July 22, 2025
Red Flag or Trauma? Navigating New Relationships with Kimberly Mathis I Ep. 78
What happens when the chaos of abuse finally ends, and you're faced with the possibility of new love? For many survivors, this terrain feels more frightening than familiar. Dating after domestic violence isn't just about meeting someone new—it's about rewiring your entire understanding of what relationships should feel like. When you've spent years walking on eggshells, genuine kindness can feel suspicious. When you've learned to anticipate mood swings, a stable partner might seem boring. Wh...
What happens when the chaos of abuse finally ends, and you're faced with the possibility of new love? For many survivors, this terrain feels more frightening than familiar.
Dating after domestic violence isn't just about meeting someone new—it's about rewiring your entire understanding of what relationships should feel like. When you've spent years walking on eggshells, genuine kindness can feel suspicious. When you've learned to anticipate mood swings, a stable partner might seem boring. When you've been conditioned to perform gratitude, authentic appreciation feels foreign.
In this enlightening conversation with life coach and podcaster Kimberly Mathis, we unpack the complex reality of finding love after trauma. Rather than offering simplistic advice, we dive into the nuanced challenges: How do you distinguish between legitimate red flags and your own trauma responses? When should you disclose your abuse history? How do you recognize love bombing versus genuine interest?
Kimberly brings both professional expertise and refreshing candor to these questions. "You can't say the wrong thing to the right person," she notes, offering a powerful litmus test for potential partners. The way someone responds to your boundaries, concerns, and authentic self reveals far more than any dating profile ever could.
We explore practical strategies for navigating new relationships, from creating code words with partners to identify when old patterns arise, to recognizing that compatibility matters more than intense feelings. After all, as Kimberly wisely observes, "We can love people who are terrible for us."
Whether you're actively dating, considering returning to the dating world, or simply working to understand healthy relationship dynamics, this episode offers both validation and practical guidance. The journey toward healthy love starts with choosing yourself first—and understanding that you're never "too much" for the right person.
Ready to transform your approach to relationships after abuse? Listen now, and discover how to open your heart again without abandoning your boundaries.
Kimberly's Links:
https://www.1in3podcast.com/guests/kimberly-mathis/
https://www.kimberlymathis.com/
https://open.spotify.com/show/5HZ9s0n0rfoje9MeOn39TI?si=d32f3d84e6f44b61&nd=1&dlsi=4e881e36108a4e67
https://www.instagram.com/thekimberlymathis/
https://www.facebook.com/thekimberlymathis
1 in 3 is intended for mature audiences. Episodes contain explicit content and may be triggering to some.
If you are in the United States and need help right now, call the national domestic violence hotline at 800-799-7233 or text the word “start” to 88788.
Contact 1 in 3:
- Send your emails to 1in3podcast@gmail.com
- Follow on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok @1in3podcast
- Check out the website https://www.1in3podcast.com/
Thank you for listening!
Cover art by Laura Swift Dahlke
Music by Tim Crowe
00:46 - Welcome to Love After Abuse
04:06 - Red Flags vs. Trauma Responses
07:56 - When to Share Your Trauma History
13:54 - Dating Takes Energy: A Personal Experience
19:38 - Accepting Support Without Second-Guessing
28:10 - Setting Boundaries in Healthy Relationships
41:33 - Being Your Authentic Self While Dating
50:57 - Choosing Yourself First
56:23 - Closing Thoughts and Resources
WEBVTT
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Hi Warriors, welcome to One in Three.
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I'm your host, ingrid.
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I've brought you a lot of information over the last two years on the subject of domestic violence and in that timeframe I've welcomed fellow survivors, professionals and advocates to lend their expertise and their experience on the subject.
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I've loved every single opportunity.
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Today is no different, although today's episode does look a little bit different.
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Today we're talking about love after abuse how it feels, what it looks like and how to be okay with it.
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Don't worry, I'm not doing this by myself.
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I am welcoming on Coming on.
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Life coach and fellow podcaster.
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Host of Life Coached Kimberly Mathis.
