Feb. 25, 2025
Resilience and High-Conflict Co-Parenting: Marisol's Journey Through Adversity (Part 1/2) I Ep. 57
Navigating the stormy seas of high-conflict co-parenting is no easy feat, and today I have Marisol sharing her compelling journey. Imagine juggling not one, but two custody and child support cases, all while facing the emotional upheaval of multiple court hearings and even bankruptcy. Marisol's story is a testament to resilience, offering listeners a raw glimpse into the challenges of dealing with high-conflict co-parents and the emotional toll such situations take on both parents and children.
Our conversation takes a deep dive into the heart-wrenching realities of domestic violence and its impact on custody arrangements, especially during sensitive times like holidays. Marisol opens up about the struggle to prioritize her children's needs over lingering resentment, a challenge many in similar situations will resonate with. We explore the often toxic dynamics where manipulation and abuse make cooperation seem impossible, and Marisol bravely discusses personal experiences of verbal abuse and stigma, highlighting the emotional distress it caused for her children.
We wrap up with empowering strategies for co-parents to focus on their children's futures amidst adversity. Marisol shares invaluable insights on navigating these difficult dynamics, emphasizing the importance of strategic decision-making to create a nurturing environment. Join us for this eye-opening episode as we uncover ways to safeguard relationships with children, offering hope and guidance for those tackling the complexities of high-conflict co-parenting.
Marisol's Linktree: https://linktr.ee/marisolvasquez
Marisol's 1in3 profile: https://www.1in3podcast.com/guests/marisol-vasquez-ms/
https://marisolvasquezofficial.com/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/marisolvasquezofficial/
https://www.instagram.com/marisolvasquezofficial/
https://www.facebook.com/groups/empoweredmomscircle
1 in 3 is intended for mature audiences. Episodes contain explicit content and may be triggering to some.
If you are in the United States and need help right now, call the national domestic violence hotline at 800-799-7233 or text the word “start” to 88788.
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Thank you for listening!
Cover art by Laura Swift Dahlke
Music by Tim Crowe
00:00 - Surviving High Conflict Co-Parenting
13:42 - Navigating Co-Parenting Challenges and Emotions
19:00 - Navigating Toxic Co-Parenting Dynamics
32:49 - Empowering Co-Parents for Child's Future
WEBVTT
00:00:23.920 --> 00:00:24.562
Hey Marisol.
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Thank you so much for joining me today.
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I'm happy to be here.
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You have a strong social media presence on co-parenting, and high-conflict co-parenting specifically.
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So before we get into all the details of that, do you mind just giving a background on how you got started into that?
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So I got started because of my own personal experience.
00:00:44.510 --> 00:00:51.725
I have two kids with two different dads and at some point I managed two child custody cases and two child support cases.
00:00:51.725 --> 00:00:55.441
My longest custody battle was actually for my daughter.
00:00:55.441 --> 00:00:57.143
It lasted almost a decade.
00:00:57.143 --> 00:01:01.252
So a lot of my experience comes from my own.
00:01:01.252 --> 00:01:06.811
You know ways of having to survive, live and still have dreams somehow.
00:01:07.814 --> 00:01:08.537
So a decade.
00:01:08.537 --> 00:01:12.064
So that means that these were happening at some point at the same time.
00:01:12.145 --> 00:01:13.848
Yes, I actually had to manage.
00:01:13.848 --> 00:01:18.269
One of the worst months I ever had was in 2011,.
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Back in November, I think it was, I actually had four court hearings in one month.
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Two, I believe, were for one ex, one was for the other and then the last one was for bankruptcy.
00:01:30.635 --> 00:01:42.712
Oh my goodness, my court cases were actually in three different courts, so I actually attended three different courthouses that I had to learn how to navigate during that time of my life.
00:01:44.441 --> 00:01:50.921
Okay, just going into a courthouse on its own for something simple is intimidating enough, but that's crazy.
00:01:50.941 --> 00:01:58.686
Well, I actually have a very weird story where I was trying to get some evidence because I was being accused of something.
00:01:58.686 --> 00:02:04.552
I forgot which accusation I was being accused of at this point, because my daughter's father accused me of a lot of things.
00:02:04.552 --> 00:02:11.284
So I was trying to portray how much we were constantly in court and how he was, you know, being overly litigious.
