Oct. 8, 2024
40-Domestic Violence SURVIVOR and AUTHOR: Michelle Johnson; Part 1
Michelle Johnson has transformed her harrowing experience into a beacon of hope and change. Her upcoming book, "Beauty and the Beast Within," shines a light on the complexities of trauma bonds and the chilling realities of domestic violence. In this powerful episode, Michelle courageously recounts the terrifying moments that led her to break free and the profound courage required to escape an abusive cycle. Her deeply personal narrative is filled with alarming statistics and insights, offering listeners a chance to understand the often-hidden signs of danger and the vital role of intervention.
Join us as we explore the intense emotional and psychological challenges Michelle faced, from life-threatening incidents involving weapons to the suffocating grip of psychological manipulation. Her story is not just about survival but also about the critical importance of recognizing red flags and trusting one's intuition. Through vivid personal anecdotes, Michelle shares how the facade of perfection can mask abusive behavior and the struggle to reconcile the idealized image of a partner with their true nature. This episode underscores the significant impact of domestic violence, not just on survivors but on their families and communities.
We also delve into the lasting repercussions of domestic abuse, examining its emotional toll and the struggle to rebuild life after trauma. Michelle opens up about the support systems that played a pivotal role in her recovery, from the friends who helped orchestrate her escape to the unwavering support of her family. Her story is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit and a call to action for those in similar situations to seek help and find the strength to escape. Through Michelle's journey, we aim to inspire listeners to advocate for change and awareness in the fight against domestic violence.
Link to Michelle’s bio: https://www.1in3podcast.com/guests/michelle-johnson/
1 in 3 is intended for mature audiences. Episodes contain explicit content and may be triggering to some.
If you are in the United States and need help right now, call the national domestic violence hotline at 800-799-7233 or text the word “start” to 88788.
Contact 1 in 3:
- Send your emails to 1in3podcast@gmail.com
- Follow on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok @1in3podcast
- Check out the website https://www.1in3podcast.com/
Thank you for listening!
Cover art by Laura Swift Dahlke
Music by Tim Crowe
00:00 - Survivor Author Discusses Domestic Violence
10:51 - Escaping Domestic Violence
15:38 - Mask of Perfection
20:53 - Family Trauma and Abusive Relationships
24:17 - Repercussions of Domestic Abuse
27:20 - Escape From Abusive Relationship
WEBVTT
00:00:23.679 --> 00:00:25.664
Hi Warriors, welcome to One in Three.
00:00:25.664 --> 00:00:26.887
I'm your host, ingrid.
00:00:26.887 --> 00:00:38.406
I have mentioned before that one of my favorite silver linings of domestic violence is hearing how survivors pull themselves up and, in their strength, also choose to pull others up with them.
00:00:38.406 --> 00:00:41.834
Today's guest is doing just that.
00:00:41.834 --> 00:00:48.885
She has chronicled her devastating experience with domestic violence in her upcoming book Beauty and the Beast Within.
00:00:48.885 --> 00:00:54.292
We had a lot to talk about, so I'm breaking our conversation into two episodes.
00:00:54.292 --> 00:01:00.133
Here's part one with survivor author and illustrator Michelle Johnson.
00:01:03.280 --> 00:01:04.563
I just want to say hello.
00:01:04.563 --> 00:01:11.034
I am also a domestic violence survivor and this is about my story.
00:01:12.521 --> 00:01:14.104
Do you want to give just like a quick background?
00:01:14.104 --> 00:01:17.451
You did say you're a domestic violence survivor, but you wrote a book.
00:01:17.472 --> 00:01:35.290
Yes, I did, and that's part of the reason you're joining today and I've actually dedicated the book to my abuser because literally without him it wouldn't be possible Like there are so many tragic things that happen to so many people, but they really do make for a good story if you think about it.
00:01:35.980 --> 00:01:37.867
Because some of the details you can't make up.
00:01:38.640 --> 00:01:42.665
That, yes, and I also didn't realize since doing this.
00:01:42.665 --> 00:01:46.394
There have been so many women that have been abused.
00:01:46.394 --> 00:01:52.307
It's a lot, a lot more than you see, or even probably the statistics even show.
00:01:52.307 --> 00:01:53.831
I don't know.
00:01:54.462 --> 00:01:55.284
I agree with you.
00:01:55.284 --> 00:01:57.347
I don't think the statistics are accurate.
00:01:57.347 --> 00:01:59.927
I know for me personally.
00:01:59.927 --> 00:02:04.599
I never reported anything, so even my story doesn't get counted in statistics.
00:02:04.599 --> 00:02:13.063
So it's worse than it's already bad enough with what we know, and it's worse when you think about all the things that have not been reported.
00:02:13.466 --> 00:02:14.788
Had I been the same person.
00:02:14.788 --> 00:02:16.361
I am now in that situation.
00:02:16.361 --> 00:02:19.207
I feel like I would have lived a long time ago.
00:02:19.889 --> 00:02:21.562
In the heat of it and you're in the middle of it.
00:02:21.562 --> 00:02:23.891
There are so many reasons on why you're still there.
