have to be a big thing.
00:30:16.220 --> 00:30:21.819
It could be as simple as someone says something inappropriate me to work at to me at work, and I'm gonna report it.
00:30:22.059 --> 00:30:33.259
To me, that makes you a hero because now you're potentially stopping that person from harassing and bothering and and and potentially escalating their behavior to someone else.
00:30:33.579 --> 00:30:38.700
And and I hope and pray that that's never the case, but the sad truth is that is the case.
00:30:38.859 --> 00:30:43.180
That is what happens when behavior doesn't go checked, it escalates.
00:30:43.500 --> 00:30:51.740
Um, you know, like you said, most household murders, uh, domestic violence murders, escalate over time.
00:30:52.299 --> 00:31:01.099
And um, I'm glad you brought that up because I actually pulled up the Illinois domestic violence statute, which I'm I am very familiar with.
00:31:01.259 --> 00:31:04.619
And it's it's someone commits the act of domestic violence if they now I gotta read it.
00:31:04.700 --> 00:31:05.819
I just said I know it so well.
00:31:05.900 --> 00:31:06.700
Now I gotta read it.
00:31:07.019 --> 00:31:08.940
That comes to me all the time.
00:31:09.900 --> 00:31:20.460
Um if he or she knowingly, without legal justification, by any means causes bodily harm to any family or household member or makes physical contact of insulting or provoking nature with any family or household member.
00:31:20.619 --> 00:31:25.259
And it escalates, you know, depending on the the level of of um the offense.
00:31:25.339 --> 00:31:30.460
You know, this is the misdemeanor statue for it, the felony charge goes up and up and up with different categories for it.
00:31:30.619 --> 00:31:42.059
But what people don't realize is that domestic violence is the answer to the equation of what happens when domestic abuse goes unchecked.
00:31:42.380 --> 00:31:48.940
Because domestic violence, domestic abuse rather, is not exclusively domestic violence.
00:31:49.339 --> 00:31:55.259
And when you get to the violent aspect of it, the abuse has been escalated.
00:31:56.059 --> 00:31:58.220
It starts with why isn't dinner ready?
00:31:58.460 --> 00:32:00.619
Uh, why isn't the house clean?
00:32:00.859 --> 00:32:02.940
Uh I don't want to go there with those people.
00:32:03.180 --> 00:32:04.539
Why do you talk to those people?
00:32:04.700 --> 00:32:07.259
No, I I'm not gonna give you money to pay for that.
00:32:07.500 --> 00:32:13.339
Um, it's your it's your job, you know, it's it's we're married, you know, we have to go to the bedroom now.
00:32:13.500 --> 00:32:16.140
You know, it escalates.
00:32:16.220 --> 00:32:22.539
There's different forms of abuse, and violence is the worst part of it because that's where we lose people.
00:32:22.779 --> 00:32:29.579
And I'll tell you now, and I won't speak for everyone in law enforcement, but I'll speak for for uh you know my experience in it.
00:32:29.819 --> 00:32:41.900
The most horrifying cases, all of the grenades, every DV case that came through, you know, you had to worry about what is the potential of this exploding and turning into something worse.
00:32:42.220 --> 00:32:48.859
And that's the sad facts about it is that once you get to that stage, it's already really, really bad.
00:32:48.940 --> 00:32:52.299
And those people have been going through some really, really bad things.
00:32:52.460 --> 00:32:57.660
And it's because we're not talking about it to stop getting those messages across.
00:32:57.819 --> 00:32:59.500
Like, don't talk about that girl that way.
00:32:59.579 --> 00:33:01.259
Don't talk about that woman that way.
00:33:01.420 --> 00:33:05.660
Don't, you know, go up and think you just, you know, grab her by the arm and say, hey, can I buy you a drink?
00:33:05.819 --> 00:33:07.180
It's not okay behavior.
00:33:07.259 --> 00:33:15.259
And if you don't check that, we we end up in an incredibly worse position.
00:33:15.740 --> 00:33:16.059
Right.
00:33:16.380 --> 00:33:23.660
I mean, one of the tactics abusers have is to isolate their victims and surround themselves by people who support them.
00:33:23.819 --> 00:33:36.619
Well, if they start losing their support, if they actually in turn become isolated because of their behavior, it doesn't necessarily mean it's going to stop the abuse, but maybe it'll slow it down.
00:33:36.859 --> 00:33:40.700
Or, you know, because honestly, I think abusers are just going to abuse.
00:33:40.859 --> 00:33:51.180
For the most part, I don't know that there's an external factor that they wouldn't have abused if this piece, if they weren't, you know, using drugs, if they weren't drunk.