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Hi, kimberly.
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Hi, welcome to One in Three.
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Thanks for joining me.
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Yeah, I'm so excited to be here.
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Actually, I'm very, very excited.
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I know I was just telling you this, but typically the episodes I have are a little bit of a heavier topic and we're not ignoring the domestic violence or abuse aspect, but this is a lighter side of it.
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It can be a lighter side of it.
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I guess it still could be heavy, but we're going to talk about dating and how that happens after abuse, because it has to happen eventually.
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But before we get started, do you mind just kind of giving a little bit of a background on yourself.
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Sure, I was a formerly a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice for several years and, as with so many other things, when COVID happened in 2020, it seemed like a time to pivot.
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I'd always wanted to do coaching, so I had recently finished up a coaching training and certification and I transitioned into that and was doing coaching only and, I guess, the start of 2021.
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And so have been a life coach ever since, really more of a general life coach.
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I do have a lot of knowledge because of my own experience with getting a later in life ADHD diagnosis, so I have a lot of knowledge about working with neurodivergent brains.
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But I would say I have worked with people on anything and everything, and the underlying theme and all of it is helping them change things that feel very unchangeable.
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So, whether that's relationship dynamics, things about themselves, their idea of themselves, we figure out a way to move towards that and that, I think, is a huge concept of dating post abuse, because one you think this is me.
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This is just the type I go for.
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I just happened to find these kind of men or women and, uh, I mean dating, dating kind of sucks anyway, um, but yeah, I think that's a huge concept in post-abuse dating.
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So, yeah, so there were a red flag versus.
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Is this just something that I, like my previous trauma is causing me to think is an issue?
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Yeah, yeah, I love all of the questions that you were kind of thinking through ahead of this, um, and I think one of the things I love about them is something that frustrates me, um, when I see a lot of stuff online, a lot of things, a lot of content feels very black and white and everything is just so much more nuanced, which is kind of frustrating when you are really trying to do some work on yourself or improve something, change something.
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It'd be so much more helpful just to have a very clear cut.
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Black and white like this is good, this is bad, do this, don't do that.
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Um, but life is just way more complicated.
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People and situations are way more complex.
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So the very first thing I thought of when I saw this question like how can I tell the difference between red flags and my own trauma responses is that red flags can be different for a lot of people.
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Some people like there's a compatibility issue that we have to think about.
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So something that like would not work for someone else and would trigger all sorts of things, doesn't have that same response in someone else.
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So the way I think about it like a red flag versus a trauma response is experience.
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It's, um, then the sensations, the feelings, the thoughts that are coming up in you, and a red flag, I think, is someone else's response to you.
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So I might say I'm having a lot of anxiety.
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You know, like that really bothered me.
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Oof that, something about that feels really icky.
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I share that with another person.
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How they handle that information and respond to it.
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Is the red flag or not red flag, red flag or green flag that I'm looking for?
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That makes sense.
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Does that make sense it?
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does.
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Does that make sense?
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It does so.
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I mean it really.
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It boils down to communicating, being able to communicate with a person and say you know, this is, this is me, this is bothering me, and yeah, yeah, Okay.
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Yep, and the things that I'm looking for are whether or not they are dismissive or they're validating, whether or not they are trying to talk me out of it really quickly, or they're just able to like be there with me while it's happening and they don't have to necessarily fix it.
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Um, whether they are willing to have more of a discussion about it, where they're curious and trying to understand.
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They're not trying to just give me their opinion or their perspective.
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I'm definitely going to pay attention to things like if they're making me feel silly or belittled or talked down to or like I'm crazy.
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You know I'm going to be paying attention to those sorts of things.
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That kind of response to whatever is happening within me is not the kind of response I'm looking for in a safe partner.
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Right, Right, that makes total sense and so okay.
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So then I have another question about the trauma responses.
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So when is it, or is is it ever okay to start discussing your past trauma?
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With a partner.
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Yeah.
