July 16, 2025
Unmasking the Narcissist with Nova Gibson I Ep. 77
The words "narcissist" and "gaslighting" get thrown around a lot these days, but do we truly understand what they mean? In this powerful conversation with Nova Gibson, author of the bestselling book "Fake Love" and host of "Fake Love and Flying Monkeys" podcast, we dive deep into the insidious world of narcissistic abuse and why recognizing it could literally save your life. Nova shares her expertise as both a survivor and therapist who exclusively works with victims of narcissistic abuse. S...
The words "narcissist" and "gaslighting" get thrown around a lot these days, but do we truly understand what they mean? In this powerful conversation with Nova Gibson, author of the bestselling book "Fake Love" and host of "Fake Love and Flying Monkeys" podcast, we dive deep into the insidious world of narcissistic abuse and why recognizing it could literally save your life.
Nova shares her expertise as both a survivor and therapist who exclusively works with victims of narcissistic abuse. She explains how these relationships follow predictable patterns—from the initial love bombing phase that hooks victims with a false persona, to the devastating devaluation that leaves them questioning reality. Using the chilling "frog in boiling water" analogy, Nova illustrates how abuse escalates so gradually that victims become acclimatized to increasingly harmful behavior without realizing they're in danger.
What makes this episode particularly eye-opening is Nova's breakdown of specific manipulation tactics. We explore how gaslighting systematically destroys a victim's ability to trust their own perceptions, how triangulation creates artificial competition between people, and how flying monkeys and smear campaigns work to isolate victims from support. Nova emphasizes that these aren't random behaviors but calculated strategies used by abusers across cultures and contexts.
The conversation takes an empowering turn when we discuss the growing legal recognition of coercive control as domestic violence, with Australia recently implementing legislation that has already led to criminal charges. Most importantly, Nova delivers the crucial message that narcissists don't change—and understanding this truth is the first step toward healing.
Whether you've experienced narcissistic abuse firsthand, know someone who might be suffering, or simply want to understand these dynamics, this episode provides validation, clarity, and hope. Connect with Nova's work through her book "Fake Love" or her counseling services to continue your journey of understanding and healing.
Nova's links:
https://www.1in3podcast.com/guests/nova-gibson/
https://www.brighteroutlooknarcissisticabusecounselling.com.au/
https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/fake-love-and-flying-monkeys/id1748520586
1 in 3 is intended for mature audiences. Episodes contain explicit content and may be triggering to some.
If you are in the United States and need help right now, call the national domestic violence hotline at 800-799-7233 or text the word “start” to 88788.
Contact 1 in 3:
- Send your emails to 1in3podcast@gmail.com
- Follow on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok @1in3podcast
- Check out the website https://www.1in3podcast.com/
Thank you for listening!
Cover art by Laura Swift Dahlke
Music by Tim Crowe
00:00 - Introduction to Narcissistic Abuse
08:39 - Love Bombing: The Predatory Hook
16:54 - Devaluation Tactics and Narcissistic Supply
29:30 - Gaslighting: Distorting Your Reality
39:36 - Flying Monkeys and Smear Campaigns
49:29 - Breaking Free and Healing
WEBVTT
00:00:24.722 --> 00:00:26.948
Hi Warriors, welcome to 1 in 3.
00:00:26.948 --> 00:00:28.251
I'm your host, ingrid.
00:00:28.251 --> 00:00:46.153
Narcissist, Narcissistic personality disorder, gaslighting these are all terms that everyone seems to be using today and, like I said, it's getting thrown around a lot, and sometimes probably accurately.
00:00:46.153 --> 00:00:49.750
Most of the time, though, probably not.
00:00:49.750 --> 00:00:52.007
So what does it mean?
00:00:52.007 --> 00:00:54.487
Is it important to know what it means?
00:00:54.487 --> 00:00:56.606
How do you navigate it?
00:00:56.606 --> 00:00:58.948
What do you do if you've been exposed to it?
00:00:59.359 --> 00:01:17.710
These are all things that are important to know, because if you are in a relationship where you are being abused by a narcissist, it can leave some lasting scars, and being gaslit can leave you doubting your reality for years.
00:01:17.710 --> 00:01:20.073
So what do we do?
00:01:20.073 --> 00:01:27.331
Well, luckily for me and for my friends and for you, I have Nova Gibson.
00:01:27.331 --> 00:01:56.293
The author of Fake Love and the podcast host of Fake Love and Flying Monkeys, is joining me today to actually go over some of this terminology, and she also explains some commonalities in narcissists.
00:01:56.293 --> 00:02:04.554
So key things to look out for, key things to pay attention to and key things to clue you in to get the heck out.
00:02:04.554 --> 00:02:08.927
So, without further ado, here is Nova.
00:02:08.927 --> 00:02:13.435
Hi, nova, thank you so much for joining me.
00:02:13.435 --> 00:02:14.180
Welcome.
00:02:15.242 --> 00:02:16.968
My absolute pleasure.
00:02:16.968 --> 00:02:21.117
Ingrid, Thank you for having me on your podcast.
00:02:21.117 --> 00:02:23.543
I'm really excited to talk with you today.
00:02:24.343 --> 00:02:25.887
I'm very, very excited.
00:02:25.887 --> 00:02:35.492
Narcissism obviously is a kind of a hot topic, like everybody's using the word now, and it definitely coincides with domestic violence.