00:33:51.339 --> 00:33:53.980
That's inherently it's in them already.
00:33:54.220 --> 00:34:03.019
But, you know, maybe it'll give that victim a chance to get out or a chance to recognize what's happening to them.
00:34:03.259 --> 00:34:15.980
So yeah, I mean, they they isolate their victims, isolate the abusers and, you know, give support to the victims by walking away, by not tolerating that kind of behavior.
00:34:16.300 --> 00:34:17.180
Yeah, I agree.
00:34:17.420 --> 00:34:25.420
That's I think one of the biggest issues we face is preventing, which I don't know how you prevent the isolation.
00:34:25.659 --> 00:34:35.420
Um, I I don't know how as someone not in the household or in the relationship that that you can, you know, fully prevent that from the outside.
00:34:35.659 --> 00:34:43.980
But what you can do is provide options, um, you know, little things, little check-ins, text messages, phone calls.
00:34:44.059 --> 00:34:46.460
They don't have to be long, they don't have to be in depth.
00:34:46.860 --> 00:34:51.340
But to to let people know that they have a safe space, that they have options.
00:34:51.739 --> 00:35:13.500
Um you know, I I've had plenty of conversations over, you know, my career, um, both, you know, as a professional and in my personal life, um to talk about what do you have going on?
00:35:14.219 --> 00:35:15.900
Is everything okay at home?
00:35:16.699 --> 00:35:17.980
Do you need anything?
00:35:18.619 --> 00:35:20.619
I just want to make sure everyone's okay.
00:35:21.579 --> 00:35:23.420
And they're never easy.
00:35:25.019 --> 00:35:31.820
It always feels messy, it always feels like you're you're you know, running against the brick wall.
00:35:32.300 --> 00:36:07.099
But the one time that someone opens up and you know, even even if it doesn't get them fully out of the the situation that they're in, the the the relationship that they're in, for at the very least, you know, a couple minutes, you gave that person relief to feel safe, to let them know that there's there's an option out there, that there's a a place that you can go, a number that you could call, and hopefully that snowballs the same way that the cycle of abuse snowballs.
00:36:07.260 --> 00:36:27.659
Hopefully that cycle of contact and communication snowballs into a bigger option for them to explore the other options to get out, to call, you know, the wings hotline, to call the domestic violence hotline, um, to call family shelter services, you know, whatever your options are, to call friends, families, like, hey, I gotta get out of here.
00:36:28.059 --> 00:36:31.260
He's going to work, and I gotta, you know, he or she's going to work, and I got to get out of here.
00:36:31.420 --> 00:36:32.940
I got to pack the kids up and go.
00:36:33.179 --> 00:36:41.659
You know, those, those, those environments exist and and they're real and they're happening right now while you and I are talking.
00:36:41.900 --> 00:36:55.900
And I think that's the only way that you take steps in solving might not be the right word, but correcting the path that that people are on, that families have been on, um, you know, for as long as any of us can remember.
00:36:56.380 --> 00:37:04.619
And again I take it all back to to communication, just to letting people know you're not alone.
00:37:04.860 --> 00:37:05.739
You're not alone.
00:37:05.900 --> 00:37:09.340
Um, and like I said, you know, before, you don't have to have a lot of experience.
00:37:09.659 --> 00:37:14.860
You don't have to have any experience in this to just say that's not behavior that I accept.
00:37:15.099 --> 00:37:18.539
And and I'm not okay with this person being treated this way.
00:37:18.860 --> 00:37:22.699
So, hey, here's here's a number you could call.
00:37:23.099 --> 00:37:25.099
I'm I probably can't see it off camera.
00:37:25.179 --> 00:37:29.340
Here's a number you could call and slide over a business card or whatever it is.
00:37:29.579 --> 00:37:31.340
Um, you know, anything.
00:37:31.820 --> 00:37:32.539
Do anything.
00:37:32.619 --> 00:37:37.340
It's it's I I know these are really broad and general statements, and it's not, it doesn't seem very insightful at all.
00:37:37.579 --> 00:37:45.019
But I I think the more that you just talk to people to to have those conversations and and let them know uh you're not alone.
00:37:45.340 --> 00:37:50.219
Um it goes a long way and it breaks people out of that cycle.
00:37:50.699 --> 00:37:50.940
Right.
00:37:51.099 --> 00:37:56.139
I mean, these are very subtle things, but the thing is, subtlety can be profound.
00:37:56.380 --> 00:38:13.179
And uh, you know, to be in a relationship where your reality is twisted and truth is being completely distorted and you're believing that you deserve this kind of abuse, or this is how you know everyone else is treated, this is how just how relationships are.