00:02:11.284 --> 00:02:25.740
And I went to the courthouse that our you know that our court case was at and I went into the records department looking for my, my court case, because I wanted to see what they had not necessarily what I had, but what they had on file.
00:02:25.740 --> 00:02:31.746
Right, I was looking for something and then the court clerk tells me your file's not here.
00:02:31.746 --> 00:02:38.586
It's actually across the street in the basement because it's so large.
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At that time I had a baby, my son was a baby and I had a stroller with me.
00:02:42.693 --> 00:02:50.332
So I crossed the street and I went to the archives right to go get the custody case.
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And when I went down there I actually had to go to the basement.
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There was hardly any security down there.
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There was no cameras, it was so dingy looking, it was dark, I wasn't even sure what was down there.
00:03:02.681 --> 00:03:09.962
But eventually I found the office with the staff in it and they handed me and I was able to check out my large court case.
00:03:09.962 --> 00:03:11.787
That's insane.
00:03:11.787 --> 00:03:13.289
It was very, very insane.
00:03:13.289 --> 00:03:19.514
Yeah, it was like a whole surreal experience that I still wonder how we survived it.
00:03:19.514 --> 00:03:30.973
However, I do have a lot of insight and tips on how to safeguard your relationship with your kids, Because while you're going through this, your kid's childhood is actually still moving forward, you know.
00:03:30.973 --> 00:03:37.651
So that's what I focused on, even though it was very difficult for me and it was especially difficult for my daughter.
00:03:38.379 --> 00:03:49.723
I imagine so, and that's mainly the reason why there is some high conflict co-parenting issues is because it's almost like one parent has the children's best interest in mind and the other one does not.
00:03:50.324 --> 00:03:56.765
Yeah, I learned the hard way that if you're going to be dealing with a high conflict co-parent you're going to.
00:03:56.765 --> 00:03:59.314
You're unfortunately going to have different agendas.
00:03:59.314 --> 00:04:06.622
You're typically not going to have the same version of what parenting, healthy parenting looks like, even semi-healthy.
00:04:06.622 --> 00:04:07.002
You know cause?
00:04:07.002 --> 00:04:08.986
Not, I don't think parenting is perfect at all.
00:04:08.986 --> 00:04:11.692
I think we're all evolving as parents, like you know.
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It's okay for you to figure out that maybe what you were doing a year ago wasn't working because maybe now your kid's telling you hey, mom, I don't like that, you know, and you can change it.
00:04:21.217 --> 00:04:21.659
You know what I mean.
00:04:21.659 --> 00:04:23.883
So we're always evolving as parents.
00:04:24.563 --> 00:04:43.422
So, in terms of high conflict co-parenting, that parent the one that's truly high conflict they're really not going to have the same agenda as you and also that agenda and that mindset will hit the courtroom and that's why it becomes so high conflict, because they have a different mentality on what they want.
00:04:43.422 --> 00:04:46.685
Usually what they want is control and to win.
00:04:46.685 --> 00:04:58.755
And from my experience, all the years that I've been through, with all the court hearings that I've gone through as well for both of my children, I'm going to tell you that there's no winning in court hearings for custody or even child support.
00:04:58.755 --> 00:05:00.156
It takes a lot.
00:05:00.156 --> 00:05:04.531
It takes a lot from you as a person, and it also takes a lot from the kids too.
00:05:04.531 --> 00:05:09.149
So even if you do walk away with something, there's something at some point that you lost to even get that.
00:05:10.913 --> 00:05:11.733
Oh, totally.
00:05:11.733 --> 00:05:19.540
And I mean, when you come from a domestic violence relationship and then you have to co-parent afterward, like you mentioned, it's that control.
00:05:19.540 --> 00:05:34.004
They still use whatever tactics, even in certain cases using the children as pawns or manipulating the children, to maintain that control over you, yes, and then eventually also over the children.
00:05:34.004 --> 00:05:37.012
They kind of turn into their victims as well.
00:05:37.713 --> 00:05:40.728
Yes, that's a different component of that.
00:05:40.728 --> 00:06:00.108
It's so much to unpack there, but, yes, so my daughter's father actually ended up leaving me for her stepmom, and what was interesting about our situation is that right off the bat, they both got this really weird drive to really hate me, as if I had done something wrong to them, even though he actually was the one who walked away with her.
