Oct. 15, 2024
42-Confronting Domestic Violence: A. Garcia; Part 1
What compels someone to transform personal trauma into a powerful tool for change? A. Garcia, a resilient survivor of domestic violence, joins me to share her inspiring journey from survival to advocacy. Growing up in a home marked by violence and then facing similar patterns in her own relationships, A. Garcia found a pivotal moment of transformation upon becoming a parent. Committed to breaking the cycle of abuse for her daughter's sake, she recounts the harrowing experience of her daughter's abduction by a former partner, illustrating that the challenges continue long after leaving an abusive environment.
Our conversation takes a critical turn as we address the often-overlooked issue of teen dating violence. We emphasize the necessity of education in redefining harm in relationships, aiming to empower young people to recognize early signs of abuse. By advocating for relationship education in school curriculums, we hope to equip teenagers with the tools to navigate their feelings and understand consent, especially when faced with unsafe home environments. Through personal stories and encouraging self-reflection, we highlight how awareness can be a powerful force in preventing domestic violence from a young age.
A. Garcia also offers a deeply personal perspective on enduring long-term psychological abuse and the journey toward healing. By sharing her experience of fleeing violence while pregnant, she sheds light on the strength required to rebuild trust and identity amidst societal judgment and ongoing trauma. We explore the transformative power of self-advocacy and healing through therapy, visualization, and positive self-talk, emphasizing the importance of viewing one's experiences from a compassionate perspective. Join us for this eye-opening narrative that underscores the resilience of the human spirit and the potential for growth and recovery even in the darkest situations.
Link to A. Garcia's profile: https://www.1in3podcast.com/guests/agape/
1 in 3 is intended for mature audiences. Episodes contain explicit content and may be triggering to some.
If you are in the United States and need help right now, call the national domestic violence hotline at 800-799-7233 or text the word “start” to 88788.
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Thank you for listening!
Cover art by Laura Swift Dahlke
Music by Tim Crowe
00:00 - Breaking the Cycle of Domestic Violence
07:49 - Understanding Teen Dating Violence
18:07 - Unpacking Long-Term Psychological Abuse
29:10 - Survivor Perspective on Long-Term Trauma
35:46 - Self-Advocacy and Healing Journeys
WEBVTT
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Hi Warriors, welcome to 1 in 3, I'm your host, ingrid.
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Today I have another survivor turned warrior episode for you.
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A Garcia shares pieces of her lifelong experience with domestic violence.
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The conversation flows easily as we intermix insight into what can be done to stop DV.
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As usual, we had a lot to speak about, so I'm breaking this into two episodes.
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Here is part one with A Garcia.
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Okay, good morning.
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Today I have A Garcia with me.
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Welcome, thank you.
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Thank you for having me, and I don't know if you want to give a little brief introduction before I know you and I are going to talk a lot and so I don't know if you want to give a quick little background of how well we don't have to talk about how we got introduced to each other, because that's a long tale.
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Have to talk about how we got introduced to each other, because that's a long tail, but if you want to give a background of what you're doing and whatever else you want to share, Sure, thank you.
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More than likely, I have a feeling we're going to talk more about what's happening today and what's going on now, so I'll just share a brief background of you know my life and why I'm here on your show.
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You know one out of three.
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You know one out of three is the true statistics of.
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You know women that have either been exposed to or actually experiencing a form of domestic violence.
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You know the needle hasn't moved.
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For decades We've been fighting for rights and you know the severity of this topic for centuries, in 1641.
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Okay, um and so now for the statistics to be the needle to have moved, those statistics.
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Since COVID by the way not sure if you're aware of that COVID was a our domestic violence was a pandemic.
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In within the pandemic.
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It definitely moved that needle forward.
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One out of four men are now a part of, or exposed to, or have experienced a form of domestic violence.
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So one out of three for the women, one out of four for the men, right, that's pretty significant.
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So for me personally, I will say that domestic violence was a part of my life for a very long time.
