Oct. 1, 2024

“Worst Ex Ever” Highlights Domestic Abuse: Survivor Stories and Lessons Learned I Ep. 39

Apple Podcasts podcast player badge
Spotify podcast player badge
YouTube podcast player badge
Amazon Music podcast player badge
iHeartRadio podcast player badge
Deezer podcast player badge
PlayerFM podcast player badge
Podcast Addict podcast player badge
Podchaser podcast player badge
PocketCasts podcast player badge
Castro podcast player badge
Castbox podcast player badge
Apple Podcasts podcast player iconSpotify podcast player iconYouTube podcast player iconAmazon Music podcast player iconiHeartRadio podcast player iconDeezer podcast player iconPlayerFM podcast player iconPodcast Addict podcast player iconPodchaser podcast player iconPocketCasts podcast player iconCastro podcast player iconCastbox podcast player icon

What happens when societal judgment and systemic failures leave survivors of domestic violence isolated and unheard? In this episode of the 1 in 3 Podcast, Ingrid examines the stories featured in Netflix’s Worst Ex Ever, highlighting the immense courage it takes to escape abusive relationships and rebuild a life.

Through these narratives, we explore:

  • The legal and systemic obstacles survivors often face
  • Emotional resilience required to survive and thrive
  • The ongoing impact of trauma and societal judgment
  • The importance of support networks, empathy, and advocacy
  • How media representation can raise awareness and spark action

🎧 Key Takeaways:

  • Understanding the complex realities of domestic abuse
  • Legal and emotional challenges survivors encounter
  • Empowerment strategies for survivors and allies
  • Building awareness around systemic gaps and protections
  • Inspiring stories of resilience and courage

This episode emphasizes that survivors are not alone and that increased legal protections, empathy, and education are vital for preventing further harm and supporting recovery.


Sources:

“Worst Ex Ever” A Netflix Documentary Series (2024)

https://www.dailypress.net/life/features/2023/03/if-a-partner-has-ever-strangled-you-they-will-likely-kill-you/

https://www.1800respect.org.au/legal-abuse

https://bmcpregnancychildbirth.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12884-016-1122-6

https://www.thehotline.org/resources/get-help-50-obstacles-to-leaving/#:~:text=On%20average%2C%20it%20takes%20a,regain%20control%20over%20their%20victim.

https://www.healthline.com/health/coercive-control#isolation

1 in 3 is intended for mature audiences. Episodes contain explicit content and may be triggering to some.

Support the show

If you are in the United States and need help right now, call the national domestic violence hotline at 800-799-7233 or text the word “start” to 88788.

Contact 1 in 3:

Thank you for listening!

Cover art by Laura Swift Dahlke
Music by Tim Crowe

00:00 - Spotlight on Domestic Violence Cases

15:48 - Resources and Support for Survivors

WEBVTT

00:00:24.001 --> 00:00:25.867
Hi Warriors, welcome to 1 in 3.

00:00:25.867 --> 00:00:27.310
I'm your host, ingrid.

00:00:27.310 --> 00:00:34.012
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and I have a lot in store for you going forward.

00:00:34.012 --> 00:00:42.033
I'm taking a different approach today and in doing so, hope to get a lot of judgments and misconceptions related to victims cleared up.

00:00:42.033 --> 00:00:44.760
So let's get into it.

00:01:03.531 --> 00:01:07.375
I recently watched Netflix's docuseries Worst Ex Ever.

00:01:07.375 --> 00:01:15.287
I initially thought I should do an episode on Ben Foster, the perpetrator in the first episode, but then I honestly thought why.

00:01:15.287 --> 00:01:18.810
Netflix did a superb job with their interviews.

00:01:18.810 --> 00:01:24.072
Each episode is told by the victims, families and law enforcement directly involved.

00:01:24.072 --> 00:01:32.725
So instead of delivering a most likely subpar version, I decided to discuss key points that stood out to me in the four episode series.

00:01:32.725 --> 00:01:39.807
I think saying this podcast episode contains spoilers doesn't sound right and feels sort of callous.

00:01:39.807 --> 00:01:44.804
The docuseries covers the true events that happened to actual people.

00:01:44.804 --> 00:01:50.384
I will be mentioning incidents that happened, but will avoid telling the entire story.