00:06:00.108 --> 00:06:10.899
With time I learned to be comfortable with some of the dynamic of it, just because my daughter grew to really love her, some of the dynamic of it, you know, just because my daughter grew to really love her.
00:06:10.899 --> 00:06:18.069
But in essence, all of that actually ended up hitting the courtroom too.
00:06:18.069 --> 00:06:22.940
You know the drama that surrounded that never let up, you know, and it's to the point that it started affecting different aspects of our lives, you know.
00:06:23.000 --> 00:06:38.550
So, having been part of that custody case, it their behavior was so detrimental that it actually, you know, was at her school, it was in her homework, it was a doctor's appointments you know what I mean.
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Like in their brain, I can never do anything.
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Right to the point that we couldn't even share a doctor.
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They insisted on going to a separate doctor because they had embedded that doctor.
00:06:48.937 --> 00:06:50.944
So they had to move my kid to another doctor.
00:06:50.944 --> 00:06:52.569
Same thing for dentists.
00:06:52.569 --> 00:06:56.925
Dentists were a problem too, then emergency contacts that was a problem too.
00:06:56.925 --> 00:07:02.406
So it was like constant battles for even the smallest things that you can ever think of.
00:07:02.406 --> 00:07:07.000
It essentially is a systematic infiltration of your life.
00:07:08.747 --> 00:07:14.485
Right, and one that you can't escape because your child's tied to you yeah, and you can't.
00:07:14.839 --> 00:07:21.774
And when you tell that to the courts, it sounds like you're the one that's being naggy and complaining, because you know you sound like you're the crazy one, you know.
00:07:21.774 --> 00:07:29.473
And, essentially, as my daughter got older, I realized that they were weaponizing my daughter against me.
00:07:29.473 --> 00:07:33.829
They weaponized my child yeah, of course.
00:07:33.829 --> 00:07:38.750
Yeah, that's a harsh reality to realize, because it's like how can a parent want to do that?
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You know what I mean.
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You're over here trying to raise your child and you're like okay, well, you left me.
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Fine, you're not here anymore.
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I accepted that.
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Now you're with this person and you're making this new life.
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Fine.
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Then why are you still after me?
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Right, just let me go Right.
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Parenting is already hard enough, then, to add the dynamic of high conflict co-parenting, right, and even that sentence, high conflict co-parenting even that within itself is a bit of an oxymoron, because you actually cannot fully parent with a high conflict co-parenting.
00:08:08.630 --> 00:08:14.151
Even that within itself is a bit of an oxymoron, because you actually cannot fully parent with a high conflict co-parent.
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You're constantly countering, you're constantly countering, and I called it DC.
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I was constantly on damage control.
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Right.
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It's almost like you can't progress with your children because you're having to undo all the bad things, right?
00:08:30.639 --> 00:08:42.516
So you have your personal experience with this, but then you also have a professional background that helps you understand these situations.
00:08:43.240 --> 00:08:45.427
Well, I mean, I have a master's degree in criminal justice.
00:08:45.427 --> 00:08:50.248
I'm not really sure there probably is some tied, you know, transferable skills to it.
00:08:50.248 --> 00:08:55.226
You know I'm not going to, you know, sit here and say that I'm like a mental health counselor, because I'm not.
00:08:55.226 --> 00:08:56.681
I don't know, I'm not a mental health professional.
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I'm also not an attorney or a legal professional.
00:09:00.769 --> 00:09:02.714
You know I do have that master's.
00:09:02.714 --> 00:09:11.673
You know, when I got that back when I was younger, it is transferable in terms of, like, the way that I think and how to defend myself.
00:09:11.714 --> 00:09:17.471
When I was in court, my ex couldn't pay child support, but he did hire attorneys.
00:09:17.471 --> 00:09:22.500
So, you know, I did end up hiring two at some point.
00:09:22.500 --> 00:09:29.850
And you know, there's only so much that you can do as a single mom because you're you're being targeted in so many ways emotionally, legally, financially.
00:09:29.850 --> 00:09:31.894
You know, um, I mean some.
00:09:31.894 --> 00:09:36.772
At some point it was targeting my spiritual side too, where I'm like, how is this happening to me?