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Unfortunately, I was born into it per se.
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I didn't know anything different or anything better.
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And throughout life, it wasn't until I had my first child as teenager that I was like, oh my gosh, this is not what I want for my kid, this is not what the life I'm going to give, this is not the environment I'm going to provide, and it's so weird on how that was just like a switch.
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It was just a switch.
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I don't know how or why or what, but I knew when I was bringing another human being into this world, I was not going to share the life I had.
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It was going to be a different one, and so I've, just like I said, I was born into it.
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My mother was in an abusive relationship, so there was this gestational trauma that I experienced before I even came into the world, and the situation, the environment was bad enough for her that when she left, she packed her bags and left.
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She didn't take her kids, and so after we were abandoned I say me because I had a younger sister at the time a year after she left, my sister passed away.
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So now it's just me and my dad right In the environment that my mother left, and you know, here he just lost his baby, you know.
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So his coping skills were not the best, you know.
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He worked third shift and slept all day and we had nothing, no relationship, no bond, no connection, no, nothing.
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So, you know, I I did have some aunts that stepped up and stepped in for quite some time and then it was, you know, the streets.
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I resorted to the streets.
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That's where I had friends, that's where I had fun, that's where I was, you know, very occupied I, as a little girl, without having any type of, you know, counseling or knowledge around this stuff, I sought different things to take up my time.
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I wanted to be anywhere but home.
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So I was at any after school gig, I was at the recreation park, I was doing anything and everything but to be home.
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So by teenage years, um, you know, first, puppy love, it was very abusive.
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We were fist fighting on the floor, on the street, anywhere, everywhere.
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I didn't know any better, that's what I understood.
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So, again, when I had my daughter, that's when life changed we separated.
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After she was maybe three months, it was that fast he turned to the streets.
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I was not about that, I don't want to go too far down that rabbit hole, but I can tell you that the abuse did not stop just because we separated.
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I had my daughter on a little big wheel outside going up and down the block and he showed up with a car, grabbed her, threw her in the car and took off.
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And me, I'm running after the car.
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I jump on the hood, it's like a movie.
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He's swerving back and forth and you see my body all over the hood.
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I'm like call the police.
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Whoever can hear me, that's outside.
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I mean, it was the most ridiculous thing.
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By the time he was able to get me off the car, my shoes were like like threads and I'm running back home.
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Running back home.
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It wasn't for about a mile by the time I got home.
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Thank goodness somebody had actually heard me, saw the situation, called the cops.
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They were there, you know, I I shared everything.
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They went to go, you know, obviously, to the house and get my daughter and bring her back.
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But it's like it is, it was just nonstop.
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So, you know, I suppose we can start there right, for these young ladies and young men that are, that are in high school, that are, that are dating, that are feeling like home isn't where they're feeling loved or being heard or being seen or having this like connection that you know is yearned for in, in that seen or having this like connection that you know is yearned for in, in that, in that puberty stage or that you know transition from adolescence into, you know, teenage years, young adulthood, and you know there's so much that we think we want but we don't realize what we're entering.
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And there's a lot of you know I don't want to say literature, but a lot of information out there that can be sought if you are feeling like you love somebody in this teenage relationship but you're sad all the time still, or you're feeling like this person has some sort of control over you and you're feeling like hold on a second.
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Why do I feel like I have a third parent or somebody dictating who I can talk to or where I can go or what I'm wearing?
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Or nowadays it's all about social media, right?
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Don't be friends with them, don't follow them.
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Give me your password, give me your location.
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These are all flags.
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These are all flags.
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You're absolutely right and I think that's where you know if we ever were to truly stop domestic violence, we have to prevent it, and I think that's what's super important, especially in the youth who maybe are coming from homes where that's what they think is the normal, and that's what's so important about education and people talking about what's happened is so that you understand this isn't like.
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Love should not hurt.
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You know you shouldn't be sad in your relationship all the time.
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It shouldn't physically hurt.
