Oct. 1, 2024
“Worst Ex Ever” Highlights Domestic Abuse: Survivor Stories and Lessons Learned I Ep. 39
What happens when societal judgment and systemic failures leave survivors of domestic violence isolated and unheard? In this episode of the 1 in 3 Podcast, Ingrid examines the stories featured in Netflix’s Worst Ex Ever, highlighting the immense courage it takes to escape abusive relationships and rebuild a life.
Through these narratives, we explore:
- The legal and systemic obstacles survivors often face
- Emotional resilience required to survive and thrive
- The ongoing impact of trauma and societal judgment
- The importance of support networks, empathy, and advocacy
- How media representation can raise awareness and spark action
🎧 Key Takeaways:
- Understanding the complex realities of domestic abuse
- Legal and emotional challenges survivors encounter
- Empowerment strategies for survivors and allies
- Building awareness around systemic gaps and protections
- Inspiring stories of resilience and courage
This episode emphasizes that survivors are not alone and that increased legal protections, empathy, and education are vital for preventing further harm and supporting recovery.
Sources:
“Worst Ex Ever” A Netflix Documentary Series (2024)
https://www.1800respect.org.au/legal-abuse
https://bmcpregnancychildbirth.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12884-016-1122-6
https://www.healthline.com/health/coercive-control#isolation
1 in 3 is intended for mature audiences. Episodes contain explicit content and may be triggering to some.
If you are in the United States and need help right now, call the national domestic violence hotline at 800-799-7233 or text the word “start” to 88788.
Contact 1 in 3:
- Send your emails to 1in3podcast@gmail.com
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- Check out the website https://www.1in3podcast.com/
Thank you for listening!
Cover art by Laura Swift Dahlke
Music by Tim Crowe
00:00 - Spotlight on Domestic Violence Cases
15:48 - Resources and Support for Survivors
WEBVTT
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Hi Warriors, welcome to 1 in 3.
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I'm your host, ingrid.
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October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and I have a lot in store for you going forward.
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I'm taking a different approach today and in doing so, hope to get a lot of judgments and misconceptions related to victims cleared up.
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So let's get into it.
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I recently watched Netflix's docuseries Worst Ex Ever.
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I initially thought I should do an episode on Ben Foster, the perpetrator in the first episode, but then I honestly thought why.
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Netflix did a superb job with their interviews.
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Each episode is told by the victims, families and law enforcement directly involved.
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So instead of delivering a most likely subpar version, I decided to discuss key points that stood out to me in the four episode series.
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I think saying this podcast episode contains spoilers doesn't sound right and feels sort of callous.
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The docuseries covers the true events that happened to actual people.
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I will be mentioning incidents that happened, but will avoid telling the entire story.
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If you prefer watch the series first, then come back to this.
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Netflix does give a disclaimer, but please keep in mind the stories may be triggering to some.
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Episode 1 chronicles the lives of three women who were abused by one man, spanning from June 2012 to January 2023.
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Amber's relationship with Ben parallels nearly every domestic violence relationship Charming, charismatic abuser love bombs their partner.
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The eventual true character surfaces as abuse begins and becomes more evident.
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There are a few items in this episode that got my attention.
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Amber filed charges against Ben when he first physically assaulted her.
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He was arrested and sentenced to domestic violence, counseling and community service.
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He was free in just a few months.
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He stalked her and attacked again.
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She escaped and 911 was called by those assisting her.
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By the time the police got to the home, ben had cleaned up, injured himself and told a story of how Amber attacked him.
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She was arrested and remained in jail for 18 hours, even though a simple search would have revealed Ben already had a record of domestic violence.
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Amber's case was eventually dismissed After some time had passed.
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Ben apologized via text.
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He mentioned he was in therapy and wanted to apologize in person for closure.
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Amber agreed because she felt bad for him.
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Yes, she felt bad for him.
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This comment really hit home for me.
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Despite the abuse we were subjected to, there is still something inside some of us that feels empathy toward that person.
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I'm not saying that's a bad thing.
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In fact, I'm proud that part of me wasn't destroyed but that empathy can make one susceptible to being harmed again.
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Ben and Amber began to talk and hang out until he did attack her once more.
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This time he strangled her until she lost consciousness.