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Like you know what I mean.
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Like I'm not a bad person.
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Why are they coming at me so hard, you know?
00:09:41.807 --> 00:09:44.710
So, yeah, I do have some background, but I wouldn't.
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You know, I don't want to be overstating what I do have.
00:09:48.875 --> 00:09:49.964
You know I also do have.
00:09:49.964 --> 00:10:10.389
I'm also certified in natural health as a natural health professional from the Trinity School of Natural Health, and I only got that certification because with a lot of high conflict comes health conditions, health issues, you know, because you're constantly on high cortisol levels so you're stressed out and that ended up affecting my body.
00:10:10.389 --> 00:10:14.863
So I I do have an autoimmune condition that I um that I take care of on my own.
00:10:14.863 --> 00:10:31.553
Um, sometimes I do bring in um an outside party to help me if I get stuck, but most of the time I have learned enough now about natural healing modalities to be able to um basically take care of myself, uh, myself, to, you know, mentally and even physically.
00:10:31.553 --> 00:10:33.807
I don't believe in meds, you know.
00:10:33.807 --> 00:10:38.581
If people do, that's their prerogative, but I basically manage my conditions naturally.
00:10:40.745 --> 00:10:43.952
There are so many things that obviously go into this.
00:10:43.952 --> 00:10:48.851
I mean, there are like 10 different avenues that we could take this episode.
00:10:48.851 --> 00:10:50.496
I'm like that was a lot right, yeah.
00:10:51.321 --> 00:10:57.913
So, my journey has been like very unique, very unique and also very eclectic in the way where I'm at now.
00:10:57.913 --> 00:10:59.886
It's nowhere where I thought I would be.
00:10:59.886 --> 00:11:08.874
You know some pros, some cons, the court hearings that eventually did end, but the aftermath of it it's still there.
00:11:08.874 --> 00:11:10.077
It's still there.
00:11:10.759 --> 00:11:10.899
Yeah.
00:11:11.721 --> 00:11:12.663
It doesn't die off.
00:11:13.684 --> 00:11:37.519
No, and I even think that once your children are beyond school age and you think, okay, we're done and there's not that necessary co-parenting, that needs to happen because you know they're technically adults now but you still have there's graduations, there's grandbabies, there's weddings and all sorts of different things that you're still going to have to interact with that other person.
00:11:37.739 --> 00:11:45.208
Yeah, there is, but it just depends on the comfortability of your child and what they want to do and how they.
00:11:45.208 --> 00:11:59.620
One of the hardest things that I had to learn is that, regardless of what my exes have done, my kids' dads, my child has the right to select how they want to proceed with their relationship with their father.
00:11:59.620 --> 00:12:16.712
Um, um, irrelevant to my own experience, irrelevant to what they've put me through, what they've left me hanging on, what they've neglected, you know, um, because the child has their own experience, because that is their father, and I'm not saying that they have to talk to them.
00:12:16.712 --> 00:12:21.826
You know, some people will do the whole like forceful thing, or you must talk to them because he's your dad.
00:12:21.826 --> 00:12:23.471
That's not the approach I take.
00:12:23.471 --> 00:12:29.407
I take more of the approach of well, go explore it, go figure it out, and if you want to go, no contact.
00:12:29.407 --> 00:12:32.951
Or if you want to limit your contact, those do exist If you need to do that.
00:12:32.951 --> 00:12:34.212
That's kind of what I.
00:12:34.712 --> 00:12:37.155
I'm more of a background actor now for my kids.
00:12:37.155 --> 00:12:42.481
I'm not really front and center when it comes to that, because now they can actually speak for themselves.
00:12:42.481 --> 00:12:45.731
They have their own values, they have their own perspectives.
00:12:45.731 --> 00:12:50.736
So I try my best, even though it's hard, you know, cause mama got opinions too.
00:12:50.736 --> 00:12:56.197
So, um, I try my best to just be supportive, even if I don't agree with it.
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It is my childhood journey and it is a difficult journey, and if they need support, I am there, you know.
00:13:03.366 --> 00:13:11.731
I am there to just provide that, you know, because it is a hard thing to stomach that your other parent, you know, is what they are.
00:13:13.813 --> 00:13:29.462
And that's a testament to how much that you have healed and matured through the process, because I imagine it would be difficult to co-parent with somebody that you loathe, you know, and not to impart your own personal bias onto your kids.