00:01:50.384 --> 00:01:55.034
If you prefer watch the series first, then come back to this.

00:01:55.034 --> 00:02:01.093
Netflix does give a disclaimer, but please keep in mind the stories may be triggering to some.

00:02:01.640 --> 00:02:10.254
Episode 1 chronicles the lives of three women who were abused by one man, spanning from June 2012 to January 2023.

00:02:10.254 --> 00:02:20.587
Amber's relationship with Ben parallels nearly every domestic violence relationship Charming, charismatic abuser love bombs their partner.

00:02:20.587 --> 00:02:27.266
The eventual true character surfaces as abuse begins and becomes more evident.

00:02:27.266 --> 00:02:31.081
There are a few items in this episode that got my attention.

00:02:31.081 --> 00:02:35.575
Amber filed charges against Ben when he first physically assaulted her.

00:02:35.575 --> 00:02:40.489
He was arrested and sentenced to domestic violence, counseling and community service.

00:02:40.489 --> 00:02:42.520
He was free in just a few months.

00:02:42.520 --> 00:02:45.265
He stalked her and attacked again.

00:02:45.265 --> 00:02:48.933
She escaped and 911 was called by those assisting her.

00:02:48.933 --> 00:02:56.943
By the time the police got to the home, ben had cleaned up, injured himself and told a story of how Amber attacked him.

00:02:56.943 --> 00:03:06.169
She was arrested and remained in jail for 18 hours, even though a simple search would have revealed Ben already had a record of domestic violence.

00:03:06.169 --> 00:03:11.264
Amber's case was eventually dismissed After some time had passed.

00:03:11.545 --> 00:03:13.512
Ben apologized via text.

00:03:13.512 --> 00:03:18.283
He mentioned he was in therapy and wanted to apologize in person for closure.

00:03:18.283 --> 00:03:21.368
Amber agreed because she felt bad for him.

00:03:21.368 --> 00:03:25.561
Yes, she felt bad for him.

00:03:25.561 --> 00:03:28.304
This comment really hit home for me.

00:03:28.304 --> 00:03:35.752
Despite the abuse we were subjected to, there is still something inside some of us that feels empathy toward that person.

00:03:35.752 --> 00:03:38.295
I'm not saying that's a bad thing.

00:03:38.295 --> 00:03:46.847
In fact, I'm proud that part of me wasn't destroyed but that empathy can make one susceptible to being harmed again.

00:03:47.768 --> 00:03:53.014
Ben and Amber began to talk and hang out until he did attack her once more.

00:03:53.014 --> 00:03:58.822
This time he strangled her until she lost consciousness.

00:03:58.822 --> 00:04:09.795
I know I bring these statistics up a lot, but with strangulation, a victim has a 750% increased risk of being killed by their abuser within one year.

00:04:09.795 --> 00:04:16.466
82% of police homicides are committed by someone who has a strangulation history.

00:04:16.466 --> 00:04:20.983
Amber didn't stick around to find out what would happen in a year.

00:04:20.983 --> 00:04:26.242
The state actually pressed charges and everyone awaited a trial to be announced.

00:04:27.085 --> 00:04:29.961
Meanwhile, ben moved on to his next victim, jamie.

00:04:29.961 --> 00:04:36.074
As Ben's abuse escalated with her, jamie mentions she was too embarrassed to tell anyone.

00:04:36.074 --> 00:04:40.007
Okay, guys, this is one reason victims stay.

00:04:40.007 --> 00:04:41.973
It is embarrassing.

00:04:41.973 --> 00:04:51.367
How is one supposed to first admit to themselves they are being abused, and therefore a victim, then secondly confide in others?

00:04:51.367 --> 00:04:56.252
The level of judgment that can be put on the victim is disgusting.

00:04:56.252 --> 00:04:58.406
How did you let that happen?

00:04:58.406 --> 00:05:01.329
What did you do to make them act that way?

00:05:01.329 --> 00:05:08.586
That judgment alone keeps people from talking about what is going on, which means they have no resources to fall back on.

00:05:08.586 --> 00:05:10.348
They have nowhere to go.

00:05:11.935 --> 00:05:15.625
Getting back to Jamie's story brings about another reason victims don't leave.