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So I think you're absolutely right with that and I think I think maybe that's where, maybe that's where, maybe that's where you know we hone in a little bit is like what is the definition of hurt?
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You know, sometimes, in my personal opinion, it can be not even hurt.
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It could be all of this like confusion and the doubts.
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You don't even realize you're hurt yet You're just wondering like why am I feeling a certain way or believing a certain thing?
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Why am I convinced, or why am I just so full of doubt that I'm so confused and I don't even know who I am anymore or what I'm doing or where I'm going?
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I think that that is maybe a little more prominent in those teenage years than the crying and the sadness.
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I agree, because in those teenage years, just without being in a bad relationship, just being a teenager, you're trying to figure out yourself.
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You don't know, like why am I feeling this way?
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What is going on?
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And that's just a normal part of being a teenager and hormones happening, so it is right and it's.
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It's makes it so much more difficult there to you know, everybody talks about red flags and green flags and it's hard to determine then.
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Well, is this really a red flag or is this just?
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Is that normal behavior and reactions?
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And I love that you're saying that, because, um red flags, are they yours or are they theirs?
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Right, exactly, exactly.
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And and not to be.
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You know I, I just I want to be very transparent, I like to keep it raw and real.
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You know, I, just I want to be very transparent, I like to keep it raw and real.
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And you know it's, it's, it's a fact what I'm about to share, you know, because I worked with women that did this for a very long time in her life and she said you know, violence in teenage years actually increases around the time of the menstrual cycle.
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So what you were saying earlier, as it relates to those hormones being a bit out of control in those teenage years, it's happening on both sides, right, for the boys and the girls.
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They're both going through their hormonal changes and we know, even as grown women, sometimes it's out of control.
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We cannot control.
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Yes, so can you imagine?
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It's almost like this perfect storm, you know where, where the boys becoming the young man and they're feeling, you know that testosterone pounding on their chest and you don't know where they're coming from with their home.
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And then you have, you know, the girl becoming that young woman and they're just like they can't control how they're feeling and if their feet, if they are feeling intimidated or bullied or pushed around, trust me, at some point, like a cat being cornered, we're going to scratch back or what they say, clap back Right.
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So it's like if I just want to say that I personally believe in my very strong opinion and I want to figure out on how to do something about this.
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You know when they're teaching sex ed in school, when they're teaching about, you know puberty and they're teaching about these things.
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This is the time to talk about the feelings that come with all of these changes that you're going through, and I don't understand why this is not like every single year in high school.
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You know a required course.
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Or even just a required speaker.
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I remember being in I mean it was a long time ago that I was in high school but I remember being in high school and we would have random speakers about different things.
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I think we had someone about drunk driving or something along those lines it was.
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I know dare was a big thing back See, that's how long ago it was.
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You know Nancy Reagan and her dare, or was it dare?
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Or was it?
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Moms against whatever?
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Her little yeah you mad, that's what it was.
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So that that was the whole platform then, and I know we had a lot of presentations and speakers coming to talk to us about this.
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This would be a good opportunity to have someone come and, you know, maybe not give terribly gruesome details of things, but gruesome enough to really hit home and tie that in to like what you said you're doing sex education anyway.
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Let's talk about consent.
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Let's talk about what yes means, what no means, what no looks like.
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I mean no doesn't have to be.
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Somebody actually saying no, no could be incapacitated and you can't say no.
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You know things along that line.
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I think that would be a great idea to incorporate that into the education, I think that would be a great idea to incorporate that into the education.
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Yeah, let's, let's look into it and see what we need to do.
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Let's do it, let's do it.
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Yeah, and you know, I think that what you said earlier, as it relates to like the gruesomeness, right, like I totally agree.
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Let's not put that fear factor in them and show them, like you know, the worst case scenario, but just something that's like eye opening, to the point where these statistics that we're talking about one out of three, one out of four we could just ask them, hey, you know, whether it's you yourself, or somebody that you know, or a family or friend, or whatever the case, how many of you have seen or known, heard or been a part of DV?
