Decoding Manipulation Tactics: Gaslighting, Triangulation, and Flying Monkeys

The world of narcissistic abuse can be a confusing and disorienting place. Terms like "narcissist," "gaslighting," and "flying monkeys" are increasingly common in our vocabulary, but understanding their true meaning and impact is crucial for recognizing and escaping these harmful dynamics. In this blog post, I'll break down specific manipulation tactics used by narcissists, providing you with the knowledge to identify these behaviors and empower yourself or others. This post expands on the insights shared in my latest podcast episode, 77-Unmasking the Narcissist with Nova Gibson, where I spoke with Nova Gibson, a therapist and author specializing in narcissistic abuse. Nova’s expertise provides a profound understanding of these covert tactics, which is further explored here.

Introduction: The Insidious World of Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional and psychological abuse that can have devastating effects on its victims. It's characterized by a pattern of manipulation, control, and exploitation by a person with narcissistic traits or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). What makes this abuse particularly insidious is its subtle nature. It often starts gradually, with seemingly harmless behaviors that escalate over time, leaving the victim confused, isolated, and questioning their own sanity. The abuser often presents a charming facade to the outside world, making it difficult for others to recognize the abuse that's taking place behind closed doors.

This blog post aims to shed light on some of the most common manipulation tactics employed by narcissists. By understanding these tactics, you can become more aware of the red flags in relationships and take steps to protect yourself from harm. Recognizing these patterns is the first and most critical step in breaking free from the cycle of abuse and reclaiming your life.

Understanding Narcissism: Beyond the Buzzword

Before diving into specific manipulation tactics, it's essential to understand what narcissism truly entails. The term "narcissist" is often thrown around casually, but it's important to differentiate between someone who exhibits some narcissistic traits and someone who has NPD. NPD is a formal mental health diagnosis characterized by a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. However, many individuals who engage in narcissistic abuse may not meet the full criteria for NPD but still exhibit enough narcissistic traits to cause significant harm in their relationships.

Key characteristics of narcissism include:

• A grandiose sense of self-importance: An exaggerated belief in one's own talents and accomplishments.
• A need for excessive admiration: A constant craving for attention and validation from others.
• A lack of empathy: Difficulty understanding or sharing the feelings of others.
• A sense of entitlement: An unreasonable expectation of special treatment.
• Exploitative behavior: Taking advantage of others to achieve their own goals.
• Arrogance: A haughty and superior attitude.
• Envy: A belief that others are envious of them, or being envious of others themselves.

It's crucial to remember that NPD is a complex disorder with varying degrees of severity. While some individuals with NPD may be overtly abusive, others may be more subtle in their manipulation tactics. Regardless of the degree, the underlying motivation remains the same: to maintain control and dominance in the relationship.

The Predictable Patterns of Narcissistic Relationships

Narcissistic relationships often follow a predictable pattern, which can be helpful in identifying and understanding the dynamics at play. This pattern typically unfolds in three phases:

Phase 1: Idealization (Love Bombing)

In the initial phase, the narcissist will shower the victim with attention, affection, and admiration. This is often referred to as "love bombing." They may seem like the perfect partner, showering you with compliments, gifts, and grand gestures. They will mirror your interests and values, creating a false sense of connection and intimacy. The purpose of this phase is to quickly establish a strong bond and make the victim feel dependent on the narcissist.

Phase 2: Devaluation

Once the victim is "hooked," the narcissist will begin to devalue them. This phase is characterized by criticism, put-downs, and belittling comments. The narcissist may start to withdraw affection, become dismissive of the victim's feelings, and engage in other forms of emotional abuse. The purpose of this phase is to erode the victim's self-esteem and sense of worth, making them more vulnerable to manipulation.

Phase 3: Discard

In the final phase, the narcissist will discard the victim, often abruptly and without explanation. This can be a devastating experience for the victim, who may be left feeling confused, abandoned, and worthless. The narcissist may move on to a new target, repeating the cycle of idealization, devaluation, and discard. Alternatively, they may attempt to hoover the victim back into the relationship with promises of change or remorse, only to repeat the cycle once again.

Understanding these phases can help you recognize when you are in a narcissistic relationship and take steps to protect yourself. It's important to remember that these patterns are not always linear, and the phases may overlap or repeat themselves.

Manipulation Tactic #1: Gaslighting - Distorting Reality

Gaslighting is one of the most insidious and damaging manipulation tactics used by narcissists. It involves distorting the victim's perception of reality, making them question their own sanity and judgment. The narcissist will deny, minimize, or outright lie about events, conversations, and experiences, leading the victim to doubt their memory and perception.

Examples of gaslighting include:

• Denying that something happened: "That never happened. You're imagining things."
• Minimizing the victim's feelings: "You're overreacting. It's not a big deal."
• Twisting the victim's words: "I never said that. You're putting words in my mouth."
• Blaming the victim for the narcissist's behavior: "You made me do it. If you hadn't done that, I wouldn't have reacted that way."
• Denying their own abusive behavior: "I'm not abusive. You're the one who's being unreasonable."

Over time, gaslighting can have a devastating effect on the victim's mental health. They may start to doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity, leading to feelings of confusion, anxiety, and depression. They may become increasingly dependent on the narcissist for validation and reassurance, further solidifying the narcissist's control.

