78-Red Flag or Trauma? Navigating New Relationships with Kimberly Mathis

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Hi Warriors, welcome to One in Three.

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I'm your host, ingrid.

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I've brought you a lot of information over the last two years on the subject of domestic violence and in that timeframe I've welcomed fellow survivors, professionals and advocates to lend their expertise and their experience on the subject.

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I've loved every single opportunity.

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Today is no different, although today's episode does look a little bit different.

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Today we're talking about love after abuse how it feels, what it looks like and how to be okay with it.

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Don't worry, I'm not doing this by myself.

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I am welcoming on Coming on.

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Life coach and fellow podcaster.

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Host of Life Coached Kimberly Mathis.

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Hi, kimberly.

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Hi, welcome to One in Three.

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Thanks for joining me.

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Yeah, I'm so excited to be here.

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Actually, I'm very, very excited.

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I know I was just telling you this, but typically the episodes I have are a little bit of a heavier topic and we're not ignoring the domestic violence or abuse aspect, but this is a lighter side of it.

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It can be a lighter side of it.

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I guess it still could be heavy, but we're going to talk about dating and how that happens after abuse, because it has to happen eventually.

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But before we get started, do you mind just kind of giving a little bit of a background on yourself.

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Sure, I was a formerly a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice for several years and, as with so many other things, when COVID happened in 2020, it seemed like a time to pivot.

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I'd always wanted to do coaching, so I had recently finished up a coaching training and certification and I transitioned into that and was doing coaching only and, I guess, the start of 2021.

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And so have been a life coach ever since, really more of a general life coach.

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I do have a lot of knowledge because of my own experience with getting a later in life ADHD diagnosis, so I have a lot of knowledge about working with neurodivergent brains.

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But I would say I have worked with people on anything and everything, and the underlying theme and all of it is helping them change things that feel very unchangeable.

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So, whether that's relationship dynamics, things about themselves, their idea of themselves, we figure out a way to move towards that and that, I think, is a huge concept of dating post abuse, because one you think this is me.

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This is just the type I go for.

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I just happened to find these kind of men or women and, uh, I mean dating, dating kind of sucks anyway, um, but yeah, I think that's a huge concept in post-abuse dating.

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So, yeah, so there were a red flag versus.

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Is this just something that I, like my previous trauma is causing me to think is an issue?

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Yeah, yeah, I love all of the questions that you were kind of thinking through ahead of this, um, and I think one of the things I love about them is something that frustrates me, um, when I see a lot of stuff online, a lot of things, a lot of content feels very black and white and everything is just so much more nuanced, which is kind of frustrating when you are really trying to do some work on yourself or improve something, change something.

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It'd be so much more helpful just to have a very clear cut.

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Black and white like this is good, this is bad, do this, don't do that.

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Um, but life is just way more complicated.

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People and situations are way more complex.

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So the very first thing I thought of when I saw this question like how can I tell the difference between red flags and my own trauma responses is that red flags can be different for a lot of people.

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Some people like there's a compatibility issue that we have to think about.

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So something that like would not work for someone else and would trigger all sorts of things, doesn't have that same response in someone else.

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So the way I think about it like a red flag versus a trauma response is experience.

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It's, um, then the sensations, the feelings, the thoughts that are coming up in you, and a red flag, I think, is someone else's response to you.

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So I might say I'm having a lot of anxiety.

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You know, like that really bothered me.

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Oof that, something about that feels really icky.

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I share that with another person.

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How they handle that information and respond to it.

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Is the red flag or not red flag, red flag or green flag that I'm looking for?

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That makes sense.

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Does that make sense it?

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does.

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Does that make sense?

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It does so.

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I mean it really.

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It boils down to communicating, being able to communicate with a person and say you know, this is, this is me, this is bothering me, and yeah, yeah, Okay.

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Yep, and the things that I'm looking for are whether or not they are dismissive or they're validating, whether or not they are trying to talk me out of it really quickly, or they're just able to like be there with me while it's happening and they don't have to necessarily fix it.

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Um, whether they are willing to have more of a discussion about it, where they're curious and trying to understand.

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They're not trying to just give me their opinion or their perspective.

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I'm definitely going to pay attention to things like if they're making me feel silly or belittled or talked down to or like I'm crazy.

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You know I'm going to be paying attention to those sorts of things.

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That kind of response to whatever is happening within me is not the kind of response I'm looking for in a safe partner.

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Right, Right, that makes total sense and so okay.

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So then I have another question about the trauma responses.

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So when is it, or is is it ever okay to start discussing your past trauma?

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With a partner.

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Yeah.

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Now my personal opinion is that if you're going to be in a relationship with someone and they're going to have a significant role in your life, you're looking to build a long-term partnership with someone, they should know about it because at some point like it's not like, you either tell them or you never tell them, and it's got to start at the very beginning, but at some point they should know about it because it has been such a significant factor in your life and who you are and how you are navigating relationships.

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So, yes, I do think you should tell them.

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Now I think there are layers to that information and that story and you can say I do have a history of some pretty difficult relationships, maybe even some abuse.

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You could say that early on.

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You don't have to get into all of the details of it until you're ready to.

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It makes sense.

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And probably not like date number one material Right.

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Right, and I also think it depends a lot on where you are in your processing of it and your recovery from it.

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You know, if it feels like it's a very fresh, you know wound that is still, you know, needing to be tended to, like probably you want to be extra protective around it, and that's the way I think about it.

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It's not secretive, we're not trying to hide it.

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There's a difference between secrecy and privacy.

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Like secrets we're hiding, we're ashamed of them, we don't feel comfortable with them.

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Privacy is protective and we need to be protective with those parts of us until we know that the other person that we're sharing them with is a safe person to share those with and we'll be respectful and we'll be um, what's the word I'm looking for?

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Like we'll just be an emotionally safe person to hold that information from us.

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Right and I mean, I guess you know if you're really unsure of you know, if you're still feeling freshly wounded, maybe not jump into the dating scene quite yet.

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Maybe that's something that you need to reflect.

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Do some more inner reflection and inner healing before you jump into involving another person into your life.

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People have a lot of opinions around.

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You know how long you should be single and learning to live yourself, and and again, I think anything that sounds too black and white is just uh, it's missing the whole picture.

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Um, and I think it's totally subjective.

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It varies for everyone, but at some point it doesn't matter how much healing you have done and how much you care and love about yourself.

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You can't learn to be in a healthy relationship until you're in a relationship practicing all of those skills.

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You can't learn it all ahead of time and then be like, okay, now I'm ready, right, and then nothing like the relationship will just go smoothly and everything's fine and nothing comes up Like.

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Being in relationship with someone else is just a playground for those skills you know and experimenting with them and practicing and learning how to do it better, putting it into practice.