00:13:32.804 --> 00:13:35.451
Like, hey, you know that parent's the bad guy, right, right, and you know you're right.
00:13:35.451 --> 00:13:42.532
There is a level of dislike that I do still have sometimes, but it's not to the point that I used to have when I was still in it.
00:13:42.532 --> 00:13:52.147
So, whoever's listening to this, my current journey might be different in how I feel now because, see, I'm already a little bit away from it.
00:13:52.147 --> 00:13:57.636
So if you're still in it, you're probably going to still feel those normal feelings of hate.
00:14:03.065 --> 00:14:12.956
I sound like I'm at peace at it because I'm already on my way out, right, right, well, and almost betrayal too, like if you get your kids and they're like, oh, I want to go back over to mommy or daddy's house.
00:14:12.956 --> 00:14:14.076
I miss mommy or daddy.
00:14:14.076 --> 00:14:15.038
You know the other parent.
00:14:15.038 --> 00:14:18.162
You're almost thinking like, but what about me?
00:14:18.162 --> 00:14:19.268
Like, why aren't I?
00:14:19.268 --> 00:14:19.850
Oh, girl.
00:14:19.889 --> 00:14:27.755
Yes, so we actually had that situation happen on, uh, for Christmas, and Christmas for us was very different.
00:14:27.755 --> 00:14:30.886
We actually have traditions with my that I created with my children.
00:14:30.886 --> 00:14:34.375
You know, um, every, every December, we do family pictures.
00:14:34.375 --> 00:14:37.028
That that's not necessarily what happened this December.
00:14:37.028 --> 00:14:47.596
We're still trying to figure out how to do the holidays, especially because now I live out of state and my daughter lives in a different state, and then my son's with me, and then his dad lives somewhere else too.
00:14:47.596 --> 00:14:52.505
He doesn't live in the same state, so we're all in three different states, so Christmas looks very different.
00:14:52.966 --> 00:14:54.610
I truly do not mind sharing.
00:14:54.610 --> 00:15:11.556
That's one thing that I noticed that as I grew in my mentality and I haven't always been this way, okay, it took a lot of growth, okay so as I grew I realized that, yes, I'm sad and I actually did cry when my son decided to go with his dad.
00:15:11.556 --> 00:15:17.797
I cried a lot because it's really hard to let go of your kids because, you know, as single moms, they literally become our world.
00:15:17.797 --> 00:15:25.091
But then there's a certain level of like letting go that you have.
00:15:25.091 --> 00:15:29.389
That has to happen because that's a natural way of things, where they they should be able to, you know, have autonomy and individuate from us.
00:15:29.669 --> 00:15:34.547
You know, um, to be separate from us, but that's still hard, you know, cause we're attached to them.
00:15:34.547 --> 00:15:45.047
So, um, my son ended up going with his dad for two weeks, um, for, uh, christmas, you know, and that was nowhere near me, it was like hundreds of miles away from me.
00:15:45.047 --> 00:16:03.455
You know, and um, I talk in one of my videos that I made on my Instagram account, that we, as moms you know, protective, supportive moms we end up doing things that are more like in the truly, more in the best interest of our child than even the courts sometimes.
00:16:03.455 --> 00:16:05.787
You know, because we know we know more.
00:16:05.787 --> 00:16:14.017
You know, even if it hurts you, you will end up doing things for your kid that you see, that maybe your kid needs, even if it breaks your heart.
00:16:15.985 --> 00:16:18.532
Yeah, and that's, oh my gosh gosh.
00:16:18.532 --> 00:16:28.388
The emotional part is hard to let your kids go like graduate high school and they're going off to start their own life and everything's healthy and everybody gets along.
00:16:28.388 --> 00:16:29.330
That's hard enough.
00:16:29.330 --> 00:16:37.722
But then when they go to somebody else that you don't get along with and or that doesn't like you, that doesn't like you, we're going to use a strong word hates you they get along with, or that doesn't like you.
00:16:37.743 --> 00:16:41.633
That doesn't like you, we're going to use a strong word hates you, they might hate you.
00:16:41.633 --> 00:16:43.076
You mentioned load.
00:16:43.076 --> 00:16:44.327
Then you know I actually stopped.