00:02:35.492 --> 00:02:38.709
I do feel that it's probably overused.
00:02:38.709 --> 00:02:40.825
I did, I did buy your book.
00:02:40.825 --> 00:02:42.126
I have started reading it.
00:02:42.126 --> 00:02:52.871
My plan was to have it done by now but I have, you know, three kids and a job and they're on summer break and so it's the time to read is pretty slim, but I have started reading it.
00:02:52.871 --> 00:02:53.412
I love it.
00:02:53.412 --> 00:02:59.711
It's I feel like I feel like you've been following me around and just writing down my story.
00:03:01.280 --> 00:03:10.038
That you're, you're finding it, um, validating, um, and I get told that a lot, ingrid, it's like you're a fly on my wall.
00:03:10.038 --> 00:03:13.306
Yes, in my lounge room when that was happening.
00:03:13.306 --> 00:03:15.491
Right, I hear that a lot.
00:03:16.281 --> 00:03:16.722
Well, okay.
00:03:16.722 --> 00:03:20.441
So before we get into it, do you want to just give a quick background of you know?
00:03:20.441 --> 00:03:27.724
Obviously you authored a book, but just kind of tell what else you're doing and how you got to do what you're doing you're doing and how you got to do what you're doing.
00:03:28.346 --> 00:03:29.027
Yeah, absolutely so.
00:03:29.027 --> 00:03:56.206
I'm a survivor of narcissistic abuse as well and after my experience, which is a long time ago, I couldn't find any support, anyone who really got it and I make this really clear in my book but the psychologists and that, uh, they were lovely, but they just didn't get it.
00:03:56.206 --> 00:04:03.703
Um, and I felt like I was telling them what was going on and I felt patronized.
00:04:03.703 --> 00:04:07.786
Um, so, anyway, to to cut to the chase.
00:04:07.786 --> 00:04:12.930
After much self-healing, doing what everyone else does.
00:04:12.930 --> 00:04:26.247
Turning to online forums, talking to other survivors, I managed to heal my own trauma, and that took time.
00:04:26.399 --> 00:05:17.312
But, knowing there was very little help out there for survivors and I was already a therapist, I was already a counsellor I made it my mission to help other people and, as I said, there was a long time ago that that happened to me, but that's all I do now and that's all I've done, since I only talk to victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse and hence my desire to put it all on paper finally got round to it, which culminated in my book Fake Love, which has just blown me away in becoming the number one bestselling practical self-help book in Australia in 2023, when it was released.
00:05:17.312 --> 00:05:19.779
It's available worldwide by Harper Collins.
00:05:19.779 --> 00:05:23.884
Yeah, so that's what I do at the moment.
00:05:23.884 --> 00:05:37.875
I speak to people all over the world online therapy and I also am a public speaker where I educate professionals around understanding the dynamic of this abuse.
00:05:39.297 --> 00:05:47.060
That's huge and I'm sure you're busy with only doing narcissistic abuse because there's so much, it's everywhere.
00:05:47.060 --> 00:05:55.886
I think you mentioned that it's not as diagnosed as it should be because obviously narcissists are not going to get treatment, they're not seeking out treatment themselves.
00:05:55.886 --> 00:06:01.829
But do you feel that the majority of abusers at least have narcissistic traits?
00:06:03.790 --> 00:06:04.872
Oh, absolutely.
00:06:04.872 --> 00:06:13.476
It's about looking at consistent patterns of behaviour over space and time.
00:06:13.476 --> 00:06:26.026
Any victim of domestic violence will tell you these are not isolated incidents.
00:06:26.026 --> 00:06:35.168
So I'm a firm believer that someone who is abusing someone in a domestic violence relationship a narcissistic abuse is domestic violence.
00:06:35.168 --> 00:06:53.262
Coercive control is narcissistic because of the pattern of behavior, the cycle, the abuse, then the love-bombing, and the abuser becomes the only one who can heal the wound that they created.
00:06:53.262 --> 00:06:58.050
So the victim goes back and the cycle continues.
00:06:58.050 --> 00:07:00.675
That's a narcissistic cycle.
00:07:02.480 --> 00:07:11.274
And I have so many questions and I'm trying to organize my thoughts into like a linear form, so it makes sense.
00:07:11.274 --> 00:07:19.290
So, beginning in a relationship, the love bombing is that a conscious thing that they're doing?
00:07:21.440 --> 00:07:28.733
Is it conscious that they're trying to reel you in by being absolutely over the top?
00:07:28.733 --> 00:07:32.988
Yes, they know exactly what they're doing.
00:07:32.988 --> 00:07:55.201
They've got to be bigger and better and grander in everything they do, and that means being better than everyone else, being that person who woos you at the beginning of the relationship.
00:07:55.201 --> 00:07:58.507
So they are over the top.
00:07:58.507 --> 00:08:06.146
They've got to be better, and that includes when they're grooming you, when they're hooking you in.
00:08:06.146 --> 00:08:13.548
Now do they think inside their head I'm going to be over the top and I'm going to love bomb this person?
00:08:13.548 --> 00:08:38.314
I don't think those thoughts are going through their head, but are they intentionally giving you what you are basically telling them that you need, you want, and are they picking up on those little bits of data to use against you later on?