00:38:13.260 --> 00:38:16.539
But then to see someone else saying, no, that's not okay.
00:38:16.780 --> 00:38:21.980
That's not how you're supposed to be treated, that can be, like I said, so so profound.
00:38:22.139 --> 00:38:33.900
And I'm glad you mentioned numbers because I do want to take that transition to to start talking about wings and sure, you know, what what that organization is, what they do, and the impact.
00:38:35.099 --> 00:38:37.340
Wings is phenomenal.
00:38:37.579 --> 00:38:44.300
Uh, truly some of the the most incredible people with the biggest hearts that I've ever come across.
00:38:44.460 --> 00:38:51.900
Um, for anyone that's interested, that's listening, you can you can find their website at wingsprogram.com.
00:38:52.219 --> 00:39:09.260
Specifically, one thing that I think is important for people that are either going through abuse, know someone that's being abused, or if you're you're looking to get involved, they have a page, wingsprogram.com slash understanding dash domestic dash violence.
00:39:09.900 --> 00:39:20.699
And that takes you through a little bit of what I talked about today regarding the the um the escalation of domestic abuse and the different forms of it, but they offer a variety of things.
00:39:20.780 --> 00:39:22.619
So it's not just a shelter service.
00:39:22.860 --> 00:39:37.500
Wings has resale shops, you know, where we're people that have limited means and that have been struggling, that are going through uh the ringer with their their relationships, they could buy clothes, they could buy furniture, uh, they have safe houses.
00:39:37.659 --> 00:39:42.539
And the safe houses are open to men, women, children, and pets.
00:39:42.699 --> 00:39:50.219
There are certain limitations there, but primarily everyone for the most part is welcome under the wig's roof there.
00:39:50.380 --> 00:40:10.780
They're also doing extensive work in not just providing resources for people that are uh suffering domestic abuse, but they are actively researching different ways to not only address the problem, but address the problems that are being caused by the bigger problem.
00:40:11.019 --> 00:40:15.019
So one of their big initiatives right now is addressing traumatic brain injuries.
00:40:15.099 --> 00:40:23.019
Um, and I think that's an immensely, immensely important thing for everyone to be talking about, specifically areas of law enforcement.
00:40:23.659 --> 00:40:37.099
And and prosecution because on a national football level, uh national sports, professional sports, uh the quarterback goes down, it goes immediately into concussion protocol.
00:40:37.659 --> 00:40:41.900
No one's asking the quarterback what are the last six plays you ran?
00:40:43.980 --> 00:40:46.860
No one's asking that question to to those guys.
00:40:47.179 --> 00:40:48.619
Um because we all saw it.
00:40:49.340 --> 00:40:56.460
You know, you see you see the guy go down, is he's he's tensed up, he's not moving, oh my god, it's you know a terrifying moment to see.
00:40:57.260 --> 00:41:08.300
But when a domestic violence victim, you can't remember how many times did he punch you in the head, how long did he strangle you for, how long did you lose consciousness for?
00:41:08.699 --> 00:41:12.619
And maybe that's a a a a too big of an exaggeration to make there.
00:41:12.699 --> 00:41:17.980
I don't think it is, but for the sake of the argument, even how many times did he did he hit you?
00:41:18.219 --> 00:41:18.940
Did she hit you?
00:41:19.179 --> 00:41:20.059
Did they hit you?
00:41:20.699 --> 00:41:21.579
I don't remember.
00:41:21.980 --> 00:41:23.579
And you got a big welt on your head.
00:41:23.739 --> 00:41:41.820
Where we're gonna are we gonna say that there's a lack of evidence there that we're not gonna, you know, there's there she's not credible, he's not credible because there's a a memory lapse there because either they're lying or maybe they've suffered a traumatic brain injury or any kind of brain injury that's affected their short-term memory.
00:41:42.860 --> 00:41:43.820
That's a huge issue.
00:41:43.900 --> 00:41:47.260
And that's something that Wings is is tackling head on.
00:41:47.500 --> 00:41:49.900
And it's incredible, incredible to see that.
00:41:49.980 --> 00:41:54.380
And I and I think that's gonna make a world of difference in how cases are investigated and prosecuted.
00:41:54.539 --> 00:41:59.340
And I think it's gonna change the way that victims are treated in hospitals and you know, in safe houses.
00:41:59.500 --> 00:41:59.659
Yeah.
00:41:59.739 --> 00:42:02.699
So anyone that's interested in WINGS, please check out their website.
00:42:02.860 --> 00:42:05.019
You can feel free to contact me too.
00:42:05.099 --> 00:42:06.699
I'll give you my contact information.