00:02:24.735 --> 00:02:28.312
When they say that a person goes back, you do and I can't say.
00:02:28.312 --> 00:02:43.521
I'm not trying to justify going back, but I'm just saying I went back because I literally felt like I've never done any hard drugs but it felt like a drug withdrawal being away, Like I felt like I had to be with him, I needed him.
00:02:43.521 --> 00:02:50.735
I knew I didn't mentally, but physically, emotionally, I felt like I had to be with him, even though he was being horrible to me.
00:02:51.920 --> 00:02:53.425
It's that trauma bonds right.
00:02:54.268 --> 00:02:57.067
Yes, and it is, and it's so true, and it's so strong.
00:02:57.560 --> 00:03:06.974
I don't want you to give away all the details that you put in your book, but do you want to talk a little bit about what happened and what made you want to write the book?
00:03:08.300 --> 00:03:08.540
Sure.
00:03:08.540 --> 00:03:15.445
Well, what made me want to write it is because the things that happened in it, like it really did feel like a movie.
00:03:15.445 --> 00:03:19.073
Like, imagine yourself in the middle of literally the wood.
00:03:19.073 --> 00:03:30.854
You're in your pajamas, barefoot, it's wintertime and this guy's really pushing you down in the woods and you're stumbling, he's snatchingatching you up like that is something you would see in, like a scary movie, you know.
00:03:30.854 --> 00:03:38.579
And he's got a gun in his hand, a double barrel shotgun, and you're all you're thinking is, um, hopefully my body will be found.
00:03:38.579 --> 00:03:42.750
Like you're not thinking any more about leaving, you're not thinking any more about this.
00:03:42.750 --> 00:03:43.752
I'm gonna make it.
00:03:43.752 --> 00:03:47.068
Only thing in my head was thinking that's awful.
00:03:48.510 --> 00:03:48.771
It was.
00:03:48.771 --> 00:03:50.205
It was very scary.
00:03:52.342 --> 00:03:54.349
And I'm guessing that's not how it started.
00:03:54.349 --> 00:03:57.007
Did things sort of escalate to get to that point?
00:03:57.027 --> 00:03:58.131
They did.
00:03:58.131 --> 00:04:00.545
Because the crazy part is thinking back about it.
00:04:00.545 --> 00:04:03.687
I was little for seven years and I don't really know.
00:04:03.687 --> 00:04:08.707
I can't remember when the abuse started, but I do remember the little bitty signs.
00:04:08.707 --> 00:04:19.132
It all started out for little stuff and then it started with other females always being around and I know one time this female tried to get in his car when I was in the front seat of it.
00:04:19.132 --> 00:04:21.384
She looked at me and I looked at her.
00:04:21.384 --> 00:04:22.268
We both looked confused.
00:04:22.268 --> 00:04:24.146
I'm like he literally had just got that car.
00:04:24.146 --> 00:04:26.384
So I'm like, how do you know?
00:04:26.384 --> 00:04:27.326
He ain't even there.
00:04:27.326 --> 00:04:28.689
I just found out about the card.
00:04:28.689 --> 00:04:38.255
So that's kind of what started it, because I guess he was still talking to his exes and I would be trying to leave so and then he said, if I can have you, no one will?
00:04:38.255 --> 00:04:40.040
He meant that he really did mean it.
00:04:41.581 --> 00:04:42.983
And you were together for seven years.
00:04:43.002 --> 00:04:46.846
You said yes, we were, we were almost married, we were planning a marriage.
00:04:46.846 --> 00:04:49.490
My uncle was trying to be the ordained minister.
00:04:49.490 --> 00:04:53.012
He was trying to minister us like he was our therapist and everything.
00:04:53.012 --> 00:04:55.055
But I mean nobody, really nobody knew.
00:04:55.055 --> 00:04:56.055
I didn't you know.
00:04:56.055 --> 00:04:57.377
I kind of kept it a secret.
00:04:58.980 --> 00:05:01.062
Did you confide in anybody ever?
00:05:01.062 --> 00:05:01.101
I?
00:05:02.242 --> 00:05:05.144
didn't really have to confide in her.
00:05:05.144 --> 00:05:07.706
She just knew me well enough to know something was wrong.
00:05:07.706 --> 00:05:18.053
That's how she knew, because when he had took me to the woods and pointed that gun in my face, it was actually about her, because he didn't want me to be friends with her anymore.
00:05:19.214 --> 00:05:22.396
Had she said something to him, or did he just know she knew?
00:05:24.779 --> 00:05:41.372
If she did, I don't know, because she was the kind of person that if somebody messed with her friend, she gonna she gonna try to do what she can to protect them, cause she actually is the reason why my mom came to the hospital, because he had me call her in the woods and tell her that I couldn't be friends with her anymore because my relationship with him was more important.
00:05:41.372 --> 00:05:49.990
Like that was what he wanted, that was what made him not pull that trigger when he had me on that ground, cause I asked him what do you want, what do you want me to do?
00:05:49.990 --> 00:05:51.093
And that's what he said.
00:05:52.894 --> 00:05:55.819
Oh my gosh, so you're.
