June 10, 2025
72-From Rainbow Light to Domestic Shadows: James Barr's Journey
What happens when the person you believe is your soulmate becomes your abuser? James Barr—MTV anchor, radio personality, podcast host, and LGBTQ rights ambassador—discovered this devastating reality firsthand, and now he's breaking his silence.
Despite his public persona as a fearless voice who has never been one to keep quiet, James fell victim to a relationship that started with love bombing and quickly escalated to physical violence. His partner would hit him over losing games like Uno, using classic manipulation tactics: "I'm just joking," "You're overreacting," "Don't be so sensitive." The situation grew increasingly dangerous, with his abuser putting hands around his throat and pushing him near staircases.
What makes James's story particularly powerful is his courage to confront not only the physical abuse but the internal battle many survivors face—especially within the LGBTQ+ community. He wrestled with thoughts like "Maybe I'm not man enough" or "Maybe I should have fought back," demonstrating how abuse can erode self-worth regardless of one's public status or background. His turning point came unexpectedly during a Botox appointment when a provider recognized the signs of abuse and shared her own escape story, becoming the catalyst that helped James leave his abuser.
Now, James uses his platform to shine a light on domestic violence through his show "Sorry, I Hurt Your Son (said my ex to my mum)." He thoughtfully explains his choice to use comedy.
Listen to this deeply moving episode and discover how sharing stories of survival can help others recognize abusive situations and find the courage to leave. Whether you're a survivor or someone who wants to understand the complex dynamics of abuse, this conversation offers valuable insights into the reality that domestic violence can impact absolutely anyone.
Sources:
https://www.jamesbarrcomedy.com/sorryihurtyourson
https://celebmix.com/celeb-mix-cares-james-barr/
https://www.the-independent.com/life-style/gay-man-domestic-abuse-violence-lgbt-b2610980.html
https://www.attitude.co.uk/culture/james-barr-love-isnt-love-if-it-hurts-470326/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zG8-nPOKRRA
1 in 3 is intended for mature audiences. Episodes contain explicit content and may be triggering to some.
If you are in the United States and need help right now, call the national domestic violence hotline at 800-799-7233 or text the word “start” to 88788.
Contact 1 in 3:
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Thank you for listening and please remember to rate, review & subscribe!
Cover art by Laura Swift Dahlke
Music by Tim Crowe
00:46 - Welcome to One in Three
01:19 - James Barr's Public Persona
03:32 - The Abusive Relationship Begins
05:43 - Escalation and Life-Threatening Danger
08:04 - Finding the Courage to Leave
11:09 - Comedy as Healing and Advocacy
13:45 - Closing and Show Information
WEBVTT
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Hi Warriors, Welcome to One in Three.
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I'm your host, Ingrid.
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We all know domestic violence can impact anyone, Absolutely anyone Celebrity status, time in the spotlight, wealth, talent.
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None of that offers protection and, as I emphasized in last week's episode, neither does sexual orientation, Neither does sexual orientation.
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Today we're turning our attention to James Barr, a name many of our listeners in the United Kingdom may recognize.
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To catch the rest of us up.
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James has worn many hats MTV anchor, radio personality, podcast host, LGBTQ rights ambassador, stand-up comedian and now domestic violence advocate.
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About 10 years ago, James began building his public persona, but early on he was often asked to dial it down, to dim his rainbow light, to be less himself, and for a while, rainbow light, to be less himself, and for a while he did.
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You'd think that rising to success would be met with unconditional support at home, but James has shared in interviews that this wasn't exactly the case.
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His mother initially felt guilt, wondering if she had somehow caused him to be gay.
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At one point she even said he was no longer her son, His father, while less harsh thought maybe it was just a phase James would grow out of.
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Interestingly, it was his sister who, as a Christian, may have been presumed to struggle most, who accepted him immediately and stood by him.
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But don't worry, this story doesn't end in estrangement.
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Over time, the family worked through their differences.
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Although the world had become more accepting of the LGBTQ plus community by 2015, compared to the 1980s, it was still a bold and commendable move for James to speak so openly about his challenges, his triumphs and his desires.
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And he didn't just touch the surface, he dove in, often with vivid detail and unapologetic honesty.
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In other words, James has always come across as fearless.
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Whether you love him or don't quite know what to make of him, one thing's for sure he's never been one to keep quiet about the things others only dared to whisper behind closed doors.
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His experience with an abusive partner.
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It happened shortly after a breakup, just a month into being newly single, when he met someone he was instantly drawn to.
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From the start, the relationship felt amazing.
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James fell fast and hard.
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This new partner showered him with gifts, attention and what seemed like genuine emotional intimacy.
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They had deep, thoughtful conversations.
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He opened up to James in a way no partner had before.
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It felt like something real, maybe even extraordinary.
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James truly believed he met the one.
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But just as quickly as James fell in love, he was hit with abuse.
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Literally, he's shared.
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He didn't see the red flags, not because they weren't there, but because, Quote, love came first.
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And, as I've said many times before and will continue to say again and again, abusers don't walk in the door waving red flags, they don't introduce themselves with cruelty, no, they come in like a gift.
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They show up as everything you've ever wanted.
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They mirror your dreams, your values, your wounds.
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They make you feel seen, maybe for the first time.
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They disguise themselves as the one, the person you are sure that had to be out there, your missing piece, your soulmate, your missing piece, your soulmate.
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And maybe you didn't even believe in soulmates until you met them.
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So this guy, this perfect partner, would hit James over losing a game of Uno or after getting beat in Mario Kart.
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At first, James didn't just accept it, he spoke up, he called it out.
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But he was met with the all-too-familiar response Come on, I'm just joking, You're overreacting, Don't be so sensitive.