00:42:06.860 --> 00:42:09.340
But yeah, wings, wings program.com.
00:42:09.420 --> 00:42:10.699
That's the place to find them.
00:42:11.099 --> 00:42:26.619
Yeah, memory loss is a very common thing with abuse victims because of traumatic brain injury, strangulation, and and sometimes it's even just the psychological effect of being verbally, emotionally abused for so long.
00:42:26.940 --> 00:42:31.099
It's uh your brain, it goes into uh self-preservation mode.
00:42:31.179 --> 00:42:33.019
You know, it's it's trying to survive.
00:42:33.099 --> 00:42:34.300
You're trying to survive.
00:42:34.460 --> 00:42:37.019
So that's really great that they're they're looking into that.
00:42:37.179 --> 00:42:41.820
I like that you use the football analogy because I know you're in Chicago.
00:42:41.900 --> 00:42:42.940
I don't know if you're a Chicago fan.
00:42:43.019 --> 00:42:43.980
I'm a Packers fan.
00:42:44.059 --> 00:42:52.460
So I immediately I thought of Jordan Love and his uh two weeks of concussion protocol.
00:42:52.699 --> 00:43:01.019
But um, and I guess for listeners uh listening, we are going, we are recording the day before um the big playoff game.
00:43:04.300 --> 00:43:07.980
This is a huge my kids are asking, they're like, why is this such a big deal?
00:43:08.059 --> 00:43:11.260
I'm like, this to me might be more important than the Super Bowl.
00:43:11.739 --> 00:43:12.619
This is the Super Bowl.
00:43:12.860 --> 00:43:19.659
Yeah, they beat us once that's not supposed to happen, that hasn't, that rarely happens.
00:43:19.900 --> 00:43:23.579
So um, you know, you guys have a better record.
00:43:24.300 --> 00:43:26.059
It's gonna be a big game.
00:43:26.139 --> 00:43:29.179
I'm trying to decide if I watch it with people or not.
00:43:29.420 --> 00:43:31.179
I might be better off not watching.
00:43:31.579 --> 00:43:34.539
I'm not even willing to talk about the game because I don't want to jinx it.
00:43:34.619 --> 00:43:37.659
I don't want to give my thoughts, I don't want to wish for anything.
00:43:37.820 --> 00:43:40.059
I just hope both teams have a good time.
00:43:41.500 --> 00:43:42.059
Right.
00:43:42.940 --> 00:43:44.219
I'm sure that's it.
00:43:44.460 --> 00:43:45.579
Yeah, exactly.
00:43:45.820 --> 00:43:47.019
I'm sure that's it.
00:43:47.420 --> 00:43:55.820
Um, um, I do want to get into like your contact information, but is before we do, is there anything that you think we missed?
00:43:56.059 --> 00:43:58.139
Any topics that we didn't touch on?
00:43:58.619 --> 00:44:00.300
Um no, I don't think so.
00:44:00.460 --> 00:44:00.780
Yeah.
00:44:01.099 --> 00:44:01.340
Okay.
00:44:01.420 --> 00:44:02.699
I think we covered a lot of ground.
00:44:02.860 --> 00:44:04.699
I think this is a really good conversation.
00:44:05.019 --> 00:44:15.420
So, okay, so how do you you did mention the Wings website, but if you can do that again, and then any other contact information that you want to throw out there for people to either get in touch with you or Wings.
00:44:16.380 --> 00:44:16.860
Absolutely.
00:44:16.940 --> 00:44:17.179
Yeah.
00:44:17.260 --> 00:44:24.860
So the the Wings website, uh, which I really do encourage you know all the listeners here uh to take a look at is wingsprogram.com.
00:44:25.019 --> 00:44:33.980
That's uh the best way to see you know everything that Wings has to offer there, uh, event pages, newsletters, how to volunteer, how to get involved, their hotline numbers.
00:44:34.139 --> 00:44:37.340
Um, if they if you want to donate, there's there's ways to donate on there.
00:44:37.500 --> 00:44:51.900
Um if you want to contact me specifically, you can get me at Pasquini, common spelling, P-A-S-Q-U-I-N-I, L A W at gmail.com, Pasquini Law at gmail.com.
00:44:52.059 --> 00:44:56.699
I'm also on Facebook, Anthony Pasquini, and and LinkedIn, Anthony Pasquini as well.
00:44:56.780 --> 00:45:08.139
I'm happy to talk to anybody about how to get involved in the movement, anyone that's going through it and you know just needs a you just need a sounding board and a little bit of direction, I'm I'm happy to do that as well.
00:45:08.380 --> 00:45:13.659
But uh yeah, wingsprogram.com and uh pasquini law at gmail.com.