00:05:55.819 --> 00:06:00.932
So you're in the woods with a shotgun pointed at you, talking to your friends.
00:06:01.500 --> 00:06:18.925
And I'm on my knees with my hands behind my head, executioner style, in the middle of the woods and his family lives in like Royal Arkansas and there's like, if you've ever been there, it's like natural forest, like there was like panthers and stuff out there, because we stayed in a cabin on his property and you could literally hear them.
00:06:18.925 --> 00:06:20.649
You know they sound like a woman screaming.
00:06:20.649 --> 00:06:25.045
You could hear them at night because, like I said, it was just forest and woods.
00:06:25.045 --> 00:06:27.069
People would go hunting back there and everything.
00:06:28.511 --> 00:06:31.394
So if you started screaming, nobody would think anything of it.
00:06:32.240 --> 00:06:40.930
His mom heard the gunshot and all she did was ask him, because we went back to her house afterwards and then she asked him was that him in the woods firing the gun?
00:06:40.930 --> 00:06:47.173
Because he shot the gun beside me to make sure I knew that it was loaded and he hit the tree.
00:06:47.173 --> 00:06:50.608
So I already knew it was loaded because I've seen him loading it.
00:06:50.608 --> 00:06:57.865
But he wants me to make sure that you know that he he was not afraid to do that and all his mom said was that you in the woods with the gun.
00:06:57.865 --> 00:07:00.725
She was like oh okay, I'm sitting there thinking with you.
00:07:00.725 --> 00:07:03.244
I wanted to try to go see why your son is.
00:07:03.244 --> 00:07:05.526
You know it's like three, four, five o'clock in the morning.
00:07:06.427 --> 00:07:09.192
So how did you get from the woods back into the house?
00:07:09.192 --> 00:07:10.733
Did he just say, let's go?
00:07:17.740 --> 00:07:17.779
No.
00:07:17.779 --> 00:07:18.805
As he hit the gun to my head, he asked me.
00:07:18.805 --> 00:07:19.730
He said, yeah, I was like what do we want?
00:07:19.730 --> 00:07:21.560
And he was like I want you to do this if you want me not to kill you.
00:07:21.560 --> 00:07:22.665
And I'm like, well, what do you want?
00:07:22.665 --> 00:07:28.723
And he was like I want you to stop being friends with her, I want you to stop being friends with her.
00:07:28.723 --> 00:07:30.670
At that point I was willing to anything and everything anyway.
00:07:30.670 --> 00:07:31.894
So I was like that's fine, okay, I'll do it.
00:07:31.894 --> 00:07:32.838
He had me call her Once.
00:07:32.838 --> 00:07:35.244
I called her and told her that he felt better.
00:07:35.244 --> 00:07:36.908
He had me go to his mom's house.
00:07:37.309 --> 00:07:39.982
We were laying down in bed and then I kept falling asleep.
00:07:39.982 --> 00:07:44.512
But I kept waking up because he had choked me so much I couldn't swallow my spit.
00:07:44.512 --> 00:07:52.490
So I was sat there laying in bed and I'm like, if you don't take me to the ER, I don't think I'm gonna wake up.
00:07:52.490 --> 00:07:53.956
And he was like well, what are you gonna tell them?
00:07:53.956 --> 00:07:59.255
I'm like I don't care what is told to them, I just know if I lay here, I'm gonna choke on my own spit.
00:07:59.697 --> 00:08:03.240
At that time I didn't even know my face looked the way it did, or anything.
00:08:03.240 --> 00:08:05.221
I didn't because, you know I hadn't seen myself.
00:08:05.221 --> 00:08:10.345
I just knew I was, I was, my anxiety was on 10.
00:08:10.345 --> 00:08:12.305
My adrenaline probably was on 100.
00:08:12.305 --> 00:08:15.226
And I just knew that I needed to get emergency attention.
00:08:15.226 --> 00:08:17.487
I didn't know how I looked until we were at the gas station.
00:08:17.487 --> 00:08:18.689
His mom was getting gas.
00:08:18.689 --> 00:08:22.451
I was in the front seat.
00:08:22.451 --> 00:08:26.473
I see my reflection and I'm kind of like is that me?
00:08:26.473 --> 00:08:32.915
And then when his mom got to the hospital, his mom looked at me and she said I didn't even realize your face looked like that.
00:08:32.915 --> 00:08:34.937
My face was so swollen.
00:08:34.937 --> 00:08:36.037
My mom seen it.
00:08:36.037 --> 00:08:37.258
She didn't even she.
00:08:37.258 --> 00:08:38.478
All she did was look at me.
00:08:38.478 --> 00:08:42.464
Her jaw was dropped and she ran out looking for him.
00:08:42.464 --> 00:08:45.790
He made his mom stay with him, stay with me.
00:08:45.790 --> 00:08:49.639
He had my phone, he had my keys, he had my vehicle.
00:08:49.778 --> 00:08:50.767
I had nothing.
00:08:50.767 --> 00:08:56.158
I was there in pajamas, in a jacket, barefoot, in the hospital.