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Now my personal opinion is that if you're going to be in a relationship with someone and they're going to have a significant role in your life, you're looking to build a long-term partnership with someone, they should know about it because at some point like it's not like, you either tell them or you never tell them, and it's got to start at the very beginning, but at some point they should know about it because it has been such a significant factor in your life and who you are and how you are navigating relationships.
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So, yes, I do think you should tell them.
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Now I think there are layers to that information and that story and you can say I do have a history of some pretty difficult relationships, maybe even some abuse.
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You could say that early on.
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You don't have to get into all of the details of it until you're ready to.
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It makes sense.
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And probably not like date number one material Right.
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Right, and I also think it depends a lot on where you are in your processing of it and your recovery from it.
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You know, if it feels like it's a very fresh, you know wound that is still, you know, needing to be tended to, like probably you want to be extra protective around it, and that's the way I think about it.
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It's not secretive, we're not trying to hide it.
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There's a difference between secrecy and privacy.
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Like secrets we're hiding, we're ashamed of them, we don't feel comfortable with them.
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Privacy is protective and we need to be protective with those parts of us until we know that the other person that we're sharing them with is a safe person to share those with and we'll be respectful and we'll be um, what's the word I'm looking for?
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Like we'll just be an emotionally safe person to hold that information from us.
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Right and I mean, I guess you know if you're really unsure of you know, if you're still feeling freshly wounded, maybe not jump into the dating scene quite yet.
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Maybe that's something that you need to reflect.
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Do some more inner reflection and inner healing before you jump into involving another person into your life.
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People have a lot of opinions around.
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You know how long you should be single and learning to live yourself, and and again, I think anything that sounds too black and white is just uh, it's missing the whole picture.
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Um, and I think it's totally subjective.
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It varies for everyone, but at some point it doesn't matter how much healing you have done and how much you care and love about yourself.
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You can't learn to be in a healthy relationship until you're in a relationship practicing all of those skills.
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You can't learn it all ahead of time and then be like, okay, now I'm ready, right, and then nothing like the relationship will just go smoothly and everything's fine and nothing comes up Like.
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Being in relationship with someone else is just a playground for those skills you know and experimenting with them and practicing and learning how to do it better, putting it into practice.
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Yeah, that I mean.
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That makes sense too.
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You can't train for dating before getting out there.
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Just a little bit off topic.
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So I know in one of your episodes you mentioned I don't did we say that you have a podcast?
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I?
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don't remember.
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No, we did Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, I forgot, I didn't even think about it, yeah.
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Yeah, so go ahead and just say what you have.
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Yeah, I have a podcast.
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It used to be called Decisions Change Everything.
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That was a mouthful for me, so I changed it to Life Coach and you can find it on Spotify or Apple Podcasts.
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Okay, and so I was listening to one of your episodes and you had mentioned Facebook dating and I actually had tried that a little bit.
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I had never done online dating before and I thought this one would be pretty easy.
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And you can see who if you have mutual friends, then that kind of helps too.
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I had a few friends steer me away from like no, no, no, not him.
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Oh yeah, yeah.
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But I didn't have any awful dates.
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I only went on three first dates and they all were good.
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Three first dates and they all were good, but I just decided I'm like I don't think, I just I just don't want to date right now, and and there's obviously there's nothing wrong with that, but I don't think I have any fresh wounds or I'm not healed or anything.
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It's just not a place I want to be in right now.
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It takes a lot of energy it does Like it really does, um, even if you are not on apps and you're like just trying to go out.
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It's that process of investing any time and energy, conversation into another human being and it takes effort, even on date one or date two.
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And if it doesn't go anywhere and that keeps happening over and over again, that can be really tiring.
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It can.
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And then even just the conversations to get to that first date is just so.
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I mean, how many times and I know, when you go on a first date, when you meet somebody out in the wild, it's the same thing You're getting to know people and you're having the same conversations over and over again.
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But just the whole online thing where I can be having the same conversation with five different people all at the same time and I'm just repeating myself over and over again, I just I couldn't do it.
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I thought you know what, let me just, let me just be okay with where I am right now.
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But so I didn't have, you know, I wasn't having expectations when I would go on when I went on these first dates.