00:05:15.625 --> 00:05:19.144
Frankly, it's the lack of faith in the legal system.

00:05:19.144 --> 00:05:25.908
She filed a restraining order and was told the police would knock on the door to her home that Ben was living in.

00:05:25.908 --> 00:05:30.365
If he didn't answer, they would simply post the paperwork on the door.

00:05:30.365 --> 00:05:33.884
She asked if they could at least escort her in to collect her belongings.

00:05:33.884 --> 00:05:34.526
They said they don't do that.

00:05:34.526 --> 00:05:37.014
What she asked if they could at least escort her in to collect her belongings.

00:05:37.014 --> 00:05:39.177
They said they don't do that.

00:05:39.177 --> 00:05:39.557
What?

00:05:39.557 --> 00:05:43.019
This was 2018, just six years ago.

00:05:43.019 --> 00:05:48.345
So now tell me, how likely would you be to file this piece of paper?

00:05:48.345 --> 00:05:51.528
That will only piss off your abuser even more.

00:05:51.528 --> 00:05:54.571
You won't be given any layer of protection.

00:05:54.571 --> 00:05:59.798
Well, ben didn't answer, answer and the paper was posted.

00:05:59.798 --> 00:06:02.845
Jamie was too exhausted and had nowhere else to go.

00:06:02.845 --> 00:06:08.244
She went inside and fell asleep, only to awaken later with Ben on top of her.

00:06:09.408 --> 00:06:12.637
After being held hostage for days, jamie escaped.

00:06:12.637 --> 00:06:16.108
She was taken to the hospital in the car of a stranger.

00:06:16.108 --> 00:06:29.927
Here's a positive I want to highlight In both Jamie and Amber's situations they, at one point, found themselves in the car of a stranger, a helpful individual that offered their own vehicle as a place of refuge.

00:06:29.927 --> 00:06:38.641
Now, I'm not advocating to just let any stranger into your vehicle that obviously could be dangerous.

00:06:38.641 --> 00:06:43.665
But if you see something, say something, do something.

00:06:43.665 --> 00:06:46.387
At minimum, call for help.

00:06:46.387 --> 00:06:51.331
While in the emergency department, jamie reluctantly gives her report to the police.

00:06:51.331 --> 00:07:00.314
I say reluctantly because she was afraid the police would not be able to protect her.

00:07:03.295 --> 00:07:07.394
Ben was arrested and stood trial for the combined cases of Jamie and Amber.

00:07:07.394 --> 00:07:13.057
Jamie was too traumatized, understandably, to attend the trial.

00:07:13.057 --> 00:07:18.930
The DA stated that without a victim physically present, the charges of first-degree kidnapping, battery, domestic violence and strangulation would not stand.

00:07:18.930 --> 00:07:30.620
It wouldn't stand despite the police reports, hospital records and photographs documenting her shaved head, two black eyes, seven broken ribs and multiple lacerations.

00:07:30.620 --> 00:07:32.502
Here's another fear.

00:07:32.502 --> 00:07:46.557
Victims don't want to be, can't be, shouldn't have to be re-victimized, sitting in the same room as their abuser, reliving their trauma while getting interrogated by the defense.

00:07:46.557 --> 00:07:50.189
Ben was able to plead guilty to lesser charges.

00:07:50.189 --> 00:07:56.507
He was sentenced to a maximum of 30 months and was given credit for time previously served.

00:07:56.507 --> 00:07:58.999
He was released in 2021.

00:07:59.982 --> 00:08:03.250
This brings us to Ben's next victim, justine.

00:08:03.250 --> 00:08:08.485
She didn't know him very long and, because of some questionable behavior, googled him.

00:08:08.485 --> 00:08:12.016
She found his record and reported it to their boss.

00:08:12.016 --> 00:08:15.185
Ben was fired and took it out on Justine.

00:08:15.185 --> 00:08:20.398
He held her hostage, beat and tortured her to the point of near death.

00:08:20.398 --> 00:08:24.084
She was found by a friend just in time.

00:08:24.084 --> 00:08:28.461
A manhunt commenced With the national coverage of the search.

00:08:28.461 --> 00:08:36.307
An acquaintance of Jamie contacted her to apologize for not believing her claims of abuse until there was a third victim.

00:08:37.435 --> 00:08:42.168
I'm going to end discussion of this episode here and move on to episode two.

