Oct. 20, 2024
43-Confronting Domestic Violence: A. Garcia; Part 2
A Garcia's journey from the brink of death to a beacon of hope is nothing short of extraordinary. After surviving a double attempted homicide, she faced the daunting task of rebuilding her life and ensuring her children's safety amidst a failing support system. Her resilience shines through as she bravely testifies against her abuser, exposing the systemic injustices that survivors often encounter. However, her path to empowerment was not without further trials, as she later found herself ens...
A Garcia's journey from the brink of death to a beacon of hope is nothing short of extraordinary. After surviving a double attempted homicide, she faced the daunting task of rebuilding her life and ensuring her children's safety amidst a failing support system. Her resilience shines through as she bravely testifies against her abuser, exposing the systemic injustices that survivors often encounter. However, her path to empowerment was not without further trials, as she later found herself ensnared in another cycle of narcissistic abuse. Through these harrowing experiences, Garcia not only found her strength but also founded a nonprofit dedicated to supporting other victims of domestic violence.
The transformative power of healing is a recurring theme in "Finding Purpose Through Trauma Recovery," where personal growth and resilience take center stage. Reflecting on the scars left by an abusive marriage, both physical and emotional, the journey of balancing single motherhood while prioritizing emotional intelligence and forgiveness is shared candidly. This pivotal moment sparked a commitment to self-improvement, emphasizing the importance of understanding the complexities of mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being. By breaking down barriers to vulnerability and fostering personal growth, the narrative underscores the journey of embracing life beyond trauma.
Community support and advocacy are crucial elements in the fight against domestic violence. The creation of a network connecting nonprofit organizations provides essential resources and legislative progress, emphasizing the evolving role of workplaces in addressing domestic violence. With a focus on empowering survivors and building connections, this episode highlights the urgency for tangible steps towards change. From legislative advancements in workplace safety to understanding the impacts of triggers and boundaries, the collective efforts to tackle domestic violence are explored. Encouraging listeners to contribute to this critical cause, the episode reinforces the message that every action counts, fostering a sense of community and shared responsibility in addressing domestic violence.
1 in 3 is intended for mature audiences. Episodes contain explicit content and may be triggering to some.
If you are in the United States and need help right now, call the national domestic violence hotline at 800-799-7233 or text the word “start” to 88788.
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Thank you for listening!
Cover art by Laura Swift Dahlke
Music by Tim Crowe
00:00 - Surviving and Thriving After Trauma
07:23 - Finding Purpose Through Trauma Recovery
19:53 - Empowering Survivors, Building Connections
25:29 - Fight Domestic Violence
40:47 - Empowering Through Understanding Triggers and Boundaries
53:23 - Contributing to Ending Domestic Violence
WEBVTT
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Hi Warriors, welcome to 1 in 3,.
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I'm your host, ingrid.
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Today I have part 2 of A Garcia's story.
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She describes the events following her escape, not only in the immediate aftermath, but how she continued, and still continues, to heal years out.
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And guess what?
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She is in true warrior mode and created a non-profit to help other victims of DB.
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She won't stop there, though, but don't take my word for it.
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Here is a Garcia again.
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Oh, my gosh, especially especially nowadays maybe back in our days not so much, but nowadays, yeah, so much.
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And I want to share a little bit more about my story, because it doesn't stop there, right?
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You would think it does, but it doesn't.
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So, navigating, post know, post, surviving a double attempted homicide, um, navigating, you know all of those, um, I can say, uncharted waters.
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Because let me rant for a moment that moment that he was put in handcuffs and taken away, Um, he was immediately transported, transported, he was immediately chauffeured to a place where there was light, heat, a bed, food delivered and nothing really to worry about other than who you're in the community with.
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Okay, For me and my eight-year-old and my unborn, I had to worry about where we were going to get food, how we were going to keep the lights on, Was I even going to be able to put gas in the car to get to doctor's appointments?
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I mean, it was like there was no.
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Here's what you need for essential living, living.
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The abuser got that, the criminal got that.