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Yeah, that I mean.

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That makes sense too.

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You can't train for dating before getting out there.

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Just a little bit off topic.

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So I know in one of your episodes you mentioned I don't did we say that you have a podcast?

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I?

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don't remember.

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No, we did Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, I forgot, I didn't even think about it, yeah.

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Yeah, so go ahead and just say what you have.

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Yeah, I have a podcast.

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It used to be called Decisions Change Everything.

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That was a mouthful for me, so I changed it to Life Coach and you can find it on Spotify or Apple Podcasts.

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Okay, and so I was listening to one of your episodes and you had mentioned Facebook dating and I actually had tried that a little bit.

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I had never done online dating before and I thought this one would be pretty easy.

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And you can see who if you have mutual friends, then that kind of helps too.

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I had a few friends steer me away from like no, no, no, not him.

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Oh yeah, yeah.

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But I didn't have any awful dates.

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I only went on three first dates and they all were good.

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Three first dates and they all were good, but I just decided I'm like I don't think, I just I just don't want to date right now, and and there's obviously there's nothing wrong with that, but I don't think I have any fresh wounds or I'm not healed or anything.

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It's just not a place I want to be in right now.

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It takes a lot of energy it does Like it really does, um, even if you are not on apps and you're like just trying to go out.

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It's that process of investing any time and energy, conversation into another human being and it takes effort, even on date one or date two.

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And if it doesn't go anywhere and that keeps happening over and over again, that can be really tiring.

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It can.

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And then even just the conversations to get to that first date is just so.

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I mean, how many times and I know, when you go on a first date, when you meet somebody out in the wild, it's the same thing You're getting to know people and you're having the same conversations over and over again.

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But just the whole online thing where I can be having the same conversation with five different people all at the same time and I'm just repeating myself over and over again, I just I couldn't do it.

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I thought you know what, let me just, let me just be okay with where I am right now.

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But so I didn't have, you know, I wasn't having expectations when I would go on when I went on these first dates.

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So it wasn't like I was analyzing anything at all.

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But if I were, if I were, maybe, if it was the second date or even the third date or whatever, and I was feeling actual feelings for this person and thinking, you know, perhaps we can start taking this to the next step.

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Next step how do you determine if somebody is genuinely a nice person, genuinely interested, versus the whole love bombing?

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Oh, I love this question.

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I love this question because what I want to emphasize is that good people engage in love bombing, like, I think, originally, when we kind of talked about this topic, it was like how do you know if someone is a good person or if they're love bombing?

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And the fact is, good people love bomb because that kind of behavior is just a unhealthy, maladaptive behavior and good people have not great relationship skills.

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Good people can have very kind hearts and not have learned.

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You know healthier ways of engaging and relating.

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Um, so I don't think love bombing in and of itself is always evil or bad, but it is always like maladaptive, it is always like not exactly healthy.

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Um, and I don't know if we need to like review what love bombing is.

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If your audience is like, oh, I know what that means.

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Maybe actually.

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Uh, I'm I'm sure pretty much everyone is coming in having a general idea, but I think that has been used so much yeah.

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Yeah, it's just way too much, way too fast.

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It's a lot of grandiose statements Like um, you're the most amazing woman I've ever met in my life, on, like day three, you know.

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Or um, I just don't want to be with anybody else, like, or it could be statements that kind of like elevate you above them, like they're.

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It feels like they're putting you on a pedestal.

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You know, I can't believe you want to go out with me again.

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It's just too much.

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And listen, I have ADHD.

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I have some raging ADHD.

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I can go like all in on something that for sure is one of my old patterns just because I get so excited, and that in and of itself isn't a bad thing.

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But I think when you are the receiver of that, and maybe especially when you have a history of like Ooh, I fell for that Like that really pulled me into a relationship that was not good very quickly, I think when you have that sense of like oh, this makes me slightly uncomfortable.

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The thing to do is to bring it up.

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The thing to do is to say it's really sweet of you, but it's making me a little uncomfortable.

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It just feels like a little too much, Like I want to get to know you better.

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Something about it is not okay.

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And again, the thing I'm looking for is how the other person responds to that.

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Right.

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You know, and there's a yeah, go ahead to that, Right, you know, and there's a yeah, go ahead.

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I was going to say there's probably a few clues to where they're not having the response that you want.

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So they could go down the route of you know, victim ish, of I can never do anything, right, I'm so sorry.

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Let me try again and almost like this grovelly yeah.

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Yeah.

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Yeah, or just completely dismiss what you said and continue doing what they're doing.

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Yep, but yeah, you go ahead.

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You're the professional here, I'm just talking.

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I was going to say like it's those things, exactly like that, especially early on, when you don't know a lot about this person and maybe their response is like I can't do anything right and I knew, like this was too good to be true.

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That's a no, no for me, because what they are, what that behavior is doing, is it's like you told me something that you didn't like.

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I'm unable to handle that.

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So now I'm emotionally like putting you in a position where I want you to make me feel better.

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Right.

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And then now you're turning into comforting them even though you were the one who felt uncomfortable.

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Yes, yep.

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So what we want is like more of a response like, oh my gosh, thank you for telling me.

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Like, yeah, I, I can see that, like I just get so excited, I really like you, I will tone it down, I don't want to make you uncomfortable, and that you actually see some follow through with that.

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That they stop making those same sorts of comments, that they do pull back a little bit, that they aren't pushing as much Because, again, like I said, some people can be very good people.

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This is how they were in past relationships.

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Maybe it's how they saw relationships modeled to them around them as they were growing up.

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They just may not know better.

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So it's what they do with the information that you give them about what's making you uncomfortable.

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That, I think, matters more than whether or not they're just engaging with that off the get-go.

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Yeah, and let's be honest, when you start a new relationship, everybody is on their best behavior.

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Yes, and you're putting your best foot forward and if you like the other person, you want them to like you back foot forward and you want, you want.

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If you like the other person, you want them to like you back.

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So you're going to maybe not show all your dirty, crazy or whatever, and so, and that could be considered love bombing in a way of their you know, portraying a different version.

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But it's just the consistency and the repetitive factor.

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So when you were saying, you know, if they scale back and they change, that's great, but then you also have to keep an eye out, for is it going to happen again in a couple of weeks?

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And then is this a conversation that keeps happening over and over and over again?

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Then it seems more that they're just placating you.

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Let me make these changes until they forget about this bothering them and I'll go back to my normal self.

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Yeah.

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Yep, love bombing is just it's um, it tends to feel like pressure.

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It tends to feel a little uncomfortable, like sure, it's nice, I want someone to like me so much, but this is like a lot, you know, like it's um, you know, I guess it's okay for them to say those things, but it's making me feel a little like there's just a little something that feels off Um.