00:08:42.168 --> 00:08:46.645
This episode follows Eric's abuse by his wife, rosa.

00:08:46.645 --> 00:08:55.209
Yes, you guys, men can be victims of domestic violence, and not just in gay relationships.

00:08:55.209 --> 00:08:57.875
How on earth can that even happen?

00:08:57.875 --> 00:09:03.648
Men are usually bigger than women, and in Eric and Rose's case that was true.

00:09:03.648 --> 00:09:09.547
So how did a man who possessed a dominant stature become the victim of a petite woman?

00:09:09.547 --> 00:09:26.652
Manipulation, emotional abuse, add sense of duty, commitment and fear of religious repercussions to that list.

00:09:26.652 --> 00:09:31.166
The two had a child together, which worsened the situation.

00:09:31.166 --> 00:09:35.863
Rosa used their daughter in attempts to control Eric even more.

00:09:35.863 --> 00:09:39.610
Thankfully, the legal system got it right this time.

00:09:39.610 --> 00:09:43.318
Eric eventually was given 100% custody.

00:09:43.318 --> 00:09:46.567
The story doesn't end there, though.

00:09:46.567 --> 00:09:55.500
Rose's behavior escalated, and while each of these stories are tragic, this one had a particularly heartbreaking ending.

00:09:56.686 --> 00:10:04.874
Episode 3 details a relationship that involves manipulating the legal system to thwart the true victim's attempt to receive justice.

00:10:04.874 --> 00:10:10.618
I hope that's not too confusing, but I don't plan on detailing this episode any further.

00:10:10.618 --> 00:10:17.538
I just want to highlight the fact that legal abuse most certainly can be a form of domestic abuse.

00:10:17.538 --> 00:10:24.730
I'm going to take a minute to discuss this a bit more only because this form of abuse is not as widely recognized.

00:10:24.730 --> 00:10:31.533
Legal or litigation abuse is defined as using the law or legal system to control or intimidate.

00:10:31.533 --> 00:10:48.136
There are a few ways this can be done, such as deliberately causing delays in court proceedings, using legal threats, destroying legal documents, not following court orders or, as in this case, making false reports to the police or court.

00:10:48.136 --> 00:10:51.654
And finally, this brings us to episode four.

00:10:52.865 --> 00:11:03.907
Again, this relationship follows the typical domestic violence timeline Love bombing and subtle changes which make the victim question if their behavior is the cause of abuse.

00:11:03.907 --> 00:11:09.785
Another important characteristic of abusers is moving the relationship at a fast pace.

00:11:09.785 --> 00:11:13.815
Amber and Kevin moved in together and were married early.

00:11:13.815 --> 00:11:22.159
Within their relationship, the subtle changes that surfaced included emotional abuse, jealousy and controlling behavior.

00:11:22.159 --> 00:11:26.428
Amber became miserable but was told marriage is hard.

00:11:26.428 --> 00:11:28.152
Try to make it work.

00:11:28.152 --> 00:11:30.196
You guessed it.

00:11:30.196 --> 00:11:41.379
This is yet another reason why victims stay Then years and three children later, kevin suddenly punched Amber in the face.

00:11:45.931 --> 00:11:47.921
And three children later, kevin suddenly punched Amber in the face.

00:11:47.921 --> 00:11:48.725
She chose not to press charges.

00:11:48.725 --> 00:11:54.412
Why, well, this was the first instance of physical abuse.

00:11:54.412 --> 00:11:57.123
She was concerned of what her children would think when they eventually learned their father had a record.

00:11:57.123 --> 00:12:01.350
She wanted him to remain a part of their lives because he was a good dad.

00:12:01.350 --> 00:12:06.139
You guys, this is a common misconception by victims.

00:12:06.139 --> 00:12:14.167
Good dads or moms don't hurt the mother or father of their children Ever.

00:12:14.187 --> 00:12:16.227
Let me interject here with a few more facts.

00:12:16.227 --> 00:12:23.712
There is a greater risk of domestic violence from a partner during pregnancy and up to two years following birth.

00:12:23.712 --> 00:12:26.755
That's a tough pill to swallow.

00:12:26.755 --> 00:12:36.261
Another fact is that it takes a victim of domestic violence an average of seven times of leaving and returning before they stay gone for good.