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Okay, While I'm in line begging for anything that I could possibly get to make sure that we had somewhere safe and something to nourish ourselves with.
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Okay, so fast forward.
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I did testify.
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By the way, it was the way you see this strong person, or you hear my voice and you feel like, oh man, that's a strong woman.
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Blah, blah, blah.
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And I couldn't even look at anybody.
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I was just facing downward and I was trying to share my story but I just couldn't because somehow he took my freaking voice away.
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When I saw him and I don't know how that happened, and thank goodness, the judge was like I've seen this too many times before, you know, but he was out in two and a half years.
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So for a double attempt to homicide, two and a half years out, to me that's nothing, that's still a slap on the hands, but thank goodness it wasn't two and a half hours that he got out, Okay.
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So obviously I've.
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You know, I've relocated several times in my life and I can say that you know moving out is, you know, just that it's a physical thing.
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Um, you can move a million times, but you live in your head no matter where you go.
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So it's very important that you keep your head space as clear of clutter as humanly possible so that you always have clarity around who you are and or who you are not.
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So your boundaries are moving and growing with you All right Now.
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Now here comes the crazy part.
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I'm going to fast forward about another seven, eight years from that incident.
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And here comes another knight in shining armor right.
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This time he wears the collar, this time he's in the community doing great things with the kids.
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He has a great career.
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He has a great career.
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He's, you know, just very well respected out there businessman professional blah, blah, blah all the great things right here.
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I am now going for my bachelor's.
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I'm, you know, almost in a career type path because I had to let all that go, obviously when you're fighting for your life.
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So now I'm collecting all these pieces and I'm finally putting it back together.
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And you know, here's a great person in my eyes and, trust me, they were serenading for almost two years before I even gave a wink of an eye.
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We were friends but it was serenading the whole time.
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Long story short, we ended up at the altar the only person I married in my entire life.
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And, oh my gosh, were we talking about narcissists in the beginning, about this like chipping away verbally, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially, you name it?
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It was chipped at every single area of my life that I thought and felt like driving off the cliff for a long time in my life.
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I can't not that long, cause we were not together for more than two and a half years after the whole thing that I do at the altar, because things started to unveil.
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You know, it takes time for narcissists to really show those colors and it takes a long time for the recipient to realize that that's what's happening and I was not clear on who I was.
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I was questioning who I was as a woman, questioning who I was as a parent, as a mother, as a wife, as you know.
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Even what down to work, you know, like, work is what, where I want it to be, where I want it to give my time, where I want it to give my best, where I want it to feel better about myself, you know, and, um, it was very unfortunate the way that, you know, the marriage ended because it was just another abusive relationship but disguised as the most beautiful thing that could have ever happened to.
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You know, a woman with my circumstances, right, I felt like I was preyed upon.
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I um, I believe, I'm convinced that I was preyed upon for many reasons.
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You know, a, I was that strong woman that you know had my stuff together, I didn't need nobody.
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So I was that challenge, you know.
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And then, when I was going through the divorce and read the previous divorce paperwork, I just felt like a protocol, I was a checklist.
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It was almost every single thing that the other wife, you know, had written in her statements and the things that happened in their marriage.
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It was almost identical.
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I said, oh my gosh, she could have did it for me.
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I could have paid her to do it for me.
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It was sick, so that was very eyeopening to me as well, and short, not too long after that.
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Let me back up, I'm sorry.
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In that marriage, which was very short lived no more than two and a half years, in that marriage, which was very short lived no more than two and a half years, I suffered because of the stress that I was dealing with.
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During that time I also suffered physically and I didn't know what those physical things were.
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And when I went to seek the medical attention, remember I told you I was choked and my hips were used during that fighting for my life situation.
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My neck was used as a kickstand while my feet were used to thrust my hips up in the air.
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I had to have four surgeries, one on my neck and three on my hips.
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So the long-term effects of what you go through from abuse physically, mentally, spiritually, financially all of these things is truly lifelong and it's really about how you cope with it and what you do about it.