00:08:38.314 --> 00:08:41.629
Yes, they know exactly what they're doing.
00:08:43.721 --> 00:08:45.048
That's so creepy, okay.
00:08:45.048 --> 00:09:01.892
And then you mentioned once they lure you in, they're wearing this mask and like, okay, I did not get too far in this book, but that was something that I always said about my abuser is I felt that it wasn't necessarily mask.
00:09:01.892 --> 00:09:13.466
I felt like he put on this whole bodysuit, that he was just this other entity and he's wearing this body suit, and then he popped out of it and he couldn't get back into it when we were together.
00:09:13.466 --> 00:09:20.793
But you mentioned something similar to that, like this mask, and then the mask starts to come off because they can't contain it.
00:09:21.799 --> 00:09:25.586
Yeah, so that's an interesting analogy.
00:09:25.586 --> 00:09:29.995
He was wearing this bodysuit and he couldn't get back into it.
00:09:29.995 --> 00:09:35.508
The bodysuit was sorry.
00:09:35.508 --> 00:09:40.067
The person who came out of the bodysuit was who he really was.
00:09:40.067 --> 00:09:51.195
The bodysuit never existed in real terms because that person they pretend to be is an illusion.
00:09:51.195 --> 00:09:53.501
That's the person who love, bombs you.
00:09:53.501 --> 00:09:56.249
So they know they're not that person.
00:09:56.249 --> 00:10:01.807
They know they're not that nice, kind person who makes it all about you.
00:10:01.807 --> 00:10:04.753
This is where the intentionality comes in.
00:10:04.753 --> 00:10:22.822
They're just waiting for you to be hooked and they have this innate ability to know exactly when they can, as you said, get that heavy bodysuit off, kick back, relax and it'll be all about them.
00:10:22.822 --> 00:10:29.591
So they never he to say he couldn't get back into it.
00:10:29.591 --> 00:10:31.614
It's more, why would he?
00:10:31.614 --> 00:10:32.875
That that's.
00:10:32.875 --> 00:10:41.644
It takes a lot of work and effort to love bomb someone and they're all about the end game, which is for you to make it all about them.
00:10:44.087 --> 00:11:04.143
Okay, that makes sense, and then so, but then once Okay that makes sense.
00:11:04.163 --> 00:11:09.293
But then, once you start recognizing that, the inside part, the costumes coming off and you start seeing that part, that's when things kind of really start.
00:11:09.293 --> 00:11:10.596
Great time for the narcissist.
00:11:10.596 --> 00:11:12.720
The narcissist is in control.
00:11:12.720 --> 00:11:21.789
They're in control from the beginning and they have obviously an advantage because they know what they're doing.
00:11:21.789 --> 00:11:24.206
You don't know what they're doing.
00:11:24.206 --> 00:11:29.096
You're in a war and you don't know that you are, and you certainly don't know the rules're doing.
00:11:29.096 --> 00:11:31.044
You're in a war and you don't know that you are and you certainly don't know the rules of engagement.
00:11:31.044 --> 00:11:35.169
So they're always in control.
00:11:36.731 --> 00:11:39.735
It's set in the stars.
00:11:39.735 --> 00:11:44.966
Basically, the second you meet them, the ending is inevitable.
00:11:44.966 --> 00:11:47.950
The cycle is inevitable.
00:11:47.950 --> 00:11:54.466
It has to be over the top to begin with so they can hook you in really, really fast.
00:11:54.466 --> 00:12:00.243
And then, of course, it's got to be all about them after that.
00:12:00.243 --> 00:12:07.142
And how confusing for you, how confusing for the victim to be put on this pedestal.
00:12:07.142 --> 00:12:19.374
That's why, again, it it's over the top and then it comes to a screeching halt and you're wondering where your princess, your princess, what did I do wrong?
00:12:19.374 --> 00:12:22.966
And of course that's when the devaluation starts.
00:12:23.647 --> 00:12:28.094
Yeah, okay, so then talk about that part, the devaluation part.
00:12:28.094 --> 00:12:30.139
What?
00:12:30.160 --> 00:12:31.302
happens.
00:12:31.302 --> 00:12:46.716
The devaluation is basically when the love bombing finishes, the idolization phase finishes and then the devaluation stage starts.
00:12:46.716 --> 00:12:55.332
So you will be confused, so you will have no self-worth, no self-esteem.
00:12:55.332 --> 00:13:11.446
They will constantly have you in a state of confusion and you will be wondering what happened to that person, that person that doesn't exist.
00:13:11.446 --> 00:13:12.850
They know that.
00:13:12.850 --> 00:13:23.428
So they will enjoy you chasing the feeling you got and they'll throw out some breadcrumbs.
00:13:23.428 --> 00:13:32.254
So your pain, your reactions, gives them narcissistic supply.
00:13:32.254 --> 00:13:35.905
So the devaluation is.
00:13:35.905 --> 00:13:50.706
It's about having you just constantly confused and then feeding off your reactions and, of course, lowering your self-esteem through the constant gaslighting.
00:13:50.706 --> 00:14:12.907
You don't trust yourself and all these strategies they incorporate into the devaluation makes you easier to control and manipulate and become trauma-bonded to them, which means hopefully in their mind, they'll feed off you in terms of narcissistic supply forever.
00:14:14.510 --> 00:14:20.325
Now I had not heard of narcissistic supply before and I always thought again.