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And then let's see how many hands go up.
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That alone would be like boom eye opening Super powerful Right.
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Or if you haven't think of how many women do you know?
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How many females do you know in your life?
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Out of those females, one in three of them.
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So if you don't know, you have no idea what somebody is going through behind these beautiful social media posts and these perfect lives that everybody is presenting.
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You have no idea.
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I saw something the other day.
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I loved it.
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It was this beautiful, red, shiny apple with this glimmer of the light just gleaming off the side of it.
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And then the camera was going around to the other side of the apple, and you know, just gleaming off the side of it, and then the camera was like going around to the other side of the apple and it was so freaking rotten that you would never even pick it up.
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That's perfect yeah.
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Yeah, it's this persona right, it's like oh yeah this is great, great, great.
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You know, which is unfortunately what happens as you kind of grow up and you get into adulthood and then you have these, you know, predators, I'll call them that dress up all nice and shiny, with a beautiful title and cleaned up, and then they, you know, are not that on the inside.
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And that is especially important when you have somebody coming from a broken home.
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And now here's this knight in shining armor to rescue you from your tragedies, and then they end up being a bigger monster.
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Oh my gosh, that sounds like you know me very well, because I think I have those guys in my life.
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I mean, I shared with you what my childhood was, you what my childhood was.
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So I believe that my partners in the past thought that I was weak, that I was vulnerable, that I was easy to get over, step on or abuse because I came from such a freaking broken home.
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And what they didn't realize was that, you know, because I had to navigate and fight my way through my own childhood to basically, you know, provide for myself.
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I was the total opposite.
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I was the strongest woman they've ever met in their life and you know I preferred to and have, you know, been homeless than to be in the home, where it was a very toxic, abusive environment.
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And I think that's a general misconception of domestic violence victims in I think I already said general in general because you think, well, you can only be a victim if you're weak or if there's something, and that's not the case.
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There's a wide variety of reasons, abusers, and I do feel they choose certain people and it's not because they're weak or, I know, they can't think for themselves, or they're uneducated or whatever you know.
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Perhaps it's because they know they are strong and this is a person who would fight for a relationship and would do whatever it takes to make something work.
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So perhaps that's why they choose this individual.
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Oh my gosh, you are again hitting the nail on the head.
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I think that we should probably take some time to really talk about those different layers of people, because it's important for everyone to know where they are in their life and to listen.
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I'm going to be a little confusing right now, just because there's too many things in my head that I'm trying to say.
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I didn't learn until I was in my 40s this one thing that I should have asked everybody in my life, and it's because I was asked the question, and that is what's your angle.
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And when that person asked me that question, I was just silent for so long because I didn't have an angle.
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I didn't even know how to answer that question, let alone try to break down or interpret the question.
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And then I realized, oh my gosh, if I would have just asked that question to this list of people in my brain, I probably would have seen these flags we were talking about a little while ago, a lot sooner.
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So sometimes what you were saying just a moment ago, you know when this person is strong and they know that they'll fight for the relationship.
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So then that's who they go for.
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Yeah, you're absolutely.
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You're absolutely correct.
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And why?
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Because maybe that's the challenge, maybe that's what they feel that they need to.
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Unfortunately, this is the sad case of the abusive behaviors that we're here to talk about, but that's the challenge so that that strong person cannot be broken down.
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I was able to conquer that.
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I was able to break that down and take control Right.
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I completely agree.
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You're the next challenge, yeah.
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Yeah.
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Or it could be what we talked about earlier, where it's like oh yeah, they came from a broken home, they just need to be told how beautiful they are and how much they're loved.
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Oh, it makes me want to vomit.
00:19:08.645 --> 00:19:11.993
So you know, and then, and then there's people with titles right.
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Just just because they're president, you know, male or female, they have this great title, or they're known in the community, or they have this beautiful status.