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So while I'm dealing with this narcissist, I'm over here now recovering from my physical things from this other relationship, while I'm thinking that I worked through that and I've gotten over it and I'm, you know, moved on right here I am back in my, in my psyche and my emotions about it, because I'm, I'm, I'm suffering again, you know, but now I'm just getting it from all angles.
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So, uh, what I ended up doing was just going back to being that single mom by myself, very happy in the smallest space possible because it's clean and it's us and it's our energy.
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And my daughter was getting ready to leave the nest because she was of 18 years old, and she was like, yeah, mom, you, you, you, you.
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You raised me, you did your job, but now I can be my own and I'm out of here.
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Hey, you know what?
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I don't blame you.
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I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't dictate what our future was going to be.
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You know, I had you at such a young age we grew up together I wasn't able to raise you.
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I had you at such a young age we grew up together I wasn't able to raise you.
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We grew up together.
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That's just what it is.
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And she said to me and I'm going to get emotional she said you know, mom, I hate what happened to you.
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I appreciate how much you kept me in my childhood and I can't remember much of anything as it relates to that evening or the abuse that took place.
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I just hear about it, so I know more about it.
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And she said, and as much as of a helicopter mom that you were and as much as you were always right there every time I turned around, you were emotionally unavailable.
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And I was like, what did you say?
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I was so devastated because I didn't realize that I was emotionally unavailable For me.
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I love so much that I did everything that I could to make sure that you never had to worry, that you had everything you needed taken care of and that you had everything that you needed to be happy and have as a normal childhood life, as humanly possible and protecting.
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The way that I protected and provided to me was the most, the biggest amount of love that I could possibly show.
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But my daughter needed a different kind of love.
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She needed a different kind of emotional attachment and I couldn't provide it.
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I had to run a tight ship.
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You know why?
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Because we had to wake up at a certain time.
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We had to be out the door at a certain time.
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We had to be at home.
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by a certain time you had to be in bed by a certain time, my homework had to be in by a certain time, I had to be at work by a certain time.
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I ran the tightest ship you could ever possibly imagine, because it was just like that.
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So it was through her and because of her, we her and I went to a class where we learned emotional intelligence, where we learned fierce forgiveness, where we started to understand and unpack trauma and be able to understand more of how to listen and be available.
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And so we read the five love languages, we applied it to our lives, we applied it to our relationship, and because of her wanting to take me to that class, I never stopped.
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I never stopped when she opened that door for me.
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I just really dug deeper and deeper and deeper into understanding what, and these, these five circles of life, that are five components of life that makes you whole is the mental, the emotional, the physical, the spiritual.
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Sorry, it's four, four M E P S mental, emotional, physical and spiritual.
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If those four things are satisfied in your life, you are whole.
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You are whole, you are whole in happiness.
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And so I really just never stopped seeking how to be better, because being bitter is easy.
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So why be bitter if you can really be better.
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Sometimes we're sabotaging ourselves because we don't want to trust, because we don't want to rely, because we don't want to open up, because we don't want to be vulnerable, because we don't want to give in, because we don't want to share our story.
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It's all of these because, because, because, because, because we have these justifications.
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But at the end of the day, I realized, after going through so much, and I'm still doing it, which is like 10 years in the run, in here we're isolating ourselves.
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It's not anybody else that's doing it to us, it's us that's doing it to ourselves, and that's something that I chose to do.
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That's a sacrifice I made.
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I never even had MySpace, never been on social media.
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I felt that protecting myself and providing for my children was to stay off social media because, as a survivor of a double attempted homicide and testifying and them being out there, I'm not going to advertise who I am, what I am, where I'm at, what I look like, what I'm doing, what I'm wearing, where I'm at with my kids, what my kids even look like.
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Okay, to me it felt like I was just advertising and jeopardizing my safety by doing that.
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So I didn't, and three years ago, I was in a life-threatening car accident.
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I hit a tree dead on because I saw something slipping off the passenger seat of my car.
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It was soup.
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I didn't want the soup to spill all over the car, so I went to grab it.