00:16:44.327 --> 00:17:03.981
I would say I stopped hating them a while back, but it took a lot of work, like I mentioned earlier, and I still do, you know, kind of have my moments where I don't like them very much, but at the same time, I keep in my mind something that I talked that I that I kind of try to stay with, which is to love my kids more than I hate my ex.
00:17:04.162 --> 00:17:11.199
I don't know if you've ever heard that and I actually made a little bit of a segment on it last year love your kids more than you hate your ex.
00:17:11.199 --> 00:17:13.427
And actually that even applies even to men.
00:17:13.427 --> 00:17:17.174
If they're going through, like a toxic, you know a relationship with their, you know with their.
00:17:17.174 --> 00:17:22.505
You know mothers with their kids moms, you know, because it's not necessarily exclusive to gender.
00:17:22.505 --> 00:17:26.554
You know the level of toxicity that one can be put through, you know.
00:17:26.554 --> 00:17:29.547
So I focus on that, you know.
00:17:29.626 --> 00:17:43.440
And then, now that my kids got older, they're actually able to voice to me, like their needs and what they would like and their desires, and I'm just sitting here trying to figure out like okay, how can I make this decision that best fits my child's needs.
00:17:43.440 --> 00:17:47.575
You know what I mean, like outside of whatever court stuff's happening, you know.
00:17:47.575 --> 00:17:57.894
And but, mind you, I am speaking from a different perspective because now we don't really have an operational court order for my son and my son chooses when to go with his dad.
00:17:57.894 --> 00:18:12.508
And also the court order for my daughter did end too, and I kind of wanted just to be transparent about that because my perspective is different because of the fact that I'm at the tail end and also you do operate differently when you're still in it, you do.
00:18:13.991 --> 00:18:16.945
Oh for sure, Especially when you're fresh out of the relationship.
00:18:16.945 --> 00:18:20.148
So obviously, this is a podcast based on domestic violence.
00:18:20.148 --> 00:18:31.974
So you're coming out of a domestic violence situation and whatever the details of that is, you are freshly out of it, you're hurting, you're grieving, oh, 100%.
00:18:31.994 --> 00:18:36.390
And you're pissed, and you're pissed, and on top of that, they don't want to pay you.
00:18:36.410 --> 00:19:00.484
Oh my goodness, oh, my gosh, right, really, we are going to go in 10,000 different directions here, but so just a quick, before we get too far into other things can you give a definition of high conflict co-parentings, just so that everybody's on the same understanding level of what we're talking about before we go down these 20 paths that we've already created?
00:19:00.565 --> 00:19:22.457
We probably need more segments so high, complex co-parenting the best way that I can describe it would be when there's two parents who have not been separated or divorced and they're having a difficult time agreeing on things and usually it's stemming from the lack of maturity from one of them and then they start using manipulative tactics.
00:19:22.457 --> 00:19:26.868
They can start using lies, they can start using intimidation.
00:19:26.868 --> 00:19:34.353
They can also start omitting information that you would need to have at some point, that you need as the other parent.
00:19:34.353 --> 00:19:36.135
There's just a list of.
00:19:36.135 --> 00:19:38.892
There's also gaslighting too, so it just really depends.
00:19:39.424 --> 00:19:43.434
I don't typically use the word narcissist because it gets thrown around a lot.
00:19:43.434 --> 00:19:48.900
I know what I've experienced, but I do know that at least one of them is a narcissist.
00:19:48.900 --> 00:20:00.210
I don't have official diagnosis, you know, but what I went through was definitely one was harder than the other, but they both were hard in their own way.
00:20:00.210 --> 00:20:12.573
So the best way to describe the high conflict co-parenting is basically two people that are trying to make the best out of co-parenting and one of them is making it extremely difficult and, if anything, they're highly litigious.
00:20:12.573 --> 00:20:19.471
That's even one component too, because that's actually different components, because whenever they're doing one thing, they're actually doing separate things too.
00:20:19.471 --> 00:20:30.019
So it's basically like a multi-prong system of how they're going to just basically try to decimate you and try to not really co-parent.
00:20:30.019 --> 00:20:32.593
If anything, they're just trying to destroy your relationship with your child.
00:20:33.094 --> 00:20:35.209
Now, there's different levels of it, you know what I mean.