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I know I bring these statistics up a lot, but with strangulation, a victim has a 750% increased risk of being killed by their abuser within one year.
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82% of police homicides are committed by someone who has a strangulation history.
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Amber didn't stick around to find out what would happen in a year.
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The state actually pressed charges and everyone awaited a trial to be announced.
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Meanwhile, ben moved on to his next victim, jamie.
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As Ben's abuse escalated with her, jamie mentions she was too embarrassed to tell anyone.
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Okay, guys, this is one reason victims stay.
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It is embarrassing.
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How is one supposed to first admit to themselves they are being abused, and therefore a victim, then secondly confide in others?
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The level of judgment that can be put on the victim is disgusting.
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How did you let that happen?
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What did you do to make them act that way?
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That judgment alone keeps people from talking about what is going on, which means they have no resources to fall back on.
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They have nowhere to go.
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Getting back to Jamie's story brings about another reason victims don't leave.
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Frankly, it's the lack of faith in the legal system.
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She filed a restraining order and was told the police would knock on the door to her home that Ben was living in.
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If he didn't answer, they would simply post the paperwork on the door.
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She asked if they could at least escort her in to collect her belongings.
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They said they don't do that.
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What she asked if they could at least escort her in to collect her belongings.
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They said they don't do that.
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What?
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This was 2018, just six years ago.
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So now tell me, how likely would you be to file this piece of paper?
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That will only piss off your abuser even more.
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You won't be given any layer of protection.
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Well, ben didn't answer, answer and the paper was posted.
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Jamie was too exhausted and had nowhere else to go.
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She went inside and fell asleep, only to awaken later with Ben on top of her.
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After being held hostage for days, jamie escaped.
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She was taken to the hospital in the car of a stranger.
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Here's a positive I want to highlight In both Jamie and Amber's situations they, at one point, found themselves in the car of a stranger, a helpful individual that offered their own vehicle as a place of refuge.
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Now, I'm not advocating to just let any stranger into your vehicle that obviously could be dangerous.
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But if you see something, say something, do something.
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At minimum, call for help.
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While in the emergency department, jamie reluctantly gives her report to the police.
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I say reluctantly because she was afraid the police would not be able to protect her.
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Ben was arrested and stood trial for the combined cases of Jamie and Amber.
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Jamie was too traumatized, understandably, to attend the trial.
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The DA stated that without a victim physically present, the charges of first-degree kidnapping, battery, domestic violence and strangulation would not stand.
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It wouldn't stand despite the police reports, hospital records and photographs documenting her shaved head, two black eyes, seven broken ribs and multiple lacerations.
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Here's another fear.
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Victims don't want to be, can't be, shouldn't have to be re-victimized, sitting in the same room as their abuser, reliving their trauma while getting interrogated by the defense.
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Ben was able to plead guilty to lesser charges.
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He was sentenced to a maximum of 30 months and was given credit for time previously served.
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He was released in 2021.
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This brings us to Ben's next victim, justine.
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She didn't know him very long and, because of some questionable behavior, googled him.
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She found his record and reported it to their boss.
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Ben was fired and took it out on Justine.
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He held her hostage, beat and tortured her to the point of near death.
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She was found by a friend just in time.
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A manhunt commenced With the national coverage of the search.
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An acquaintance of Jamie contacted her to apologize for not believing her claims of abuse until there was a third victim.
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I'm going to end discussion of this episode here and move on to episode two.
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This episode follows Eric's abuse by his wife, rosa.
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Yes, you guys, men can be victims of domestic violence, and not just in gay relationships.
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How on earth can that even happen?
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Men are usually bigger than women, and in Eric and Rose's case that was true.
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So how did a man who possessed a dominant stature become the victim of a petite woman?
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Manipulation, emotional abuse, add sense of duty, commitment and fear of religious repercussions to that list.
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The two had a child together, which worsened the situation.
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Rosa used their daughter in attempts to control Eric even more.
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Thankfully, the legal system got it right this time.
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Eric eventually was given 100% custody.
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The story doesn't end there, though.
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Rose's behavior escalated, and while each of these stories are tragic, this one had a particularly heartbreaking ending.
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Episode 3 details a relationship that involves manipulating the legal system to thwart the true victim's attempt to receive justice.