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A lot of times love bombing will look like uh, push for a uh speed of moving forward.

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That maybe isn't what you were thinking or just seems a little too fast.

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If it's a great partner for you, it's okay for it to go a little bit slower.

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It's okay if you're like no, I don't want to spend every waking minute together at the very start, when we barely know each other.

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It's okay to have some boundaries.

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If they're a good partner for you, they aren't going to make your boundaries mean something negative.

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They're just going to be like oh, this is just information for me.

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Okay, sure, yes, and speaking of boundaries, I feel like they don't, and I'm only saying this because I have a friend who is going through something like this.

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They don't need to know where you are all the time, really ever, I think, if you were both capable adults.

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There's, unless you're going into a dangerous area and you need somebody to make sure that you're okay, but on a day-to-day basis, there's absolutely no reason why anybody needs to know where you are every minute.

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No, no, no, every day that immediately in my mind, that's pinging my radar for, like controlling.

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Absolutely, absolutely.

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Yep, Someone, who is it it?

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It gives a vibe of distressed of you, and that is no way to start off a relationship.

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Right, and I mean I get that.

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You know I'm in my late 40s now and anybody my age or you know even plus or minus 10 years we're coming to the table with baggage.

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And it's difficult to see like is he coming with his own baggage?

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Obviously he has his own baggage, but is he damaged, has he been hurt before, and is that why he has this need?

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I could like get on a soapbox about this because, as a recovering people pleaser myself and I'm codependent, like I have this.

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It's probably why I do a lot of the work I do and got into it is I am very empathetic, like I feel for people.

00:22:12.240 --> 00:22:20.983
I can like really feel what they must be feeling when I like put myself in that situation, have a lot of empathy.

00:22:20.983 --> 00:22:27.480
But that his baggage, what he has been through, ultimately it does not matter.

00:22:27.480 --> 00:22:29.022
It gives you context.

00:22:29.022 --> 00:22:33.534
It does not give you an excuse for it.

00:22:33.534 --> 00:22:42.073
Like, even if they do have all their baggage and you say I don't want to tell you, I just don't feel like that's necessary.

00:22:42.073 --> 00:22:50.294
I feel like we're not at that point in our relationship, like something about it doesn't feel good to me for you to know where I am all the time.

00:22:50.294 --> 00:22:55.892
If that stirs up things for them, they need to go talk to a therapist about it.

00:22:55.892 --> 00:23:06.644
They need to go figure out how to manage those feelings, because what they're essentially doing is having a lot of discomfort with whatever's coming up for them and they're wanting you to manage it through your behavior.

00:23:06.644 --> 00:23:08.009
Right.

00:23:08.250 --> 00:23:17.685
Okay, you know like yeah, it will make me feel better if you turn on your location all the time Because I'm insecure, right?

00:23:18.266 --> 00:23:21.951
Right and yeah, yeah, and I mean that goes the other way too.

00:23:21.951 --> 00:23:32.022
Like if that's something that you know is your issue, that you need to know where he is or she is all the time, then that's another time.

00:23:32.022 --> 00:23:35.569
You need to kind of look into yourself, like, okay, what's going on here?

00:23:35.569 --> 00:23:37.915
Because you know that's not okay.

00:23:37.915 --> 00:23:40.611
I shouldn't be controlling somebody else in the same respect.

00:23:40.611 --> 00:23:43.258
Yep, yep, okay.

00:23:43.258 --> 00:23:53.739
So let's say, now you finally get into a relationship and things are good, but you're not used to a good relationship.

00:23:53.739 --> 00:24:02.945
You're used to chaos and drama and being second guest and doing things on your own and having different expectations.

00:24:02.945 --> 00:24:13.961
How do you then accept the good stuff, like accept the support and not wonder if there's an ulterior motive behind it?

00:24:13.961 --> 00:24:20.838
How do you accept the understanding and not think that it's like some sort of gaslighting happening?

00:24:20.838 --> 00:24:33.461
And even if you're not second guessing the intentions, how do you just live and understand that there is another person that truly cares for you and wants to support you?

00:24:33.865 --> 00:24:40.602
Yeah, I think you know I've noticed this so much in my current relationship.

00:24:40.602 --> 00:24:56.731
I did a podcast episode on it where I had my boyfriend on and we talked about how difficult it has been for me to have a partner that's so supportive and emotionally available and emotionally intelligent, because I'm just not used to it.

00:24:56.731 --> 00:25:09.025
And one of the things I noticed that is an old habit is me trying to figure out what he really means or feels, what he's really thinking.

00:25:09.025 --> 00:25:14.165
You know, and part of my learning has been like that may come up, like there's.

00:25:14.165 --> 00:25:17.692
It's been wired in there for a long time.

00:25:17.692 --> 00:25:22.951
You know I did that for a long time, so it may still come up and I can't get rid of that.

00:25:22.951 --> 00:25:31.271
My job is to get a whole lot better at recognizing it when it's coming up and to learn to.

00:25:31.432 --> 00:25:38.685
It's almost like a mantra of sorts that I want to let an adult be an adult.

00:25:38.685 --> 00:25:41.714
It's not my job to figure it out.

00:25:41.714 --> 00:25:46.146
It's his job as an adult to tell me what he's really thinking and feeling.

00:25:46.146 --> 00:25:52.978
And if he's not doing that, if he's lying to me, there's also not much I can do about that.

00:25:52.978 --> 00:25:55.352
Right, I can't be the mind reader.

00:25:55.352 --> 00:25:57.112
I can't make him do that.

00:25:57.112 --> 00:25:58.330
I can't be on his case.

00:25:59.227 --> 00:26:07.055
So if he's lying to me, like at some point, that will come out probably, and then I have information that I'm going to have to make a decision with.

00:26:07.055 --> 00:26:14.076
But in the meantime it's much better on my mental health just to assume the best.

00:26:14.076 --> 00:26:16.200
Assume that he is an adult.

00:26:16.200 --> 00:26:33.597
If he didn't say X, y or Z, I don't need to try.

00:26:33.597 --> 00:26:54.866
When I have tried to figure it out, when I've, like, pressed something or push something like are you sure that's what you mean, or you know, just ruminating about it, I've almost created a situation, a dynamic, where they didn't have to figure out how to communicate because I was always kind of doing the work for them.

00:26:56.170 --> 00:26:56.369
Does that?

00:26:56.390 --> 00:26:56.830
make sense.

00:26:57.353 --> 00:26:58.194
It totally does.

00:26:58.555 --> 00:26:59.637
I would pull it out of you.

00:26:59.637 --> 00:27:02.390
You know you could be passive, aggressive.