00:14:20.325 --> 00:14:43.591
I was trying to think of things of my brain is very active and imaginary, but when I would think of my ex, I thought of a parasite that he was just sucking, you know, whatever he needed out of me and then moving on to the next and just sucking, and it wouldn't even necessarily be a romantic relationship that he would move to.
00:14:43.759 --> 00:14:51.268
Great analogy, Ingrid, and maybe you haven't got that far in my book yet, but actually use that.
00:14:51.268 --> 00:15:04.030
I describe the narcissist as being like I haven't got the page in front of me but like a flea, you know, a leech.
00:15:04.030 --> 00:15:15.958
A flea jumps onto a dog, sucks all the as does a leech, sucks all the blood out, I guess, and when it's full, jumps off and finds another host.
00:15:15.958 --> 00:15:32.222
And that's what narcissists do they drain you of everything that was amazing about you, everything they said they loved in the beginning, to hook you in.
00:15:32.222 --> 00:15:50.751
They then set about destroying, because it's those things that make them feel inferior and they have to be the one who's worshipped in this relationship.
00:15:50.751 --> 00:16:05.292
So, yes, they suck you dry through their need, their insatiable need, for narcissistic supply, and then they go off and find another host and it's like you never existed.
00:16:08.845 --> 00:16:10.809
Yes, and that was something that I've wondered.
00:16:10.809 --> 00:16:20.224
And I have other friends who have had, you know, similar relationships and have wondered like, okay, well, he looks happy with his new partner.
00:16:20.224 --> 00:16:21.787
So was it just me?
00:16:21.787 --> 00:16:36.956
And you know, I think after years of gaslighting, you start to question like, well, maybe I was the one who was bringing on this behavior, because things look good now with this new person.
00:16:37.759 --> 00:16:38.620
Yeah, absolutely.
00:16:38.620 --> 00:16:48.091
Well, remember I said that that's the goal of narcissistic abuse the devaluation.
00:16:48.091 --> 00:16:51.115
To have you confused.
00:16:51.115 --> 00:16:52.784
This doesn't make sense.
00:16:52.784 --> 00:16:54.888
Why are they treating me this way?
00:16:55.120 --> 00:16:58.309
So gaslighting distorts your reality.
00:16:58.309 --> 00:17:03.457
Continual gaslighting and I think this has become a bit of a buzzword too.
00:17:03.457 --> 00:17:06.509
Unfortunately, people don't understand the true meaning of it.
00:17:06.509 --> 00:17:10.711
It's like brainwashing over time.
00:17:10.711 --> 00:17:19.934
You do not trust yourself, you second guess everything and you're conditioned to do that.
00:17:19.934 --> 00:17:31.643
So when you see them with that new target and they've just moved on, it's just another Tuesday for them and for you.
00:17:31.643 --> 00:17:34.090
Your whole world's been shattered.
00:17:34.090 --> 00:17:38.411
You're like a crumpled hip on the floor.
00:17:38.411 --> 00:17:41.871
You're devastated, angry.
00:17:44.381 --> 00:17:52.089
But if you think back to the start of your relationship, you would have been the same.
00:17:52.089 --> 00:17:56.510
It would have been, you know, amazing in the beginning.
00:17:56.510 --> 00:18:30.496
So all you are seeing is if you look and I strongly advise not to look simply because you victims have got a normal range of emotions, so you're never going to see anything that makes you feel good and they're basically putting propaganda out there to the world and they want you to see them with the new soulmate because they know how much it'll hurt you.
00:18:30.496 --> 00:18:35.069
That's a goal, and also to hook in the new soulmate.
00:18:35.069 --> 00:18:40.819
But yeah, you've just got to think back to the beginning of your relationship.
00:18:40.819 --> 00:19:02.571
If you look, you are simply seeing the next target being love-bombed and your ex the narcissist putting out propaganda online to hurt you, oh, and to manipulate everyone else's perceptions.
00:19:02.571 --> 00:19:07.044
Look, I'm so happy and it's like she's a mess.
00:19:07.044 --> 00:19:09.387
So it must have been her.
00:19:09.387 --> 00:19:12.374
That was the problem, right.
00:19:12.913 --> 00:19:25.228
Yes, and I remember when, you know, the two of us had just started our relationship, he was talking horribly about the woman that he was with before me and she cheated on me and she did this.
00:19:25.228 --> 00:19:25.780
And you know what?
00:19:25.780 --> 00:19:32.526
She's messaging me and she wants me back and she's sending me these pictures and she's saying all these terrible things about you.
00:19:32.526 --> 00:19:35.071
Do you want her number so you can message her?
00:19:35.071 --> 00:19:44.630
And I was like, no, well, I think I think he's classic yes, yes, triumulation, triumulation.
00:19:44.670 --> 00:19:56.451
when they bring a third party into the relationship, they want to pit people against each other, and that scenario I go into a lot of detail in my book about that scenario.
00:19:56.451 --> 00:20:00.891
So they've got the crazy ex, which you will be.
00:20:00.891 --> 00:20:02.551
Now you will be the crazy ex.
00:20:02.551 --> 00:20:03.359
I am yes.
00:20:03.359 --> 00:20:04.342
Please do not ex, which you will be.
00:20:04.342 --> 00:20:05.124
Now you will be the crazy.