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I hope that's not too confusing, but I don't plan on detailing this episode any further.
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I just want to highlight the fact that legal abuse most certainly can be a form of domestic abuse.
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I'm going to take a minute to discuss this a bit more only because this form of abuse is not as widely recognized.
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Legal or litigation abuse is defined as using the law or legal system to control or intimidate.
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There are a few ways this can be done, such as deliberately causing delays in court proceedings, using legal threats, destroying legal documents, not following court orders or, as in this case, making false reports to the police or court.
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And finally, this brings us to episode four.
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Again, this relationship follows the typical domestic violence timeline Love bombing and subtle changes which make the victim question if their behavior is the cause of abuse.
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Another important characteristic of abusers is moving the relationship at a fast pace.
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Amber and Kevin moved in together and were married early.
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Within their relationship, the subtle changes that surfaced included emotional abuse, jealousy and controlling behavior.
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Amber became miserable but was told marriage is hard.
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Try to make it work.
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You guessed it.
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This is yet another reason why victims stay Then years and three children later, kevin suddenly punched Amber in the face.
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And three children later, kevin suddenly punched Amber in the face.
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She chose not to press charges.
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Why, well, this was the first instance of physical abuse.
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She was concerned of what her children would think when they eventually learned their father had a record.
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She wanted him to remain a part of their lives because he was a good dad.
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You guys, this is a common misconception by victims.
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Good dads or moms don't hurt the mother or father of their children Ever.
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Let me interject here with a few more facts.
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There is a greater risk of domestic violence from a partner during pregnancy and up to two years following birth.
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That's a tough pill to swallow.
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Another fact is that it takes a victim of domestic violence an average of seven times of leaving and returning before they stay gone for good.
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This wasn't the case for Amber, because she immediately left and filed for divorce.
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Fact time again and this is an important one the most dangerous time in a domestic violence relationship is when the victim decides to leave.
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The previous imbalance of power in the relationship suddenly shifts.
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The abuser will resort to any tactic in order to regain control over their victim.
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Any tactic, the violence and aggression can escalate to murder, and the primary victim may not be the only casualty.
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I'm not going to get into any more details of the tragedy that unfolds, because I would rather focus on other points.
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Domestic violence can leave victims reeling over what happened to change their partner's behavior.
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Was it something they did?
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Did something happen to their partner, or were they a monster all along?
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Do they know they're a monster or do they really believe otherwise?
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Can they?
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Did they truly change?
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Here's the thing.
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Don't waste any more brain space on trying to figure them out.
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Focus on yourself and your own healing, and that's what Amber did.
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One of my favorite silver linings in covering these horrific stories is the good that can happen.
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Victims can survive, survivors can thrive, and some survivors take it a step further and advocate those warriors carry the torch in attempts to make the path to survive and recover clearer, easier and better for other victims, amber was able to get a bill passed in the state of Washington that includes coercive control and the definition of domestic violence.
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Coercive control is illegal in other countries and has been in the United Kingdom since 2015.
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It is not illegal in the United States, though.
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Coercive control is basically utilization of other forms of abuse or tactics in order to exert control over a victim.
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I want to leave you with one parting thought.
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It's important to note that as you watch this docuseries if you do you're already identifying that there's a bad guy in the story.
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The way the interviews are conducted and the timeline presented make it very easy to discern who that person is.
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You are able to watch forming judgments and feeling empathy appropriately In real time, though that is often not the case.
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So go forward in this month designed to raise awareness in domestic violence and educate yourself.
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Recognize the signs of abuse, show grace to those who are struggling to survive, support the victims, even though you understand they may not leave or they may go back Better yet, become an advocate.
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Thank you for listening.
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Sources for today can be found in the show notes.
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I will be back later this week with another episode for you.
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Until then, stay strong and, wherever you are in your journey, always remember you are not alone.
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Find more information, register as a guest or leave a review by going to the website 1in3podcastcom.
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That's the number 1-I-N-3podcastcom.
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Follow 1in3 on Instagram, facebook and Twitter at 1in3podcast.
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To help me out, please remember to rate, review and subscribe.
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1 in 3 is a .5 Pinoy production Music written and performed by Tim Crow.
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©.
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Transcript Emily Beynon.
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