00:27:02.390 --> 00:27:13.192
I'm going to be the one that initiates and like come on, let's talk about it to where you finally have to, instead of just leaving them be and like if they have a problem, they have to learn to come tell me.

00:27:13.973 --> 00:27:39.218
Right and I think the part where I feel like that's probably going to be a common issue with anyone who's been in these abusive relationships, because you get to a point where you are anticipating their every move, their mood, and you are changing your behavior, what you're going to do, what you're going to say, based on how you think they're going to react?

00:27:39.458 --> 00:28:16.575
Yes, so I think, yeah, that's really difficult to then just relax, yeah, and well, I think it was towards the end of that podcast episode when my partner and I were talking where we, kind of you, had to, like, figure out the perfect way to say something so that they didn't get mad or upset.

00:28:17.176 --> 00:28:19.609
You know you weren't honest a lot of times.

00:28:19.609 --> 00:28:22.637
It was very strategic, it was very calculated.

00:28:22.637 --> 00:28:29.397
You didn't feel like you could just be open and transparent and forthcoming.

00:28:29.397 --> 00:28:35.310
So, as soon as possible in a new relationship, that's what you need to be doing.

00:28:35.310 --> 00:28:44.597
You need to be saying the thing, even if you're afraid they might not like you or they might disagree with it or they might get upset about it.

00:28:44.597 --> 00:28:50.708
You need to be as honest as possible because how they respond to that again it's like going back to the first thing we talked about.

00:28:50.708 --> 00:29:02.116
How they respond to your honesty tells you so much about what kind of partnership they're going to be in with you and they get crazy about it.

00:29:02.116 --> 00:29:09.666
Right, if they get super mad, if they don't handle it well, if they're trying to argue with you like this is good information for you to have now.

00:29:10.567 --> 00:29:15.856
Right, but yeah, before you get sucked into a situation where you feel like you're stuck.

00:29:15.856 --> 00:29:28.310
Yes, yes, I listened to that episode and I think you asked him or you told him what I'm worried, like he liked to cook for you or he does all the cooking.

00:29:28.310 --> 00:29:30.354
He does like all the cooking, yes.

00:29:30.354 --> 00:29:39.940
And you said you know, but I'm worried about, like are you going to one day be upset that you're doing all the cooking?

00:29:39.940 --> 00:29:42.451
And as soon as you said that, I was like, oh my gosh.

00:29:42.451 --> 00:29:47.087
Yes, exactly, I would be thinking the exact same thing Like how do I know?

00:29:47.087 --> 00:29:48.211
You're okay with this?

00:29:48.211 --> 00:29:51.392
Yeah, you know, and for whatever, that's not my job.

00:29:51.944 --> 00:29:52.490
Right, you're okay with this.

00:29:52.490 --> 00:30:03.730
Yeah, you know, and for whatever job, right, like that's ultimately what it comes down to, is like it's not my job to anticipate that or figure out when that has happened or just believe that that's going to be the case.

00:30:03.730 --> 00:30:22.970
What my job is is to be an open and receptive partner, to make communicating with me a safe thing to do, so that if at some point he's like you know what, like I'm just tired of doing all the meals, like can we reevaluate this?

00:30:22.970 --> 00:30:33.615
That's a fine conversation to have, and I also want a relationship where he knows I'm not going to try to just figure that out.

00:30:33.615 --> 00:30:41.028
If he doesn't want to do it at some point, he needs to communicate that to me, right, like I'm not going to do that emotional labor for him.

00:30:42.292 --> 00:30:44.179
And okay, so this just popped in my head.

00:30:44.179 --> 00:31:06.788
So I was, I was sort of conditioned to always, anytime something was done, even though it was like a partnership and it was just you know, partners do things for partners that if I, if he had done something that wasn't immediately followed by over the top gratitude from me, then it was like, did you not just notice what I did?

00:31:06.788 --> 00:31:09.234
Like how come you're not paying attention?

00:31:09.255 --> 00:31:09.957
to what I just did.

00:31:09.957 --> 00:31:12.028
Yeah, does that go both ways, like how?

00:31:12.048 --> 00:31:13.671
come you're not paying attention to what I just did.

00:31:13.671 --> 00:31:14.250
Yeah, Does that go both ways?

00:31:14.250 --> 00:31:15.232
Right, Right, and that's the thing.

00:31:15.232 --> 00:31:17.036
Like I would do things and they would just go.

00:31:17.036 --> 00:31:19.339
It was like unnoticed, yeah.

00:31:19.339 --> 00:31:29.634
But I think if I were to take your situation, if I were in that situation, I would wonder am I supposed to go over the top, Like thank you so much for this meal that you just cooked.

00:31:29.634 --> 00:31:34.068
It's the most delicious you know BLT I've ever?

00:31:34.109 --> 00:31:34.410
had.

00:31:34.410 --> 00:31:35.733
What's the difference?

00:31:35.733 --> 00:31:45.773
Like if I were to ask you if I had no idea what you're talking about when you say over the top, what would be over the top gratitude versus gratitude?

00:31:46.054 --> 00:31:50.191
Well, instead of like hey, thanks for making dinner tonight, it was good.

00:31:50.191 --> 00:31:55.567
Yeah, it had to be like oh my gosh, this dinner and it could be something.

00:31:55.567 --> 00:32:02.150
A boxed up mac and cheese Like this is the most delicious mac and cheese I've ever had.

00:32:02.631 --> 00:32:03.272
Yeah, it's better than-.

00:32:03.272 --> 00:32:07.306
When you think about doing that, what's the feeling that you're having?

00:32:08.705 --> 00:32:10.626
Oh, it's fake, it's not authentic.

00:32:10.626 --> 00:32:13.107
Yes, you know, yeah, performative.

00:32:13.508 --> 00:32:24.632
Let's say Right and you have to because you're afraid of what happens if you don't Exactly, yeah, that's very different than I just want to be a grateful partner.

00:32:24.632 --> 00:32:27.192
I don't want to take things for granted.

00:32:27.192 --> 00:32:29.753
So I'm like thanks a lot for making dinner.

00:32:29.753 --> 00:32:31.574
I really appreciate that you made dinner.

00:32:31.574 --> 00:32:37.096
It's really good, you know, like that's what I do, that's what he does.

00:32:37.096 --> 00:32:47.019
Also, because we just want to have a relationship that we don't take for granted, that we remember to say like you didn't have to do all of this.

00:32:47.019 --> 00:32:50.060
I want you to know I recognize that and I appreciate it.

00:32:50.060 --> 00:32:56.503
That feels very different than, oh my gosh, like you're just the best ever.

00:32:56.503 --> 00:32:57.364
This is amazing.

00:32:57.364 --> 00:32:58.509
I just don't deserve you.