00:12:36.261 --> 00:12:45.148
This wasn't the case for Amber, because she immediately left and filed for divorce.

00:12:45.148 --> 00:12:53.917
Fact time again and this is an important one the most dangerous time in a domestic violence relationship is when the victim decides to leave.

00:12:53.917 --> 00:12:58.721
The previous imbalance of power in the relationship suddenly shifts.

00:12:58.721 --> 00:13:06.929
The abuser will resort to any tactic in order to regain control over their victim.

00:13:06.929 --> 00:13:16.173
Any tactic, the violence and aggression can escalate to murder, and the primary victim may not be the only casualty.

00:13:17.556 --> 00:13:23.657
I'm not going to get into any more details of the tragedy that unfolds, because I would rather focus on other points.

00:13:23.657 --> 00:13:30.038
Domestic violence can leave victims reeling over what happened to change their partner's behavior.

00:13:30.038 --> 00:13:31.830
Was it something they did?

00:13:31.830 --> 00:13:36.613
Did something happen to their partner, or were they a monster all along?

00:13:36.613 --> 00:13:41.350
Do they know they're a monster or do they really believe otherwise?

00:13:41.350 --> 00:13:42.895
Can they?

00:13:42.895 --> 00:13:44.650
Did they truly change?

00:13:44.650 --> 00:13:47.150
Here's the thing.

00:13:47.150 --> 00:13:51.615
Don't waste any more brain space on trying to figure them out.

00:13:51.615 --> 00:13:57.331
Focus on yourself and your own healing, and that's what Amber did.

00:13:58.145 --> 00:14:04.047
One of my favorite silver linings in covering these horrific stories is the good that can happen.

00:14:04.047 --> 00:14:33.913
Victims can survive, survivors can thrive, and some survivors take it a step further and advocate those warriors carry the torch in attempts to make the path to survive and recover clearer, easier and better for other victims, amber was able to get a bill passed in the state of Washington that includes coercive control and the definition of domestic violence.

00:14:33.913 --> 00:14:41.092
Coercive control is illegal in other countries and has been in the United Kingdom since 2015.

00:14:41.092 --> 00:14:44.668
It is not illegal in the United States, though.

00:14:44.668 --> 00:14:52.836
Coercive control is basically utilization of other forms of abuse or tactics in order to exert control over a victim.

00:14:53.798 --> 00:14:56.025
I want to leave you with one parting thought.

00:14:56.025 --> 00:15:06.059
It's important to note that as you watch this docuseries if you do you're already identifying that there's a bad guy in the story.

00:15:06.059 --> 00:15:14.278
The way the interviews are conducted and the timeline presented make it very easy to discern who that person is.

00:15:14.278 --> 00:15:23.596
You are able to watch forming judgments and feeling empathy appropriately In real time, though that is often not the case.

00:15:23.596 --> 00:15:30.538
So go forward in this month designed to raise awareness in domestic violence and educate yourself.

00:15:30.538 --> 00:15:46.330
Recognize the signs of abuse, show grace to those who are struggling to survive, support the victims, even though you understand they may not leave or they may go back Better yet, become an advocate.

00:15:46.330 --> 00:15:48.514
Thank you for listening.

00:15:49.195 --> 00:15:51.586
Sources for today can be found in the show notes.

00:15:51.586 --> 00:15:55.677
I will be back later this week with another episode for you.

00:15:55.677 --> 00:16:05.879
Until then, stay strong and, wherever you are in your journey, always remember you are not alone.

00:16:05.879 --> 00:16:14.572
Find more information, register as a guest or leave a review by going to the website 1in3podcastcom.

00:16:14.572 --> 00:16:19.155
That's the number 1-I-N-3podcastcom.

00:16:19.155 --> 00:16:24.197
Follow 1in3 on Instagram, facebook and Twitter at 1in3podcast.

00:16:24.197 --> 00:16:28.456
To help me out, please remember to rate, review and subscribe.

00:16:28.456 --> 00:16:34.206
1 in 3 is a .5 Pinoy production Music written and performed by Tim Crow.

00:16:34.206 --> 00:16:34.268
©.

00:16:34.268 --> 00:16:49.105
Transcript Emily Beynon.