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So it wasn't like I was analyzing anything at all.
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But if I were, if I were, maybe, if it was the second date or even the third date or whatever, and I was feeling actual feelings for this person and thinking, you know, perhaps we can start taking this to the next step.
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Next step how do you determine if somebody is genuinely a nice person, genuinely interested, versus the whole love bombing?
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Oh, I love this question.
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I love this question because what I want to emphasize is that good people engage in love bombing, like, I think, originally, when we kind of talked about this topic, it was like how do you know if someone is a good person or if they're love bombing?
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And the fact is, good people love bomb because that kind of behavior is just a unhealthy, maladaptive behavior and good people have not great relationship skills.
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Good people can have very kind hearts and not have learned.
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You know healthier ways of engaging and relating.
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Um, so I don't think love bombing in and of itself is always evil or bad, but it is always like maladaptive, it is always like not exactly healthy.
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Um, and I don't know if we need to like review what love bombing is.
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If your audience is like, oh, I know what that means.
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Maybe actually.
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Uh, I'm I'm sure pretty much everyone is coming in having a general idea, but I think that has been used so much yeah.
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Yeah, it's just way too much, way too fast.
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It's a lot of grandiose statements Like um, you're the most amazing woman I've ever met in my life, on, like day three, you know.
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Or um, I just don't want to be with anybody else, like, or it could be statements that kind of like elevate you above them, like they're.
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It feels like they're putting you on a pedestal.
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You know, I can't believe you want to go out with me again.
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It's just too much.
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And listen, I have ADHD.
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I have some raging ADHD.
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I can go like all in on something that for sure is one of my old patterns just because I get so excited, and that in and of itself isn't a bad thing.
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But I think when you are the receiver of that, and maybe especially when you have a history of like Ooh, I fell for that Like that really pulled me into a relationship that was not good very quickly, I think when you have that sense of like oh, this makes me slightly uncomfortable.
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The thing to do is to bring it up.
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The thing to do is to say it's really sweet of you, but it's making me a little uncomfortable.
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It just feels like a little too much, Like I want to get to know you better.
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Something about it is not okay.
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And again, the thing I'm looking for is how the other person responds to that.
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Right.
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You know, and there's a yeah, go ahead to that, Right, you know, and there's a yeah, go ahead.
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I was going to say there's probably a few clues to where they're not having the response that you want.
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So they could go down the route of you know, victim ish, of I can never do anything, right, I'm so sorry.
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Let me try again and almost like this grovelly yeah.
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Yeah.
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Yeah, or just completely dismiss what you said and continue doing what they're doing.
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Yep, but yeah, you go ahead.
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You're the professional here, I'm just talking.
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I was going to say like it's those things, exactly like that, especially early on, when you don't know a lot about this person and maybe their response is like I can't do anything right and I knew, like this was too good to be true.
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That's a no, no for me, because what they are, what that behavior is doing, is it's like you told me something that you didn't like.
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I'm unable to handle that.
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So now I'm emotionally like putting you in a position where I want you to make me feel better.
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Right.
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And then now you're turning into comforting them even though you were the one who felt uncomfortable.
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Yes, yep.
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So what we want is like more of a response like, oh my gosh, thank you for telling me.
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Like, yeah, I, I can see that, like I just get so excited, I really like you, I will tone it down, I don't want to make you uncomfortable, and that you actually see some follow through with that.
00:18:19.229 --> 00:18:31.202
That they stop making those same sorts of comments, that they do pull back a little bit, that they aren't pushing as much Because, again, like I said, some people can be very good people.
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This is how they were in past relationships.
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Maybe it's how they saw relationships modeled to them around them as they were growing up.
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They just may not know better.
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So it's what they do with the information that you give them about what's making you uncomfortable.
00:18:49.488 --> 00:18:56.195
That, I think, matters more than whether or not they're just engaging with that off the get-go.
00:18:56.896 --> 00:19:01.550
Yeah, and let's be honest, when you start a new relationship, everybody is on their best behavior.