00:32:58.509 --> 00:33:06.375
Thank you so much for doing this and I'm having to do that every night because I'm afraid of what happens if I don't.

00:33:06.896 --> 00:33:07.257
Right.

00:33:07.857 --> 00:33:10.965
Right, yeah, I think that's the relationship.

00:33:35.306 --> 00:33:53.037
And you come out, you know a shell of what you used to be and to figure out how to put all those pieces back together and figure out who you are, it's like you have to re-identify your identity and like you have to know all of that.

00:33:53.037 --> 00:33:54.669
So then you can.

00:33:54.669 --> 00:33:56.054
So then you know your boundaries.

00:33:56.054 --> 00:33:58.530
Um, I can't.

00:33:58.530 --> 00:34:11.516
I was talking to somebody about like love, and then there, there really should not be anything as unconditional love, unless it's like a parent to a child, because unconditional means no boundaries, right and yep.

00:34:11.516 --> 00:34:14.403
Healthy relationships have boundaries Right and healthy relationships have boundaries Yep.

00:34:15.125 --> 00:34:40.097
Yep, I was watching I'm a sucker for a reality TV like trash TV shows where it's like love is blind, you know, and the ultimatum, which they're horrible when it comes to relationship stuff Just awful examples, right, and something that I see all the time is like these people who have really unhealthy dynamics, like they're just not there's like a major compatibility issue.

00:34:40.097 --> 00:34:45.371
They're hurting each other all the time and they're like but I'm so in love, like I just love them so much.

00:34:45.371 --> 00:34:46.469
I've never loved anyone else.

00:34:46.469 --> 00:34:51.476
And what I am always thinking is like we can love people that are terrible for us.

00:34:51.476 --> 00:34:55.315
Like love is not the deciding factor.

00:34:55.565 --> 00:34:58.818
I think too much emphasis is placed on just the feelings we have.

00:34:58.818 --> 00:35:05.092
Because we can have feelings for so many different kinds of people, that doesn't mean they're a good fit for us.

00:35:05.092 --> 00:35:14.887
Like, when it comes down to it, yes, do I want to love someone, of course, and do they engage in relationship the same way that I do?

00:35:14.887 --> 00:35:18.940
Do they communicate in a way that works really well with me?

00:35:18.940 --> 00:35:21.286
Do we have similar ways of expressing love?

00:35:21.286 --> 00:35:26.438
Do we have the same kind of daily routines that are going to mesh well?

00:35:26.438 --> 00:35:28.509
Do we want the same things for our lives?

00:35:28.509 --> 00:35:36.072
Like it's all of those compatibility things that matter more so than just I have feelings for them.

00:35:37.155 --> 00:35:38.336
All right, Because I mean you can.

00:35:38.336 --> 00:35:45.465
You can love friends, you can love a lot of people and that doesn't mean that that's the person that you should be living with.

00:35:45.646 --> 00:35:46.726
And yeah.

00:35:46.726 --> 00:35:49.108
Yeah, that makes sense.

00:35:49.447 --> 00:35:50.748
The other thing I was going to say about.

00:35:50.748 --> 00:36:31.074
You know, the like has been new for me and my current relationship is being really honest about when I'm feeling uncomfortable with it, like when I notice it being hard, when I notice it stirring up like any worries or concerns because in the past X, y, z happened because you know I wasn't paying attention, or blah, blah, blah, or it didn't feel okay.

00:36:31.074 --> 00:36:41.012
Just being open about that and not asking them to necessarily do anything different, but just saying like I just want you to know like I'm.

00:36:41.012 --> 00:36:53.398
This is a stretch for me, like I'm practicing, you know, and I think it helps to have a partner who's like that's okay, like we can go at your pace, totally fine.

00:36:54.398 --> 00:37:16.094
Um, and I even think it can be helpful to have come up with like code words for like naming, like that's what's happening here, maybe like he's trying to give me compliments or do something for me or offer support, and he doesn't feel like I'm receiving it, like I'm like resistant to it or pushing it away.

00:37:16.094 --> 00:37:22.608
He can say the code word it's like this, it's this one's happening right now, like is this thing coming up?

00:37:22.608 --> 00:37:24.132
Or vice versa.

00:37:24.132 --> 00:37:27.811
It's like he's trying to do something and I'm like Ooh, I noticed it happening in me.

00:37:27.811 --> 00:37:34.811
I can just say the code word, so we don't even have to go into a big discussion about it.

00:37:34.811 --> 00:37:44.567
There's nothing to like fix, it's just like oh, let's have a moment of awareness that, like, there's this thing in the room with us right now you know, I love that.

00:37:44.586 --> 00:37:54.965
That's that shows like the mutual respect for each other too, which is super key too, which is super key.

00:37:54.985 --> 00:37:56.349
Um, cause, it's not really about the like surface level thing.

00:37:56.349 --> 00:38:07.237
Whether it's like financially he wants to help or he's gone out of his way to do X, y or Z, or he's being really complimentary, you know, whatever it is, that's the surface level thing.

00:38:07.237 --> 00:38:13.458
So we don't need to get into any kind of like argument about that thing and what's okay and what's not okay.

00:38:13.458 --> 00:38:21.018
It's like underneath that, the surface level thing is stirring other stuff up like old stuff.

00:38:21.898 --> 00:38:32.076
Right, and I mean, I know I'm carrying around a lot of old stuff, I'm still in therapy, which is fine, and I feel like I have a very good self-awareness.

00:38:32.076 --> 00:38:50.952
But you know, just having a conversation once with a friend who had asked you know, what would you do if you're ever dating somebody and he asks you to quit your job, and immediately it was like prickly, I'm like no, because I'm independent and I'm not going to depend on him.

00:38:50.952 --> 00:38:53.918
And he said, well, what if that's not the intention?

00:38:53.918 --> 00:39:07.775
What if the intention is you're killing yourself working so much and I have the financial capability of taking off some of that load so you can concentrate more on whatever?

00:39:07.775 --> 00:39:11.695
And I said that sounds a lot better.

00:39:11.695 --> 00:39:15.726
You know whatever?

00:39:15.726 --> 00:39:16.690
And I said that sounds a lot better.

00:39:16.690 --> 00:39:17.150
But I think I would.

00:39:17.150 --> 00:39:20.059
I personally would still have little pricklies up and I wouldn't.

00:39:20.059 --> 00:39:22.126
I definitely wouldn't just jump into that.

00:39:22.786 --> 00:39:31.630
Yeah Well, I think the thing I I keep coming back to is like you don't have to accept anything.

00:39:31.630 --> 00:39:35.510
It doesn't matter how they want to support you or how they want to give affection or whatever.

00:39:35.510 --> 00:39:45.157
If it doesn't feel like a good fit for you whether it's just not a good fit right now, or it may not ever be a good fit it's just not what you like.