00:20:05.124 --> 00:20:05.324
I am yes.
00:20:05.423 --> 00:20:20.540
So he's got the crazy ex and he, he brings her up to you to make you think that, oh, the poor darling, look, he had an absolute lunatic for for an ex.
00:20:20.540 --> 00:20:25.690
So it cements your relationship because you feels sorry for him.
00:20:25.690 --> 00:20:28.961
You also don't want to be like her.
00:20:28.961 --> 00:20:53.693
So you're the amazing girlfriend because he had such a bad one before and and when he starts to devalue you, which is inevitable, then they start singing the praises of the ex who they once purported to hate.
00:20:53.693 --> 00:21:03.443
So that makes you try harder to please them, because you don't want to be beaten by her.
00:21:03.443 --> 00:21:08.882
And he's, he's, even if you two don't know about it, it's.
00:21:08.882 --> 00:21:33.232
He's put himself at the top of the triangle in and he appears to be this wanted commodity and he's manufactured a situation, this triangulation, where two women are vying it out for him and he's got you the new soulmate, trying harder to please him.
00:21:34.280 --> 00:21:36.087
That's so interesting because I hate it.
00:21:36.087 --> 00:21:37.486
I never met this woman.
00:21:37.486 --> 00:21:48.789
I don't know that if I walked past her in the street, if I would even recognize her, but I hated her when we first started our relationship because of all these horrible things that he said about her.
00:21:50.044 --> 00:21:59.692
It's crazy making and what he did was classic, but just the manipulation.
00:21:59.692 --> 00:22:21.730
Because when he and I'm just going to say the narcissist, because so many of them do this when he's going Ingrid, here's her number, you can message her if you like to a victim, they think, well, like number one, he really trusts me to do this.
00:22:21.730 --> 00:22:29.487
So, subconsciously, this is actually strengthening your attachment to him because he really trusts me.
00:22:29.487 --> 00:22:38.965
But you either, some victims will do it, but most won't, I think, and you didn't want to.
00:22:38.965 --> 00:22:49.622
But he would have known you, he would have known you, he would have known your vulnerabilities, your your little idiosyncrasies.
00:22:49.622 --> 00:22:58.922
But he's appeared to be this person who's just an open book, and that strengthens the bond with you.
00:22:58.922 --> 00:23:06.332
And and he's also introduced a crazy ex to create future drama.
00:23:07.173 --> 00:23:09.415
Yes, yes, oh my gosh.
00:23:09.415 --> 00:23:15.292
So what are some other tactics that are really common with narcissists?
00:23:15.292 --> 00:23:34.766
In terms of what, devaluing or sucking you back in, or you know, maybe sucking you back in, because I know that there are times where you're like, let me get out of here, this is wild, and then you go back.
00:23:35.729 --> 00:23:35.970
Yeah.
00:23:35.970 --> 00:23:51.045
So when they suck you back in, we call that hoovering, so hoover the term is coined from the hoover vacuum cleaner it's meaning to suck you back in.
00:23:51.045 --> 00:23:51.286
Now.
00:23:51.286 --> 00:24:04.762
Narcissists discard you like yesterday's trash in the most horrific way, but the victim and I won't get into too much detail in this episode about it.
00:24:04.762 --> 00:24:11.208
But the victim becomes trauma bonded to them, which is an addiction.
00:24:11.208 --> 00:24:27.227
They're addicted to the chemical cocktail going through their body, walking on eggshells all the time and the rock bottom lows, followed by massive highs in the beginning and then just perceived highs.
00:24:27.227 --> 00:24:30.188
So they become addicted.
00:24:30.188 --> 00:24:39.807
So when they're discarded, many victims are sucked back in simply because they want relief.
00:24:39.807 --> 00:24:40.931
They don't know this.
00:24:40.931 --> 00:24:53.095
They think they love this person, but it's really to end the withdrawal from the person they've become addicted to, trauma bonded to.
00:24:53.695 --> 00:25:00.208
But the narcissist is very, very manipulative and experienced in this.
00:25:00.208 --> 00:25:04.095
So they want to come back.
00:25:04.095 --> 00:25:05.618
They don't want you to go away and heal.
00:25:05.618 --> 00:25:09.089
They've got to be inside your head forever.
00:25:09.089 --> 00:25:22.571
So they'll come back with a few breadcrumbs of the love bombing stage to hook you back in, just to discard you again and the next time will always be more horrific.
00:25:22.571 --> 00:25:29.402
The next time will always be more horrific.
00:25:29.402 --> 00:25:30.644
Or if it looks like they think you're happy or just moving on.
00:25:30.644 --> 00:25:42.589
They don't want you to forget about them, so they may just call out of the blue like nothing's happened, Like they didn't just shatter your heart and move on with 10 new soulmates after you.
00:25:42.589 --> 00:26:15.488
They forgot something, they left it at your house to get back inside your head, or they successful so much of the time if the person, the victim, doesn't understand what's going on.
00:26:15.488 --> 00:26:22.646
But narcissists will hoover just for the fun of it and to make sure you never forget about them.
00:26:30.720 --> 00:27:00.709
Well, and of course I have friends that have children with their abusers, so then it's like they're eternally stuck with them and despite the need to co-parent for whatever duration For you know, whatever duration it's almost like these men are still deliberately attacking even though, like in both situations, you know the two exes are both remarried and they're both in different relationships.