00:45:14.219 --> 00:45:15.099
Okay, perfect.
00:45:15.340 --> 00:45:23.820
And so do you have any lasting words of encouragement or wisdom that you would like to leave with listeners today?
00:45:24.139 --> 00:45:25.340
Certainly encouragement.
00:45:25.420 --> 00:45:30.219
I don't know a lot about wisdom, so um hopefully, hopefully a little bit of both.
00:45:30.380 --> 00:45:42.139
But for for anyone out there that's listening, that's going through it, um man, woman, you know, like we talked about, you know, at the beginning and it pretty much through this whole thing, this is an issue that transcends everything.
00:45:42.380 --> 00:45:50.380
And if you're having a hard time, if you're you're having a hard time vocalizing what it is that you're feeling, uh, you're not alone.
00:45:50.539 --> 00:46:07.179
Um if you're a man out there who feels like you're not being heard and you've got things that you want to say, or you're tired of, you know, you're a guy like me who's just sitting in a room and realizing, oh my God, there's not enough people doing anything, you're not alone.
00:46:07.420 --> 00:46:13.420
We're not curing cancer, we're not building rock and chips, we're taking care of each other.
00:46:13.739 --> 00:46:21.820
And little things like having conversations, little things like checking in on your neighbors, checking in on your family, checking in on your friends.
00:46:22.139 --> 00:46:28.699
And you know, if you've got the confidence and the courage and the ability to speak up when you see something, great.
00:46:29.420 --> 00:46:35.579
And if you you're you know not at that point yet, but you know you gotta do something, that's great too.
00:46:35.739 --> 00:46:37.340
So, you know, you're not alone.
00:46:37.579 --> 00:46:49.820
There are things that you have going on out there, and most importantly, I I think collectively we all just want to see each other do well and to feel loved and to feel cared for and to feel protected.
00:46:49.900 --> 00:46:58.380
You know, that's that's what we all want, is a safe place for us all to be able to lay our heads at night, watch our kids grow up and do well, um, watch the Bears beat the Packers.
00:46:58.619 --> 00:47:07.420
And but but really the to just to see everyone succeed and and and feel safe and be happy.
00:47:07.579 --> 00:47:09.500
So um, you know, you're not alone.
00:47:09.659 --> 00:47:13.340
If there's anything that I can do to help out, I I will certainly do my best.
00:47:13.579 --> 00:47:18.219
But if you're going through it, please know that you're not alone and that there's options out there.
00:47:18.860 --> 00:47:19.579
Well, thank you.
00:47:19.739 --> 00:47:22.460
That was very well said, minus the bears thing.
00:47:22.699 --> 00:47:26.539
Um, I really appreciate everything you're doing.
00:47:26.619 --> 00:47:31.579
I appreciate the work Wings is doing, you using your voice to speak out.
00:47:31.739 --> 00:47:39.340
It's so incredibly courageous and it's really, really appreciated as you know, a woman, a survivor.
00:47:39.900 --> 00:47:44.780
It's heartwarming and it's um it's I don't know, it's it's hopeful.
00:47:44.860 --> 00:47:53.739
It gives a lot of hope to understand that there are people out there that didn't have a personal experience with it, but that are willing to take the stance against domestic violence.
00:47:53.820 --> 00:47:57.019
So I really appreciate everything you're doing and for coming on today.
00:47:57.340 --> 00:47:59.900
Well, thank you, and I appreciate the opportunity for being here.
00:48:00.219 --> 00:48:01.820
All right, and go pack.
00:48:04.940 --> 00:48:07.340
Thank you again, Anthony, for joining me today.
00:48:07.420 --> 00:48:09.500
And thank you, Warriors, for listening.
00:48:09.659 --> 00:48:15.179
I've included the links Anthony was referring to as well as his one in three profile in the show notes.
00:48:15.340 --> 00:48:18.460
I will be back next week with another episode for you.
00:48:18.619 --> 00:48:25.739
Until then, stay strong, and wherever you are in your journey, always remember you are not alone.
00:48:29.260 --> 00:48:36.139
Find more information, register as a guest, or leave a review by going to the website one in threepodcast.com.
00:48:36.300 --> 00:48:40.699
That's the number one, I and the number three podcast.com.
00:48:40.940 --> 00:48:45.659
Follow one in three on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at one and three podcast.
00:48:45.900 --> 00:48:49.980
To help me out, please remember to rate review and subscribe.
00:48:50.139 --> 00:48:52.860
One in three is a.5 Pinoy production.
00:48:53.179 --> 00:48:55.980
Music written and performed by Tim Crow.