00:08:56.158 --> 00:08:59.412
His mom is sitting there playing the game on her phone like she's like my.
00:08:59.451 --> 00:09:12.291
I felt like she was my prison warden so she's just acting chill like nothing is weird yes, when she looked at me and said oh, I didn't even realize your face was like that, like it, kind of like.
00:09:12.291 --> 00:09:21.027
I looked at her like how could you say that to somebody like my face like the pictures are in my book as well of how my face looks like I couldn't.
00:09:21.027 --> 00:09:22.873
I was on a liquid diet.
00:09:22.873 --> 00:09:24.298
I couldn't eat, I couldn't drink.
00:09:24.298 --> 00:09:27.087
All the medicines was liquid because I couldn't smoke.
00:09:27.148 --> 00:09:28.572
He had strangled me so much.
00:09:28.572 --> 00:09:31.802
He strangled me so much I actually urinated on myself.
00:09:31.802 --> 00:09:33.707
I couldn't fight anymore.
00:09:33.707 --> 00:09:35.815
Every part of my body was heavy.
00:09:35.815 --> 00:09:40.249
I felt like I was underwater and I was just being squished and everything went dark.
00:09:40.249 --> 00:09:44.158
I actually woke up and my dad had passed away and I seen my dad.
00:09:44.158 --> 00:09:46.667
I heard footsteps, I seen a door open.
00:09:46.667 --> 00:09:49.067
It was my dad and he said it wasn't my time yet.
00:09:49.067 --> 00:09:51.850
And then when I woke up, I was hogtied.
00:09:51.850 --> 00:09:56.693
My hands and feet were hogtied behind my back with an extension cord and I was just.
00:09:56.693 --> 00:10:00.177
I just woke up like because I mean, I literally was just knocked out.
00:10:00.177 --> 00:10:04.960
You know, because I, just because you really do urine at yourself when you pass.
00:10:04.960 --> 00:10:08.363
I really had a death experience and it's crazy.
00:10:10.144 --> 00:10:10.745
Do you know?
00:10:10.745 --> 00:10:12.009
Did he ever?
00:10:12.009 --> 00:10:15.957
Did he have a history of abuse that you know of with previous partners?
00:10:16.985 --> 00:10:17.528
That part.
00:10:17.528 --> 00:10:40.527
No one there was kind of here I can't say there was one, because a lot of the people that he dated I think they were into that kind of thing, like when I say this guy is so strong like he literally could pick up the front end of a four-wheeler with one hand and lift it over his head and he was in boxing, like he probably should have been like one of those people that if you hit somebody you're automatically in jail.
00:10:40.527 --> 00:10:51.147
Because when I he was strong, this dude was like intense strength, like freaking super geriatric strength, like he was strong.
00:10:52.208 --> 00:11:11.125
Yeah, I just I feel like for his mom to just act so calm that she had to have somehow been exposed to that or just known that he was capable of that kind of thing, because I can't imagine anyone just being mom or not a mom or whatever, a relative or friend or anything.
00:11:11.125 --> 00:11:18.589
I can't imagine anyone just sitting there just playing on their phone while, like your face, looks unrecognizable.
00:11:19.510 --> 00:11:23.097
And it was my face, my neck bruises wasn't the word.
00:11:23.097 --> 00:11:24.888
I was bruised up from head to toe.
00:11:24.888 --> 00:11:27.937
I had marks on my neck from his machete.
00:11:27.937 --> 00:11:39.657
There have been a few times that had I not listened to whatever intuition told me to do, he would have killed me, because one time he had a steak knife to my throat and we were fighting.
00:11:39.657 --> 00:11:47.533
And once again it was a fight over my friend, because I think a lot of it because he knew she was going to protect me and I guess he felt that maybe I was closer to her than him.
00:11:47.533 --> 00:11:57.212
I'm not really sure what kind of jealousy he had with that, but he had a steak knife to my throat and something told me to put my hands under the knife and the moment I did he actually cut.
00:11:57.212 --> 00:12:15.668
If I would have kept my hand, if I would not have put my hands under the knife, he would have cut my throat, because I had to this day to understand how I was so calm.
00:12:16.950 --> 00:12:21.517
Now, did the hospital staff on any of those times?
00:12:21.517 --> 00:12:26.330
Did they ask you, or did they pull you aside and talk to you privately and ask you what's going on?
00:12:27.432 --> 00:12:38.859
When I got my face beat up they did, but I worked at that hospital as well, so they actually did was like hold up, because his mom was there and they actually got her out and everything because he was having her watch me.
00:12:38.859 --> 00:12:43.816
But when they left, he left and he took all my vehicle and everything with him.
00:12:43.816 --> 00:12:45.971
So I didn't have anything.
00:12:45.971 --> 00:12:46.907
He took it all with him.
00:12:46.907 --> 00:12:57.346
When he left, like my friend was trying to get my vehicle back but he took the battery out and he told her if she, if they, we wanted my truck, he, I was gonna have to come and talk to her, talk to him.
00:12:57.346 --> 00:13:03.910
He pointed a gun at her and everything, but she wasn't afraid because plenty of times like she's had to rescue me from him.