00:19:01.550 --> 00:19:09.394
Yes, and you're putting your best foot forward and if you like the other person, you want them to like you back foot forward and you want, you want.
00:19:09.394 --> 00:19:11.279
If you like the other person, you want them to like you back.
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So you're going to maybe not show all your dirty, crazy or whatever, and so, and that could be considered love bombing in a way of their you know, portraying a different version.
00:19:24.852 --> 00:19:29.250
But it's just the consistency and the repetitive factor.
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So when you were saying, you know, if they scale back and they change, that's great, but then you also have to keep an eye out, for is it going to happen again in a couple of weeks?
00:19:38.914 --> 00:19:44.607
And then is this a conversation that keeps happening over and over and over again?
00:19:44.607 --> 00:19:48.944
Then it seems more that they're just placating you.
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Let me make these changes until they forget about this bothering them and I'll go back to my normal self.
00:19:54.422 --> 00:19:54.622
Yeah.
00:19:55.083 --> 00:19:59.673
Yep, love bombing is just it's um, it tends to feel like pressure.
00:19:59.673 --> 00:20:17.866
It tends to feel a little uncomfortable, like sure, it's nice, I want someone to like me so much, but this is like a lot, you know, like it's um, you know, I guess it's okay for them to say those things, but it's making me feel a little like there's just a little something that feels off Um.
00:20:17.866 --> 00:20:26.148
A lot of times love bombing will look like uh, push for a uh speed of moving forward.
00:20:26.148 --> 00:20:31.336
That maybe isn't what you were thinking or just seems a little too fast.
00:20:31.336 --> 00:20:36.230
If it's a great partner for you, it's okay for it to go a little bit slower.
00:20:36.230 --> 00:20:43.780
It's okay if you're like no, I don't want to spend every waking minute together at the very start, when we barely know each other.
00:20:43.780 --> 00:20:45.865
It's okay to have some boundaries.
00:20:45.865 --> 00:20:53.189
If they're a good partner for you, they aren't going to make your boundaries mean something negative.
00:20:53.189 --> 00:20:55.982
They're just going to be like oh, this is just information for me.
00:20:56.684 --> 00:21:07.049
Okay, sure, yes, and speaking of boundaries, I feel like they don't, and I'm only saying this because I have a friend who is going through something like this.
00:21:07.049 --> 00:21:14.213
They don't need to know where you are all the time, really ever, I think, if you were both capable adults.
00:21:14.213 --> 00:21:28.952
There's, unless you're going into a dangerous area and you need somebody to make sure that you're okay, but on a day-to-day basis, there's absolutely no reason why anybody needs to know where you are every minute.
00:21:29.259 --> 00:21:35.031
No, no, no, every day that immediately in my mind, that's pinging my radar for, like controlling.
00:21:35.622 --> 00:21:37.400
Absolutely, absolutely.
00:21:38.462 --> 00:21:41.289
Yep, Someone, who is it it?
00:21:41.289 --> 00:21:50.772
It gives a vibe of distressed of you, and that is no way to start off a relationship.
00:21:51.619 --> 00:21:53.763
Right, and I mean I get that.
00:21:53.763 --> 00:22:03.769
You know I'm in my late 40s now and anybody my age or you know even plus or minus 10 years we're coming to the table with baggage.
00:22:03.769 --> 00:22:10.691
And it's difficult to see like is he coming with his own baggage?
00:22:10.691 --> 00:22:17.972
Obviously he has his own baggage, but is he damaged, has he been hurt before, and is that why he has this need?
00:22:20.843 --> 00:22:28.297
I could like get on a soapbox about this because, as a recovering people pleaser myself and I'm codependent, like I have this.
00:22:28.397 --> 00:22:35.740
It's probably why I do a lot of the work I do and got into it is I am very empathetic, like I feel for people.
00:22:35.740 --> 00:22:44.483
I can like really feel what they must be feeling when I like put myself in that situation, have a lot of empathy.
00:22:44.483 --> 00:22:50.980
But that his baggage, what he has been through, ultimately it does not matter.