00:27:00.709 --> 00:27:06.438
But it's almost like the narcissistic one is still doing all of these tactics just to continue to disrupt their lives.
00:27:07.359 --> 00:27:08.906
Yeah, absolutely.
00:27:08.906 --> 00:27:19.082
One of the narcissist's favorite gaslighting lines is I hate drama.
00:27:19.082 --> 00:27:23.365
And yet drama follows them everywhere.
00:27:23.365 --> 00:27:25.926
Because it's not true.
00:27:25.926 --> 00:27:38.616
They want you to believe that, but they're lost without drama, that they can't stand being alone and they can't stand harmony, peace, quiet.
00:27:38.616 --> 00:27:43.300
So there's got to be.
00:27:43.300 --> 00:27:44.243
If there's none going on, they will create it.
00:27:44.243 --> 00:27:47.433
They're very, very anxious and uneasy when there's peace and harmony.
00:27:48.059 --> 00:28:03.609
So what a great way to create drama than to always be nitpicking and just disrupting the life of their ex.
00:28:03.609 --> 00:28:11.665
They share children with um and like speaking about triangulation just before.
00:28:11.665 --> 00:28:14.593
Uh, that gives them a huge platform.
00:28:14.593 --> 00:28:39.519
They've got an ex they share children with and they can uh make the the new target, the new partner, feel very, very insecure because they're always talking to their ex and then it becomes loose-loose for them because they're accused of being selfish, because they share children with this woman.
00:28:39.519 --> 00:28:57.002
And yet the new partner is being set up to feel insecure because the contact, the communication with the ex is not healthy I mean, all these things would have been so great to know ages ago.
00:28:57.343 --> 00:29:00.509
Um, so we both mentioned.
00:29:00.509 --> 00:29:04.035
So narcissism and gaslighting are two common buzzwords.
00:29:04.035 --> 00:29:09.471
Would you mind just explaining exactly what each of those are so that we understand?
00:29:09.471 --> 00:29:14.454
You know, narcissism isn't taking you to a different coffee shop than you asked for.
00:29:14.474 --> 00:29:15.779
Yeah.
00:29:16.563 --> 00:29:17.368
There's more to it.
00:29:18.458 --> 00:29:18.660
Yeah.
00:29:18.660 --> 00:29:24.712
So the word narcissist, yes, it has unfortunately become a buzzword.
00:29:24.712 --> 00:29:34.105
If someone's you know, a bit unpleasant, let me just put it that way oh, he's a narcissist.
00:29:34.105 --> 00:29:38.945
And people will just say you know, they're having an argument with someone, oh, that's because they're a narcissist.
00:29:38.945 --> 00:29:56.420
And it's only people who truly don't understand exactly the destruction and the insidious, predictable behaviours that are so textbook from relationship to relationship.
00:29:56.420 --> 00:30:00.059
It's only those people who will use it out of context.
00:30:00.319 --> 00:30:07.794
So it's a narcissist or NPD narcissistic personality disorder.
00:30:07.794 --> 00:30:12.346
It's a label, it's a diagnosis.
00:30:12.346 --> 00:30:28.034
But a diagnosis is a label that we give to a set of symptoms or set of traits, simply so we can apply a treatment Like so you want to give something a label so you know how to treat it.
00:30:28.034 --> 00:30:35.240
But of course, you're never going to get that diagnosis, or very rarely with a narcissist.
00:30:35.240 --> 00:30:49.855
But I guess, just to put it in a nutshell, a narcissist is someone who derives on attention.
00:30:49.855 --> 00:30:54.463
They need attention, they need to have their ego struck.
00:30:54.544 --> 00:30:55.184
All the time.
00:30:55.184 --> 00:31:21.003
They think they're better than everyone else, everyone else, they're envious of everyone else who has something that they think they don't deserve, and they also think everyone is envious of them and basically they have this grandiose view of themselves.
00:31:21.003 --> 00:31:26.534
They're special, and anyone who doesn't recognize that that's because there's something wrong with them.
00:31:26.534 --> 00:31:29.627
They lack empathy.
00:31:29.627 --> 00:31:37.054
They lack empathy and they engage in exploitative behaviors.
00:31:37.054 --> 00:31:46.872
And because they have no empathy, they're able to exploit with absolutely no qualms.
00:31:46.872 --> 00:31:57.185
It doesn't affect them, and if you're hurt because of the way they treat you or whatever they do to you, they justify it.
00:31:57.881 --> 00:32:02.967
If you're crying on the floor, well, you shouldn't have burned the dinner, they justify it.