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When I went to grab it, when your body turns to the right, the hand on the steering wheel turns to the left, I jumped over the center median and I smacked a tree dead on.
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It could not have been more dead on than what it was.
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I had a 1% chance of surviving and the trauma surgeon came in and said girl, you better play the lottery, because I don't know how in the world you made it out of this.
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This is a story.
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And while I'm in ICU, unable to feed myself, lift my neck, my elbow, my ankle, you name it.
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I couldn't, okay, I was in ICU for quite some time and I just kept asking my creator, lord, why did you save my life?
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Why did you think I was worth it?
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What?
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am I here for what?
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am I supposed to be doing?
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Because for crying out loud.
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I have fought for my life since I was pushed out that womb and this is the first time I don't have the strength to fight for myself and you're doing it all and I need to know why.
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And I'm.
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And I was told it was delivered to me.
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I woke up one moment in the hospital and it said I don't know what it is.
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I was receiving this understanding that I am being saved to make a difference in other people's lives, sharing my story of surviving a double attempted homicide while a thousand miles away from home as a single mom with already an eight-year-old daughter and having nothing and no one and nowhere.
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You need to talk about it.
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There's a thing called post-traumatic growth.
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Ptsd is something we all are very familiar with.
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Ptg is something that we're not informed of, is we're not educated on, we're not told.
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And post-traumatic growth is where you've learned from that trauma.
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You have wisdom from that trauma, you know that you're not going to repeat that trauma and how you've grown from it.
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Right, you're wiser, you're smarter, you're stronger.
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And then what you're doing with that, how you're talking to others or educating others, or putting out some webinars or whatever it is.
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You're sharing your knowledge, you're sharing your experience.
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That's that growth.
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You're able to talk about it.
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Now, you're no longer suppressing or oppressing yourself.
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And that's what I understood I was saved for.
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I understood that I was saved to share my story of the double attempted homicide, of the narcissistic abuse, of the journey that I went through, the coping skills I was able to figure out, obtain and apply and then put something together like a service, a service that I can really serve this community of people in these domestic violence situations.
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And so this nonprofit Confronting Domestic Violence was born from the ICU room while I was fighting for my life.
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Questioning why I was even saved was fighting for my life, questioning why I was even saved.
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And so our mission at Confronting Domestic Violence is to help relocate families when they have a safe place to go, but not the means to get there.
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And if you don't need those services, we've helped provide real-time resources for your real-time needs.
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I know all too well, like I said early on, when you get something that you need, for that moment it helps your circumstances change.
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But the moment your circumstances change, then so do your needs, because you're living second by second.
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You're starving.
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You're starving, you have food, you feed, and now what?
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What's the next thing you need Now?
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You need somewhere safe to sleep tonight.
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So real-time resources for real-time needs is what we really pride ourselves on.
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And helping to relocate when you have a safe place to go, but not the means to get there, is just that icing on top, because a lot of times shelters may be fully booked, but maybe you have a family that's willing to accept you that lives in the same state, but 500 miles away or across state lines, maybe whatever we help you get there, because most of the time you leave with whatever you have on your back or you resort to homelessness because it's just that bad, but you have that much strength.
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Right.
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I've read so many stories of and not just stories.
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These are like posts in support groups where people are mentioning I'm ready, I need to get out.
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All the shelters around me are books.
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The nearest shelter is, however, far away.
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How do I get there?
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And what you're providing is such an important piece.
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I was just speaking with a friend who was on a task force for domestic violence and ended up leaving the task force because nothing was getting done and said what do you do?
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How do you advocate for something to be done?
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And I said sometimes, when you have a task force, you're looking at the gigantic issue of domestic violence and it's overwhelming.
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There are so many.
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It's like this intricate web of so many different ways that you can address it.
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And if you're trying to tackle the entire thing with just one task force, you're not going to be able to do it because there's just too many pieces and you're going to spin your wheels and you're going to get nowhere.
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And what I have found and I probably have said this to you I hate that, thinking of the trauma that so many of us have gone through to get to this community that we're starting to create, and it's incredible.
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I've met so many incredible people that have gone from.