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He minimized it, laughed it off, turned it into nothing.
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And it didn't happen often, Not at first.
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It was infrequent enough to forget about.
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Infrequent enough that James didn't or couldn't see it as abuse.
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Not yet, Because that's how it works right.
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It starts small, it hides in the cracks and it gives you just enough good to make you doubt the bad.
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Oh, and he would apologize.
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Apologize and self-flagellate for acting out.
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He'd say all the right things, how sorry he was, how ashamed he felt, how he couldn't believe he'd done that.
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It sounded sincere enough, didn't it?
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So sincere, in fact, that James began to feel sorry for him, yes, for the very man who hurt him.
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He found himself comforting his abuser, feeling guilty for the pain his abuser claimed to be in, because somehow the victim became the villain, and the villain the one to be cared for.
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That's one of the hardest parts to explain to someone who's never lived it how abuse can twist the truth so thoroughly that you start to believe you're the one who needs to apologize.
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Things escalated.
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His partner put his hands around James' throat and on another occasion pushed him while they were standing at the top of a staircase.
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That's when James realized just how dangerous this had become.
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This wasn't just emotional harm, this wasn't just bruised feelings.
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This was life-threatening.
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But by that point James was already broken down mentally and emotionally.
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The behavior, once somewhat predictable, had become completely erratic.
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He never knew what version of his partner he'd be met with.
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He braced for the next blow while still hoping for the return of the honeymoon.
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While enduring physical abuse at the hands of someone he loved, James was also battling another kind of abuse, the one that came from within the internal abuse, the self-loathing, the self-doubt, the quiet, relentless questions that so many of us know too well.
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Was it really abuse?
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Maybe he was just having a bad day?
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Maybe I pushed him too far?
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Maybe I deserved it?
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I was annoying, I was emotional, I didn't listen.
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And then there were the dark thoughts specific to a gay man.
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Maybe I'm not man enough.
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Maybe I need to man up.
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Maybe I should have fought back.
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Maybe I really am just a weak gay man.
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Those thoughts don't just hurt, they erode you.
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They make you question your reality, your worth and your right to safety and love.
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James tried to tell a few close friends.
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But here's the thing admitting you're being abused by someone you love, someone you've defended, protected and built a life with.
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That doesn't come easy.
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How do you explain the things you've already endured?
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How do you talk about the person you once believed was your soulmate as though they're a monster?
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How do you tell the truth when part of you still clings to the lie.
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Nonetheless, James eventually began to speak up, though only in part.
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He told a watered-down version of what was happening at home, just enough to feel like he wasn't completely alone.
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Luckily, one friend saw through it.
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She knew better because she'd once told the same stories.
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She recognized the excuses, the justifications, the careful omissions, because they were her own.
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She encouraged James to leave, but it wasn't until a Botox appointment, of all places, that everything began to unravel.
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James experienced what was likely a panic attack.
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The moment he saw the needle, His body reacted before his brain could make sense of it.
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And here's the part that gives me chills, Because domestic violence is so fucking common.
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That provider, his injector, recognized the signs and she shared her own story, her own escape, A story that quite possibly saved James' life Because he left.
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And then he shared his story Because quote it's a huge, huge number of people who suffer this kind of thing and we're all just expected to be quiet about it.
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I think it's important for people who've experienced abuse to say me too, because then hopefully it will happen less.
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Someone sharing their story helped me to leave my abusive ex.
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Hopefully, me sharing my story might help others recognize the situation they're in and take steps to do the same.
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End quote.
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But James didn't stop there.
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His latest show keeps the conversation going loudly and unapologetically.
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It's titled Sorry, I Hurt your Son, said my ex to my mom.
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Some may, and I'm sure some, have voiced disapproval of this approach to breaking the silence.
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But hey, any publicity is good, publicity right.
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And honestly, I'm not here to judge anyone's coping mechanisms.
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We all find different ways to process pain, to heal, to reclaim our stories.
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If using art and humor is how James chooses to shine a light on domestic violence, then I say more power to him.
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I'm going to end by sharing another direct quote from James as he explains his show scheduled for later this summer at the Edinburgh Festival, Fringe Quote.
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Now I understand comedy may not be the first thing that pops into your head when you think of domestic violence, but comedy is a game of tension and release.
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The tension builds, the anticipation grows and the punchline hits.
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This mirrors some of the emotional manipulation present in abusive relationships and once I realized that I had to explore it, Laughter can also be a powerful weapon.
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It can disarm shame, break down walls and remind us that even in the darkest moments there's room for light.
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My show doesn't make light of abuse, Far from it.
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It's about confronting it head on, shining a spotlight on it and making you laugh so hard you release a societal conditioning that keeps victims silent.
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I've had to rebuild myself from the ground up to tell this story and I will not allow the world to put my experience in a cage or criticize me over a poster.
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I've had to reckon with my experience for a long time, but now I'm ready.
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Had to reckon with my experience for a long time, but now I'm ready.
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My new show is for anyone who's ever felt trapped, unheard or like they deserved the pain.
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I can't wait to share it with you.
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End quote.
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Thank you for listening.
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Sources for today's episode can be found in the show notes.
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I will be back next week with another episode for you.
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Until then, stay strong and wherever you are in your journey, always remember you are not alone.
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Find more information, register as a guest or leave a review by going to the website 1in3podcastcom.
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That's the number 1-I-N-3podcastcom.
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Follow 1in3 on Instagram, facebook and Twitter at 1in3podcast.
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To help me out, please remember to rate, review and subscribe.
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1 in 3 is a .5 Pinoy production Music written and performed by Tim Crow.
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©.
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Transcript Emily Beynon.
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