00:39:45.157 --> 00:39:51.255
You don't have to accept or like anything just because your partner does.

00:39:51.255 --> 00:39:55.847
You can still say like that's just a no for me and how they respond to.

00:39:55.847 --> 00:39:56.849
That is everything.

00:39:57.711 --> 00:40:02.807
Yes, yeah, it's like I would love to but clearly it's like not your thing.

00:40:03.068 --> 00:40:04.371
Okay, right.

00:40:04.371 --> 00:40:06.574
If they make it into.

00:40:06.574 --> 00:40:17.612
Well, I want to, and clearly you won't let me love you Like you're not letting me take care of you the way I want to, and clearly you won't let me love you Like you're not letting me take care of you the way I want to take care of you and you shouldn't.

00:40:17.612 --> 00:40:19.608
It's going to be hurtful to me if you don't like.

00:40:19.608 --> 00:40:21.775
That's more of a problem.

00:40:22.217 --> 00:40:24.344
Yeah, that's not such a good thing.

00:40:24.344 --> 00:40:25.545
That's a control issue.

00:40:25.545 --> 00:40:31.713
Yeah, yeah, um, and definitely like in in the initial stages of dating.

00:40:31.713 --> 00:40:40.313
I have told my friends so many times I'm like you don't owe them anything, so you know they want to go on a second date.

00:40:40.313 --> 00:40:49.358
You don't have to say yes to a second date, or they have expectations of getting physical because of you know, whatever preceded that.

00:40:49.358 --> 00:41:10.351
You don't owe them anything and in a relationship I think it's somewhat true, but I wouldn't say you don't owe them anything, like I think you owe a respect and you owe, you know, consideration of feelings and it does adjust a little bit at that point.

00:41:10.471 --> 00:41:11.271
adjust a little bit at that point.

00:41:11.291 --> 00:41:12.755
But yeah, but it's.

00:41:12.755 --> 00:41:15.699
It's just a different scenario.

00:41:15.699 --> 00:41:24.670
When it's early in a relationship and you're not even in a relationship yet, you know, like dating is not the same as being in a relationship.

00:41:24.670 --> 00:41:28.559
Um, there was something else I was just about to say.

00:41:28.559 --> 00:41:37.594
Oh, there was a dating coach who I loved and followed I like binged her podcast when I started dating.

00:41:37.594 --> 00:41:42.594
Her name is Lily Womble, and there's something that she said.

00:41:42.594 --> 00:41:49.173
I heard it over and over again in her social media and whatnot but essentially it's that you can't say the wrong thing to the right person.

00:41:50.597 --> 00:41:51.398
Oh, I like that.

00:41:51.844 --> 00:41:52.108
You know.

00:41:52.108 --> 00:42:17.905
So if you need boundaries, if you say this is making me uncomfortable, if you say I just don't want to do that right now, if they have a big reaction to it, they're just not your right person, because the right person will be like oh, okay, like you and I might be different, but like okay, this is not a problem, and I think it's easy to to like, get into this like who's in the right, who's in the wrong?

00:42:17.905 --> 00:42:27.554
Kind of scenario, like, oh, he did something bad, or you should be more X, y or Z, and I think we just need to do away with that.

00:42:27.554 --> 00:42:28.789
It's just like oh.

00:42:28.789 --> 00:42:39.197
So here's more information, and that information is suggesting to me that we may have some differences that are not compatible with a long-term relationship.

00:42:39.605 --> 00:42:49.635
Right, like we might be great together in all these other ways and we fit so well and like on paper we should be riding off into the sunset together.

00:42:49.635 --> 00:42:52.206
But in reality I might.

00:42:52.206 --> 00:42:54.891
I'm just not the person for you, or you're just not the person for me.

00:42:54.891 --> 00:42:57.416
Yeah, yeah.

00:42:57.538 --> 00:42:58.179
It's just lots.

00:42:58.179 --> 00:43:02.496
There's always opportunity to practice stuff.

00:43:02.496 --> 00:43:05.009
That's what it is.

00:43:05.009 --> 00:43:18.976
And messy One of my coach friends who coaches on like marriage and relationships she's just always like messy is better than perfect because messy has you out there doing it.

00:43:18.976 --> 00:43:28.208
We're never going to get it perfect and if we keep waiting for it to be that way before we get started, we never actually figure it out Right.

00:43:28.208 --> 00:43:44.938
Like messy means you're at least doing it and attempting and figuring it out, and messy is real, yeah, when we're also trying to like, do relationships differently really with anything, but in particular relationships, there can also be a sense of like.

00:43:45.405 --> 00:43:46.146
If I didn't state the boundary.

00:43:46.146 --> 00:43:49.376
Like if I realized after the fact, right, that like Ooh, that didn't feel good, ooh, I should have spoken up.

00:43:49.376 --> 00:43:49.496
Ooh.

00:43:49.496 --> 00:43:53.827
If I realize after the fact, right, that like Ooh, that didn't feel good, ooh, I should have spoken up.

00:43:53.827 --> 00:43:56.976
Ooh, I wanted to have a boundary there and I didn't.

00:43:56.976 --> 00:44:01.052
There is no rule book that says you can't bring it up after the fact.

00:44:01.052 --> 00:44:03.947
There's no rule book that says you can't change your mind.

00:44:04.047 --> 00:44:06.672
Something that you said was okay is now not okay.

00:44:06.672 --> 00:44:13.625
And again it's like I want to know how the other person responds to that conversation.

00:44:13.625 --> 00:44:21.632
Like I know I said I was okay with it, but the more I've been thinking about it, there's just something that feels off and I actually don't think I like it.

00:44:21.632 --> 00:44:23.952
Could we please not do X, y or Z?

00:44:23.952 --> 00:44:26.032
Could you not X, y or Z?

00:44:26.032 --> 00:44:33.117
You know, I need more of whatever turns out and how they respond If they're like what.

00:44:33.117 --> 00:44:37.452
But you said and now you're just taking it back and well, I don't understand why.

00:44:37.452 --> 00:44:39.224
It was fine, that's not what we want.

00:44:39.224 --> 00:44:42.452
That's a, that's a big red flag, right, that's a big red X.

00:44:43.355 --> 00:44:54.806
We want someone who's like oh, okay, well, like I was kind of hoping for whatever, but if it's just not feeling okay for you right now, that's not a problem.

00:44:54.806 --> 00:44:59.096
Like okay, that'll be fine, we can reorient.

00:44:59.096 --> 00:45:01.266
Like sure, we can go back to X, y or Z.

00:45:01.266 --> 00:45:19.936
Right, if you're not having that conversation, like it's okay, if you missed an opportunity, or if you realize, ooh, it was my old pattern coming up and now I see it clearly, by all means, go and have that conversation now that you've recognized it.