00:22:50.980 --> 00:22:52.522
It gives you context.
00:22:52.522 --> 00:22:57.034
It does not give you an excuse for it.
00:22:57.034 --> 00:23:05.573
Like, even if they do have all their baggage and you say I don't want to tell you, I just don't feel like that's necessary.
00:23:05.573 --> 00:23:13.794
I feel like we're not at that point in our relationship, like something about it doesn't feel good to me for you to know where I am all the time.
00:23:13.794 --> 00:23:19.392
If that stirs up things for them, they need to go talk to a therapist about it.
00:23:19.392 --> 00:23:30.144
They need to go figure out how to manage those feelings, because what they're essentially doing is having a lot of discomfort with whatever's coming up for them and they're wanting you to manage it through your behavior.
00:23:30.144 --> 00:23:31.509
Right.
00:23:31.750 --> 00:23:41.185
Okay, you know like yeah, it will make me feel better if you turn on your location all the time Because I'm insecure, right?
00:23:41.766 --> 00:23:45.451
Right and yeah, yeah, and I mean that goes the other way too.
00:23:45.451 --> 00:23:55.522
Like if that's something that you know is your issue, that you need to know where he is or she is all the time, then that's another time.
00:23:55.522 --> 00:23:59.069
You need to kind of look into yourself, like, okay, what's going on here?
00:23:59.069 --> 00:24:01.415
Because you know that's not okay.
00:24:01.415 --> 00:24:04.111
I shouldn't be controlling somebody else in the same respect.
00:24:04.111 --> 00:24:06.758
Yep, yep, okay.
00:24:06.758 --> 00:24:17.239
So let's say, now you finally get into a relationship and things are good, but you're not used to a good relationship.
00:24:17.239 --> 00:24:26.445
You're used to chaos and drama and being second guest and doing things on your own and having different expectations.
00:24:26.445 --> 00:24:37.461
How do you then accept the good stuff, like accept the support and not wonder if there's an ulterior motive behind it?
00:24:37.461 --> 00:24:44.338
How do you accept the understanding and not think that it's like some sort of gaslighting happening?
00:24:44.338 --> 00:24:56.961
And even if you're not second guessing the intentions, how do you just live and understand that there is another person that truly cares for you and wants to support you?
00:24:57.365 --> 00:25:04.102
Yeah, I think you know I've noticed this so much in my current relationship.
00:25:04.102 --> 00:25:20.231
I did a podcast episode on it where I had my boyfriend on and we talked about how difficult it has been for me to have a partner that's so supportive and emotionally available and emotionally intelligent, because I'm just not used to it.
00:25:20.231 --> 00:25:32.525
And one of the things I noticed that is an old habit is me trying to figure out what he really means or feels, what he's really thinking.
00:25:32.525 --> 00:25:37.665
You know, and part of my learning has been like that may come up, like there's.
00:25:37.665 --> 00:25:41.192
It's been wired in there for a long time.
00:25:41.192 --> 00:25:46.451
You know I did that for a long time, so it may still come up and I can't get rid of that.
00:25:46.451 --> 00:25:54.771
My job is to get a whole lot better at recognizing it when it's coming up and to learn to.
00:25:54.932 --> 00:26:02.185
It's almost like a mantra of sorts that I want to let an adult be an adult.
00:26:02.185 --> 00:26:05.214
It's not my job to figure it out.
00:26:05.214 --> 00:26:09.646
It's his job as an adult to tell me what he's really thinking and feeling.
00:26:09.646 --> 00:26:16.478
And if he's not doing that, if he's lying to me, there's also not much I can do about that.
00:26:16.478 --> 00:26:18.852
Right, I can't be the mind reader.
00:26:18.852 --> 00:26:20.612
I can't make him do that.
00:26:20.612 --> 00:26:21.830
I can't be on his case.
00:26:22.727 --> 00:26:30.555
So if he's lying to me, like at some point, that will come out probably, and then I have information that I'm going to have to make a decision with.
00:26:30.555 --> 00:26:37.576
But in the meantime it's much better on my mental health just to assume the best.
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