00:20:35.209 --> 00:20:45.960
Like some of them are nicer than others, you know, um, but it just at its core, they're just making co-parenting a lot more difficult than it should be, you know, and just making decisions hard.
00:20:45.960 --> 00:20:55.128
You know, like you can never decide on anything, you know, or even if you, or if you propose something, you know, your ideas are just never good enough, you know, um.
00:20:55.128 --> 00:20:55.409
Or?
00:20:55.409 --> 00:20:59.097
Or if you're parenting, something's wrong with your parenting at every step of the way.
00:20:59.097 --> 00:21:05.289
You know, I was constantly bashed for my parenting throughout the entire 10 years and a lot of it.
00:21:05.289 --> 00:21:08.537
He kind of weaponized my background.
00:21:08.537 --> 00:21:11.929
I have a background in not having a good family dynamic.
00:21:11.929 --> 00:21:18.310
I have a toxic family dynamic with my biological family, so I didn't really have a mom and I also didn't have a dad.
00:21:18.310 --> 00:21:30.373
So he weaponized that in court and made it seem like I was not going to be a capable mom because I didn't know what a family was according to him and his wife.
00:21:33.808 --> 00:21:38.614
So they just continue to use the abusive tactics that they've been using the whole time.
00:21:38.614 --> 00:21:40.092
Sometimes it's systematic.
00:21:40.204 --> 00:21:44.376
You won't even know if it's even happening until you're realizing like this doesn't sound right.
00:21:44.376 --> 00:21:47.074
And now there's more information out there of it.
00:21:47.074 --> 00:21:49.133
There's a vast amount of information.
00:21:49.133 --> 00:21:51.634
I'm super surprised how much there is.
00:21:51.634 --> 00:22:07.016
Back when I was in it, I don't remember being this much like you know, awareness of it, because even at some point I felt like I was the crazy one, because they told me I was the crazy one, and then you're going to court and court's telling you no, that's not happening.
00:22:07.016 --> 00:22:08.458
You need to co-parent better.
00:22:08.458 --> 00:22:09.244
You know what I mean.
00:22:09.244 --> 00:22:12.291
Like you chose him, so why aren't you co-parenting with him?
00:22:14.345 --> 00:22:15.349
Oh, I love that one.
00:22:15.349 --> 00:22:16.835
You chose him yes.
00:22:16.914 --> 00:22:17.516
Oh, I love that one.
00:22:17.516 --> 00:22:20.338
You chose him, yes, yeah, or like because I have two kids with two different dads.
00:22:20.338 --> 00:22:21.819
Right, I got the whole.
00:22:21.819 --> 00:22:23.142
Well, how come you can't keep a man?
00:22:23.142 --> 00:22:27.913
That's nice, let's kick you while you're down.
00:22:38.325 --> 00:22:44.151
And as I got older and I also, you know, grew and I did a lot of personal development I realized how a lot of that you know it did stem from some of the patterns that I needed to heal in my own personal life.
00:22:44.151 --> 00:22:48.093
But a lot of that is a lot of shifting ideology.
00:22:48.093 --> 00:22:50.439
That's not making the other person accountable.
00:22:50.439 --> 00:23:00.477
So you know people are going to have really judgy comments, especially when you have two kids from two different dads that look that, do not look the same.
00:23:02.181 --> 00:23:06.042
Right and then, like you mentioned, one of your exes remarried.
00:23:06.123 --> 00:23:39.701
So now you're not even having of the experiences that I've had too, where, like you know, he even went for the whole like well, we have a traditional family environment and she's a single mom and you know, I think at one point he even like I had never been called a feminist and he called me a feminist.
00:23:39.701 --> 00:23:44.009
I even had to Google it because I'm like, what does that mean, you know?
00:23:44.009 --> 00:23:52.223
And I forgot what Google told me and I'm just like maybe I am that, I don't know, but he would call me all kinds of names.
00:23:52.223 --> 00:23:53.287
You know he, there was a lot of name calling.
00:23:53.287 --> 00:23:54.991
You know that that still stayed with me.
00:23:54.991 --> 00:24:06.632
That stayed with me and it actually not only did it stay with me, it actually kept me from doing what I'm doing now for a very long time, because he was very, very verbally abusive.
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