00:45:19.936 --> 00:45:23.572
Yes, like that's the messy part, right?

00:45:24.266 --> 00:45:28.592
Well, I have a friend who is saying you know, I feel bad.

00:45:28.592 --> 00:45:31.217
He's so nice and he's trying really hard.

00:45:31.217 --> 00:45:32.800
And I know that I'm a lot.

00:45:32.800 --> 00:45:38.197
And I said why are you apologizing for who you are?

00:45:38.197 --> 00:45:42.496
And I know I make it hard for him, I'm just trying to make it easier.

00:45:42.496 --> 00:45:44.192
I'm like, why are you trying to make it easy for him?

00:45:44.192 --> 00:45:51.096
If he actually legitimately likes you and the actual, real you, then it shouldn't be hard.

00:45:51.096 --> 00:45:52.237
You're not too much for the right person.

00:45:52.898 --> 00:45:55.311
Right, no, I spent so much.

00:45:55.311 --> 00:46:12.831
I think it had to do with my undiagnosed ADHD, but my pattern in relationships was we have to keep a lid on it, on the too muchness we have to keep a lid on all the too muchness, because we need to make sure they like us first before they see all of that.

00:46:13.213 --> 00:46:18.858
Right, you know, and let out a little bit at a time once they're like in and committed.

00:46:18.858 --> 00:46:25.929
That was the absolute wrong way to go about it, because I need to have all the too muchness out there from the get go.

00:46:25.929 --> 00:46:27.672
Do they like that?

00:46:27.672 --> 00:46:32.168
Because that's the only way it's going to work with me.

00:46:32.807 --> 00:46:34.849
Yes, you know, I tamped down.

00:46:35.829 --> 00:46:42.213
No, I am no One of my friends who we all kind of jumped into this Facebook dating thing all at the same time.

00:46:42.213 --> 00:46:46.976
We live in different locations, so there was no like cross whatever.

00:46:46.976 --> 00:46:55.242
But we were just comparing notes and one of them said, hey, look into this book, it's like a dating app book or whatever.

00:46:55.242 --> 00:47:03.228
And so I got the, I downloaded the Audible and I was listening to it and I said, okay, I'm having a hard time taking advice from a 20-year-old.

00:47:03.228 --> 00:47:06.619
We are at totally different stages in our lives, you know.

00:47:06.619 --> 00:47:14.670
And one of the things that she said is you know, make sure they don't see all of you right out of the gate.

00:47:14.670 --> 00:47:25.005
And I was like, well, I mean, I know that I can be, you know a bit much, but that's also me, you know.

00:47:27.172 --> 00:47:28.114
I don't want you to find.

00:47:28.114 --> 00:47:38.099
Like why am I going to hold off on you finding out now and wait until two years down the line and like, okay, now you get to see the real me, yeah.

00:47:38.199 --> 00:47:41.559
No, no, no, no no no, no no, no, no, no, no, no.

00:47:42.190 --> 00:47:42.650
There was a.

00:47:42.650 --> 00:47:59.440
I was just telling one of my teenage daughters yesterday about an experience I had on hinge I think it was on hinge where I matched with a guy and we were chatting and chatting seemed to be going well.

00:47:59.440 --> 00:48:12.117
We were making plans to maybe like go meet up somewhere, and then he asked if I was on Instagram and I was like yes, and he was like well, can I see your profile?

00:48:12.117 --> 00:48:15.775
And I was like okay, so I sent it.

00:48:15.775 --> 00:48:31.764
And then immediately in my body, I was like because I have a lot of like quirky stuff on Instagram, I dance around, I'm like I like to be silly, you know, I just it's very me.

00:48:31.764 --> 00:48:37.141
And I had an instant moment of panic of like oh no, and I started to apologize for it.

00:48:37.141 --> 00:48:39.762
Like hey, and I started to apologize for it.

00:48:39.762 --> 00:48:41.846
Like hey, you know, I know it's a lot blah, blah, blah.

00:48:41.846 --> 00:48:53.998
Next thing, I know my chat has disappeared, Uh-huh, and he unmatched, oh my gosh, which just like means it's just vanished.

00:48:53.998 --> 00:49:04.512
You know all the chatting has vanished and I had such rejection but, like a lot of people with ADHD have RSD, which is rejection, sensitive dysphoria, Okay and um.

00:49:05.032 --> 00:49:11.264
So, like any perceived rejection, criticism is like a very physical, like painful, very intense thing.

00:49:11.264 --> 00:49:12.534
It was awful.

00:49:12.534 --> 00:49:19.036
It felt awful because I knew he saw my Instagram, he saw more of who I was and my personality and was like that's a no.

00:49:19.036 --> 00:49:28.061
That felt terrible at the time and also like now that I have some space from it, right like I boohooed about it.

00:49:28.061 --> 00:49:35.378
I called a friend because it just hurt, did not feel good, but thank God he weeded himself out.

00:49:36.601 --> 00:49:41.849
Right, because you don't want to be with somebody, right, I think you also.

00:49:41.849 --> 00:49:44.804
I know I didn't like stalk you.

00:49:44.804 --> 00:49:51.592
I just listened to your podcast, but you said something about how you get with your sister and you're goofy and whatever.

00:49:51.592 --> 00:49:54.878
I was cracking up Because my sister and I are so strange.

00:49:54.878 --> 00:50:02.501
Yes, and we can be over the top, and I think you mentioned that your ex Didn't like it when you guys were together.

00:50:02.501 --> 00:50:04.934
Oh, no, no, no, and we've dreaded it.

00:50:04.934 --> 00:50:14.873
Yes, we've each been in relationships where, like our partners, whether we were married to them or not was like I just yeah, it's like.

00:50:14.932 --> 00:50:17.246
I was keeping it stuffed in.

00:50:17.246 --> 00:50:22.695
Yeah, so when my sister and I were together, it finally had a way to come out Right, and they did not like that.

00:50:23.536 --> 00:50:27.148
And you want to know if someone like this.

00:50:27.148 --> 00:50:31.679
It's very counterintuitive, it does not feel like it's the way it should be.

00:50:31.679 --> 00:50:45.840
When you have tried to be a people pleaser your whole life and avoided conflict and you've wanted everyone to like you, but now like to be in a really good relationship and be dating, you want to know if someone doesn't like something.

00:50:45.840 --> 00:50:47.751
You want to know if someone isn't interested.

00:50:47.751 --> 00:50:53.351
You want to know if someone is like that's not compatible with me, like that's not what I'm into.

00:50:53.351 --> 00:51:04.666
That's great information and thank God they're being honest about it so that you don't get attached to someone who's not going to be a good fit for you and let you be who you are.