00:13:03.910 --> 00:13:06.559
He's even chased us in a car before.
00:13:06.559 --> 00:13:13.854
We're like driving, flying through town in a high speed chase and he's chasing us?
00:13:13.913 --> 00:13:15.196
Yes, that's awful.
00:13:15.196 --> 00:13:18.466
Do you have all of that in your book?
00:13:19.188 --> 00:13:22.975
Yes, Even the parts where he drugged me and I was.
00:13:22.975 --> 00:13:26.950
Some random people heard us fighting in the street and he had the double barrel shotgun.
00:13:26.950 --> 00:13:33.147
I don't even know how he was able to carry this in his vehicle because he literally kept it in his car Like I don't know.
00:13:33.147 --> 00:13:38.448
I remember being in High Springs off somewhere and these people house was kind of up and I guess these men heard us fighting.
00:13:38.448 --> 00:13:43.158
So they came down and they see him hurting me because he had my hair in a panty to pity me.
00:13:43.158 --> 00:13:48.140
And these guys came and they like started wiggling on him and they told me to run up the hill to their house.
00:13:48.140 --> 00:13:55.864
And I'm just like, yes, I'm like I feel like I was running in slow motion, like I couldn't get away fast enough, like I didn't even know these people.
00:13:55.864 --> 00:13:56.687
I don't even.
00:13:56.687 --> 00:14:07.431
It was two gentlemen, I just know I ran to their house and then my friend found us and they told her where I was and she came and got me and then when we left he started chasing us trying to get her to wreck her vehicle.
00:14:08.211 --> 00:14:10.192
One time he had poured gasoline.
00:14:10.192 --> 00:14:18.280
He stripped all my clothes off, he poured all my things in a pile, poured gasoline on everything and me when he went to go find something to light it.
00:14:18.280 --> 00:14:19.881
I didn't care that I was naked.
00:14:19.881 --> 00:14:21.466
We lived in a trailer park.
00:14:21.466 --> 00:14:26.236
I ran out that door and before my foot could hit that step on the ground to be gone.
00:14:26.236 --> 00:14:32.333
All I remember is being it's like I was clothesline when he just snatched me up and I just came right back in the house.
00:14:32.333 --> 00:14:34.965
Like I can remember, my foot almost hit it.
00:14:34.965 --> 00:14:36.207
I was almost free.
00:14:36.207 --> 00:14:38.655
I didn't care, I was naked, I was going to go.
00:14:38.655 --> 00:14:43.476
I was going to run streaking wherever, whoever come at me, I did not care.
00:14:44.086 --> 00:14:50.932
Let's talk about a few things like how we started talking about how you look back and you're like why did I stay Other than the trauma bond?
00:14:50.932 --> 00:14:52.856
Was there anything that kept you?
00:14:52.856 --> 00:15:04.274
Because I know sometimes there's financial reasons that people stay, or just they have nowhere to go or fearful that their abuser is going to find them.
00:15:04.274 --> 00:15:08.769
Was there anything specific other than that that trauma bond that kept pulling you back?
00:15:09.451 --> 00:15:10.614
I was very afraid.
00:15:10.614 --> 00:15:15.195
He used to tell me that you know cause he did have connections that knew how to hack computers and stuff.
00:15:15.195 --> 00:15:15.725
You know cause?
00:15:15.725 --> 00:15:19.028
I've seen it and he was talking about you know they know how to cap cameras.
00:15:19.028 --> 00:15:21.575
He always told me that they would find me and he would come after me.
00:15:21.575 --> 00:15:26.856
He always told me he would go after my family, like he always told me that he told me he would go after my family.
00:15:26.856 --> 00:15:27.418
He always told me that.
00:15:27.418 --> 00:15:27.918
He told me that so much.
00:15:27.918 --> 00:15:32.727
You can't help, but believe it when you hear it all the time If you leave me, I'm going to find you, I will find you.
00:15:32.727 --> 00:15:34.774
He always said if I left him, it'll be a war.
00:15:34.774 --> 00:15:37.408
He always said that If you leave, it's going to be a war.
00:15:39.130 --> 00:15:45.490
So I just looked at these statistics just for my knowledge and then for a friend as well.
00:15:45.490 --> 00:15:55.169
When you are and I want whoever's listening to pay attention to these two I think I've mentioned it before but when you're strangled by your partner, you your.
00:15:55.169 --> 00:16:03.655
Your risk of dying by that partner with use of a gun increases by 750% within one year.
00:16:03.655 --> 00:16:12.672
Like the article I read, they said the quote that stuck out was when a man and usually it's men strangling women.
00:16:12.672 --> 00:16:41.938
I'm sure there's probably an instance of a woman strangling men, but when you look at it, men are physically built to be bigger and dominant to women, and so usually it's a man strangling a woman that when he puts his hands around her neck he's declaring I'm a killer because at statistically he will kill someone within, like I guess, his lifetime.
00:16:43.083 --> 00:16:55.169
Wow, I pray that he hasn't, though, but if he has, I hope he under the jail, because maybe whoever because I mean and it's crazy though, because like he was an Adonis to me, like I thought he was so perfect, like he was.