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That's like, oh my gosh, you know, it's almost like having fans right, like as if there's some sort of celebrity on both sides, anyways.
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And then that becomes the challenge.
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It's just to have the clout, it's just to be that, yeah, I'm with so-and-so, to have that title right, and that title could also be a manipulator to go after and get whatever is desired.
00:19:47.660 --> 00:19:48.181
Absolutely.
00:19:48.181 --> 00:20:05.394
I think maybe it just boils down to you have something that they want, yes, and that's what they're going for, and that's what they're trying and, like you said, it could be power, it could be intelligence, it could be whatever strength, and they want that.
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They don't have that themselves, so they want that and that's why you're the challenge I wanted to say, you know, maybe asking you like, what is your angle, that you know what, that it twists it now to where it's a you thing, it's not a me thing, it's not.
00:20:21.737 --> 00:20:23.787
You know, that's so interesting.
00:20:24.569 --> 00:20:29.493
Yeah and then yeah, and I think if there's a knee jerk answer and it sounds so good, then they were.
00:20:29.493 --> 00:20:31.386
It was premeditated, they were they.
00:20:31.386 --> 00:20:34.233
They have that answer already somewhere up their sleeve.
00:20:34.233 --> 00:20:43.288
Because if there's really nothing there or there's, like you know, something that's very specific, you know, I don't, I don't know.
00:20:43.288 --> 00:20:43.749
It's like.
00:20:43.749 --> 00:20:45.092
This know it's a good test.
00:20:45.092 --> 00:20:46.114
Where are they?
00:20:46.114 --> 00:20:47.837
Are they going to be honest?
00:20:47.837 --> 00:20:54.946
You'll be able to pick it up.
00:20:54.946 --> 00:20:56.951
I think there's so many layers to really take a part in that question and in that response.
00:20:56.951 --> 00:20:58.796
See how long it takes for them to respond.
00:20:58.796 --> 00:20:59.917
What is that answer?
00:21:01.484 --> 00:21:04.730
Yeah, because, as you were saying that I was sitting here, I'm like what if somebody?
00:21:04.730 --> 00:21:11.307
I have no idea what I would answer, because I don't, I'm just me you know, I don't know what.
00:21:11.307 --> 00:21:12.289
There's no angle.
00:21:12.289 --> 00:21:13.573
I don't get what that even.
00:21:13.573 --> 00:21:15.738
I don't even know how I could answer that.
00:21:16.384 --> 00:21:18.468
Exactly, yeah, and you know.
00:21:18.468 --> 00:21:19.609
I think that.
00:21:19.609 --> 00:21:22.013
You know I'm going to be a little biased here.
00:21:22.013 --> 00:21:25.318
That's probably more so on the women's side because we don't have that angle.
00:21:25.318 --> 00:21:28.884
I'm not saying, you know, I'm not speaking for all of us.
00:21:28.884 --> 00:21:31.739
There are some abusive women out there that definitely have an angle.
00:21:31.739 --> 00:21:38.511
They just want to level themselves up, use whoever they want to get juice them is what I call it, you know and then move on to the next and see who else they can juice.
00:21:38.511 --> 00:21:42.056
You know, that's just a real thing, you know.
00:21:42.056 --> 00:21:50.111
But we won't go down that road right now I love that term juice them, that's great yeah, it is both ways, you know.
00:21:50.191 --> 00:22:00.266
But you know, um, I, I I was able to work with someone else in the past that said they, you know, asked several men when was the last time you were in fear for your life?
00:22:00.266 --> 00:22:09.211
And you know, really, it took more, up to like five minutes to answer and it was like you know something from childhood, you know.
00:22:09.211 --> 00:22:12.592
But then when you ask a woman, when was the last time you were in fear for your life?
00:22:12.592 --> 00:22:14.401
You know, the answers are immediate.
00:22:14.481 --> 00:22:24.412
I was at when I was at the grocery store, when I was going for a walk, you know, like there really is fear that is within us every single day in society.