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Like I was a victim I was that shy little voice in the courtroom, not barely able to say what happened to me into this person of like okay, I survived and I'm thriving now.
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But then let me take this a step further and I refer to the listeners as warriors and so like you're a warrior here because you're forging this path of I know what was difficult for me.
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So let me forge this path, or light the way, so that the next person can see where to go, they can see where the resources are, and it may seem like just a small piece of what one person is doing or what one nonprofit is doing, but without all of these pieces working together, we again, we look at this giant web and we get nowhere with it.
00:21:08.289 --> 00:21:34.869
You are absolutely right and you know, what I would love to do is really create like a circle of nonprofit organizations that are providing resources to, you know, real-time victims and you know we become that circle of referrals and resources for each other.
00:21:34.869 --> 00:21:38.319
Because I get phone calls that I have no business getting because it's my organization doesn't support what they're calling for.
00:21:38.319 --> 00:21:48.413
But by golly I have a whole list because it's my organization doesn't support what they're calling for, but by golly, I have a whole list right here in front of me of, like you know, 85 different organizations.
00:21:48.994 --> 00:21:56.067
It's unfortunately, unfortunately right now, it's just in the state that I'm in, which is, you know, california, but I'm looking at expanding that.
00:21:56.166 --> 00:21:56.950
I'm already doing it.
00:21:57.131 --> 00:22:21.160
Florida, new York, I'm on my way, but maybe this is something that you and I can talk about, because when we get these phone calls and it doesn't it doesn't offer, lend, lend ourselves, to say, to offer our services to those, to those people, I think that it's advantageous for us to say, okay, but hold on, instead of letting you go saying sorry, can't help you.
00:22:21.160 --> 00:22:22.262
Yes, I can.
00:22:22.262 --> 00:22:24.496
Let me give you a phone number that I know.
00:22:24.496 --> 00:22:38.481
This phone number, this phone will get picked up on the other line because too many times in my, you know, when I was dealing with my double attempt at homicide, I made over a thousand phone calls, 1-800 numbers.
00:22:38.481 --> 00:22:42.054
I was nonstop, I mean, I was relentless.
00:22:42.054 --> 00:22:43.499
It took me over eight months.
00:22:43.499 --> 00:22:46.855
However long it took me, I don't even remember anymore.
00:22:46.855 --> 00:22:49.061
I'm like eight, 18, something like that.
00:22:49.130 --> 00:22:53.942
It took me a very long time and it was not until I found an advocate.
00:22:53.942 --> 00:23:11.411
An advocate that understood the state's legislative laws, the state's programs that were available and they were that like referral resource that tapped in and that knew all of these different programs that they were able to say I'm an advocate, you know, db advocate, blah, blah, blah, I have this client, et cetera.
00:23:11.411 --> 00:23:12.594
And then that's how you.
00:23:12.594 --> 00:23:19.415
You know, I don't want to say bypass the list, but you're not at the bottom of the list, okay, of the application process.
00:23:19.415 --> 00:23:27.756
So I'm really big on advocating for advocates, and it's hard.
00:23:27.756 --> 00:23:37.717
There's not an abundance of them out there and fortunately I do have some numbers and programs that I'm able to offer.
00:23:38.498 --> 00:23:42.351
But I want to go back to what you said as it relates to that, those victims, right.
00:23:42.351 --> 00:23:53.982
So I don't think that victims realize that they're victims, because you're a victim when you're in it and it's when you're stepping out of it and realizing that that's not for you.
00:23:53.982 --> 00:24:01.903
That's when you're like, oh my gosh, I was victimized, I was a victim, I was victimized.
00:24:01.903 --> 00:24:16.070
And then when you're going through that post-traumatic growth journey of like, now I'm doing something with this, I want to get back, I want to do et cetera, that's that survivor, that's that warrior woman that you're talking about.
00:24:16.090 --> 00:24:17.473
That's that warrior survivor.
00:24:17.473 --> 00:24:23.324
And yeah, coming together and really bringing awareness.
00:24:23.324 --> 00:24:24.153
This is October.