00:16:55.169 --> 00:17:01.347
He was mixed, so he had that caramel skin, he had a perfect smile, he worked out, he was built, he had muscles.
00:17:01.347 --> 00:17:03.168
I'm like I'm thinking I'm winning.
00:17:03.168 --> 00:17:05.471
Like my everybody wanted to meet him.
00:17:05.471 --> 00:17:06.512
My uncle met him.
00:17:06.512 --> 00:17:15.020
My uncle was trying to puff up his chest because he was so built, so I guess he was kind of intimidating, you know, and I just thought I'm just thinking, oh my God, I found the best person.
00:17:15.020 --> 00:17:18.528
My family liked him, my grandpa liked him.
00:17:18.528 --> 00:17:21.557
It was just crazy in how perfect we all thought he was.
00:17:24.266 --> 00:17:25.670
Well, and that's what they do is.
00:17:25.670 --> 00:17:27.715
It's that love bombing thing that they do.
00:17:27.715 --> 00:17:32.005
They, they actually put on this persona of this most perfect person.
00:17:32.005 --> 00:17:58.058
So then you get pulled in and they I don't know if he did, but they can lavish you with with compliments and they just you feel like the most important person in the world they put you on this pedestal, and I think they purposely put you on a pedestal so that when they knock that down, you crash down hard and then it's almost like you have no idea what happens to you or to the two of you as a couple.
00:17:58.058 --> 00:18:00.834
You're just completely taken aback by all of it.
00:18:02.205 --> 00:18:25.768
You're absolutely right, because I'm just like even to this day it's mind blowing, like I'm pretty sure there was so many red flags and I just I think I was just more enamored at him you know what I'm saying because I just felt like he was just so perfect to me, like you know, because I like the muscular and the perfect skin, and he had the great smile and he was smart and he was fun and funny.
00:18:25.768 --> 00:18:26.063
And I'm like yay and then no.
00:18:26.063 --> 00:18:30.239
And he had the great smile and he was smart and he was fun and funny, and I'm like yay and then no.
00:18:31.786 --> 00:18:39.855
Well, I think they're really good also at finding out what is important to you, what you like, and they become that person for you too.
00:18:39.855 --> 00:18:45.398
I mean, obviously, if he was built and he is just naturally good looking, you can't necessarily change that for you.
00:18:45.398 --> 00:18:54.618
But knowing what characteristics to play up to just kind of pull you in even more is I think that's all part of their, their game.
00:18:54.618 --> 00:19:05.692
But this person that you build up in your head, that's not the real person, that's the, that's just the show, and I think that's part of it.
00:19:05.692 --> 00:19:17.388
That makes it so hard to leave too is because in your mind you have the potential of what could be and you just want to hold on to that, or even what was, and you want to get back to that.
00:19:18.872 --> 00:19:24.392
I did Cause, like I said, I thought he was so perfect, he was so sweet and kind and he said the sweet things.
00:19:24.392 --> 00:19:37.576
And the craziest part is, like I met him through a job, because I was, I'm a CNA and actually was his grandfather's caretaker and like I think the first few times I was supposed to go see his grandfather I canceled I don't know why, but I did.
00:19:37.576 --> 00:19:49.479
And the day I went to see him I actually had wished I would have canceled because I didn't want to go and I kind of wished I would have listened to my intuition and my body at that time and trying to think okay, why do I feel this way about where I'm going?
00:19:49.479 --> 00:19:53.672
Instead of just thinking that I just didn't feel like working, I'm like I already feel like working.
00:19:55.625 --> 00:19:59.457
I think after you've been through this, you start to pay attention more to your intuition.
00:19:59.457 --> 00:20:06.458
You realize your body or your brain or something was telling you that to do something different.
00:20:06.458 --> 00:20:13.035
It's just you didn't know then to listen to it, or even what was trying to be told to you, I think.