00:22:24.412 --> 00:22:25.714
You know, alone.
00:22:25.714 --> 00:22:44.175
So when we feel like we are emotionally attached and we are in a trusting relationship and there is vulnerability there, and then we start getting chipped away and chipped away, and chipped away mentally, emotionally, financially, you know, and sometimes physically and sexually, spiritually.
00:22:44.175 --> 00:22:44.897
You know.
00:22:44.897 --> 00:22:54.184
Emotionally, financially, you know, and sometimes physically and sexually spiritually, you know.
00:22:54.184 --> 00:23:00.137
That type of abuse, I think, is very much more long-term and detrimental to us as it relates to healing and coping, than that physical, you know, abuse.
00:23:01.664 --> 00:23:05.646
I agree, and not to downplay physical abuse, because it's horrific.
00:23:05.646 --> 00:23:14.073
But if somebody comes up to you, you know you're in a relationship, you've gone on two dates and they punch you in the face Whoa, what's going on here.
00:23:14.073 --> 00:23:19.796
You know and you know hopefully that's a big enough wake up call that you're, you're out of there.
00:23:19.796 --> 00:23:31.603
But I just I don't know if the Netflix has a documentary series and I actually just did kind of a quick episode that I posted, just going over what my thoughts were.
00:23:31.603 --> 00:23:33.251
I didn't redo the stories, because they did.
00:23:33.251 --> 00:23:44.692
It was great stories, but one of them they were married and it was just emotional, not just, but it was emotional, psychological abuse, controlling behavior.
00:23:44.692 --> 00:23:58.730
For years they were married, they had kids and years later he punched her and so when you get to that that was enough for her, which a lot of times that's not you excuse it away.
00:23:58.730 --> 00:24:06.143
You think, well, okay, he or she was drinking or they had a really bad day that day.
00:24:06.143 --> 00:24:18.426
So they've never been physical before, but they've been laying that groundwork, that emotional and psychological abuse, where they're, like you said, they're taking you apart piece by piece, to where now you doubt yourself.
00:24:18.426 --> 00:24:27.826
You're not that strong person that came into the relationship and I think of myself like I turned into a shell of what I used to be.
00:24:27.826 --> 00:24:35.865
I was just like this little shell before it got physical and I didn't have any of my strengths to fall back on.
00:24:35.865 --> 00:24:56.095
You know, at that long-term effect of the mind, mental abuse, because that's where you don't see it and I was actually.
00:24:56.115 --> 00:24:58.125
I was just speaking to somebody about this.
00:24:58.125 --> 00:24:58.425
It was.
00:24:58.425 --> 00:25:11.837
It's almost like this teeny, tiny little virus that stays there in your brain, it they put it there, and now it's stuck there and you can encapsulate it and put it aside and ignore it.
00:25:11.837 --> 00:25:20.817
But if you ignore it, it it can fester and it can grow and it can explode on you with no idea that it's even coming.
00:25:20.817 --> 00:25:22.990
So you have to know it's there.
00:25:22.990 --> 00:25:23.855
You have to.
00:25:23.855 --> 00:25:36.373
You don't want to nurture it, you don't want it to grow, but you you have to, like, keep it, keep it in check and recognize it and say, okay, I know I had this trauma, it's been sitting there.
00:25:37.013 --> 00:25:42.769
I know, going forward into this situation, I may have this reaction, I might have these feelings.
00:25:42.769 --> 00:25:48.297
Those feelings are okay, that reaction's okay, but you know, I don't know.
00:25:48.297 --> 00:26:00.006
It's a very difficult place to get to, and I mean, therapy for sure helps and having good, strong support system helps, but not everybody has that.
00:26:00.006 --> 00:26:01.866
So you know, what do those people do?
00:26:01.866 --> 00:26:04.008
You don't have the financial means to get.
00:26:04.008 --> 00:26:08.490
I mean it's a lot of money to see therapy, a therapist and yeah.
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