00:00:24.722 --> 00:00:26.948
00:00:26.948 --> 00:00:28.251
00:00:28.251 --> 00:00:46.153
00:00:46.153 --> 00:00:49.750
00:00:49.750 --> 00:00:52.007
00:00:52.007 --> 00:00:54.487
00:00:54.487 --> 00:00:56.606
00:00:56.606 --> 00:00:58.948
00:00:59.359 --> 00:01:17.710
00:01:17.710 --> 00:01:20.073
00:01:20.073 --> 00:01:27.331
00:01:27.331 --> 00:01:56.293
00:01:56.293 --> 00:02:04.554
00:02:04.554 --> 00:02:08.927
00:02:08.927 --> 00:02:13.435
00:02:13.435 --> 00:02:14.180
00:02:15.242 --> 00:02:16.968
00:02:16.968 --> 00:02:21.117
00:02:21.117 --> 00:02:23.543
00:02:24.343 --> 00:02:25.887
00:02:25.887 --> 00:02:35.492
00:02:35.492 --> 00:02:38.709
00:02:38.709 --> 00:02:40.825
00:02:40.825 --> 00:02:42.126
00:02:42.126 --> 00:02:52.871
00:02:52.871 --> 00:02:53.412
00:02:53.412 --> 00:02:59.711
00:03:01.280 --> 00:03:10.038
00:03:10.038 --> 00:03:13.306
00:03:13.306 --> 00:03:15.491
00:03:16.281 --> 00:03:16.722
00:03:16.722 --> 00:03:20.441
00:03:20.441 --> 00:03:27.724
00:03:28.346 --> 00:03:29.027
00:03:29.027 --> 00:03:56.206
00:03:56.206 --> 00:04:03.703
00:04:03.703 --> 00:04:07.786
00:04:07.786 --> 00:04:12.930
00:04:12.930 --> 00:04:26.247
00:04:26.399 --> 00:05:17.312
00:05:17.312 --> 00:05:19.779
00:05:19.779 --> 00:05:23.884
00:05:23.884 --> 00:05:37.875
00:05:39.297 --> 00:05:47.060
00:05:47.060 --> 00:05:55.886
00:05:55.886 --> 00:06:01.829
00:06:03.790 --> 00:06:04.872
00:06:04.872 --> 00:06:13.476
00:06:13.476 --> 00:06:26.026
00:06:26.026 --> 00:06:35.168
00:06:35.168 --> 00:06:53.262
00:06:53.262 --> 00:06:58.050
00:06:58.050 --> 00:07:00.675
00:07:02.480 --> 00:07:11.274
00:07:11.274 --> 00:07:19.290
00:07:21.440 --> 00:07:28.733
00:07:28.733 --> 00:07:32.988
00:07:32.988 --> 00:07:55.201
00:07:55.201 --> 00:07:58.507
00:07:58.507 --> 00:08:06.146
00:08:06.146 --> 00:08:13.548
00:08:13.548 --> 00:08:38.314
00:08:38.314 --> 00:08:41.629
00:08:43.721 --> 00:08:45.048
00:08:45.048 --> 00:09:01.892
00:09:01.892 --> 00:09:13.466
00:09:13.466 --> 00:09:20.793
00:09:21.799 --> 00:09:25.586
00:09:25.586 --> 00:09:29.995
00:09:29.995 --> 00:09:35.508
00:09:35.508 --> 00:09:40.067
00:09:40.067 --> 00:09:51.195
00:09:51.195 --> 00:09:53.501
00:09:53.501 --> 00:09:56.249
00:09:56.249 --> 00:10:01.807
00:10:01.807 --> 00:10:04.753
00:10:04.753 --> 00:10:22.822
00:10:22.822 --> 00:10:29.591
00:10:29.591 --> 00:10:31.614
00:10:31.614 --> 00:10:32.875
00:10:32.875 --> 00:10:41.644
00:10:44.087 --> 00:11:04.143
00:11:04.163 --> 00:11:09.293
00:11:09.293 --> 00:11:10.596
00:11:10.596 --> 00:11:12.720
00:11:12.720 --> 00:11:21.789
00:11:21.789 --> 00:11:24.206
00:11:24.206 --> 00:11:29.096
00:11:29.096 --> 00:11:31.044
00:11:31.044 --> 00:11:35.169
00:11:36.731 --> 00:11:39.735
00:11:39.735 --> 00:11:44.966
00:11:44.966 --> 00:11:47.950
00:11:47.950 --> 00:11:54.466
00:11:54.466 --> 00:12:00.243
00:12:00.243 --> 00:12:07.142
00:12:07.142 --> 00:12:19.374
00:12:19.374 --> 00:12:22.966
00:12:23.647 --> 00:12:28.094
00:12:28.094 --> 00:12:30.139
00:12:30.160 --> 00:12:31.302
00:12:31.302 --> 00:12:46.716
00:12:46.716 --> 00:12:55.332
00:12:55.332 --> 00:13:11.446
00:13:11.446 --> 00:13:12.850
00:13:12.850 --> 00:13:23.428
00:13:23.428 --> 00:13:32.254
00:13:32.254 --> 00:13:35.905
00:13:35.905 --> 00:13:50.706
00:13:50.706 --> 00:14:12.907
00:14:14.510 --> 00:14:20.325
00:14:20.325 --> 00:14:43.591
00:14:43.759 --> 00:14:51.268
00:14:51.268 --> 00:15:04.030
00:15:04.030 --> 00:15:15.958
00:15:15.958 --> 00:15:32.222
00:15:32.222 --> 00:15:50.751
00:15:50.751 --> 00:16:05.292
00:16:08.845 --> 00:16:10.809