00:24:24.153 --> 00:24:25.980
This is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
00:24:25.980 --> 00:24:44.854
You know, talking about it, bringing awareness is great, fine and dandy, but coming together and doing something about it, showing what we're doing about it, letting people know where we are, how to find us and that there are, you know, resources out there, you know, I think that is what will help make the next movement.
00:24:48.159 --> 00:24:50.142
And I'm ready, I think we're gonna.
00:24:50.142 --> 00:24:52.005
I think that movement is coming.
00:24:52.005 --> 00:25:03.201
And you know, like I said, netflix did that docuseries which I thought was I think it's kind of their series they had like worst roommate ever or something.
00:25:03.201 --> 00:25:06.756
So this one is world's worst ex or something along those lines.
00:25:06.756 --> 00:25:11.951
And I didn't actually watch it on purpose, I was.
00:25:11.951 --> 00:25:16.329
I saw one little trailer and I was like, oh, that looks interesting.
00:25:16.329 --> 00:25:24.695
I didn't realize and it gave a little blurb of you know, this may contain incidents of domestic violence or whatever, but I didn't realize.
00:25:24.695 --> 00:25:29.919
The actual it's four episodes is all regarding domestic violence.
00:25:29.919 --> 00:25:34.140
And you know, when Netflix does something, people start to pay attention.
00:25:34.140 --> 00:25:40.654
Anything that brings attention to domestic violence and gets people to be more aware and wanting to do something is a good thing.
00:25:40.654 --> 00:25:46.119
So I do think there is going to be a big movement coming.
00:25:46.119 --> 00:25:48.384
I think we're going to be part of it.
00:25:48.384 --> 00:25:50.093
You know what?
00:25:50.272 --> 00:25:51.675
Let's just call it into existence.
00:25:51.796 --> 00:25:56.313
We will be a part of it and, you know, let me let me share a couple of things with you.
00:25:56.313 --> 00:26:01.084
So, through this journey, post ICU, okay.
00:26:01.084 --> 00:26:04.832
So let me talk a little bit about confronting domestic violence a little bit more.
00:26:04.832 --> 00:26:12.551
So we are two years in launching, three years total because, you know, since our 501c3.
00:26:12.551 --> 00:26:27.988
So through this journey in the past two years, we have been able to get involved in um domestic violence awareness month back in 2022.
00:26:27.988 --> 00:26:33.160
We uh were with the Delaware uh ambassadors of domestic violence.
00:26:33.160 --> 00:26:36.893
We uh supported one of their, one of their rallies.
00:26:36.893 --> 00:26:38.415
Uh, I started there.
00:26:38.415 --> 00:26:42.722
We were in the Wisconsin Coalition of Domestic Violence.
00:26:42.722 --> 00:26:51.832
We did a not a seminar, but like a small like introduction about who we are and talked about, you know, collaborating.
00:26:51.832 --> 00:26:54.138
Once we, you know, got off ground a little bit more.
00:26:54.138 --> 00:27:03.383
We have also had an online summit last year for Domestic Violence Awareness Month in the metaverse.
00:27:03.383 --> 00:27:07.801
We did a whole summit, a woman's summit for domestic violence in the metaverse.
00:27:10.230 --> 00:27:16.894
Confronting Domestic Violence has been a part of some international summits as well, specifically talking about domestic violence.
00:27:16.894 --> 00:27:24.644
So we're going gonna have one in december, um again, and then we had one a couple months ago.
00:27:24.644 --> 00:27:26.815
This was uh canada and france.
00:27:26.815 --> 00:27:29.821
So domestic violence is picking up in canada quite a bit.
00:27:29.821 --> 00:27:40.056
Australia is really, really doing a lot of great things in their administration with the resources and projects and things that they're honing in on for domestic violence.
00:27:40.056 --> 00:27:44.324
I would love to, you know, really make this like a whole international thing, if possible.
00:27:44.324 --> 00:27:49.601
Yeah, oh, my gosh, the stuff that's happening is like it's just it's mind blowing.
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