Manipulation Tactic #2: Triangulation - Creating Conflict

Triangulation is a manipulation tactic that involves bringing a third person into the relationship to create conflict and instability. The narcissist will use the third person to validate their own perspective, criticize the victim, or create jealousy and competition. This can take many forms, such as comparing the victim to someone else, talking about the victim behind their back, or creating a love triangle.

Examples of triangulation include:

• Comparing the victim to an ex-partner: "My ex used to do this much better."
• Talking about the victim to a friend or family member: "I don't know what to do with her. She's so unreasonable."
• Creating a love triangle: "I'm just friends with her, but she's really into me."
• Playing people against each other: "He said you were being difficult."

Triangulation serves several purposes for the narcissist. It allows them to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions, create division and conflict, and maintain control over the relationship. It can also boost their ego by making them feel desired and powerful.

Manipulation Tactic #3: Flying Monkeys - Isolating Victims

Flying monkeys are individuals who are manipulated by the narcissist to carry out their agenda. These individuals may be friends, family members, colleagues, or even strangers who are recruited by the narcissist to harass, stalk, or spread rumors about the victim. The narcissist will often portray themselves as the victim in the situation, convincing the flying monkeys that the actual victim is the one who is causing problems.

The term "flying monkeys" comes from the Wizard of Oz, where the Wicked Witch used flying monkeys to carry out her evil deeds. In the context of narcissistic abuse, flying monkeys are used to isolate the victim from their support system, damage their reputation, and make them feel unsafe.

Examples of flying monkey behavior include:

• Spreading rumors or gossip about the victim.
• Harassing or stalking the victim.
• Isolating the victim from their friends and family.
• Defending the narcissist's abusive behavior.
• Reporting back to the narcissist about the victim's activities.

The use of flying monkeys is a particularly insidious tactic, as it can leave the victim feeling completely isolated and alone. It can also make it difficult for them to seek help, as they may fear that their friends and family will side with the narcissist.

The Growing Legal Recognition of Coercive Control

Coercive control, a pattern of controlling and intimidating behavior, is increasingly being recognized as a form of domestic abuse. This recognition is leading to legal changes in some jurisdictions, with laws being enacted to criminalize coercive control. This shift in legal understanding is crucial for protecting victims of narcissistic abuse, as it acknowledges the insidious and long-lasting impact of these tactics.

As mentioned in the podcast with Nova Gibson, Australia has been at the forefront of this legal recognition, implementing legislation that has already led to criminal charges. This legislation recognizes that domestic abuse is not just about physical violence but also encompasses a range of controlling and manipulative behaviors that can have a devastating impact on the victim's well-being.

The growing legal recognition of coercive control is a positive step towards holding abusers accountable for their actions and providing greater protection for victims. It also helps to raise awareness of the subtle and insidious nature of narcissistic abuse, making it easier for victims to recognize the red flags and seek help.

Narcissists Don't Change: The Path to Healing

One of the most important things to understand about narcissism is that narcissists rarely change. While it may be tempting to believe that they can change if they receive therapy or if you provide them with enough love and support, the reality is that their personality structure is deeply ingrained, and they are unlikely to be willing or able to change their behavior.

Trying to change a narcissist is a futile and often dangerous endeavor. It can lead to further emotional abuse, as the narcissist will use your efforts to control and manipulate you. The best course of action is to accept that they are unlikely to change and to focus on protecting yourself from further harm.

The path to healing from narcissistic abuse involves several steps:

• Recognizing the abuse: Acknowledging that you have been subjected to narcissistic abuse is the first and most crucial step.
• Breaking contact: Cutting off all contact with the narcissist is essential for your healing. This may involve blocking their phone number, email address, and social media accounts.
• Seeking therapy: Therapy can provide you with the support and guidance you need to process your experiences and develop healthy coping mechanisms.
• Building a support system: Connecting with friends, family, or support groups can help you feel less alone and more supported.
• Practicing self-care: Taking care of your physical and emotional well-being is essential for your healing. This may involve exercise, healthy eating, mindfulness, or other activities that bring you joy and relaxation.

Healing from narcissistic abuse is a long and challenging process, but it is possible. With the right support and resources, you can break free from the cycle of abuse and reclaim your life.

Resources for Understanding and Healing

If you are experiencing narcissistic abuse, it's important to seek help from qualified professionals and support organizations. Here are some resources that can provide you with information, support, and guidance:

• Therapists specializing in narcissistic abuse recovery
• Support groups for survivors of narcissistic abuse
• Books and articles on narcissistic abuse
• Websites and online forums dedicated to narcissistic abuse recovery
• Domestic violence hotlines and shelters

Remember, you are not alone, and help is available. Don't hesitate to reach out for support.

Conclusion

Understanding the manipulation tactics used by narcissists – gaslighting, triangulation, and the use of flying monkeys – is a crucial step in recognizing and escaping narcissistic abuse. These tactics are designed to control, isolate, and erode the victim's sense of reality and self-worth. By educating yourself about these behaviors, you can empower yourself to identify the red flags in relationships and take steps to protect yourself from harm. As I discussed with Nova Gibson in Episode 77 - Unmasking the Narcissist with Nova Gibson, healing from narcissistic abuse is possible, and it starts with understanding. If you suspect that you or someone you know is experiencing narcissistic abuse, please seek help from qualified professionals and support organizations. You are not alone, and recovery is within reach.