00:00:23.679 --> 00:00:25.664
00:00:25.664 --> 00:00:26.887
00:00:26.887 --> 00:00:38.406
00:00:38.406 --> 00:00:41.834
00:00:41.834 --> 00:00:48.885
00:00:48.885 --> 00:00:54.292
00:00:54.292 --> 00:01:00.133
00:01:03.280 --> 00:01:04.563
00:01:04.563 --> 00:01:11.034
00:01:12.521 --> 00:01:14.104
00:01:14.104 --> 00:01:17.451
00:01:17.472 --> 00:01:35.290
00:01:35.980 --> 00:01:37.867
00:01:38.640 --> 00:01:42.665
00:01:42.665 --> 00:01:46.394
00:01:46.394 --> 00:01:52.307
00:01:52.307 --> 00:01:53.831
00:01:54.462 --> 00:01:55.284
00:01:55.284 --> 00:01:57.347
00:01:57.347 --> 00:01:59.927
00:01:59.927 --> 00:02:04.599
00:02:04.599 --> 00:02:13.063
00:02:13.466 --> 00:02:14.788
00:02:14.788 --> 00:02:16.361
00:02:16.361 --> 00:02:19.207
00:02:19.889 --> 00:02:21.562
00:02:21.562 --> 00:02:23.891
00:02:24.735 --> 00:02:28.312
00:02:28.312 --> 00:02:43.521
00:02:43.521 --> 00:02:50.735
00:02:51.920 --> 00:02:53.425
00:02:54.268 --> 00:02:57.067
00:02:57.560 --> 00:03:06.974
00:03:08.300 --> 00:03:08.540
00:03:08.540 --> 00:03:15.445
00:03:15.445 --> 00:03:19.073
00:03:19.073 --> 00:03:30.854
00:03:30.854 --> 00:03:38.579
00:03:38.579 --> 00:03:42.750
00:03:42.750 --> 00:03:43.752
00:03:43.752 --> 00:03:47.068
00:03:48.510 --> 00:03:48.771
00:03:48.771 --> 00:03:50.205
00:03:52.342 --> 00:03:54.349
00:03:54.349 --> 00:03:57.007
00:03:57.027 --> 00:03:58.131
00:03:58.131 --> 00:04:00.545
00:04:00.545 --> 00:04:03.687
00:04:03.687 --> 00:04:08.707
00:04:08.707 --> 00:04:19.132
00:04:19.132 --> 00:04:21.384
00:04:21.384 --> 00:04:22.268
00:04:22.268 --> 00:04:24.146
00:04:24.146 --> 00:04:26.384
00:04:26.384 --> 00:04:27.326
00:04:27.326 --> 00:04:28.689
00:04:28.689 --> 00:04:38.255
00:04:38.255 --> 00:04:40.040
00:04:41.581 --> 00:04:42.983
00:04:43.002 --> 00:04:46.846
00:04:46.846 --> 00:04:49.490
00:04:49.490 --> 00:04:53.012
00:04:53.012 --> 00:04:55.055
00:04:55.055 --> 00:04:56.055
00:04:56.055 --> 00:04:57.377
00:04:58.980 --> 00:05:01.062
00:05:01.062 --> 00:05:01.101
00:05:02.242 --> 00:05:05.144
00:05:05.144 --> 00:05:07.706
00:05:07.706 --> 00:05:18.053
00:05:19.214 --> 00:05:22.396
00:05:24.779 --> 00:05:41.372
00:05:41.372 --> 00:05:49.990
00:05:49.990 --> 00:05:51.093
00:05:52.894 --> 00:05:55.819
00:05:55.819 --> 00:06:00.932
00:06:01.500 --> 00:06:18.925
00:06:18.925 --> 00:06:20.649
00:06:20.649 --> 00:06:25.045
00:06:25.045 --> 00:06:27.069
00:06:28.511 --> 00:06:31.394
00:06:32.240 --> 00:06:40.930
00:06:40.930 --> 00:06:47.173
00:06:47.173 --> 00:06:50.608
00:06:50.608 --> 00:06:57.865
00:06:57.865 --> 00:07:00.725
00:07:00.725 --> 00:07:03.244
00:07:03.244 --> 00:07:05.526
00:07:06.427 --> 00:07:09.192
00:07:09.192 --> 00:07:10.733
00:07:17.740 --> 00:07:17.779
00:07:17.779 --> 00:07:18.805
00:07:18.805 --> 00:07:19.730
00:07:19.730 --> 00:07:21.560
00:07:21.560 --> 00:07:22.665
00:07:22.665 --> 00:07:28.723
00:07:28.723 --> 00:07:30.670
00:07:30.670 --> 00:07:31.894
00:07:31.894 --> 00:07:32.838
00:07:32.838 --> 00:07:35.244
00:07:35.244 --> 00:07:36.908
00:07:37.309 --> 00:07:39.982
00:07:39.982 --> 00:07:44.512
00:07:44.512 --> 00:07:52.490
00:07:52.490 --> 00:07:53.956
00:07:53.956 --> 00:07:59.255
00:07:59.697 --> 00:08:03.240
00:08:03.240 --> 00:08:05.221
00:08:05.221 --> 00:08:10.345
00:08:10.345 --> 00:08:12.305
00:08:12.305 --> 00:08:15.226
00:08:15.226 --> 00:08:17.487
00:08:17.487 --> 00:08:18.689
00:08:18.689 --> 00:08:22.451
00:08:22.451 --> 00:08:26.473
00:08:26.473 --> 00:08:32.915
00:08:32.915 --> 00:08:34.937
00:08:34.937 --> 00:08:36.037
00:08:36.037 --> 00:08:37.258