00:16:10.809 --> 00:16:20.224
00:16:20.224 --> 00:16:21.787
00:16:21.787 --> 00:16:36.956
00:16:37.759 --> 00:16:38.620
00:16:38.620 --> 00:16:48.091
00:16:48.091 --> 00:16:51.115
00:16:51.115 --> 00:16:52.784
00:16:52.784 --> 00:16:54.888
00:16:55.120 --> 00:16:58.309
00:16:58.309 --> 00:17:03.457
00:17:03.457 --> 00:17:06.509
00:17:06.509 --> 00:17:10.711
00:17:10.711 --> 00:17:19.934
00:17:19.934 --> 00:17:31.643
00:17:31.643 --> 00:17:34.090
00:17:34.090 --> 00:17:38.411
00:17:38.411 --> 00:17:41.871
00:17:44.381 --> 00:17:52.089
00:17:52.089 --> 00:17:56.510
00:17:56.510 --> 00:18:30.496
00:18:30.496 --> 00:18:35.069
00:18:35.069 --> 00:18:40.819
00:18:40.819 --> 00:19:02.571
00:19:02.571 --> 00:19:07.044
00:19:07.044 --> 00:19:09.387
00:19:09.387 --> 00:19:12.374
00:19:12.913 --> 00:19:25.228
00:19:25.228 --> 00:19:25.780
00:19:25.780 --> 00:19:32.526
00:19:32.526 --> 00:19:35.071
00:19:35.071 --> 00:19:44.630
00:19:44.670 --> 00:19:56.451
00:19:56.451 --> 00:20:00.891
00:20:00.891 --> 00:20:02.551
00:20:02.551 --> 00:20:03.359
00:20:03.359 --> 00:20:04.342
00:20:04.342 --> 00:20:05.124
00:20:05.124 --> 00:20:05.324
00:20:05.423 --> 00:20:20.540
00:20:20.540 --> 00:20:25.690
00:20:25.690 --> 00:20:28.961
00:20:28.961 --> 00:20:53.693
00:20:53.693 --> 00:21:03.443
00:21:03.443 --> 00:21:08.882
00:21:08.882 --> 00:21:33.232
00:21:34.280 --> 00:21:36.087
00:21:36.087 --> 00:21:37.486
00:21:37.486 --> 00:21:48.789
00:21:50.044 --> 00:21:59.692
00:21:59.692 --> 00:22:21.730
00:22:21.730 --> 00:22:29.487
00:22:29.487 --> 00:22:38.965
00:22:38.965 --> 00:22:49.622
00:22:49.622 --> 00:22:58.922
00:22:58.922 --> 00:23:06.332
00:23:07.173 --> 00:23:09.415
00:23:09.415 --> 00:23:15.292
00:23:15.292 --> 00:23:34.766
00:23:35.729 --> 00:23:35.970
00:23:35.970 --> 00:23:51.045
00:23:51.045 --> 00:23:51.286
00:23:51.286 --> 00:24:04.762
00:24:04.762 --> 00:24:11.208
00:24:11.208 --> 00:24:27.227
00:24:27.227 --> 00:24:30.188
00:24:30.188 --> 00:24:39.807
00:24:39.807 --> 00:24:40.931
00:24:40.931 --> 00:24:53.095
00:24:53.695 --> 00:25:00.208
00:25:00.208 --> 00:25:04.095
00:25:04.095 --> 00:25:05.618
00:25:05.618 --> 00:25:09.089
00:25:09.089 --> 00:25:22.571
00:25:22.571 --> 00:25:29.402
00:25:29.402 --> 00:25:30.644
00:25:30.644 --> 00:25:42.589
00:25:42.589 --> 00:26:15.488
00:26:15.488 --> 00:26:22.646
00:26:30.720 --> 00:27:00.709
00:27:00.709 --> 00:27:06.438
00:27:07.359 --> 00:27:08.906
00:27:08.906 --> 00:27:19.082
00:27:19.082 --> 00:27:23.365
00:27:23.365 --> 00:27:25.926
00:27:25.926 --> 00:27:38.616
00:27:38.616 --> 00:27:43.300
00:27:43.300 --> 00:27:44.243
00:27:44.243 --> 00:27:47.433
00:27:48.059 --> 00:28:03.609
00:28:03.609 --> 00:28:11.665
00:28:11.665 --> 00:28:14.593
00:28:14.593 --> 00:28:39.519
00:28:39.519 --> 00:28:57.002
00:28:57.343 --> 00:29:00.509
00:29:00.509 --> 00:29:04.035
00:29:04.035 --> 00:29:09.471
00:29:09.471 --> 00:29:14.454
00:29:14.474 --> 00:29:15.779
00:29:16.563 --> 00:29:17.368
00:29:18.458 --> 00:29:18.660
00:29:18.660 --> 00:29:24.712
00:29:24.712 --> 00:29:34.105
00:29:34.105 --> 00:29:38.945
00:29:38.945 --> 00:29:56.420
00:29:56.420 --> 00:30:00.059
00:30:00.319 --> 00:30:07.794
00:30:07.794 --> 00:30:12.346
00:30:12.346 --> 00:30:28.034
00:30:28.034 --> 00:30:35.240
00:30:35.240 --> 00:30:49.855
00:30:49.855 --> 00:30:54.463
00:30:54.544 --> 00:30:55.184
00:30:55.184 --> 00:31:21.003
00:31:21.003 --> 00:31:26.534
00:31:26.534 --> 00:31:29.627
00:31:29.627 --> 00:31:37.054
00:31:37.054 --> 00:31:46.872
00:31:46.872 --> 00:31:57.185
00:31:57.881 --> 00:32:02.967