00:51:04.666 --> 00:51:08.219
Oh yeah, it's not saying something about you is wrong.

00:51:08.219 --> 00:51:13.581
It's just not for them, which means someone else is for you.

00:51:13.862 --> 00:51:31.269
Yep, I don't want to have to hide any of that for someone else and to go from I want someone to pick me to yeah, that feels good, but I need to be doing the picking, like what I think and what I want and what I need matters a whole lot.

00:51:32.411 --> 00:51:41.536
That was a big, big shift, yeah yeah, I mean I, I started looking at life over the last few years.

00:51:41.536 --> 00:51:44.117
I'm like you know what I would love a partner.

00:51:44.117 --> 00:51:50.320
And I have, you know, friends who they're remarried, and you know I look at them.

00:51:50.320 --> 00:51:54.382
I'm like, oh, that's just what a lovely little family and I would love to have that.

00:51:54.382 --> 00:52:03.748
I'm not opposed to it at all, but I'm also not sitting and pining away for like I have to have that relationship.

00:52:03.748 --> 00:52:08.237
I'm just going to be okay with where I am.

00:52:08.237 --> 00:52:11.391
And I looked in the mirror one time and I'm like I choose me.

00:52:11.391 --> 00:52:17.063
I'm not going to choose like, let me not be me, so I can fit into this mold.

00:52:17.063 --> 00:52:23.351
So then I can find like the ideal partner to live the rest of my life with.

00:52:23.351 --> 00:52:26.018
Like no, I'm actually, I'll just choose me.

00:52:26.018 --> 00:52:31.518
And then at some point somebody else is going to choose me too, maybe, maybe not.

00:52:31.518 --> 00:52:33.021
Yeah, but I'm okay with it.

00:52:33.262 --> 00:52:50.043
I felt kind of bad for a while, like I wondered if something was wrong with me, because I tend to be a very independent, self-reliant woman and at the same time there's this part of me that's like I was single technically, I guess.

00:52:50.043 --> 00:53:06.077
For maybe I'm usually like a serial monogamist I get into relationships, I'm in them for a while and I'm all in, and so I didn't date for that long and I didn't swear off dating for that long after my last relationship ended.

00:53:06.599 --> 00:53:28.864
I felt kind of bad about that, like is there something wrong with me that I can't be alone and thank God most of my friends are coaches, because I could always like have a coach on speed dial and it was just like, but what if it's okay that it's just something I want in my life, you know, and I just like being in relationship.

00:53:28.864 --> 00:53:35.579
I feel very fulfilled, I feel very joyful in relationship, so by all means, go for it.

00:53:35.579 --> 00:53:38.364
But how am I going to go for it this time?

00:53:38.364 --> 00:53:40.275
How am I going about it?

00:53:40.275 --> 00:53:42.972
Like I don't have to be single forever.

00:53:42.972 --> 00:53:50.496
I don't have to like spend a you know a certain amount of time just being single to show myself I can do it, or anything like that.

00:53:50.496 --> 00:53:51.719
Like I want a relationship.

00:53:52.461 --> 00:53:53.952
By all means, go find a relationship.

00:53:53.952 --> 00:53:58.480
And am I living my life the way I want to?

00:53:58.480 --> 00:54:00.143
Am I doing things that I enjoy?

00:54:00.143 --> 00:54:10.210
Am I being my full self and getting myself out of the house, doing things that are of interest to me all, while being open to meeting someone?

00:54:10.210 --> 00:54:12.277
Like that's the way to do it.

00:54:12.277 --> 00:54:14.217
I didn't make it my sole focus.

00:54:14.217 --> 00:54:23.123
I made it very intentional, but it also had to fit into the life I wanted to have for myself.

00:54:23.282 --> 00:54:26.856
Okay, is there anything else that you think can think of I?

00:54:26.876 --> 00:54:27.820
don't think so.

00:54:27.820 --> 00:54:30.155
I mean, there's so many things I could talk about.

00:54:30.858 --> 00:54:31.539
Yeah, same Same.

00:54:31.539 --> 00:54:34.432
Maybe we should do this again.

00:54:34.432 --> 00:54:35.434
Covered some good stuff.

00:54:35.434 --> 00:54:39.072
Yeah, I think so, I think so, I think definitely a lot, I'll get.

00:54:39.072 --> 00:54:40.458
Yeah, I'll get some feedback.

00:54:40.458 --> 00:54:47.201
Yeah, I think so, I think so, I think definitely a lot I'll get.00:54:47.280 --> 00:55:14.177


Yeah, I'll get some feedback and then, if there is more stuff, then maybe we can have you back on Before we go can you just go over like your podcast name again and then, if any-on-one clients, my website is KimberlyMathiscom and you can find me on Facebook and Instagram at the Kimberly Mathis and my podcast is called Life Coach on Spotify and Apple, okay, and I'll have links to all of that in the show notes.00:55:14.297 --> 00:55:18.438


And then I know you created a guest profile for the one in three websites, so all of that will be there too.00:55:18.438 --> 00:55:19.202


Very easy for people to find you.00:55:19.202 --> 00:55:20.327


But all of that will be there too.00:55:20.327 --> 00:55:23.177


Awesome, very easy for people to find you.00:55:23.177 --> 00:55:25.056


But thank you so much for coming on.00:55:25.056 --> 00:55:27.608


It was nice to have a nice light episode.00:55:27.628 --> 00:55:29.452


Yeah, thank you so much for having me.00:55:29.692 --> 00:55:30.413


It's great.00:55:30.413 --> 00:55:31.793


It's an important topic.00:55:31.793 --> 00:55:32.715


I'm very excited.00:55:32.715 --> 00:55:33.956


Thank you All.00:55:33.956 --> 00:55:35.717


Right, okay, bye, bye.00:55:35.717 --> 00:55:38.481


That was a super fun episode to record.00:55:38.481 --> 00:55:43.927


So thank you again, kimberly, for joining me, and thank all of you for listening.00:55:43.927 --> 00:55:50.943


The links that Kimberly referred to will be found in the show notes, along with the link to her one in three website profile.00:55:50.943 --> 00:55:54.539


I will be back next week with another episode.00:55:54.539 --> 00:56:02.985


For you, until then, stay strong and, wherever you are in your journey, always remember you are not alone.00:56:06.672 --> 00:56:11.349


Find more information, register as a guest or leave a review by going to the website.00:56:11.349 --> 00:56:13.056


Onein3podcastcom.00:56:13.056 --> 00:56:17.641


That's the number one, i-n the number three podcastcom.00:56:17.641 --> 00:56:22.751


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One in three is a point five Pinoy production music written and performed by Tim Crow.00:56:33.032 --> 00:56:43.315


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