00:08:37.258 --> 00:08:38.478
00:08:38.478 --> 00:08:42.464
00:08:42.464 --> 00:08:45.790
00:08:45.790 --> 00:08:49.639
00:08:49.778 --> 00:08:50.767
00:08:50.767 --> 00:08:56.158
00:08:56.158 --> 00:08:59.412
00:08:59.451 --> 00:09:12.291
00:09:12.291 --> 00:09:21.027
00:09:21.027 --> 00:09:22.873
00:09:22.873 --> 00:09:24.298
00:09:24.298 --> 00:09:27.087
00:09:27.148 --> 00:09:28.572
00:09:28.572 --> 00:09:31.802
00:09:31.802 --> 00:09:33.707
00:09:33.707 --> 00:09:35.815
00:09:35.815 --> 00:09:40.249
00:09:40.249 --> 00:09:44.158
00:09:44.158 --> 00:09:46.667
00:09:46.667 --> 00:09:49.067
00:09:49.067 --> 00:09:51.850
00:09:51.850 --> 00:09:56.693
00:09:56.693 --> 00:10:00.177
00:10:00.177 --> 00:10:04.960
00:10:04.960 --> 00:10:08.363
00:10:10.144 --> 00:10:10.745
00:10:10.745 --> 00:10:12.009
00:10:12.009 --> 00:10:15.957
00:10:16.985 --> 00:10:17.528
00:10:17.528 --> 00:10:40.527
00:10:40.527 --> 00:10:51.147
00:10:52.208 --> 00:11:11.125
00:11:11.125 --> 00:11:18.589
00:11:19.510 --> 00:11:23.097
00:11:23.097 --> 00:11:24.888
00:11:24.888 --> 00:11:27.937
00:11:27.937 --> 00:11:39.657
00:11:39.657 --> 00:11:47.533
00:11:47.533 --> 00:11:57.212
00:11:57.212 --> 00:12:15.668
00:12:16.950 --> 00:12:21.517
00:12:21.517 --> 00:12:26.330
00:12:27.432 --> 00:12:38.859
00:12:38.859 --> 00:12:43.816
00:12:43.816 --> 00:12:45.971
00:12:45.971 --> 00:12:46.907
00:12:46.907 --> 00:12:57.346
00:12:57.346 --> 00:13:03.910
00:13:03.910 --> 00:13:06.559
00:13:06.559 --> 00:13:13.854
00:13:13.913 --> 00:13:15.196
00:13:15.196 --> 00:13:18.466
00:13:19.188 --> 00:13:22.975
00:13:22.975 --> 00:13:26.950
00:13:26.950 --> 00:13:33.147
00:13:33.147 --> 00:13:38.448
00:13:38.448 --> 00:13:43.158
00:13:43.158 --> 00:13:48.140
00:13:48.140 --> 00:13:55.864
00:13:55.864 --> 00:13:56.687
00:13:56.687 --> 00:14:07.431
00:14:08.211 --> 00:14:10.192
00:14:10.192 --> 00:14:18.280
00:14:18.280 --> 00:14:19.881
00:14:19.881 --> 00:14:21.466
00:14:21.466 --> 00:14:26.236
00:14:26.236 --> 00:14:32.333
00:14:32.333 --> 00:14:34.965
00:14:34.965 --> 00:14:36.207
00:14:36.207 --> 00:14:38.655
00:14:38.655 --> 00:14:43.476
00:14:44.086 --> 00:14:50.932
00:14:50.932 --> 00:14:52.856
00:14:52.856 --> 00:15:04.274
00:15:04.274 --> 00:15:08.769
00:15:09.451 --> 00:15:10.614
00:15:10.614 --> 00:15:15.195
00:15:15.195 --> 00:15:15.725
00:15:15.725 --> 00:15:19.028
00:15:19.028 --> 00:15:21.575
00:15:21.575 --> 00:15:26.856
00:15:26.856 --> 00:15:27.418
00:15:27.418 --> 00:15:27.918
00:15:27.918 --> 00:15:32.727
00:15:32.727 --> 00:15:34.774
00:15:34.774 --> 00:15:37.408
00:15:39.130 --> 00:15:45.490
00:15:45.490 --> 00:15:55.169
00:15:55.169 --> 00:16:03.655
00:16:03.655 --> 00:16:12.672
00:16:12.672 --> 00:16:41.938
00:16:43.083 --> 00:16:55.169
00:16:55.169 --> 00:17:01.347
00:17:01.347 --> 00:17:03.168
00:17:03.168 --> 00:17:05.471
00:17:05.471 --> 00:17:06.512
00:17:06.512 --> 00:17:15.020
00:17:15.020 --> 00:17:18.528
00:17:18.528 --> 00:17:21.557
00:17:24.266 --> 00:17:25.670
00:17:25.670 --> 00:17:27.715
00:17:27.715 --> 00:17:32.005
00:17:32.005 --> 00:17:58.058
00:17:58.058 --> 00:18:00.834
00:18:02.205 --> 00:18:25.768
00:18:25.768 --> 00:18:26.063
00:18:26.063 --> 00:18:30.239
00:18:31.786 --> 00:18:39.855
00:18:39.855 --> 00:18:45.398
00:18:45.398 --> 00:18:54.618
00:18:54.618 --> 00:19:05.692
00:19:05.692 --> 00:19:17.388
00:19:18.872 --> 00:19:24.392
00:19:24.392 --> 00:19:37.576
00:19:37.576 --> 00:19:49.479
00:19:49.479 --> 00:19:53.672
00:19:55.625 --> 00:19:59.457
00:19:59.457 --> 00:20:06.458
00:20:06.458 --> 00:20:13.035